


Touch Sensitive

by Keandre



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Falling In Love, Fear, First Time, Guidance Counselors, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Marriage of Convenience, Past Abuse, Rimming, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-27
Updated: 2014-03-23
Packaged: 2017-12-30 15:54:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 94,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1020561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keandre/pseuds/Keandre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur is the golden boy.  The son of Uther who owns about everything. He does everything to please his father, even marry a woman he does not love. Merlin is a marriage counsellor with a special gift. But he has dark secrets of his own he has to come to terms with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Boy meets boy

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever Merthur fic. I have read a lot and loved a lot of what you guys have put out there. It never fails to amaze me how much imagination people have and how much of their own selves they are bringing to a fandom.  
> I have always loved Merlin and Arthur. Have loved them together. I do admit I have seen them as friends for a long time. Until now. The love they have for each other is what we are all looking for. Something that goes beyond ....  
> I know I am a hopeless romantic, but there you go.  
> This story is telling of their love, as so many others. It is just my take on it.

God! Is he in a rush to get to his two o'clock appointment.

As usual he has lost track of time completely. He stuffs his papers into his overfilled shoulder bag, grabs his writing utensils off the table and carefully manoeuvres through the maze of shelves stacked full with copies of the oldest and most fascinating books Merlin has come across in the last couple of years.

Yes, Camelot has been quite a find. The antique book store has been his favourite haunt for quite a while now. He’s lucky that Jeffrey, the owner, doesn’t mind him coming in and using the books for his research. Okay, he does pay him back by working at the till two days a week. And he washes the floors every two weeks. Not to forget about helping Will, the full time assistant, with the arrangement of the display in the shop window once a month.

_Twenty to two already. Gaius is going to kill me if I’m late again._

But once Merlin opens an old book and gets sucked into one of its stories he forgets everything about him. He delights in how it takes his worries and buries them. It’s pure bliss to dive into a different world and detach himself completely from reality.  He gets drawn to the characters so much that they feel real. More real than anyone he meets in this world. The one where Gaius is tapping impatiently behind his desk at 'Rapport', no doubt an eyebrow raised in quiet criticism.

The young brown-haired bloke at the till gives him a sigh and a broad grin on his way past. It isn’t the first time Merlin leaves in a hectic rush. Arms and legs flailing everywhere, a book in his hands, his leather bag half sliding off his shoulder, a folder with some of his research in one hand, two pens in his other and his scarf almost trailing on the floor behind him.

"See you tomorrow, Merlin!' The guy shouts after him.

Merlin grins, waves and gasps a quick "Cheers, Will!" before he tumbles out of the store, barely managing to hold onto all his stuff.

In two steps he is at his car. He could really do with a third hand to open the door, but in its elusive absence he throws everything in his hands onto the pavement to frantically search for his car keys in the depth of his brown jacket. Passingly he acknowledges the hole in the pocket, making a mental note to mend the darn thing. He has known of its existence for the most of a month, but so far it hasn’t exactly made the top three on his list of priorities. At the bottom of his heart he knows that the garment is well beyond repair. With the ripped lining and the frayed rim around the collar it is not exactly at the height of fashion. Probably never was. Maybe once his next pay check comes in he will be able to afford a new one, but then – he inwardly sighs - the electricity bill is outstanding and so is the rent.

Merlin pushes the unpleasant thought away. He has never been well off, has never been able to afford the luxuries of life. That is just not his story. Growing up with a single mum from a humble background they have always struggled for the bare minimum. Now isn’t any different. He couldn’t even have started researching for his book if Gaius hadn’t offered to take him on in the agency. The salary provides for the most essential things he needs.

He finally pushes all his stuff onto the back seat and gets behind the wheel of his white Fiat Punto. He has bought the car for hundred quid with the money his mum saved up for him after he graduated from uni. He knows it is a pest, because it’s old and has a habit of breaking down, but it feels part of him. It connects him with his mum, with her love and appreciation and it reminds him what he is working for. A completely renewed look on the Arthurian legends in a language that every Tom, Dick or Harry can understand.

He turns the key impatiently.

"Come on, Aithusa."

He talks to the little car as if he’s encouraging it, gently caressing the steering wheel.

Yes, he has given it a name. And it is a girl's name. He knows that many people would consider it pathetic. He actually doesn’t care. He came across the name in a lovely story about dragons and has always loved the way it rolls off his tongue. And he has fancied having his own dragon ever since he read his first book about knights and castles at the age of six. He chuckles at the thought, but realizes that Aithusa isn’t willing to do his bidding today.

The motor remains completely dead.

"Shit, shit, shit!" Merlin swears and starts pushing the pedals as if he is working a heavy church organ.

"Stop throwing a tantrum, you little shit and just let's go"

Aithusa doesn’t seem to care and blatantly ignores Merlin's increasingly desperate attempts to get her started. He wonders for the fraction of a second whether she is doing it deliberately.

Then suddenly there is life and a walloping jump forward.  _God, have I really left this garbage heap in first gear again?_

The clear noise of splintering glass and crushing metal follows a split second later. Merlin freezes. He has crashed into the car parked in front.

"Oh no!" His head sinks in utter frustration. He can’t afford this. He has neither the time nor the money.

"Are you a complete imbecile?" A dark, highly irritated voice is directing abuse at him.

Oh no! A total plonker on top of it all. That is really the last straw.

"You better get out here so we can assess the damage for insurance purposes." The voice doesn’t sound less angry than Merlin feels, but it seems the guy at the end of it has more handle on the situation than he does. This definitely spells doom in capital letters.

Having no other choice he opens the door, realizing he needs to push it really hard. Something must have happened to Aithusa when he ploughed into the car ahead of him.

As soon as Merlin gets out his already cold blood curdles and for a second his heart stops beating because he is now aware that the car ahead of him is a bloody Porsche. It is a two seater sports car in the most gorgeous shade of icy blue. And he can see by the registration number that it is virtually new.

Well, apart from the spoiler that is hanging off rather limply. And the front light that looks like Vitali Klitschko has had a punching practice on it recently.

"Shit!" He whispers quietly to himself again, unaware of the owner standing next to him, glowering like a man who’s been done wrong. Well, there is something to that…

"Oh, it speaks!" The voice rips him out of his misery and he finally raises his head to look at the guy. Intensely blue eyes raging with supressed anger meet his.  _They are not unlike mine, just a bit lighter,_  Merlin thinks, confused for an instant why his brain even allows a thought like that right now when it looks like the guy is going to throttle him with his bare hands in the middle of a busy street in London.

And it looks like if he could. Because he is broad shouldered and muscular and his whole body looks well trained and, compared to Merlin's skinny bony frame, like a blooming fighting machine. It is not overdone though, unlike these muscle-packed macho men you see at the cover page of certain magazines. No, the guy looks toned and healthy and decidedly… attractive. Taken aback by the passing thought, Merlin drags his eyes away from the stranger's body to fully face him for the first time.

Like it or not. The guy is gorgeous. The blue eyes are complemented by shiny blond hair and a jaw line any Greek God would have given his right arm for. Merlin mellows slightly, because it doesn’t feel right to argue with a Greek God.

"I'm sorry. Mmmh, …" Merlin isn’t quite sure what else he can say. He really  ** _is_**  sorry. He is usually not in the habit of destroying other people's property. No, he’s definitely the social type that people take advantage of because he finds it hard to say no when he’s asked. He likes helping because he never had much help himself. He knows how that feels.

"Sorry? You must be joking!" the voice thunders.

"Cars like that," he spits, waving his head at Aithusa, "shouldn’t exist in this day and age. It's just embarrassing and downright dangerous!"

Merlin turns scarlet, as anger starts bubbling up from deep below. Insulting him is one thing, insulting Aithusa a completely different one.

"Aithusa is a fine car and it usually starts fine, and it drives fine…" Merlin realizes that he isn’t improving the situation by mumbling complete nonsense like a pupil told off by his teacher.

The guy throws his head back and suddenly bellows out a roaring laugh.

"It has a name?" He is shaking with laughter now, and it makes him almost human, but Merlin can’t help but feel the tone is condescending and that the guy is taking the piss.

"And you call this piece of scrap metal a fine car? You really are totally insane!"

Merlin blushes even deeper now and, with it, rage rises to his chest.

"I know this is my fault…," he starts.

"Yes, it bloody well is," the guy agrees, before Merlin can continue.

"...but there’s no reason why you need to be such a prat about it and so bloody rude and arrogant."

That shuts the guy up for a second. He clearly didn’t expect Merlin to stand up to him or talk back. It seems he is used to call the shots.

He stops short and looks at Merlin properly for the first time, takes in the tall lanky figure in the shabby clothing, assesses the angry look on his face, faintly acknowledges the high cheekbones, the full lips, the messed up mop of hair and the ridiculous ears.

"Have you any idea how much this repair is going to cost?" He sighs as if giving in at such a picture of pity.

No, Merlin doesn’t, and at the moment he does not want to know either. It’s simply too depressing. He already anticipates that he will sleep in the cold and eat macaroni and cheese for the next six months, or longer.

"I need your insurance details." The guy starts, busying himself taking his mobile out to type in the information.

"I'm waiting!" The voice sounds as if he is shouting orders to a servant.

Merlin swallows, as he feels his blood drain out of his face. This is the bit where everything is really going to go to pots.

"Yes?" The voice draws out the question. When there’s no reply, the guy looks up at Merlin, no doubt noticing the pale face and how his eyes flicker nervously around.

"You have no insurance, have you?" The realization is almost breathless as if the guy can’t believe how anyone on this world can be so stupid. It is followed by an even deeper sigh than before.

"No, I don't," Merlin retorts defiantly. He is getting ready for the blow.

"I want your name and address so I can get my lawyers on to you." The guy sounds business like now. What does he care that he is just about to ruin Merlin's life.

"You can get your lawyers on to me, but I can’t see what good it will do," Merlin states it like a fact.

"And why is that?"

"There’s no way I can pay for your damages." Merlin feels humiliated admitting it, but it is the truth.

"We'll see about that," the guy hisses coldly at him and "Now get a move on. I have an appointment at two and I'm already late."

Merlin knows he has no choice and passes on his details with a heavy heart. He has almost forgotten he was supposed to be at the agency at two.

The guy just mutters "You'll hear from me." and then leaves with the tyres of his Porsche screeching as he speeds down Waterloo Street in a hurry.

Merlin takes a deep breath, gets in the car and turns his keys in the ignition. Unbelievable! The motor purrs to life at once this time. Merlin shakes his head indignantly, but he knows Aithusa is temperamental and there’s no point at all taking it out on her. He has no idea how he will deal with this latest catastrophe in his life, but first of all he needs to get to the agency. It is his main source of income after all.

He parks in the staff car parks at the back and runs up the beautiful flight of stairs. The agency works from a small old building and it is one of the quieter suburbs.

Merlin rushes past the sign. 'Rapport' – Relationship Counselling' and runs straight into Gaius who seems to be quite out of sorts.

"Where have you been? You are late!"

He sounds annoyed and although Merlin hates to disappoint his mentor, he’s known Gaius since he was six and can read him like one of his old books. He may be irritated, but he isn’t really angry. Gaius has been in Merlin's life since the day they found out. And then everything changed. It was Gaius who saved Merlin. And that formed a bond between them, almost like father and son. He was the father Merlin never had, the guiding hand leading him when he needed direction.

"Sorry, Gaius, but I had a small crash."

Gaius looks horrified for a second. "Are you alright? What happened?" he inquires, his voice completely changed and tinged with concern.

"I'll fill you in later," Merlin says and puts his hand on the old man's arm to pacify him. "I'm fine, really."

"Who is my first client?"

"Well, I need to fill  _you_  in on that." Gaius drags him into his office.

Merlin follows wondering what will await him this time. He has worked at the agency for two years now and he likes the fact that he’s been the most successful counsellor around. He has reconciled 93 per cent of the couples who have come to him for guidance and advice, and his record is unbroken all over the city. People wonder what his secret is, how he gets people to talk to each other again and how he saves their failing marriages.

Merlin smiles a little to himself. It is a secret that nobody but Gaius knows. Something he finds difficult to explain, even if he tries really hard. But he’s always had the skill to intuitively understand what people feel. A touch on the shoulder or even on the arm, held long enough, and it is as if the soul of that person speaks to him, tells him of their worries and needs. When he does it he feels something warm and golden flow through his veins, a feeling of power and love that transcends to the person in front of him, and encourages them to open up to him, to bare their soul and heart. After that Merlin’s task is so much easier. It is his gift.

People have recommended him. Asked for him. He knows he could make a full time career out of this if he wanted to. He could earn really good money if he picked the right clients. But his heart is in medieval literature. Always has been. And he doesn’t want to miss the chance to do what is his most fervent passion. Although, he has to admit that the accident today might necessitate a change of policy sooner than he might have hoped.

"A very old acquaintance of mine has asked me to counsel his son. It seems his marriage has been in turmoil for a few months now. Rows, thrown pottery, shouting matches etc.…" Gaius looks at Merlin.

"So, nothing we have not heard before," the younger man sums up.

"This is different." Gaius sounds incredibly serious, and Merlin looks at him questioningly.

"Your counselling has to be kept a secret."

"That is also nothing new, as everything we do is confidential anyway."

"I just want to make sure you understand. It’s important for many of us that you succeed."

Now Merlin’s really intrigued. This is going to be interesting. "So who are we talking about?"

"Arthur Pendragon," Gaius almost whispers the words. Merlin's heart misses a beat and he sits back in his chair. Then he takes a deep breath.

Uther Pendragon is the uncrowned leader of this country. Every important decision sanctioned in parliament is run before him first. And it isn’t only the political power that makes him stand out above everyone else. The Pendragons are old money and not only filthy rich, but they know how to get richer by the second. They own more companies than the public probably knows about. Real estate, publishing companies, clothing empires, right down to chocolate production. They have a finger in everything that’s top notch at the stock market.

Arthur is the only son and heir to the empire. And it was well documented in the papers when he married Vivien Dubois, the daughter of Uther Pendragon’s equally wealthy business partner. Any fracture in the marriage would be devoured by the press with glee, so it is no wonder Gaius has asked for special confidence.

"Arthur Pendragon – The golden boy," Merlin remembers the nickname given to him in the tabloid press.

"That's the one," Gaius says. "Uther’s asked for the best to deal and I’m happy to oblige. The future of the Pendragon Empire depends on it."

Merlin wrinkles his brow. "How's that? Surely Arthur could divorce and find someone else?"

"Well, that’s not what Uther wants. He’s determined to keep the link to the Dubois family and wants a grandchild to cement the line."

Merlin nods in understanding and tries not to look smug, but he can’t deny that he’s pleased he has been given this special case. He enjoys the challenge and he genuinely wants to help. Even if his client is a wealthy upstart.

"You are the best, my boy," Gaius adds. "Work your magic on him."

Merlin smiles. "You know I’ll do everything in my powers."

Gaius nods at him. "I have taken him into your room."

Merlin walks past reception where Gwen sends him a thumbs up. She has become a great friend since he’s worked here and she looks pleased he has been entrusted with the destiny of this particularly important client.

The door to his room is slightly ajar, but he can see the outline of a young man sitting in one of his cosy armchairs staring out of the window. The blond of his hair and the broadness of his shoulders look strangely familiar. Merlin closes the door and walks up to the man.

"Hello. I'm Merlin," he introduces himself. "I have been assigned to you."

The young man turns round, and then the shock on both their faces almost cracks the glass of the old standing clock in the far end of the room.

Arthur is the prat with the Porsche.

 


	2. The golden boy

“I knew you were an ass, I just didn’t realize you were a bloody famous one.” It has slipped out before Merlin can bite his lips and he knows that his remark is totally unprofessional. It is typical he did not recognize Arthur earlier because he doesn’t follow celebrities. In fact he could not care less about them. It is actually surprising he even knows that Arthur Pendragon exists.

Arthur just rises from his seat, gives him one look and leaves the room muttering something along “I will not have a complete moron mess with my private life.”

Merlin hears him talking to Gaius. Then Arthur is on the phone. Merlin guesses that he is talking to Uther.

Ten minutes later he returns, his jaws clenched and his lips pressed together in a thin line. His face is slightly flushed.

“Seems like I have no choice but to go through with this.” He sounds less annoyed rather than frustrated and tired now. He settles down in the armchair again and stares out of the window, seemingly avoiding Merlin’s gaze deliberately.

“So, let’s get this over with as quickly as possible.” His voice indicates that he is clearly reining his emotions in and that he’s gritting his teeth to get this over with as quickly as possible – just like a visit to the dentist.

Something inside Merlin takes a leap, but there’s no time to ponder about it. He gets the registration form and sits down opposite of Arthur.

 “Name?”

“Are you kidding?” Arthur hisses. 

Merlin just glowers back and says. “I have to go through the motions. It is part of my job.”

Arthur sighs. “I really didn’t think my day could get any worse,” he mumbles under his breath.

“So, what are you going to do if I do not speak to you?” he adds in an arrogant tone, clearly challenging his opposite.

Merlin notices the change in Arthur’s emotions: they have gone from anger and frustration to defiance. It is a classic.

He stops, looks up from the registration form and says very gently. “Considering how much your father seems to be interested in this, it would probably not be a very wise move.”

Arthur swallows hard. He knows that this is exactly the point and he hates how a man who he barely knows and who seems to have the brain of a jelly fish has caught onto it after only a couple of minutes.

“Am I that obvious?” he asks, saying it more to himself than to Merlin, but the other man can still hear it. Arthur sounds resigned now, and sad. Merlin searches his face in slight bewilderment. He expected arrogance and prattiness, but not vulnerability.

“If you are trying to say you hold your father in such high esteem that you are willing to bend to his wishes, yes.”

Arthur lifts his brows a bit taken aback. This sounds a damn lot better than admitting that his father dominates him and always has. At least that’s what it has always felt like.

But the way Merlin put it - in a way it is true. He loves his father even if he is responsible for a lot of his heart-aches. He has always tried to live up to his expectations and always feels he never really manages. Not so far. His marriage was one of these things. It had been expected of him to marry Vivien. She was beautiful, even if she was not quite his type. The sex had been great, so he hadn’t minded to start with because the marriage had fulfilled his father’s wishes. But now, three years on….

Merlin has been watching Arthur intently and seen the shadows crossing his face. 

“Let’s finish registration and get on,” Merlin suggests and Arthur reluctantly gives in, citing all his details as they go along.  He is 31, CEO at Pendragon Inc. and lives in Nottinghill. He has been married for three years. The name of his wife is Vivien. And then he fills in all the other nitty gritty for finance and security.

“Right!” Merlin finally proclaims. “Shall we get started, then?”

Arthur tenses. He has never been good with showing his feelings, and even worse talking about them. This is his worst nightmare. And then he does not even get a proper therapist, but an idiot who smashes other people’s car at will.

“How uncomfortable – on a level between 1 and 10 - are you about this whole procedure?”

The question comes out of the blue and Arthur feels caught out again. How the heck does Merlin know what he is thinking? He doesn’t know what to say. He has not been brought up to admit that he is scared or that he feels uncomfortable. Quite the opposite. So he just sits and stares at the corner of the coffee table, noting the ring a coffee mug has left there recently.

“That bad?”  Merlin gives him a sympathetic smile making Arthur feel even worse. Nobody pities him – that’s just ridiculous!

“I do not pity you,” Merlin says and Arthur startles for the third time how accurately Merlin’s reading him. “All I am trying to do is make you feel more at ease.”

Arthur is crawling inside his skin now. He can’t remember being that embarrassed since the day he had to tell his doctor that his best part was infected when he was fifteen. His stomach is so tight he’s sure he will never eat again. He is so uncertain what to say or what to do. He is holding his breath, but there’s no way he can actually speak. 

“I can help you to relax, if you allow it.” Arthur looks up, his eyes diving into Merlin’s and Merlin vaguely feels a pang of sympathy. The arrogant twat who humiliated him earlier is all but gone. All that’s left is a young man completely out of his depths in a situation he has no control over. A little flutter of something he could not define even if he tried hard settles in his stomach area.

“Okay,” Arthur squeezes out hoarsely and Merlin pretends not to notice the slight blush on his face.

“I’m going to put my hands on your shoulders now. Is that okay?” His voice is calm and soothing and there’s no judgement in it. Arthur looks at him as if he has just said something completely alien. He has no idea where Merlin is going with that one.

“Ready?” Merlin is in his element now. This is what he loves doing. When Arthur nods Merlin rests his hands gently on his shoulders. He can feel Arthur’s muscles and the heat of his body clearly underneath the thin shirt. They are so tense, it is almost as if he’s touching stone. Merlin closes his eyes and reaches out to the golden flow inside him and then directs it through his fingers. He can feel when he connects with Arthur.

Arthur has been more than sceptical about this, but at this stage anything that helps him to get through this can only be a bonus. He is shocked by the strange sensation that is pouring into him as soon as Merlin touches him. There is warmth to start with, and his muscles moan a sigh of relief when it hits them. Then they start to untangle and relax. It is a welcome sensation, but nothing compared to with what comes next.

A feeling of calm and serenity spreads through every fibre of his body and within seconds of Merlin’s touch, his body and his mind seem to be floating on a cloud of inner peace.  He has never felt like that before. He doesn’t even realize when he closes his eyes and lets his body slump further into the armchair. His breathing has calmed and the feeling of tranquillity is overwhelming. After a lifetime of being continuously challenged, put under pressure to perform from primary age and trying to do what was expected of him, he suddenly feels he can let go. And he does.

Before he can consciously think about it his eyes are welling up and a couple of tears are rolling down his face and he only notices them when they start dripping off his face and start dampening his shirt. 

He suddenly feels that it is okay, just to be. And to be himself.

“Tell me about yourself.” Merlin’s voice seems far away, but like a steady guide.

And then it all pours out of him.

How much it still hurts that his mother died at his birth, how he feels solely responsible for her death and how much, oh how much he has always longed for a motherly hug. How jealous he was of other kids at school to get cuddled in public rather than get a clap on his shoulder by his father. How he has tried to please his father all his life. How all he wants is to get accepted for who he is rather for who he is supposed to be. How he is used to push his innermost feelings aside and bury them deep, deep down in his soul.

Merlin just stands behind him and takes it all in. The hurt, the pain, the regret and the sorrow. The words are hurriedly spoken, as if Arthur is embarrassed to utter them.  But as unsure as they sound, the emotions returning to Merlin through the flow of gold that pulsates between them are clear and strong and quite self-explanatory.   Merlin receives them and returns acceptance and understanding and eventually he feels the turmoil in Arthur’s mind ease and finally settle.

Then there’s silence and Arthur leans into Merlin’s touch without realizing it. He feels so blissfully himself with those hands on him and he doesn’t want it to end. There’s a connection between him and that skinny, dark-haired, weird man. That much he understands, although he can’t put a finger on what it could possibly be. But he knows he’s never felt anything like this with anyone before. Just when Arthur starts weighing up how strange all this is, Merlin lifts his hands off. 

It is as if Arthur got doused with ice cold water. He jolts involuntarily and then opens his eyes trying to make sense of what just happened.

“What on earth was that?” he mumbles dumbfounded, unbelieving he has just bared his all to a complete stranger. Not even Morgana, his stepsister, has heard all of his most innermost thoughts, and she has been his rock for most of his life. But she has never got as close to his soul as Merlin has within the last hour.

Arthur clears his throat and when Merlin comes round to face him he just stares at him, unsure how to react after all his revelations.

Merlin smiles at him tentatively. “How do you feel?”

“Light-headed and odd.” Arthur hesitates. “How did you do that?”

“It’s an old relaxation technique I learned many years ago,” Merlin lies very plausibly.

“Oh,” is all Arthur musters and Merlin leaves it at that. He instinctively understands that Arthur will have to work through this experience on his own before he can move on with the therapy.

“So are we finished for today?” Arthur asks.

“Yes, I think you’ve done really well, Arthur.”

Arthur doesn’t feel totally comfortable with the fact that Merlin knows so much about him now. He still doesn’t understand what came over him to tell that shabby looking Porsche killer virtually every secret he holds in the depths of his soul. A man he has barely met. Arthur eyes Merlin suspiciously, but he can neither see nor feel any ill intent.

“Right, when do I come back?” Arthur pauses. “I assume, that I have to?”

“We are only starting out, Arthur.” Merlin confirms there is no way of getting out of another session. “You can make an appointment with Gwen at reception before you leave. Your wife has been contacted for her first appointment, too.”

Arthur gets up, still feeling a little bit drowsy and strangely elated. He steadies himself on his feet and makes for the door. Just before he puts his hand on the door handle, he slowly turns round.

“I’m sorry for the way I treated you earlier. The thought of coming here was killing me.” And before Merlin can answer he is out of the door.

Merlin’s jaw drops. That was more than unexpected. There seems to be a lot more to Arthur Pendragon than meets the eye. He felt it earlier, and the apology just confirms it. The golden boy is a person well worth knowing once you start looking further than skin deep.

Merlin finishes the notes he has made and looks at them in reflection. The moment he fused with Arthur’s emotions through the medium of his gift there was something there ….. He is not sure what. There was something …different, something he could not put into words, even if he wanted to, but whatever it was -  it went beyond any other connection he has ever had before.

And then he can’t help a big grin spreading all over his face – Arthur and Merlin.  If it wasn’t so laughable he could easily believe that fate meant this to happen.

Merlin shakes the thought as quickly as it appears. He knows he can’t afford even a half thought on that and why would he anyway? Not only is Arthur a client, but he has too much baggage himself. He knows that with his condition there’s very little chance he will ever have a proper relationship. Nobody will take him on the way he is. And he fully appreciates why. He has tried before and failed every time. He has had enough of hurt and tears. No, he doesn’t do that anymore. It is just too painful.

 


	3. The wife

She could easily pass as a film star. Vivien Pendragon is not only slim, delicately toned and perfectly tanned, she is also immaculately groomed in every way – understated make- up, trendy hairstyle, designer outfit, heels and sunglasses to match the Valentino handbag. 

She waltzes in the agency as if she owns it. Gwen inwardly rolls her eyes, but still secretly damns she is wearing one of her older outfits today. 

“I have an appointment at four.” Vivien demands, deliberately not introducing herself.  She seems to expect people to know her.

Merlin throws Gwen a look behind Vivien’s back. Gwen grins and decides to treat the woman just like everyone else. If anything, she hates pretentious people. She rustles up her sweetest smile and innocently asks, “What is your name, please?”

The woman’s jaws visibly tighten a bit, but she makes most of her introduction.

“I am Vivien Pendragon, darling.” Her gaze pierces Gwen and the condescending tone of her voice is well practised.

“Of course, Mrs. Pendragon,” Gwen replies with a professional smile, taking the wind out of her sails. There’s no way she will be beaten into submission by that stuck up dolly bird.

“Hey, you.” Vivien continues and waves at Merlin who has just come into reception to meet his client. “Get me a glass of water before I go in there.” It’s clear this is an order and that she expects Merlin to jump and just do it. “I assume that …. ,what’s his name, ... Mr. Emrys is ready for me. I am a bit in a rush.”

“I am ready, indeed,” Merlin replies, totally ignoring her startled reaction to his revelation. He feels how she is giving him a once over and notices her eyes narrowing and the tiny shake of her head. Obviously he isn’t up to her standards when it comes to therapists. “Would you please follow me, Mrs.Pendragon?”

Merlin senses she does so only reluctantly. But, undoubtedly, she’s been told what is expected of her just like Arthur, and she knows better than to be uncooperative.

The registration procedure is completed quickly. Then Merlin looks up to Vivien. She has draped herself over his sofa and is in the procedure of checking her mobile.

“Mrs. Pendragon.” Merlin draws her attention.

Vivien startles and sighs impatiently at getting interrupted.  She locks eyes with him, her gaze suggesting that all she does is humour him.

“Right,” she snaps. “Look here. This is very easy. I married Arthur. We’re expected to produce heirs. So _you_ just talk to him and tell him to get on with it.”

Hmmm. A highly interesting start. Merlin chuckles to himself. This woman hasn’t even got the slightest intention of making a go of this. Well, he won’t let her off that easily.

 “Why did you get married to Arthur?” he asks, knowing that direct questions usually elicit direct answers. Vivien does not disappoint.

“He is a Pendragon and he is rich.“ Vivien is very matter of fact.

When Merlin gives her a quizzing look, as if to say ‘Is that really it?’ she adds rather reluctantly. “Okay, he has a gorgeous body and he is hot.”

She gives Merlin a derogative smile. “Surely even someone like you can see that.”

Merlin isn’t sure whether she is insulting his intelligence or whether she’s actually taking a dig at his appearance. Although he knows better than to react to impertinence like that he can feel himself blushing and it annoys him. He knows fine he is way too skinny and that his arms and legs have a life of their own. Yes, he is well aware that his cheekbones stick out like pieces of glass and that his ears resemble mini satellites. He knows his hair hasn’t seen any decent styling for about a good year. And his clothes, oh well. But that doesn’t make him a lesser person.

That woman is so bloody rude she should take a course in manners rather than marriage counselling. But, aware of his position and that this is work, Merlin swallows the insult and maintains his professionalism.

“And the sex was amazing …,” Vivien continues just to stop and add, “… to start with anyway.” She utters a little frustrated sigh at the end.

“So you were in love with him?” Merlin tries to nail her on the matter.

“I wanted him.” Vivien is neither shy nor embarrassed about admitting it. She smirks and explains,“ I always get what I want.”

 “Wanting and loving is not exactly the same.” 

Vivien stares at him for a moment, and her brows wrinkle for a micro second as if she is contemplating his words. A second later she has lost interest in the question and starts eyeing her i-phone. It is blatantly obvious that the point is completely lost on her.

“This…” She waves around …”is starting to get tedious, _Mr._ Emrys.” She draws out the Mister in the most dismissive way to make her displeasure known.

“Are we finished now that you have established the facts?” She pops her head to the side and pouts. It looks like a well-practiced learned pose. Something she clearly does to get what she is after. Merlin wonders if Arthur has fallen for this before. If he has just smiled and given into her.

Merlin smiles. “Not quite. There are a few other questions I have to ask you.”

He takes a deep breath and gets on with it. “What do you think is going wrong between you and Arthur at the moment?”

Vivien catches her breath.

“How much time have you got?” she hisses, but then rattles off all the things that annoy her most as quickly as possible.

Arthur is never at home, prefers work to her company, moans every time she goes out with her friends, but then spends more time with his friends than her, gets annoyed when she spends a little bit of money here and there when she so desperately needs a new outfit to go out. He neither cares about the quality of her manicure nor the black stain on the leather seat of her Jaguar. He has done nothing about that and he would just have to snip his fingers. It wasn’t her fault that her mascara ended up on the seat. And that is just the beginning of it.

And so she goes on and on, and even Merlin, who’s used to stories like hers, starts wearing a little bit after a while.

“Thank you, Mrs. Pendragon.” It is funny how they’ve never gone past the formal address. But he can’t even contemplate calling her by her first name.

“I think that’ll do for today.”

“So you’re going to tell Arthur to stop being stupid and to behave, aren’t you?”  Vivien finishes and fixes her dark brown eyes on his.

“I will see your husband again tomorrow and we will discuss things.” Merlin makes sure his answer can be read any way she likes. “Please make another appointment with Gwen before you leave.”

“Just phone me, if I need to come back,” she snaps, grabs her bag and leaves, mumbling something like “I never even got a glass of water … substandard place.” under her breath. She damn well knows Merlin can hear every word.

Merlin is shaking his head in disbelief. How did Arthur, who would have the pick of all women in this world, end up with someone like that? Vivien hasn’t just become the obnoxious person she is in the last three years. Why would Arthur ever concede to marry someone like that? Just for amazing sex? 

Merlin’s insides clench for a second and he swallows – well, having good sex actually can’t be dismissed when you are with someone. Of course, as far as relationships go a decent sex life is simply not enough in the long run, but it damn well helps to get along. He should know because that is what he will never have, can’t have.

Of course Merlin realizes that his question why Arthur and Vivien are a pair is purely rhetoric. It clearly all comes down to Arthur’s relationship with his father. This is at the bottom of all this. This is what he has to resolve before Arthur can move on. To wherever that is. He vaguely notices his heart beating a little faster at that thought, but his mind is already in a different place.

Merlin bites his lips, realizing suddenly that for the first time in his career as a counsellor he feels really strongly that he shouldn’t even attempt to bring these two together again. Arthur deserves somebody better, someone who really cares about him, who sees his vulnerability and is there for him. Not that cold-hearted bitch in the body of an angel that has just left. 

“Merlin?” Gwen is at the door. 

“Sorry, I’m coming!” he shouts and tidies up the papers quickly. He is giving Gwen a lift home today. Well, if Aithusa is willing. Unfortunately she has been even more temperamental than usual since the accident. It seems not only the door was damaged in the procedure, but something has also gone wrong with her insides, too.  He really should take her to a garage, but there’s just no way he’s able to fork out for an expensive repair just now.

Gwen lives in the flat next to him, or rather _he_ lives in the flat next to _her_. Because she stayed in their block of apartments first. He owes it to her that he got his first decent accommodation after a lifetime of staying in digs of debatable quality.

They stop off at Tesco’s on the way home and Gwen offers to cook that night. Merlin accepts gladly. He is quite a dab hand in the kitchen himself, but tonight he is preoccupied. The Pendragon case is bearing heavily on his mind. It isn’t like him to take sides. He might have had a preference for one or the other partner in some cases before, but this is on a different scale. He really, really hates the guts of Vivien.

“Looks like Arthur Pendragon and his wife deserve each other;” Gwen states over the vegetarian pasta. She has been trying to make conversation for the best part of an hour, so far with very little success.

“Ah, that got your attention.” She grins when Merlin suddenly looks alert. “You have been unusually quiet this evening.”

“Sorry, Gwen.” Merlin mutters and his ears turn a darker shade of pink.

“Anything you want to share?” Gwen asks, eyeing her friend closely. She knows that something is up. She has witnessed Merlin in many of his moods and she can tell that something has upset him.

Merlin is aware she isn’t asking for any morbid details about the Pendragons. Gwen is just not like that, but she wants to find out what is bothering him.

“It is decidedly wrong…,” Merlin starts and stops, leaving Gwen with a big question mark on her face.

“It doesn’t seem right….” Merlin has another go.

“Oh, for goodness sake, Merlin. What are you trying to say?”

“They shouldn’t be forced to live together again.” Now, Merlin has said it. “I think it is totally wrong.”

“Wrong for her or for him?” Gwen enquires, trying to analyse Merlin’s comment.

Merlin visibly blushes now and Gwen’s eyes widen, intuitively grasping something Merlin hasn’t realized himself.

“This is about Arthur, isn’t it?” she enquires quietly.  

That is the only option. With Merlin being openly gay, it kind of excludes Vivien.  Apart from that, the woman is surrounded by an aura of icy conceitedness and self-importance that no person with a hint of common sense would go anywhere near her.

But Arthur? He is a looker, and Gwen gets why people would be attracted to him. But he doesn’t exactly come across as a warm person, either. No, he behaved in a rather arrogant and supercilious way at the office. For Merlin’s sake she isn’t going to air her own opinion just now though.

Merlin lowers his eyes and stares at his plate, following the pattern around the rim mindlessly. A deep blush is spreading all over his cheeks until it finally reaches his neck.

“You _like_ him. Is that it?” Gwen’s tone is a tiny bit incredulous. And from the way she says it, it is clear what kind of ‘like’ she’s referring to.

Merlin hears it, but the words confuse him. In fact, he looks aghast at her. No, he has not said that. He doesn’t mean that. Surely not. Where does Gwen get that from?  And why would he? Anyway. The shock of the statement sends his blood rushing through his body at ferocious speed and a wave of heat follows shortly behind.

“No, don’t be an idiot, Gwen.” He recovers swiftly from the comment. I just think there is no chance of a happy relationship there at all. My job is to heal relationships, to make people want to be together again, to make them HAPPY.”

Merlin doesn’t realize that his voice has grown louder as he has continued speaking.  Gwen just watches him intently, more aware of his emotions than he is. “Arthur has no chance of ever being even remotely happy with her. “

“How can you be so sure?” Gwen can see that Merlin might need an objective point of view.

“We used to take bets that you would not be able to reconcile certain couples.  Remember the Butlers? I bet fifty quid that they would never take a look at each other again. But then you simply took them apart and put them together again. They had another blooming baby after you.” 

Merlin sighs. “There is much more to him that you notice at first sight.” He avoids answering Gwen’s question directly and lowers his voice, as if speaking to himself.  The memory of the connection they shared is very much on his mind.

“Deep down he is a decent man who has a good heart which doesn’t deserve to be permanently trampled on by someone who could not give a toss about how he feels.”

Gwen bites her lips. She really really doesn’t want Merlin to get hurt. Again. She met him not long after he broke up with his last boyfriend. And although pretending to be happy and cheerful on the outside and being a brilliant person to spend time with, she soon found out that he was in shambles on the inside. That he was crushed almost beyond repair. Because he knows that his condition will always make his life really difficult. It’s taken him more than a year to get somewhat over it. 

Gwen inwardly sighs. “Oh, Merlin, be careful, I …” She puts an arm on Merlin’s hand and is just about to finish her sentence when the doorbell goes.

“A registered letter for Mr. Emrys.” A courier hands over a thick white envelope. It is obvious that it comes from a rather posh firm. Merlin signs for the letter and checks out the sender. He pales as he opens the letter. It is from Arthur’s lawyers. They have requested his presence in a hearing about the accident to determine the damage to Arthur’s car.

Merlin’s heart plummets, and he has no idea why he suddenly feels so bloody betrayed. It was obvious this was going to happen.

“Bastard!” he mumbles and chucks the letter on the sideboard in the hall. Gwen is right. Arthur isn’t much better than Vivien. He couldn’t care less what this will do to him, how it will affect his life. Of course Merlin does admit the accident was his fault, but he can’t help feel bitter about THIS. It feels like Arthur is dragging him in front of a fucking inquisition and that the sentence to be burnt has been passed before he even gets there. 

“Oh, Merlin.” Gwen has seen the envelope and realizes by the look on his face that the letter is the bringer of doom.

“You want to talk about it?” she asks, putting her hand on his.

When he shakes his head, she quietly walks to the front door after casting a last look at her friend who has slumped on the sofa staring at the switched off TV.

“Night, Gwen,” Merlin croaks. “And thanks. Really appreciate all the ….” He waves somewhat lost between her and himself, but Gwen understands and just nods. “Give me a shout if you want,” she adds in a sympathetic voice before she leaves.

Merlin collapses on his sofa as soon as the door closes, trying to sort out his tangled feelings. His head is humming in confusion. He is so puzzled about so many things. But, after all this, what is praying most on his mind is the knowledge that he has to face bloody Arthur Pendragon the next afternoon before he meets up with his lawyers on the Monday of the following week.


	4. Denial

Arthur is running up the staircase to the agency and is delighting that it doesn’t cause him to get out of breath. Even at the monumental age of thirty-one – he grins at the thought - he is in great shape and proud of it. He has always enjoyed keeping fit and loves his regular sessions at the gym. 

He’s had two days to mentally digest his first session with Merlin. To his own surprise he has spent quite a lot of thought on it. A lot more than he anticipated. If he is totally honest with himself he has hardly stopped going over it since he left the last time.

The conversation touched something in him he’s always pushed aside and his sudden outburst brought up raw and painful memories. Things he usually prefers not to deal with because it is too upsetting. And Arthur Pendragon cannot be upset or distracted by emotions. Too much depends on him.

Yet, the thought of Merlin’s hands on his shoulders has left him craving for more. He wants to feel like that again. He can’t wait to feel that peace inside him and to revel in the sensation of being understood.

Arthur shakes his head in exasperation. Is he really falling for this girlie airy-fairy rubbish? He has never given any credit to alternative healing techniques and is a bit miffed and alarmed that he feels quite excited about coming here again.

“Good morning, Mr. Pendragon,” Gwen greets him with a friendly smile as she watches him carefully while he approaches, secretly checking out why Merlin would be inclined to take a shine to him. Arthur does look gorgeous in his tight black jeans, the grey designer T-shirt and the casual smart fitted jacket, and there’s no doubt that he will turn many heads walking down a road. But looks alone would not sway someone like Merlin who can suss out people with just one glance. He must see something more in him, something not quite visible to the average passer-by.

“Don’t tell me Merlin is late again.” Impatience rings in Arthur’s voice when he can’t spot his counsellor anywhere. Gwen cringes inwardly. The guy has just arrived and he is moaning already. Merlin must be totally on the wrong track with him. Everyone makes a mistake at one point. But this mistake could cost her friend dearly, and she strongly objects to that.  

“I’ll call him for you,” she says and is just about to buzz Merlin’s office when its door opens and the aforesaid pops out his head.

“Come in, Arthur.” His face is dead pan and Arthur doesn’t know what to make of it. 

 “So, how are you today?” Merlin asks once they’ve taken a seat.

“I’m good, no ….great,” Arthur adds and finds his heart beating a little bit faster.

“Great?” Merlin questions his answer and raises an eyebrow. A guy who has serious marriage problems should probably not feel ‘great’.

Arthur immediately gets the drift and a blush creeps over his cheeks. “I mean, I am okay with coming here today.”

‘I’m pleased to hear that, Arthur.” Merlin sounds completely professional and detached. His cool behaviour rattles Arthur more than he is willing to admit. He was, in a strange kind of way, looking forward to this. But unexpectedly Merlin makes him feel ill at ease.

“Have you spoken to your wife since we last met?” Merlin starts.

“No, I’m not staying in our house just now.” Arthur informs him casually. And then, as if this needs further explaining, he goes on. ”I am staying at my apartment in the company building at the moment.”

“Right, I see. Well, I had a session with Mrs. Pendragon yesterday.” Merlin continues, and this time it is Arthur’s turn to pull his eyebrow up. He can’t possibly imagine what Vivien could have said about their marriage and what stories about him she might have dished up.

“She has put all her issues in front of me, and I would like you to do the same, so I can determine where both camps stand exactly.” Merlin still maintains the impersonal note in his voice and Arthur couldn’t say why this bothers him so much. Maybe it’s because last time he had the feeling that Merlin cared and understood. But Arthur must have been wrong. It is clear from Merlin’s behaviour that he is doing no more than his job. Following Uther’s orders and of course so should he.

Arthur pales and stiffens, and something inside him is tightening up in a knot. This is not what he came for. But he is here now and he isn’t known for throwing the towel in once he has started something. Giving up is simply not part of his vocabulary.

He eyes Merlin from the side to find the dark haired man gazing at him. The look is hot and piercing and oh so different from his behaviour. Merlin’s ears take a deeper shade of pink when he notices that Arthur has caught him out. But he hides his discomfort quickly and gets on with it.

“We have established why you married Vivien. Is there anything you would like to add to that?” 

Arthur shakes his head. There was nothing else but duty and sex.

“So how do you see your marriage now?” Merlin suddenly faces him full on, and Arthur almost flinches at the attack of those intense blue eyes.

He clenches his jaws, realizing he almost gasped out loud.

Then he says quietly, “There is no marriage.” to then focus on the trees outside to keep his eyes off that captivating face opposite him.

“Vivien wanted it, I know that,” he continues, “In fact our wedding day was a triumph for her. After all I was...” and at that Arthur gives Merlin a sarcastic side look clearly assuming that Merlin might not quite get that point “….the most eligible bachelor in this country for quite a while. It was the scoop of her life. And she loved that it was her who walked down the altar with me. That it was her who got the prize.”

Merlin cringes at the way Arthur describes himself. Like an object that was there for the taking. A prize that was to be had. It must hurt.

But he shouldn’t let this get under his skin because he has chosen to detach himself from all this. It’s the only way he can proceed with the counselling. He didn’t sleep a wink last night after Gwen left. His mind was buzzing around about what his friend had asked. Whether he liked Arthur. _Liked_ him. That way. Not just as a client. Even though it’s blatantly obvious that he can’t afford to get attached, his heart flutters a moment at the thought. The gold inside stirs at the same time, quietly forming soft swirls as if it is waiting for something.

Merlin’s common sense flinches. He simply doesn’t get it. Why does he even consider the notion? Arthur is rich, arrogant, married, straight… Merlin could go on, but it surely doesn’t need any more to clarify that the whole idea is totally balmy, not to mention any form of logic. There’s no one else in the whole wide world that’s less suited and more unavailable for him than the overwhelmingly gorgeous man in front of him. Which takes him straight to the ruffled blond hair and the slight stubble on that classic chin.

 _I am such an idiot_!  Here he is fantasizing, mislead by the gold inside him, by his yearning to love and be loved. _Idiot_! He shouts at himself as he watches Arthur taking stock of his marriage. And whether Merlin likes it or not – he can’t help feeling sympathetic.   

Despite the bloody letter from Arthur’s lawyers is burdening his mind. The thought of it sobers him up a tiny bit. However vulnerable Arthur may sound, it takes a very cold, uncaring person to take counselling sessions from a guy he is just about to destroy financially. Merlin swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down.

In the meantime Arthur continues talking about Vivien and what it’s like living with her. All she cares about is what they look like to other people and that they keep up appearances so they remain the golden couple envied by the rest of the world. She makes most of her status as a member of the Pendragon family. He can’t stand how pretentious she is, how much she loves all the rumble of photographers searching them out, following them, people bending over backwards to please them because of who they are. He’s pretty sure she actually loves the paparazzi.

Once Arthur’s finished he lets out a deep sigh and silence settles in the room he finds himself staring at Merlin’s teeth biting his bottom lip. When he drags away his runaway eyes, he feels embarrassed and annoyed that the guy in front of him has that effect on him. And what effect is that anyway?

“Yes?” Merlin enquires quietly, apparently expecting Arthur to say more.

Arthur’s head is spinning all of a sudden, keeping him from forming any other coherent thought. “Well, that is it.”

Merlin looks at him, a big question mark on his face. Arthur stopped virtually mid- sentence. There is something else going on here. Some kind of turmoil – he doesn’t need the power of his gold to determine that. He is just not sure what exactly goes on in Arthur’s head.

“Maybe you can help me…?” Arthur squeezes out, very much against better judgement and swallowing his pride “….to relax?”  There’s a tiny hopeful note in his voice, but Merlin chooses to ignore it. He has no idea what will happen if he connects with Arthur again. He doesn’t trust himself enough to do that. It is too much of a risk. He has a job to do, nothing else. “I don’t think that will be necessary today.”

Merlin can feel Arthur closing up like a shell when he says it. Shit. This is not good for the outcome of the reconciliation process, and he has his clear instructions from Gaius what is expected of him. Arthur has to make up with Vivien and is meant to produce babies. Uther wants to be informed weekly about the progress of the counselling. And he won’t stand for anything else but success.

Arthur freezes when Merlin declares he is unwilling to repeat last time’s relaxation procedure. The barriers are going down that second. It cost him a lot to even suggest it. To get rejected is just downright cringe-worthy. To say he feels moronic is putting it mildly. And he isn’t used to having a favour rejected.  

There is a moment of silence with both staring at a chosen piece of furniture. Finally Merlin pulls himself together.

“Is there anything you think you two have in common? Something you like doing together?” Merlin finally asks and, on realizing what he’s just said, he blushes and quickly pushes out the little add on. “Apart from the sex, I mean,“ he mutters and appears clearly embarrassed.

Arthur shakes his head and looks at him incredulously. “That does not happen at the moment, so stop being an idiot about it.“ Arthur isn’t bothered admitting it. He has no intention of touching that blond witch ever again. There’s no way he can share his bed with someone he doesn’t even respect a tiny bit.

Merlin’s cheeks are burning, flabbergasted why the admission sends a wave of hope through his mind. Hope? What the heck?

Arthur ponders Merlin’s question for a moment doing his best to cooperate. “We both enjoy riding. We’ve got stables on our estate in the country.”

 _It’s alright for some, isn’t it_?  Merlin can’t help making a sarcastic comment in the back of his mind. A country estate and riding. Typical. The pleasures of the rich. But that has nothing to do with his plan.

“I suggest you both agree on an outing to go riding together and see how you get on.” Merlin is saying it against his better judgement. Even if Arthur is a soul- destroying prat, Merlin is as sure as hell that Vivien’s totally wrong for him.

“What’s that supposed to do?” Arthur is, unsurprisingly, not very convinced about this.

“It means that you will spend some time together. Doing something you used to enjoy together creates a common emotional base. Sometimes it helps to set up a first step towards a reconciliation.”

Arthur’s face is like a closed book, but then it suddenly lightens up, a mischievous grin crossing his face. “I will agree to this on one condition.” He eyes Merlin with apparent schadenfreude.

Merlin has no idea what to expect, but the look isn’t promising something he will like.

“I’ll go if you come, too.” Arthur says it and bares his teeth in a flashy grin.

What the … What does Arthur want to achieve with that? It sounds like bloody blackmail. _Why on earth would I choose to spend an afternoon with that arrogant ice-cube of a woman?_ Merlin bites his lips and throws Arthur a look that could kill. This isn’t in his job remit by any means, and Arthur knows it, but he’s pushing his luck anyway.

“Surely this will give an invaluable insight in the workings of our relationship. It might, in fact enable you to solve our problem double-quick.” 

Merlin doesn’t even want to imagine what spending a longer stretch of time in Vivien’s presence must be like. Yesterday’s session was quite enough. But he is under pressure to get the Pendragons to talk. “Just do anything you can” Gaius said to him earlier.  “Uther expects it.”  _Shit._ What is even worse is that this means being close to Arthur and _that_ is going to cost him a lot of substance. Because whatever his common sense is trying to tell him, his gut simply has no intention of listening.

As Merlin is awash with contradicting thoughts and emotions his face is twisting and contorting in a rather spectacular way. It is rather endearing on the one hand, but really comic on the other. Arthur can’t help but laugh at what he sees. He throws his head back and blurts out full-heartedly.

That’s when Merlin’s heart stops. He watches that divine neck bending backwards and baring the soft skin at the side.  How can he help wondering what it must feel like to put his lips just … there. _Fuck! Did I really just think that? Moron!_ Merlin is so annoyed about his wayward feelings. Using a massive amount of will-power, he rips himself out of his day-dream. 

Arthur is clearly misinterpreting the fluttering of Merlin’s eyelids and the tightening of his jaws. “Afraid?” He is roaring with laughter now although he isn’t even sure why.  But laughing is such a great relief after the earlier tension.

“Come on Merlin. Don’t be such a girl. Say yes,” he eggs his opposite on. “Remember, she wants my balls not yours,” and at that Arthur chuckles again, and it is so infectious that Merlin is helpless against its powers and can do nothing but join in.

They both sit there laughing and chuckling until eventually Arthur’s body can’t take it anymore. His bellowing laughter turns into coughing, and while he’s trying to compose himself and breathe again he splutters all over the place.

“Perhaps you would like a glass of water?” Merlin is trying to salvage the situation and this is all he can think about at this very moment.

Arthur just nods, and Merlin leaves, returning with a glass of sparkling mineral water in his hands two minutes later. And then it happens.

Just as he’s about to reach Arthur and hand him the drink, his foot gets caught on the corner of the rug under the sofa. And before he can react, he trips, throwing the glass in the air spectacularly and showering Arthur with water in the procedure. At the same time he falls, just to be caught by Arthur before he crashes on to the floor.

Merlin hears the glass smashing on the wooden floor somewhere behind him the moment Arthur’s hand gets caught between the buttons of his shirt. It rips apart and Arthur’s steadying hand lands on Merlin’s naked chest. For a micro second they can feel each other’s breath. For that fraction of a moment in time they see heat and want in each other’s eyes and take note of the wild drumming of their hearts. For that tiny glorious instant there is the recognition of something neither can fully grasp or acknowledge. But even if their minds do not get it, the notion reverberates inside them and heads straight down south.

That heart-stopping moment is brutally interrupted a split second later by Merlin’s reaction. He recoils violently at Arthur’s touch, scrambling wildly to get away from the hand burning like fire on the skin of his torso. He starts hyperventilating, barely unable to take in any air. His breathing trebles in speed while tiny pearls of sweat have appear on his forehead.  His hands are shaking, and his body is visibly trembling. Merlin sinks on his knees barely able to take in anything around him. It is as if his body suddenly has a life of its own. Not even his gold can help him when he is like this.

Arthur is truly shocked at what he sees. After that mind-blowing second of … whatever it was … Merlin’s face is contorted by horror and an expression closely resembling extreme loathing. Arthur stares at his hand, wondering how a single touch can have such a disastrous effect. Merlin must really hate him, he must be disgusted that someone like him would come that close. 

The rejection hurts when it shouldn’t. There is no reason why he should feel so gutted. Nothing happened at all. The stupid guy who damaged his Porsche is reacting like an eejit in a completely harmless situation.

Merlin is trying hard to get control over his body and slowly, very slowly he manages, just by breathing deeply, like he’s been taught. After a couple of minutes he can feel the benefit of it. His mind is starting to calm, and his blurry vision clears enough for him to make out where he is. His gaze hits Arthur, and he realizes instantly that the blonde has seen something nobody else has witnessed apart from Lance who has been working with him on this for the best part of the last seven years. It is thanks to him he can lead a relatively normal life. 

Merlin doesn’t really want to check Arthur for the fear what he’s going to see. Nevertheless he is still drawn to search Arthur’s face. He finds confusion there and, much worse, repugnance.

Merlin can’t not blame Arthur for his reaction. There’s no way he could possibly understand what’s going on. There is no doubt Arthur must think he is a total tosser and a ginormous weirdo. Well, nothing new there – it is the story of his life.

Needing to do something, Merlin gets up, forcing himself to appear composed and normal. “Thanks,” he mutters. “I could have really hurt myself if you hadn’t caught me.”

Arthur just stares, then simply replies. “Okay.” There is no way he would ever admit to anyone, not even himself, how much he liked the idea of Merlin in his arms and how much Merlin’s awful reaction to it has affected him. Thank God It is time to leave anyway.

“I have to go,” he says curtly and takes a sharp exit, partly to hide the erection that has welled up in his tight jeans and partly because he has absolutely no coping mechanism for what he’s just experienced.

“I’ll see you later.” Merlin’s words come out hoarse, sounding small and hurt. His eyes follow Arthur who mumbles something like “Need to get changed for my next meeting”. When the door closes he takes a deep breath as he wipes his forehead in disgust. 

Well, that sorted things out. _This has ended before it has even begun_. Not that there was ever a chance of anything beginning anyway. Better now than later. This way the hurt is kept to a bare minimum.

Merlin is so sick of all this, and an outburst of anger is surging up inside him.

“Fuck!” he shouts at the walls of his office, and he hits the sofa with a tightened fist so hard it causes an explosion of dust motes. Just as well this is an old building and that the walls are thick. Merlin’s hands are still trembling a little, but the sweat on his brow is almost gone.

“Deal with it, you bumbling idiot,” he insults himself while a tear is making its way down the scruffy cheek. He doesn’t deserve any better and he should know. Why the fuck is he so upset?

And on top of everything Arthur hasn’t even mentioned the lawyer’s meeting.


	5. Merlin's Bane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with Merlin's bane - the one thing that makes his life totally miserable. It does contain graphic descriptions of violence at the beginning which are all in italics.  
> So if you prefer to skip these go straight to the part after that. You should be okay with the story line, although you will understand better what Merlin is going through if you read it.
> 
> I must say that I am a bit nervous about this chapter and that I do hope that I have managed to describe things in a sensitive matter.

_The blond haired woman leans over the little skinny boy and smiles at him. If he didn’t know better from experience he could pretend her smile means what it seems – a gesture of kindness. But experience has taught him better. And by now he can spot the malicious glint in her eyes._

_“What have you done today, Merlin?’ she asks almost sweetly and puts her finger under his chin to lift his eyes to meet hers. He doesn’t flinch. Instead he stares her out._

_“Ahh. Defiance,” she whispers, smiling rather pleased with his reaction. “That’s what I like to see.”_

_She quietly opens the drawer of her desk to take out a thick leather belt. “It makes this so much more worthwhile.” She comes closer tenderly stroking the musky brown leather._

_“I hear you spilt ink all over your books in class, haven’t you? Being your usual clumsy self.” Her eyes narrow and her lips tighten as she steps into his personal space._

_Merlin’s heart beats so fast he is sure she must hear it drumming of. He knows what’s coming next. Is prepared for it mentally, but unsure whether his body can take any more._

_He bites his lips when she motions him to lift his shirt. The pattern on his chest and his back left by a sharp letter opener only a week earlier hasn’t healed properly and is covered by crusty scabs. The woman gently runs her finger over the half healed wounds, and Merlin winces when she puts more and more pressure on them._

_“This must be still very sore.” At that she rips one of the scars open with her pointy fingernail. A sob escapes Merlin’s mouth. He can’t help it although he’s learned by now that this only encourages her. She runs her fingers over the thick leather belt in her hand one more time._

_“How many do you deserve today?” she asks, not expecting an answer. “Bend over,” she says and pushes him onto the chair at the same moment. Her grip is tight and painful and will leave marks that take a week and a half to fade completely._

_When the lashes come Merlin does his best not to give her the pleasure to see how much it hurts. He is young, but he is one of the brightest boys in this school and he also senses what makes people tick. His face is pressed into the wood of the chair, inhaling the air laced with her perfume. The smell chokes him and he’s gasping for breath. He tries to take his mind of the hard leather that cracks open the scars of his previous injury. Silent tears are running down his cheeks while blow upon blow land on his back. He isn’t counting them because he needs all his will power to control the pain consuming every fibre of his being. He wants this to stop, wants it to stop, wants it to stop._

_His gold can sense the satisfaction his tormentor is getting out of this, but there’s nothing at all he can do to defend himself. He winces as the blond woman works herself into a frenzy._

Merlin wakes with a scream. The first thing he notices are the red digits on his alarm clock. It is 6.27 a.m. He is drenched in sweat with his blanket pulled tightly around his body. He is hugging his chest and shaking all over.

“Shit,” he mumbles as reality takes hold of him. “Shit!” he cries again when he notices that his face is awash with tears. He lies in bed trying to calm his breathing just like he did yesterday during Arthur’s session. He wills his brain to think of something relaxing, and for some reason Arthur pops into his head. Merlin hates his brain. Thinking about Arthur doesn’t have the desired effect at all. Quite the opposite. His insides clench at the thought what happened the day before. He pushes the thought aside to come up with his memory of last Christmas at home.

His mum was so pleased to be able to spoil him then, and he enjoyed every minute of it. They had turkey and crackers and sang Christmas songs. They even watched ‘The Sound of Music’ on DVD. He isn’t embarrassed at all to call it one of his most favourite movies.

Hunith doesn’t ask him anymore how he is and accepts his way of coping. It took her years to shed some of the guilt she felt for not noticing. Although it was really Merlin’s fault. Because he was so bloody good at making excuses and hiding his bruises and scars. And he did not want to spoil her joy about his scholarship place at the prestigious primary boarding-school. His mum always had to work so hard and such long hours it seemed like a godsend. 

“Merlin is by far the brightest kid here.” The headmistress of the local primary was so proud. “The scholarship will give him a chance in life that only few with his background have.”

Hunith was even prouder and so relieved. Merlin would not only have a good place to live and get fed regularly for the time he was at the school. This was something which would set him up well for later life.

Merlin realizes with a sigh he is back to the same topic again and that trying to divert his thoughts is not really working. His arms are cramped round his torso, embracing himself. His is the only touch he can bear on his chest and back. Well, he can just about tolerate his mum holding him, a little bit. Not too tight though. But that is it. 

He was diagnosed with haphephobia not long after Gaius uncovered the criminal behaviour of the headmistress. The condition is usually caused by a severe trauma.  Well, being physically abused in the worst way over two years definitely counts. 

It was Gaius who found him cowering on the floor in an empty cupboard off the main corridor. Even then the old man was an experienced psychologist and it didn’t take a lot of guessing what was wrong once he saw the way Merlin got up from the floor.   He could hardly stand that day. 

Gaius didn’t only counsel him and provide his first therapy, he was also the one who gave him books about King Arthur and other medieval knights and kings to take his mind off his problems. They were Merlin’s salvation. Reality was left way behind when he got sucked up into the adventures of chivalrous knights. He has loved the stories ever since. That’s where his passion for the Arthurian legends originates.That is why he studied English literature.

The books and Lance made him human again. It took ‘only’ seven years. Lance was assigned as his therapist when Merlin was at High School. He wasn’t much older than himself and became a firm friend over the course of time. It was him who provided Merlin with coping mechanisms, so he could at least function in this world. But to this day he is not cured. The fear is always there, and most likely always will be. It is like a big shadow waiting to swallow him up at any time. And it strikes unexpectedly. Just like now.

Lance stopped the therapy a year ago when he felt Merlin was as good as he could get at this point in time and he was fit to cope with daily life. Before, he hadn’t been able to take the underground, move between crowds or get clapped on the back because any casual touch sent him into a big black hole. It often took days, sometimes weeks, to find his way out of there again.

He still can’t bear to be touched on his chest and his back, particularly when he is naked. That’s completely out of bounds. Sometimes he can just about stand it when he wears some kind of protection on his body like a T-shirt. Not often though.

Yesterday Arthur touched his bare skin, exactly there, on the spot where he can’t tolerate it the most. He shudders at the memory and the agony he felt. He used to be like this all the time, suffer from it permanently. But for a good year there have been no more panic attacks or nausea when someone just lightly brushes past him. And he hasn’t suffered from outbreaks of sweat or hyperventilating. Until now. 

Merlin groans as he gets up untangling himself from his sweat-drenched blanket.  When he reaches the bathroom he stares at himself in the mirror. He can see all the white scraggy lines that criss-cross his chest and some rounder angrier looking scars near his breast bone. His back looks pretty similar. He actually has not looked at it for quite some time, but he doesn’t need any proof they’re there. These are the visual marks of his agony. The marks that can’t be seen though are by far the worse.

A loud knock at the front door rips him out of his depressive reflection. 

“Merlin! Are you up?” 

It is Gwen. He vaguely remembers that they agreed to go out for some croissants and coffee this morning. He is suddenly aware that he is intensely cold. He must have been staring into space, lost in thought, for more than an hour. It is worrying that he has no recollection at all where all that time went.

“Just a sec!” Merlin’s feels hoarse. It is an effort to tear the words from his throat.

He opens the door, still in his pants and it takes Gwen only one look to assess his state correctly. She remembers the signs well from the time when he was still affected by the curse, as Merlin calls it, every day.

“Oh, Merlin!” She steps inside and what she really wants to do is hug him. Hug him so tight that it squeezes all the sorrow out of him. But she knows she can’t do that.

So she takes his hands instead and holds them tight. They are in the green touching zone which means that holding Merlin there will not cause him to freak out. 

She drags him over to the sofa, throws him a sweatshirt and some jogging pants because his hands are as cold as icycles. The goose bumps on the rest of him indicate that he’s freezing all over.

“Want a cuppa?” she whispers, unsure of what other comfort she can offer at this moment.

“Please.” Merlin whispers and slumps on the sofa.

A few minutes later Gwen returns with tea and toast. Merlin doesn’t think he can eat at first, but the smell of food does tickle his taste buds, and heS surprised when he wolves down two pieces of wholemeal bread with strawberry jam. They eat in silence.

“Anything I can do?” Gwen asks eventually and looks at him with so much sympathy Merlin starts tearing up again. Her friendship means so much and he truly appreciates having a friend like her. But just now there is really nothing she can do, so he shrugs his shoulders, quietly riding out the shock waves caused by the unexpected attack.

“Sit here.” Gwen motions him to move to the floor. She places herself behind him.

“I’m going to touch your hair, okay?” She warns and when Merlin nods gingerly, she tenderly strokes an errand lock out of his face. His head is also in the green touching zone and she knows that this should be okay, but wants to give him a chance to refuse her touch.

She gently runs her hand through his hair, massaging his scalp and the muscles on his neck. She kneads and pulls and rubs the skin of his skull, giving a head massage as good as she’s able to, and slowly Merlin relaxes.

It would be great if he could use his gift on himself. He’s tried it before, but it does not work. Which is rather ironic from his point of view. Because he can help and heal with his touch but can’t bear to be touched himself.

His gold is always there for the benefit of others, and yet, it leaves him stranded in his fight against the one thing that makes his life a misery. How more unfair can life be? To grant him such a special gift, but then leave him high and dry? For the moment though Gwen’s massage is helping and Merlin is grateful.

“Have you called Lance?” she asks just then and Merlin mumbles a weak “Not yet.” It feels like going backwards.

“’I’ll call him. He was going to come round later anyway,” Gwen says calmly and moves into the kitchen to make the phone call. It was Merlin who introduced Lance to her and it was love at first sight. Merlin is sure that there has never been a couple more predestined for each other. They are both kind, caring and if they were to be described in the language of Medieval English he would call them ‘noble’.

He knows he can trust either implicitly. It was unavoidable for Gwen to find out about his ‘debility’ once she was an item with Lance. He didn’t mind, no, in fact it was a bonus because there’s no one more understanding and supportive than Gwen.

He often looks at the two of them, pleased that he was the person to bring them together, but, at the same time, he can’t help being envious because this is the one thing he will never have.

A real relationship. Who would put up living with him being like _that_? He did try once. His name was Edwin. Merlin was head over heels with him, and they were happy for quite a while. He should probably thank the Gods that his touch sensitivity doesn’t extend to his cock.

The problem was that Edwin thought Merlin would get better, that one day soon he would be able to touch him everywhere. Merlin knew Edwin was desperate to run his fingers down his body, put his lips on his collar bones and trail kisses down his chest. But of course that never happened. And it started to become a problem, until the phobia finally won.

Merlin, of course, understood when Edwin left for a good-looking, completely normal bloke. It is only natural you want to feel the skin of the person you love against yours and want to return what is given to you.

Merlin loves touching, stroking and caressing as long as he is on the giving side. Receiving physical pleasure is virtually a no-go. But as soon someone touches his upper body, he completely freaks out. Just the idea of it makes him shiver. Although deep down the desire to be held and to be cherished makes his heart ache all over. How often has he wondered what it must be like to enjoy the touch of a lover without any worry of his phobia interfering. The touch of someone he loves.

The whole thing is a bit of a joke considering he’s so adept at sensing and interpreting other people’s emotions. But when it comes to sorting out his own problems he is rendered totally helpless

There is another knock at the door, ripping Merlin out of his dark thoughts, and a few seconds later Lance is at his side.

“What’s happened, mate?” He looks at Merlin with understanding eyes.

“Nightmare,” Merlin sums it up in one word.

“Same as before?” Lance enquires to give him an idea where to start. “Remembering?”

Merlin nods and looks away. He feels so embarrassed and humiliated about this, it is really hard to accept. Why has this happened now? Even without watching them he senses Gwen and Lance exchanging a look.

“Any idea what caused it?” Lance gets on with trying to put things back to ‘normal’.

Merlin shakes his head, still dopey from the intensity of the attack. He can’t remember doing anything extraordinary the last few days. Life has been as normal as it gets. He’s been to Camelot doing his research, he worked at the agency doing his counselling… And then it hits him. The only thing feeling different in the last few days was …. Arthur. And of course the incident at his office? But why would that have such an effect on him?

Merlin shares his thoughts and recounts the incident at the agency.

“Well, it sounds like that could have been the trigger,” Lance says. “What about Arthur? How did he react when you had the attack?”

“He was shocked and disgusted, and he left,” Merlin murmurs, and tries to subdue the sharp sting of disappointment at the memory.

Lance bites his lips. They will have to discuss this later. At this very moment, though, Merlin needs to be pulled back into the land of reality.

“Okay.” Lance sits up. “I think you should have a shower and we’ll take it from there.”

He knows that simple, every-day tasks will help with getting a grip on a difficult situation.

Merlin manages a half smile. Having Gwen and Lance there means the world to him.  He so wants to conquer this bloody fear and panic. His insides are aching to be normal and to be able to feel and enjoy it. He would do anything for just that. 

But for now he’s going to get cleaned up and do as Lance asks. He needs to get himself to a state where he can feign normality again. And tomorrow he has to be mentally and physically fit enough to accompany Arthur and Vivien on their riding trip.


	6. Awakening

Merlin’s mobile pings while he is having a take-away pizza with Lance and Gwen at his place. They have taken him out to the movies and he’s starting to feel a little bit more human again.

The text is short and sweet. Well, more short than sweet, but after their last meeting Merlin doesn’t expect anything else.

 _Pendragon Inc, main entrance, Sat 11 am sharp,_ it says on his mobile.  It sounds nothing less than a command. What a prat.

Merlin’s dreading this because he doesn’t know what it will do to him.  He still feels a bit fragile in body and mind after the attack. It has shaken him more than it should have. And he’s noticed, although a bit reluctantly, that he isn’t exactly emotionally stable when he is around Arthur. The whole situation is asking for trouble.

But he’s going to grit his teeth and get through this. Gwen filled Lance in about the whole Pendragon thing which is a relief because Merlin wouldn’t have known how to explain what’s going on inside him.

Lance thinks it’s possible that Merlin’s budding feelings for Arthur have violently collided with his belief that a normal physical relationship is not within his reach. And that this has triggered the attack. It is his subconscious trying to remind him of his weakness, telling him of his shortcomings. Great! As if he needs to be reminded of that!  

Lance advises him to be careful where he invests his feelings and not get involved in anything that’s bound to make him feel worse. So Merlin has decided to let his safety shutters down, and is full with the best of intentions to keep them that way. 

The next day, Arthur is bang on time, the light blue Porsche coming to a screeching halt right next to Merlin outside the main entrance of Pendragon Inc. at 10.59 Western European time.

“Wow. You’re on time.” Arthur takes an immediate dig at Merlin. He feels incredibly awkward, particularly when he thinks of the way he left when they last met, and is basically not sure what to say. This is the first thing that’s come to his mind  and he simply let it out. Merlin gets in without a word, noticing Arthur throwing him a castaway look. 

“I’m surprised you came.” Again, Arthur feels the need just to say something and he damns how he’s unable to come up with a better line of conversation.

“Not much choice there, golden boy….”  Merlin grumbles, remembering his conversation with Gaius. In which he was basically told to do ANYTHING to get Arthur and Vivien together again. Going out on a date with an estranged couple easily runs under ANYTHING. To say he is apprehensive of this afternoon is the understatement of the year.

Arthur tries a grin, but it ends up half-baked. He knows fine that there’s only one solid reason why Merlin’s turned up. “No need to hide that you only do this because you’re under pressure from my father to succeed.” He swallows and adds rather quietly,  “Welcome to my life.” 

What a shitty, blundering start! But Arthur simply doesn’t know how to play this. After their last meeting he left the agency with a plethora of emotions running wild amok inside him - confusion and shock overriding most other ones.

When his head cleared a little bit he did attempt to sort out the tangled mess inside him. He was confused, not only by Merlin’s cool, distant behaviour at the beginning which starkly contradicted the heat in his eyes later on, but even more so by what happened when he held him in his arms for that second.  Arhur’s been playing it in his mind all over again and again and again. When he felt Merlin’s warm breath on his face and smelt his skin so close to his own, when he felt Merlin’s heart beating in his chest while his hand was resting on the dark chest hair something inside him short-circuited. 

And his cock reacted to all that as if he was still a blooming teenager. At his age. He was rock solid when he left the agency. It was so bad he had to stop in the staircase of the building to get himself under control with some breathing exercises. Willed himself to let it go. This is what he is good at after all. Controlling himself. Keeping a tap on his emotions. Following the rules.

He doesn’t understand AT ALL what’s going on here exactly. He’s pretty sure he is hetero. Surely having multiple girl-friends and being married are a clear indication of that? He has enjoyed female company for all of his life and loves the sex that comes with it.  

But he can’t deny what his body is telling him. That he is attracted to the dark haired man sitting next to him with a face as long as a dark winter’s day. Otherwise he wouldn’t feel gutted when he recalls Merlin’s reaction at his touch. It was terrifying. And odd. And he isn’t used to being rejected.

Yet, it hasn’t stopped his pulse quickening when he glances at Merlin’s full lips and the curve of his cheekbones. He knows it is mad and defies everything he thinks he is, but it is there. Arthur decides not to overthink this and just play it by ear. It is all he can do because he has no bloody clue how he should act.

They are racing down the motorway at a speed that’s blatantly asking for a ticket. 

“God, do you have to show off like that?” Merlin mumbles, feeling slightly bitter at the fact that Arthur’s Porsche has already been meticulously repaired while Aithusa is still ailing from the aftermath of the accident. 

“Jealous?” Arthur isn’t put off by his attitude at all, sitting there as happy as a child in a candy shop.

“At you? At your car?” Merlin laughs out loud. “You must be joking. I’d rather be poor and struggling than an overbearing prat like you.”

Arthur flinches a little at the quip. Maybe it isn’t meant the way it sounds, but for some reason it does sting a little.

“You’re supposed to be supportive of me and my problems, not slag me totally off.” Arthur retorts. “Did you get up on the wrong foot today?”

Merlin can’t possibly answer this after what he went through the last 24 hours. So he just shrugs his shoulders. “I would like to remind you AGAIN that this whole business of accompanying you and your wife is not really in my remit.” He does his best to put a stamp of authority onto the comment. He needs to, so he can keep his feelings under check.  

“Of course it is,” Arthur contradicts him immediately. “Surely knowing your clients on a more personal level must help you understand their psyche better!”

Merlin sighs. This isn’t untrue, but being in such a contained space with Arthur is already getting to him. He can smell his aftershave and has spotted a little cut at the side of his jaw caused by an errand shaver. His fingers are twitching to stroke over it gently and let some gold flow into it to make it better.

To get his mind off this irritating subject he turns his head to concentrate on watching the world go by on the outside. They’re heading east towards the M40, but soon turn off the motorway into the mellow countryside. Finally they arrive at a huge gate towered by an even larger sign. ‘Pendragon Manor’   

Merlin’s lips twitch – can it possibly get any more pretentious than this?

Arthur notices his reaction when he turns into the estate. “For Goodness sake Merlin, most estates in the south of England have some kind of name at their entrance doors!”

“Yeah. Right. Nothing to do with being a pompous git then, I assume,” Merlin mutters loud enough to be heard. He does feel a tad guilty about his grumpy remark. At the end of the day it isn’t Arthur’s fault he was born into this establishment and that his name sits up there in huge letters. But he works hard on keeping those shutters down, and taking the mickey out of Arthur does help.

When he sees the house, well, it hardly is that, it’s actually more like a palace, he does hold his breath for a moment. And he wonders what a privileged life like that must be like. To have everything all the time. To know the world is your oyster right from the beginning.

He looks down at his scruffy jeans, suddenly painfully aware of his old brown jacket.  Arthur and him, they really are from two completely different planets. Totally. Utterly.  He curses those tiny bubbles of want inside him when he looks at the blonde next to him. Follows that jaw line. Gets caught in the blue of his eyes.

This is wrong. So very wrong. For many reasons more than being totally incompatible on the social front. 

And it is as sure as hell that it wouldn’t be Arthur who was going to get hurt if anything ever happened between them. Lance is so right. He has to stay calm and distant and strong! But the gold inside him seems to have a completely different idea, wants to betray his intentions. It is pulling him towards Arthur, swirling in his direction, trying to connect with him.

He’s relieved when his unhealthy train of thought is interrupted as Arthur parks the car on the gravel at the front of the mansion and declares the blatantly obvious. “We’re here!”

When they get out of the car, there’s a stir at the gate and an old man with a huge smile walks towards them. “Welcome home, Master Arthur. It is really nice to see you here again.”

“Thank you, George.” Arthur claps the old man on his shoulder and Merlin is really surprised to detect some genuine like between the two.

George sends a warm smile to Arthur. “Lady Pendragon isn’t here yet, sir” 

“That’s alright. We’ll go the stables and wait for her there,” Arthur says affably and then grabs Merlin by his arm to drag him into the right direction.

“Servants?” Merlin’s voice is saturated with sarcasm. “Not pompous, are we?”

“Well, what do you expect? A place like this needs people to look after it!” Arthur defends himself quite matter of fact. He’s always loved George who used to sneak him treats when he was a young boy and cuddle him when he was crying. He is one of the few people who kept him sane in this world of emptiness he was brought up in.

Morgana, his half-sister, is the other person that grounded him and made him laugh and kept him from total despair. But she has escaped to America now, and he doesn’t hear from her very often. Which means that she’s happy. She is the one that got away. While he is still exactly in the same spot as ever. Apart from this latest development. Apart from Merlin. All this feels very different from normal.

He looks at the man next to him and a sudden wave of desire washes over him, and he bites his lip. Of course acting upon it is totally out of question. He would never dare it, and particularly not after what happened at their last meeting.

They are walking towards the stables with Arthur’s hand still on Merlin’s arm who is painfully aware of it. He can sense through the touch that Arthur is looking forward to this. Unfortunately it also sends hot flushes through his body, completely interfering with his rational thinking. When they get there Merlin is grateful that Arthur needs both hands to open the gates of the stables and has to release him as a result.

“Have you ever been on a horse before?” he asks Merlin, as they walk into the big building.

Merlin chuckles for the first time. It’s like asking an alien if he’s ever been on a bicycle. “Sorry mate. There were no fancy riding stables where I was brought up.” 

“And where’s that?” Merlin raises his brows in surprise at the personal question, but answers anyway.

“Ealdor. Tiny place of 200 people, about 45 minutes north of Cardiff.”

“Not famous for its nightlife, then?” Arthur teases.

“Depends what nightlife you’re looking for,” Merlin retorts quickly and Arthur laughs out loud.

“I take your word for it that there’s more going on in Ealdor than meets the eye.”

The remark is harmless and funny, but after last night it hits an unpleasant truth. Merlin pales a bit and catches his breath. At the same time he is embarrassed by his reaction because he knows that Arthur meant nothing by his words.

“So, you were brought up here?” Merlin asks to skim over his uneasiness.

“Yes, my parents lived here before I was born, and then, after my mum died, father wanted to remain here until I was old enough to go to boarding school. I assume he felt closer to her like that.”

There is sadness in Arthur’s voice. But it’s obvious that he loves this place, even if h _e_ apparently was not loved as much as he should have been.

Just before they reach the boxes with the horses, Arthur’s mobile pings. He reads the message and grins.

“Vivien will not be joining us today. Her manicure is taking longer than expected and she can’t risk her brand new nail varnish being destroyed by a ride.” Typical. 

So that leaves the two of them. Merlin starts biting the inside of his cheek nervously.  This is exactly the type of situation he’s supposed to avoid.

“Shall we head back, then?” he utters as there’s clearly no point in him staying any longer. But Arthur’s already headed for the box furthest down the stable and doesn’t hear him. So what else can Merlin do but follow him.

There are six horses and Arthur introduces them to Merlin one by one. They are all beautiful creatures and even Merlin who hasn’t the tiniest idea about horsemanship can see they’re well groomed and kept.  

Arthur knows the animals intimately and explains all their little habits and differences.  His eyes are alight and he speaks passionately as he strokes each horse with affection. And they all respond in kind, whinnying pleasantly or nibbling on his jacket.

It is clear that this is a place where Arthur can be happy and is able to relax. It shocks Merlin that he senses the emotion so strongly even though he isn’t even touching the man next to him. And he certainly has no intention to either. No, he really doesn’t want to. He isn’t even thinking about it. Nor is he scrutinizing Arthur’s hands when he rubs the horses’ soft noses tenderly.

“And this…,”Arthur is approaching the last box in the stable now. “….is my absolute favourite. Prince.” 

“You’re serious?” Merlin grins.  

“About what?” It’s is rather funny how oblivious Arthur is.

“Prince?” Merlin wrinkles his brow and he chuckles raising an eyebrow.

“Ah, get off it, Merlin!” Arthur has caught on to where Merlin’s coming from now and smiles, momentarily distracted by the sound of his bubbly laughter and the dimples it produces. “He deserves that name. Just look at him. He’s bloody gorgeous.” 

Merlin shivers when Arthurs says it, loves how the word ‘gorgeous’ sounds in his posh accent. But no, he isn’t going to elaborate on that.

Of course Arthur is right. The horse is a total beauty. A black stallion. All power and muscle.  But he doesn’t seem to be very settled. He’s dancing around in his box and shaking his head in an irritable, jittery manner.

“Anything wrong with him?” Merlin asks and gently takes the reins to pull Prince’s head closer. The horse resists at first, but then gives in to the insistent force of Merlin’s hand.

“Are you telling me you’re a horse whisperer, too?” Arthur is amused, but taken aback at the same time that Merlin who is completely ignorant about horses would spot that something was amiss. It is true that Prince has been unsettled for the last week and they haven’t found any reason for it so far. “He’s been rather fidgety and excitable the last few days.”

Merlin strokes the long neck of the animal and then rests his hand, fingers stretched out wide, on Prince’s forehead right between the eyes. Merlin just stands there and closes his eyes as if he’s listening. His gold is taking over and reaches out to Prince.  Merlin follows its flow and connects with the animal.

Suddenly Prince is visibly calmer. Arthur blinks in amazement as he watches how the horse stops dancing around and relaxes under Merlin’s touch. He stares at Merlin’s long fingers and at the long eyelashes that are even more noticeable against the paleness of his cheeks. 

It hits Arthur that he wishes it was him there, revelling in Merlin’s touch. What an utterly stupid and embarrassing thought! How can he possibly be envious of a horse?  This whole thing is seriously messing with his head.

Just then Merlin bends down and runs his hand over Prince’s front right leg. The horse gives a tiny jerk when he touches the inside calf.

“Feel that!” Merlin looks up at Arthur unaware of his eyelashes fluttering whereas Arthur’s eyes are drawn to them like a magnet. And a bunch of butterflies erupts in his stomach.  

He cowers next to Merlin and checks the hidden spot Merlin’s pointed out. He can immediately feel something lodged under the skin.  On closer examination he finds a long thin, needle shaped thorn. It is no wonder the horse has been uneasy. This must have caused him a lot of pain. Arthur manages to find some tiny pliers and gets the damn thing out while Merlin holds Prince still. Things like that aren’t easy to figure out and he’s really relieved that Merlin has spotted it.

“How the heck did you do that?” Arthur asks dumbfounded. “That was bloody amazing!”

Merlin face lightens up like the Christmas decorations at Selfridges when he smiles. He looks so genuinely pleased, he is downright huggable in his boyish enthusiasm. Arthur just swallows at the sight of him, ignoring his thumping heart fervently. He sighs inwardly when he realizes how tight his jeans have suddenly become. 

“I’m really pleased I could help.” Merlin smiles, but that’s all he is going to give away just now. Gaius has warned him many times that sharing the truth about his gift is not a very sensible idea. People get scared at things they don’t understand and often react adversely to it.

“You could earn a fortune doing this.” Arthur is still kind of awed, and Merlin keeps grinning at him. He can’t help feeling a tiny bit smug. And happy, because of Arthur’s obvious appreciation.

“Hey!” he exclaims rather softly and delighted when Prince starts nuzzling his elbow.  He claps the stallion affectionately first and then lifts his hand to stroke him gently.

Arthur watches him from the corner of his eye while he’s putting the pliers away.  There is definitely something about Merlin.  Prince never takes to strangers like that.  Something warm starts wrapping itself happily around Arthur’s heart.

“He likes you,” Arthur says quietly, his voice raw and hoarse, giving away what he really means. 

Merlin feels the vibes in the words and looks up, unsure what to make of this. What he finds is Arthur right next to him grabbing the other side of Prince’s reins. Although all alarm bells are sounding and Lance’s warnings are ringing in his ears on full volume he is helpless, once his gaze gets caught by Arthur’s widened blue eyes. 

Arthur edges a tiny bit further towards Merlin, just enough to step into his personal space. He is now so close that Merlin can feel the heat radiating off his body. Right there and then Merlin wants nothing more than to give in to the gold edging him towards the man beside him.

Suddenly the atmosphere is so thick they could cut it with a knife. The tension between them is tangible, and Merlin holds his breath while all his sensible intentions crumble into tiny specks of dust. Reeling with anticipation and hope, his heart’s drumming and his pulse quickening. And then he blushes furiously.

Arthur takes it in and his brain stops working the instant when his body takes over. Instinctively he puts his hand on Merlin’s wrist pulling him even closer. 

“Merlin,” Arthur whispers, full of uncertain surprise, as if he had unexpectedly discovered something really precious. There is need in Arthur’s voice and heat in his touch. 

And it reverberates in Merlin’s heart as he starts falling apart. This cannot be real. It can’t be. Why would Arthur ….?

“Ah, hello. There you are!” A deep voice bursts the bubble of longing that’s been building steadily around them. 

Arthur noticeably stiffens and his hand drops off Merlin as if he is poisonous.

“Hello, father,” he greets the man who is slowly approaching them. “I didn’t know you were planning to come out here today?”

And at that he takes a very deliberate step away from Merlin, turns round and heads towards his father.


	7. Uncertainty

Uther enters the stables and walks towards them.

Arthur recovers first – after all he has had a lifetime of practice to pull himself together in record time so he can meet his father's critical gaze.

Merlin takes a moment longer to adjust. There can be no mistake in what he experienced only a few moments earlier. Even if Arthur dropped his hand like a hot potato when Uther arrived. That was kind of an obvious reaction.

He is certain he wasn’t mistaken. Arthur's voice and the intensity in his eyes were pretty telling even before he put his hand on his wrist. But the touch gave his feelings away clearly. A wave of wanton washed over Merlin the same instant. The memory of it is tearing him apart and makes his heart beating like there is no tomorrow. And all the 'good' intentions of keeping his shutters down have blown away in an instant.

"So who is your friend?" Uther asks Arthur in a demanding tone.

"This is Merlin Emrys." Arthur introduces the two men. "My father, Uther Pendragon." As if Merlin did not know.

Uther comes closer and shakes Merlin's hand. "Ah. The miracle counsellor," Uther replies. "Gaius has spoken of you very highly."

"Thank you." Is all Merlin can utter while he bears up to Uther's scrutinizing look.

"So, what has you brought here today?" Uther asks quite innocently, but, after what happened a few moments ago, Merlin feels immediately guilty. Fleetingly he wonders whether Uther has noticed more than he lets on. Not that there was a lot he could have seen, but it might have been revealing if he had looked on the right way.

When Arthur shortly explains the reason for Merlin's presence, Uther measures Merlin with approval.

"You’re clearly a man who takes his work very seriously." Uther smiles appreciatively. "I like that."

"At Rapport we do all we can to reconcile couples." Merlin says weakly, knowing full well he sounds like a cheap TV advert. But he is pleased that he manages to say something at least.

"So I assume you’re getting somewhere with my son?" Uther enquires and the question almost causes Merlin to splutter out loudly.

Arthur's cheeks start colouring, and it is just as well he is standing slightly behind his father because like this it’s easier to hide his panicky embarrassment. Merlin blushes yet again, cursing this damning habit he has no control over whatsoever.

"I do whatever I can," Merlin utters, suppressing the twitching of his lips at the ambiguity of the remark. He looks past Uther, when he says it, straight into Arthur's eyes that darken at the gaze and widen in recognition.

"Very good. I’m sure we will see a favourable result of your work soon then?"

"I’m certain we will find the best solution for Arthur," Merlin adds, deliberately giving an open answer.

At that, he is dismissed by Uther, as the man turns round to address Arthur. "I’ve looked into the situation at Stratton."

Merlin notices how Arthur tenses and his brows furrow.

"I cannot see how we can keep the factory open there. It is running on a loss," Uther states.

Arthur takes a deep breath and there is contained anger in his voice when he answers. "There are 400 jobs at stake there, father. People depend on the employment in the plant and there’s nothing else in the area that could sustain a small community like that."

"That’s a sad fact, but the factory is not profitable any longer, and at Pendragon Inc we don’t live with failure." Is Uther's cold assessment. "Make preparations for its closure tomorrow," he orders, completely ignoring Arthur's opinion and the fact that it is Sunday the following day.

"You can’t do this, father. It will ruin the lives of all those people who have come to rely on us as trusted employers."

Uther gives Arthur a long calculated look. "All those years, Arthur, you have been in this business and you are still too soft." It sounds condescending and degrading, like a master telling off an incompetent servant.

Arthur is struggling to keep his temper, but he isn’t ready to let the matter go.

"But what about the social impact on the whole area? I’ve worked out plans how we can save the factory. How it will start making money again."

But Uther just smirks at his son and shakes his head. "Too expensive." He judges without even considering Arthur's proposal.

"Have you got no conscience at all?" Arthur is more than annoyed now. But his words are a direct attack on Uther's authority and _that_ the man will never stand for.

"Fuck the social impact," Uther spits outs dismissively. "It is time you learn how to run a company properly and prove you have a business mind. We aren’t the bloody welfare. Seems you aren’t taking your position very seriously." Then he turns round and marches towards the gates.

"Close the damn factory," Are his final words before he leaves. And "I'll be up at the house overnight."

Arthur lets out a deep breath when his father is gone. His jaws are clenched and Merlin can see that he is reeling with suppressed anger. Uther treated his son like a minor, telling him off as if he was a little boy, rather than a major player at his company. His condescending behaviour wasn’t only hurtful and cold, but also completely uncalled for in the presence of someone else.

Merlin senses how Arthur struggles to come to terms with the humiliation. The blonde's eyes are downcast, unwilling to show openly how much his father’s behaviour hurts. And even worse, in front of Merlin. Who must think that he is a total loser.

Sympathy wells up inside Merlin and he can’t bear to see Arthur so upset. And to be thwarted in his attempts to do something morally right.

"Come here." He motions Arthur to sit on a half full sack of oats.

Arthur is too numb to even think of objecting and just does as he is asked. He sits down without any protest while Merlin kneels behind him and puts his hand on his shoulders. All he wants to do is help. Rid Arthur from the distress he is under or at least alleviate it. Help him to relax and lessen his burden.

The connection is immediate. And so is the effect. A sigh of relief escapes Arthur's mouth when the warmth of Merlin's gold starts spreading through his body. God, this is pure bliss. Arthur closes his eyes and relaxes, leaning a little bit more into Merlin who is very aware of how close Arthur's body is to his own. Liking it on the one hand, but making sure on the other hand that there is a safe distant to his chest. He’s going to make bloody sure that he hasn’t got another attack in front of Arthur.

Arthur sighs again and then, when he thinks of Uther, he suddenly feels the urge to talk. And it pours all out of him.

Yes, he’s always had everything, was well looked after in terms of material things. But he has a father who always quietly blamed him for the death of his mother who died at childbirth. And made him feel guilty about it even without ever directly mentioning it. A father who has never shown his affection in more than a handshake or a clap on the shoulder. Who has never complimented him. Apart from the time when he finished High School with ten As and won the School Football League with his team in the same month.

Uther always pushed him to run faster, jump higher, get better grades than anyone else. And demanded that he behaved like a man even when he was just a little boy. Uther made sure right from day one that Arthur knew that duty always comes first and that his own happiness should be the last thing on his mind. Uther was never content with anything he did. However hard Arthur tried.

Still, Uther is the only direct family he has got. He is his father. Not being accepted by him for who he is pains him more and more the older he gets. Because he realizes now that it will most likely never happen. That he will never be good enough. However often he has set aside his own wishes, brushed his feelings under the carpet and just did what he was expected.

Arthur's anguish lies raw in the open and when he finally stops talking his head sinks to his chest in emotional exhaustion. Merlin keeps channelling his gold and slowly rubs his shoulders with his thumbs at the same time. Arthur is trembling under his touch but he is slowly relaxing and the whole situation seems to mellow until …

…..suddenly Arthur jerks up and staggers away from Merlin's hands. A look of surprised shock on his face. A thought has just struck him like lightening.

This…. has all been too much. Far too much for him to process. He has never ever told anyone as much as this. Has never completely bared his soul right to the very bottom of it. It was pretty close to the bone first time, but this ….?

And although his heart does feel a shade lighter for it, there is the sense that his privacy has been infringed.

"Shit," he pushes out in bewilderment. "You should come with a bloody health warning."

An intense sense that Merlin's relaxation technique is all wrong is crushing him. It is not like him to share with anyone what hurts him most. This isn’t how he would normally act. And those …how can he put it ... _feelings_ for Merlin. That’s totally weird. He likes women, not men. Never even thought about blokes before, _that_ way.

Suddenly everything seems crystal clear. There must be something else going on here. "You are fucking with my head, aren't you?" he accuses Merlin, shock and confusion written all over his face.

Merlin stares back at him, completely horrified. "I only wanted to help," he whispers unable to believe his ears while his guts are knotting at an alarming rate.

"Help me or yourself?" Arthur snaps. "You make me do things I would never usually do. And whatever that ... thing was between us. It is not real. Can't be. _You_ are twisting my brain to make me believe these feelings are there. But this is NOT who I am!"

Arthur is pushing out the words hurriedly and defensively, and Merlin gapes at him in total disbelief while his heart shatters in tiny pieces. Arthur thinks he is abusing his ability. He believes that he’s been trying to rip his deepest secrets from his heart on purpose. Even worse Arthur thinks he did all that to influence his feelings and sway them in his favour.

Gaius warned Merlin about this. That people get scared when they are faced with their own innermost feelings. That they don’t want to see what’s inside them and take their fear out on him. But surely Arthur must know that he wants nothing but help? He must sense there is a genuine connection between them?

Arthur is on his feet the next second and eyes Merlin with suspicion.

"You don’t seem to have a lot to say in our defence, Merlin." He sounds gutted and annoyed at the same time. Arthur can’t believe he was taken in so easily, and that it took him all this time to realize that the power in Merlin's hands was leading him astray.

Merlin just shakes his head. There is no point explaining anything at this moment in time. He is pretty sure of that. Arthur will not listen because he is too angry and too shocked.

"I need to get back." Arthur is turning around abruptly at Merlin's silence and heads for the door.

Merlin scrambles after him. There’s really not much choice because it is Saturday afternoon and there’s no public transport in the vicinity. It would take hours to get back to London.

There is stony silence, carried by hostile vibes in the car as they zoom along the motorway towards London.

Arthur pretends to concentrate on driving. His jaws are clenched and his lips thin. All he wants is to get Merlin out of his car as soon as possible because his presence causes him severe pain somewhere around his heart area. And he suddenly hates all those emotions running through him at will.

Merlin sits there, still shell-shocked how things have turned out. Arthur's distrust and accusations cut through him like a sword. They brought home to him what a disaster he is. Considering his gold is the better part of his touch sensitivity! He shakes his head quietly. That moment in the stables they had been so close, so close to …..

Merlin bites his lips while his eyes are turning moist. There is no more denying it – he has fallen for Arthur. Fallen for him really hard. The kind of ship, line and sinker hard.

Arthur's negative reaction to his gold has pulled the rug out under his feet, and he realizes that he’s very close to falling off the edge of that cliff he has been wandering on.

When they reach the outskirts of London Merlin decides that nothing he says can do any more damage than has already been done. And he makes the conscious decision to leave all common sense behind and just act by gut feeling. He will just go for it. And Arthur can take it or leave it. He simply has to take that risk.

"I was born with my gift." He starts quietly and although Arthur doesn’t in any way acknowledge it, Merlin knows he is listening.

"It is empathy on the highest level. Gaius says he has never seen anything like it. I dip into the energy around us, channel it and use it to relax people. I enable them to come to terms with their fears and problems and to think through issues they can’t deal with themselves."

Arthur has still not bat an eyelid, his eyes firmly on the road.

"I use my gift to help," Merlin adds.

"And manipulate," Arthur retorts harshly, thus at least acknowledging loudly that he’s been listening.

"I can’t make you do or feel something that’s not in your heart, Arthur," Merlin says, his voice barely audible above the noise of the engine.

"I can’t put something there that’s completely alien to you."

"Right." Sarcasm is ringing in Arthur's voice. Then silence descends again.

Arthur's mind is on overload. He has heard the sincerity in Merlin's voice, but feels unable to act upon it. Never, in his whole life, has he had more intense feelings than throughout this last week. It is something he can’t identify with, something he has no experience with whatsoever. He is embarrassed to admit that he was scared earlier on. Scared because he let someone in. Scared because he doesn’t understand how that happened and what to do about it now. Scared because he wants that man next to him more than anyone in his life ever before.

He swallows hard and takes a deep breath. It is best to let all this go and get on with his normal life. Nothing has been 'normal' since he met Merlin. But he is good at control. That’s what he’s been taught from day one.

Thank God they have arrived at Merlin's flat. Arthur stops the car and waits.

Merlin knows that if he doesn’t do something now he will most likely never see Arthur again. That he will disappear out of his radius and that he’ll never get the chance to get to know him at least. And he wants to know Arthur, wants him in his life. More than anything else.

And even though he is riddled with insecurity about his debility and wrecked with nervousness he decides to act. Now. 'Desperate times call for desperate measures.' His mum used to say. And that is his last coherent thought before he turns to Arthur, who is looking at him and waiting for him to get out of the car.

He bends slightly forward and cups Arthur's face between his hands. Then he pulls the blonde slightly towards him, closes his eyes and brushes his lips against his. It is a ghost of a kiss and completely chaste, and yet, Arthur shudders.

Merlin's hands are still on Arthur's face, but Arthur hasn’t punched him or brushed him off which is more than he has hoped for. In fact the blonde hasn’t moved at all. It is almost as if he is frozen in time and space. Merlin stares at his gorgeous face and then goes down to ravish his beautiful mouth in the most sensuous way. He starts sucking softly on Arthur's bottom lip while nipping the tender skin gently with his teeth. Arthur tastes achingly sweet and the smell of his skin fills Merlin's senses.

When Merlin flicks tiny little kisses all over those oh so tempting lips a quiet moan rips out of Arthur's mouth at the tender treatment. Oh fuck. That is more than Merlin can bear. His cock has sprung to attention and is pushing hard against the fabric of his jeans.

Merlin slips his right hand behind Arthur's head and his fingers start rubbing the back of it. Arthur's head sinks backwards into the touch, his eyes closed and his lip slowly opening up. He looks mind-blowingly beautiful like that. Merlin senses the turmoil inside him, understands instinctively that while he’s confused by what he’s doing, he yearns for the touch of Merlin's lips at the same time.

"It is alright," Merlin whispers against Arthur’s mouth while his thumbs stroke gently over his tight jaws.

Careful not to break this magic moment Merlin tentatively places tiny tantalizing licks all over Arthur's opening lips to then run his tongue teasingly along the line of his mouth.

Arthur shivers and suddenly something snaps inside him. He groans more audibly and then grabs Merlin's jacket to pull him closer. He presses his lips on Merlin's and then there’s nothing but want and heat and passion.

And Merlin's gold is rejoicing inside him and it curls and swirls all the way round their heads in elation. The sensation is intense and glorious and shattering and reduces all their being to feeling just THAT.

Merlin pours all his feeling into the kiss and revels in the intimate touch. Arthur tastes so good, so overwhelming delicious. And the blonde's kiss is as hungry as his own now, as if he’s feasting on something he has been denied all his life.

When they finally need to part for air they both pause, still holding on to each other, vaguely acknowledging the rapid beating of their heart.

"Merlin." Arthur's voice is trembling, as he utters the one word, breathless and full of desire.

"God, Arthur," Merlin whispers, swallowing hard because this has by far exceeded anything he might have hoped for.

When he slowly draws away he finds Arthur searching his face. The blue eyes are blown wide in shock, betraying not only the desire that’s exploded inside him, but also giving away the uncertainty riddling him just now, the uncertainty how to fit his self-image to what he feels right, the uncertainty whether Merlin has in some way bewitched him.

Merlin moves forward again and runs his fingers tenderly through Arthur's hair.

"I swear I can’t make you feel something you don’t want to, Arthur. But only you can decide….." and his voice turns husky and tender, "Whether this is real or not" and at that he gets out of the car.

Just before he closes the car door he turns round, feeling the strong urge to say something nice. "I did have a good afternoon. Thanks."


	8. Enlightenment

Arthur sits in the car and stares at Merlin disappearing through the door of his block of flats. For a second he is gasping for breath and unable to move. The kiss was mind-blowing. It unleashed a storm of desire in him. With an intensity he has never experienced before with anyone else.

Merlin has left him flushed and raw with emotion, not to mention the highly respectable erection straining uncomfortably against his tight jeans. He presses hard on it in an attempt to relieve the tension. This is getting ridiculous. It is happening virtually every time he sees Merlin. It takes him a few minutes to compose himself and to calm his racing pulse. And another few to steady his trembling hands.

There can be no doubt at all what he feels for Merlin. He is drawn to him, attracted like a fly to the sun, an insect to a light bulb. But how real are these feelings?  Are they kindled by Merlin’s power and simply an unwanted gift? A devastating side effect to his therapy?

His common sense is on red alert. He can’t allow himself to just follow his gut instinct.  He needs to make sure this isn’t some kind of deception or a fluke of nature. And he knows that he needs answers and there’s only one man who can give them to him.

Gaius has kindly agreed to see him on Sunday morning. It is really beyond the call of duty. But Arthur sounded urgent and desperate on the phone and he wonders what on earth he could possibly want.

“How can I help you, Arthur?” he says with an expectant frown on his face after they have settled down on the comfy chairs in his living room.

Arthur hesitates, unsure how to start this. He doesn’t want to be blunt, but subtlety will most likely not get him anywhere.

“This is about Merlin,” he starts and takes a deep breath.

“Merlin?” Gaius raises his right eyebrow in surprise. “Aren’t you happy with his counselling?”

“It’s not that, Gaius.” Arthur swallows, talking the plunge. “He has told me about his …..gift.”

“He has …what?” Gaius says with apparent horror in his voice. Merlin has never been compelled to tell anyone about this before. Gaius has warned him many times that this could cause serious trouble. As far as he knows he never even told Edwin about this. But now he has revealed it to Arthur? Gaius searches Arthur’s face and notices the slight blush on his face and the tremble in his voice. He’s been a psychologist for long enough to recognize the signs. Oh dear. This is highly unexpected and, no doubt, it’s going to complicate things.

“What has he told you exactly?” Gaius enquires, making sure he doesn’t give away more than Merlin would like. 

Arthur gives a short account of it and then stops.

“Yes, and?” Gaius plays the waiting game, seeing what Arthur is actually after.

“Can you tell me if Merlin’s able to manipulate feelings with his power?” There, now Arthur’s said it.

Gaius smiles and nods to himself. That’s exactly what he expected.

“I’ve never known anyone like Merlin, Arthur,” he starts. “You know that… every creature alive exudes a life force, an energy that’s all around us. Some people are aware of it, others have no idea it even exists. Merlin is highly susceptible to this energy, in fact he’s like a live conductor for it. But that’s not all. What is really special is that he can dip into it and use it like no one else I know. By touch of hand he can channel it and direct it to another person.”

“And then he can manipulate that person?” Arthur presses the question out again.

“No, he can’t do that.” Gaius shakes his head with conviction. “When he shares the energy with another person it usually has the effect of relaxation and calm. And it opens a door to the soul, but he can’t force you to walk through that door. That’s completely up to you whether you do that or not. Merlin can neither create a feeling in your heart nor extract confessions you weren’t ready to make.”

Arthur stares at Gaius incredulously. Is he saying that at the bottom of his heart he wanted to tell Merlin all those things?

Gaius answers his question before he has asked.

“The wish to share something that’s usually hidden deep inside you is often totally unknown to your conscience. And when it happens it can cause shock and anger which is then redirected towards Merlin. People simply can’t understand why they give up so much of themselves, but they do it because they subconsciously want to let go of it.”

Arthur nods. That’s what must have happened to him.

“Does that help?” Gaius smiles at the young man who is sitting next to him enraptured in his little lecture.

“It does… a lot.” Arthur sighs. “I just can’t understand…”

Gaius puts his hand on Arthur to pacify him. “Whatever’s happened between the two of you Arthur, I’m not sure of, but there are two things I’d like you to know. Only very few people know about Merlin’s gift. He’s decided to share this with you, and I hope you to treat it with respect and confidentiality. And…” he pauses for a second. “I have known Merlin since he was a young boy. He is a gentle soul. One of the kindest men I’ve ever met. Even if he might appear a bit erratic and odd at times.” Gaius chuckles, but then gets serious again.

“He would never take advantage of someone else or use his power in an abusive way. I can assure you of that.”

Arthur nods and mumbles a quiet “Thank you.”

He gets up to go, but Gaius holds him back for a second.

“Merlin is like a son to me Arthur, I wouldn’t like to see him hurt.” And his eyes pierce through the blonde as if he can see through his heart.

Arthur visibly blushes and clears his throat before he answers. “I understand, Gaius,” he says, but Gaius knows that he doesn’t understand everything yet. But this is all he can do. It will be up to Merlin to reveal all his secrets to Arthur.

Arthur’s heart is thumping when he walks back to his car. Gaius has confirmed everything Merlin has told him. Which means that this overwhelming feeling inside him is genuine. That it comes from his heart. Not Merlin’s power.

“So does that mean I’m gay now?” he wonders, utterly bewildered.

On his way back to his apartment he promptly checks out every male passing him by.  He takes note of some tight arses and some well-defined chests. There’s also that fit brunette who winks at him in the lift. But none of this causes a stir in his pants or a flutter in his heart.

Which makes Arthur conclude at first instant that his feelings are for Merlin only, and do not in some way represent a complete change of his sexual orientation. Which in a strange way makes complete sense to him. Merlin is the exception in his life, the one person that doesn’t fit the mould and doesn’t comply with any of the rules that govern him.

God, what would Uther say to all this? Arthur smirks rebelliously. At this moment in time he doesn’t give a fuck. This is something he wants. For himself. And his father will have no say in it whatsoever. He has tried to please Uther for all his life. This time he is going to please himself.

By the time Arthur sits down for a lonely dinner in his apartment at Pendragon Inc. he has come to a very clear decision. He is going to go for this. However illogical it might be. However strange it might seem. He is ready to follow where his heart takes him and break out of the rigid regiment that his life is stifled by. And his heart is thumping in anticipation when he thinks of his meeting with Merlin the next day. He wonders what the other man is doing just then and he relives the moments when their lives touched.

And he might smile if he knew that Merlin has done nothing else but think about what has happened in the car. That his mind is going round in ever increasing circles.

Saturday confirmed to Merlin what he’s been trying to ignore. What he has been trying to push aside because his brain and common sense have demanded it. He is head over heels in love. It is as simple as that. Although he knows how crazy this is.  For either of them.

He spends most of Sunday dissecting his feelings and immersing himself in a major research project about Arthur. He googles every image and every article ever posted about him. He watches Arthur grow up from a little blue eyed boy to the man he is today. His life has been pretty much in the public eye after all.

From what he has seen and what he has experienced himself he concludes that Arthur has been living a lie for most of his life. Always playing the role of ‘Uther’s son rather than being Arthur. Always trying to pamper to his father’s wishes.

Merlin’s heart bleeds for him because he knows that Arthur is so much more. He has witnessed his kindness in his fight to save people’s jobs. Arthur will only be able to be truly happy if he allows himself to be who is, not who he thinks his father wants him to be, Merlin is sure of it, and he would love to help him to do that, if Arthur was willing to let him.

The memory of the kiss never leaves his mind for long. If he closes his eyes he can still feel Arthur’s lips on his and the memory of the stifled moan that escaped Arthur’s mouth before he crushed his lips on Merlin’s has a devastating effect on his cock every single time. He’s still in complete shock that Arthur did kiss him back.

Of course he isn’t a complete idiot assuming things. Arthur probably regretted it the next second. Was most likely taken by the surprise of it all. And wishes now it had never happened. There’s nothing Arthur can possibly see in him. Apart from maybe some kind of alternative distraction to his current problems. They aren’t compatible for so many reasons Merlin doesn’t even want to start thinking about it. Nothing can ever come of this. No matter how much he wishes for it.

Merlin is glad he was sensible enough to place the ball for the next move firmly into Arthur’s corner. He’s made blatantly clear how he feels – whether Arthur takes or leaves what he’s offered will remain to be seen. Merlin understands there’s an awful lot more at stake for Arthur than himself. Not only does he need to decide whether he can trust the origin of his newly found feelings but also accept that he’s attracted to a man. And he might well decide that following up on this is a step too far, one he does not want to take.

Well, Merlin thinks fatalistically, he will have to wait and see, and his insides clench at the thought of Arthur’s appointment with him tomorrow afternoon. But before that, he has to get through the meeting with Arthur’s lawyers which is scheduled for 11 o’clock the next day. 

Merlin is well on time for the lawyer’s meeting, and he stands in front of the huge iron gates fifteen minutes before he is due. He feels even more jittery now than he was this morning. The building resembles more a huge museum than a lawyer’s office.  To be honest, with its massive Greek columns and huge windows it is rather impressive and a tiny bit intimidating. No wonder he feels rather apprehensive.

Well, he knows that the accident was his fault. And he realizes that it’s his responsibility to deal with it. Of course Arthur’s perfectly within his rights to demand damages. His gut reaction of betrayal when he received the letter wasn’t really based on the subjective evaluation of this situation, but was an emotional and totally illogical response. Because of the way he feels about Arthur.

Merlin shakes his head to clear his mind a bit and enters the vast reception hall where a well groomed lady in her forties measures him critically over her spectacles.

“Good morning, Mr. Emrys,” she greets him politely as if she knows him and with a distinctive air of professionalism. “Mr. Monmouth is all ready for you.” And at that she buzzes his name through.

A rather senior gentleman of the distinguished kind opens one of the big wood panelled doors to welcome him as if he was a valued business partner.

“Would you come this way, Mr. Emrys.” He gestures him into the room behind him.

Merlin’s a bit awed at the efficiency and the grandeur of the whole place, but when he sits down at the big oak desk and sees a huge pile of paperwork on it his heart sinks a little. 

“Mr. Pendragon has informed me of the unfortunate incident last week.” Mr.Monmouth starts. Merlin doesn’t need to be told that his time to own up has come.

“It was really all my fault. And I’m very sorry for what happened,” he starts with the intention to explain Aithusa’s temperamental behaviour. Of course saying sorry will not get him out of this, but he means it and he wants to make that clear.

“Yes, I’m sure of that.” Mr. Monmouth measures him and then continues in well- practiced manner.

“Mr. Pendragon has explained everything to me. In fact he phoned this morning to ensure that this business would be conducted according to his wishes. “

So Arthur has actually spoken to his lawyer about him earlier today? Merlin’s guts clench in anticipation. 

“He has indicated that he has no interest in retrieving the costs for the repair of his car.”

What?  Merlin can’t believe what he is hearing. What on earth is the guy talking about? Why would Arthur do that? 

“And he would like to express his regrets at the damage your car received in the procedure.”

Mr. Monmouth is clearly more than baffled by the rather unprecedented instructions himself and just does as his employer has instructed.

“He indicated that he feels a gesture of good will is appropriate and that, to this effect, he’s going to cover the costs for the repair of your car. He has already arranged for it to be taken to an appointed garage this afternoon.”   

There must be a huge question mark on Merlin’s face because he is beyond baffled.  Arthur wants to pay for Aithusa’s repair? Merlin does not know what to say or how to react. He just stares at the old man opposite him in complete surprise. 

“There is one condition, however,” Mr.Monmouth concludes.

Ha! Here it comes. Merlin is sure that this is the bit where all this is going to fall part.

“You must produce written proof that you have taken up car insurance within two weeks.”

So Arthur is basically offering the money as long as he gets himself insured. Forcing him to do the sensible thing. In a kind of pushy, fatherly sort of way. As if he is looking after him in a kind, but firm way. Merlin feels a twinge in his heart. He isn’t used to being looked after like this. It causes a warm glow inside his chest and it seems to suggest that Arthur was not that pissed off about what happened on Saturday.

A huge smile starts spreading over his face. Damn. Why does he have quibbles about accepting this offer?

Mr. Monmouth seems to pick up on his uncertainty.

“Mr. Pendragon made clear that he wouldn’t accept a refusal, young man”

Merlin is still wrestling with his conscience. Arthur’s offer will certainly save him from having to tighten his belt like mad for the next few months. And he knows that getting himself insured really is the sensible thing to do. But it does not seem right to accept money for something he has done wrong.

“It speaks for you that you are hesitating.” Mr.Monmouth smiles at him now. “But if I may advise you, Mr.Emrys, there is no point in turning this offer down. Just accept it as a lucky windfall.” And when Merlin looks at him still unsure, he adds “Once Mr. Pendragon has decided on something like this, he will not go back on it.”

Finally Merlin gives in. From a financial point of view it would be crazy not to accept.

“That is very …. nice of Mr.Pendragon,” he mutters quietly and then signs all the papers, hands over his car keys, shakes Mr.Monmouth’s hand and leaves the office, still completely dumbfounded.

Merlin stands outside for a few moments trying to digest what’s just happened.

What Arthur has done is incredibly kind. But why did he do it? To help him out? Just because he’s blatantly a lot less well off? Out of some kind of social conscience?   Merlin doesn’t dare to think any further. To contemplate that Arthur might have done it because he likes him seems a huge step too far.

Still, as he has accepted, good manners dictate that the least he can do is to text Arthur. He tries to think what to say and finally decides one word will do.

@MerlinEm: Thanks.

A few moments later his phone pings with an answer.

@ ArthPen: No qualms about taking money from a pompous git, then? ;)

Merlin grins at the jibe. He knows he deserves the remark after the way he was slagging Arthur off for being wealthy on Saturday. Of course he didn’t really mean any of it, but rather used it as a defence weapon against his growing feelings for the man. 

He also wonders if Arthur understands that he’s just a tad embarrassed to take up his offer and that the cheeky banter is his way of trying to make him feel more at ease about it. Merlin’s lips are twitching with a smile when he answers.

@MerlinEm:  Ass. You just like showing off.

@ArthPen:  Idiot. C U at 6.

@MerlinEm:  C U.

Merlin rereads the whole conversation three times and suddenly a huge swarm of butterflies erupts in his stomach. Arthur‘s reaction is friendly and not in any way hostile or offended. So what does that mean? Either he has decided to delete the whole episode in the car from his memory completely or ….. he liked it and ….

Merlin stops his brain right there and then, but his hopeful heart refuses to stop bouncing up and down in sweet anticipation.

Arthur is his last appointment this afternoon and six o’clock can’t come soon enough. When the huge standing clock in his office chimes in at 18.00 hours Merlin jumps up and rushes out to reception.

“Any sign of Arthur, yet?” he asks as non-committal as he possibly can, but he can’t fool Gwen. He sees her shoulders rising in a sigh.

“No, but he hasn’t phoned that he won’t come, either,” she reassures Merlin.

She watches on as the young man fiddles with their brochures, walks up to the water dispenser, returns to the brochures, opens one, closes one, walks up to the water dispenser, returns to the brochures, picks up another one …..

“For goodness sake, Merlin. Just stop twitching and sit down,” Gwen tells him off.

When she notices the agitation in his face her heart melts a little. He looks so anxious. God, Arthur is definitely getting to him. If this is what it looks like, it can’t end well, not for Merlin anyway. But how can she blame Merlin for wanting someone in his life?

“I’ll buzz you when he arrives,” she says softly, and Merlin understands and returns to his office.

But the buzz doesn’t come and time is ticking away. Finally it is 7 p.m. and Merlin sits at his desk staring at the Pendragon file. What has happened? There has been no phone call, no text, absolutely nothing. Earlier this morning Arthur still maintained he would be there.

“Maybe everything today was just for show.” Merlin thinks, immediately drowning in his own insecurity.  “Maybe he just didn’t want to risk a discussion about not coming.  Maybe …and at that thought his stomach drops … the money for Aithusa was meant to pay me off and to shut me up about the kiss. Maybe all that kindness was just a means to get me out of his life.”

”Come on, Merlin!” Gwen calls softly from the door. “It is time to go home.”

An hour later Merlin sits on his sofa and reflects on his situation. He can’t blame Arthur. The man has obviously made his decision, and Merlin will have to live with it.  It would have been nice if he had been told face to face but Merlin knows from experience that people like to avoid difficult situations like this. Still, the way this is happening makes him feel like shit. 

Merlin keeps repeating bland wisdoms like:  Better now than later.”  or “It would have never worked anyway.” or “It is his loss”  all over in his head in the hope it might alleviate his pain. Much chance of that!  He isn’t sure whether to allow himself to grieve for something he didn’t actually have. All he knows is that he hurts.

What he will do is open that nice bottle of red a client gave him as a token of appreciation. He pours himself a big glass and sips the smooth red liquid while his brain keeps going round in circles. Before he knows it, most of the bottle is gone and the anguish inside him is a little bit less acute and more manageable, and a pleasant fuzz is wrapped around the ache in his heart.

Then the door bell goes. Merlin gets up and almost falls flat on his face because he is swaying like a sailor on a wind-swept boat. It is ridiculous what a bloody lightweight he is when it comes to alcohol. Of course downing a whole bottle of wine in such a short time doesn’t help either. Just now he couldn’t care less.

He staggers to the front door and opens it without even checking who is outside. He kind of freezes to the spot when he opens the door. It is Arthur.


	9. Boy finds boy

“What do you want?” Merlin slurs, still managing to sound appropriately hostile. And then adds completely incoherently, ”you’re late.”

Arthur just stares at him, a little confused. He’s been running up from the car park and is still slightly out of breath. Merlin’s tirade has taken the wind out of his sails. He was going to say so many things, but his mind is blank now.

“And hello to you, too,” he returns and scans Merlin’s pale face. It is blatantly obvious that Merlin is what they call ‘intoxicated’. This is turning out rather different from what he expected.

“I was in a closed board meeting with my father and could not get away. Father does not allow mobiles or any form of interruption in those,” Arthur explains softly in two simple sentences why he couldn’t make it earlier nor had a possibility to contact him.

Merlin mumbles something like “Could have ….message” and takes a step backwards not noticing his shoulder bag on the floor behind him. He starts losing balance and instinctively grabs Arthur’s arm to steady himself.

“Idiot,” Arthur mumbles to himself, but falls silent when he feels the connection between them as soon as Merlin touches him. Warmth and want sweep through him in an instant.  

He probably should be angry and annoyed, but how can he be when he just has admitted to himself how much he feels for this man. Okay, Merlin does look rather pathetic at this very moment.  But as Arthur scans his face, it is almost comical how much put out he seems to be.

“Why you here?” Merlin is trying to be comprehensible, but fails miserably.

“I think you need your bed.” Arthur avoids an answer, suggesting the most sensible thing. He takes Merlin’s hand gently and pulls him towards the living room.

“Where is your bedroom?” Arthur asks and, despite not being compo mentis at all, Merlin throws him a look.

“Well, never mind,” Arthur mutters when there’s no answer. Merlin seems to be content just standing there and staring at him as if he is trying to figure out where he has met him before.

It is not exactly difficult to locate the bedroom and a minute later Merlin has dropped on his bed in complete oblivion of Arthur’s presence and snores loudly.

Arthur stands there beside him and studies him carefully. Even in this state Merlin is totally gorgeous. He is the most beautiful man he has ever met. Actually, he is the only man he has ever called ‘beautiful’. His face is so expressive and can display a range of emotions in just one look. Arthur loves how sensitive and intuitive he is. Is awed by the way he can interpret feelings. Which is something he is total crap at. 

Arthur glances over the long lashes and thinks of the intensely blue eyes underneath them that are pulling him in like a magnet when they fix on him. He grins tenderly when his gaze wanders along Merlin’s ears and wonders how often he got teased for their size when he was younger. They’re certainly one of Merlin’s stand-out features and Arthur finds them ultimately endearing. But nothing, absolutely nothing goes past that mouth, those brilliant lips whose warmth and taste he can still recall. His tingling fingertips find Merlin’s mouth and he runs his thumb over that luscious bottom lip. 

And then he sits next to Merlin for a little while just watching him, making sure he is alright, until he can’t contain himself any longer. He picks up Merlin’s hand gently and presses his lips on it, just to try what it feels like. And he strokes a lock of hair away from Merlin’s face, to then follow the line of his cheekbones. Those killer cheekbones are what he noticed first about Merlin. Nobody should be allowed to have weapons like that on their face. This is when he kind of comes to.

“What are you doing, you creepy stalker,” he chides himself off and shakes his head to compose himself, then covers Merlin up with a blanket and quietly sneaks out of the room, leaving the bedroom door ajar so he can keep a check on him.

Merlin’s flat is small and cosy, full of personal pictures and posters and memorabilia. God, and it is covered with books and papers everywhere. But there is an intimacy about it that lacks all the places Arthur has ever lived in.  

There is a picture of Merlin and an older lady on the mantelpiece – most likely his mum.  She looks kind and smiles at Merlin brightly. But Arthur detects some seriousness in her eyes, too. He’is sure of it. And wonders where that comes from.

It suddenly strikes Arthur that he hardly knows anything about Merlin. While Merlin has visited the depth of his soul and heard his most private thoughts, he doesn’t even know how old he is.

Merlin. Arthur sighs and settles on the sofa, flicking on some background TV while his mind strays back over his day.

It had been really out of his hands that his father called an emergency board meeting about Stratton on this afternoon. Uther was furious that Arthur had not started proceedings for a closure as he’d demanded. Of course Arthur had been really too busy on Sunday dealing with his feelings and finding out about Merlin, but he had also decided to stand his grounds with this one. Because he felt really strongly about it.

It seemed that this newly found, exciting emotion inside him gave him the strength to stand up against Uther. To do something different. And when he presented his case, the board had agreed with him that Pendragon Inc. should have a go at saving the factory. It had been a triumph for him, but it had made him miss his appointment with Merlin.

That is why he came here. He needed to see Merlin. And then found him totally plastered. Arthur wonders what exactly made Merlin finish that whole bottle of wine.  Merlin doesn’t seem the type to find solace in alcohol. One thing is for sure, there’s no way he can leave him alone tonight. Merlin is a total goner and anything could happen. 

So Arthur settles on the sofa and pulls the woolly blanket lying on the sofa chair over him. It smells vaguely of Merlin and it is nice and cosy to be surrounded by his scent.  And incredibly calming. Arthur falls asleep in seconds.

He wakes by the rattling of pans and the smell of coffee. An automatic glance at his watch confirms what his instinct tells him. He is late. It is 8 o’clock and he should have been at the office at least half an hour ago. He jolts up to face a freshly showered and dressed Merlin.

“Good morning.” Merlin has a rather sheepish grin on his face. 

“Thanks for staying,” he squeezes out, not quite sure where to put his eyes in embarrassment. “Did you sleep okay?”

Arthur realizes in astonishment that he’s actually not slept that well in ages. “Great. So, how are you doing?” he asks. “You’re not feeling sick?”

“Tend not to. Even if I drink over my limit,” Merlin explains.

“You certainly did that last night,” Arthur retorts sarcastically.

Merlin blushes and nods in agreement. “It doesn’t take a lot to put me out.” 

“Why did you do it then?” Arthur enquires, genuinely interested.

Merlin bites his bottom lips and Arthur can’t help but stare. But it does not take away from the sense that Merlin isn’t quite ready to answer this question.

And he does not. Instead he says. “Fancy some breakfast?”

The smells from the kitchen are heavenly and Arthur nods.

“Just need to phone the office quickly,” he says and quickly informs his secretary that he will be late today. He is never late. He can almost hear her raising her eyebrows in surprise.

“Help yourself to pants,” Merlin says pointing in the direction of a chest of drawers and the tips of his ears turn red. The thought of Arthur wearing his pants is just a tiny bit too much to deal with first thing in the morning. “And there is a spare toothbrush in the cupboard in the bathroom.”

Arthur gets washed and tidied up and then sits down at the small table in the kitchen.

Merlin looks at Arthur and can’t believe he’s really here. In his flat. Sitting down to have breakfast with him as if it was the most natural thing in the world. When he woke up he thought that he had dreamt that Arthur had arrived last night. That wishful thinking had gifted him a pleasant dream. The shock of finding Arthur lying on his sofa fast asleep had been electrifying. The thought that he had come to see him leaves a warm glow in his heart. And Arthur stayed overnight. For him. Because there is no other explanation. Can he fall even more in love? The butterflies in his  stomach are going mental.

Arthur has shown yet again what a kind and generous person he is and Merlin really wants to show his appreciation. So he’s cooked breakfast, and he serves bacon and eggs and beans and has made some fresh pancakes and coffee. It is simple fare, but expertly cooked and very tasty.

“Mmm. This .. nice” Arthur compliments him between munching on a bit of toast.

“Thanks.” Merlin blushes in delight. They eat in companionable silence, but finally Arthur looks up to search Merlin’s eyes.

“Why did you drink all that wine?” he asks again, not being able to let the question go.

There is no judgment in Arthur’s voice and Merlin decides that nothing but the truth will do. 

“You didn’t come to your appointment. There was no message why. There was no attempt to contact me. I thought ….” He stumbles over his own words as he attempts his explanation. Merlin stops while his ears are turning a darker shade of crimson and his Adam’s apple is bobbing up and down nervously.

“You thought you’d seen the last of me?” Arthur states when he realizes where this is heading.

Merlin nods and his eyes flicker between his cup of coffee and Arthur’s face.

“Well, what else could I think?” He mumbles, unsure of everything. “After Saturday.”

“I could have been in an accident, you know. My car could have broken down. I could think of tons of other scenarios, Merlin, why I couldn’t be there yesterday.” Arthur sounds a tiny bit exasperated.

Merlin blushes at the comment. Of course Arthur is right. These possibilities simply never occurred to him. Because his mind is clouded by insecurity and this overwhelming feeling for the man sitting opposite him and this kind of makes his brain work only one way.

“It’s just ... the situation wasn’t very clear when I left you last time,” he adds a little more assured. And now their eyes lock.

“No, it wasn’t… then,” Arthur mutters hoarsely, before he lets the cat out of the bag. “I went to see Gaius.”

Merlin’s head pops up and his eyes widen.

“He clarified things for me,… the gift you have,“ Arthur continues. “And what you can do with it.” He clears his throat as he continues, “…..and what you can’t.”

Merlin can hardly make out his words because his heart is drumming so loud.

“Merlin,” Arthur whispers and it sounds like a revelation. He gets up and is next to Merlin in a jiffy. “I really want to….”

At that he takes a step forward, right into Merlin’s personal space, grabs hold of his face and crushes his lips onto Merlin’s. Merlin drops the fork he is holding in surprise and freezes in time and space for a split second. He’s pretty sure his heart has stopped beating, too. And then he kisses Arthur back with fervour and passion.  

His gold is sweeping through him in elation and joins the rush of heat that races through his body while there’s only one thought in his mind. Arthur. Arthur. He is here and he wants him. For that moment in time everything else fades into insignificance.

Arthur tastes every bit as good as he remembers, just with a hint of sweet pancakes and coffee. Their lips move hard against each other, both completely enraptured by the feel and taste and passion of the other. Merlin sobs helplessly into the kiss as the intensity of it sends shockwaves of want and need through his body. He licks Arthur’s mouth open impatiently and their tongues entwine in a glorious dance of pushing and curling. His hand finds its way into Arthur’s blond hair, and he wantonly grabs and pulls it until Arthur groans.

“Merlin,” Arthur breathes huskily and then his hand glides round Merlin’s long neck. All he can think is how right and bloody good this feels, and he wants more, so much more. He lets out  stifled moan as he pulls Merlin into another kiss, and this time it is rough and filthy and oh so different from kissing a girl. Merlin’s lips are soft and yet so firm and demanding. They take hold of him and own him and they make him shiver with desire.

When they stop for air Arthur leans his forehead against Merlin’s.

“Can you always feel what’s going on inside people when you touch them? Every single time?” he asks curiously.

“Not all the time,” Merlin answers, getting lost in the blue of Arthur’s eyes. “Sometimes it is very vague and fuzzy, other times as clear as a bell.”

“Can you ever stop it?” Arthur wants to know next because he can’t imagine what it would be like to be invaded by an array of feelings every time you come into contact with another person.

“If I really concentrate I can blank the sensation away or push it away from my mind,” Merlin explains. “But that can be difficult at times.”

“Do you ever wish it wasn’t there, you know, the power?” Arthur looks at him questioningly.

Merlin hesitates. “I don’t know it any other way, Arthur. I was born like this. The empathy has always been there. I have no idea what it’s like not to feel.”

 _Just exactly the opposite from me,_ Arthur thinks and looks at Merlin in wonderment, and then he reaches out with the intent to embrace him.

Merlin reacts quicker than a shot. He catches Arthur right hand in his own and leads it to his arse while he clasps the left and lifts it to his lips, the two arms creating an air pocket between their bodies. Arthur lifts his eye-brows, startled by surprise for a split second, but this is immediately forgotten when Merlin bends forward and searches his mouth again.

When they eventually part Merlin strokes gently over Arthur’s jawline, then trails his thumb over his bottom lip. “You are incredible,” he mumbles in awe as he presses a gentle kiss onto Arthur’s mouth.

Arthur just inhales the sight of Merlin’s dishevelled state. His cheeks are tinged in a hue of pink and his breathing has quickened, but it’s his lips that really do Arthur in.  They’re full and red and glistening, waiting half-open to be ravished again.

“God, you are gorgeous,” Arthur whispers into Merlin’s ear, and Merlin shivers when he hears the words. He finds it hard to believe they are directed at him. Will Arthur still think that, once he tells him everything? Once he realizes how damaged he is? 

Merlin is fully aware that he won’t be able to put this off for very long. He can do only so such much about avoiding having his chest and back touched. Like he did just a minute ago. But that’s not something that can work, not even in the short run. Merlin knows, but is afraid what will happen when he reveals all. But of course keeping this any longer from Arthur would be utterly unfair. Because Arthur needs to know what he lets himself in for, if they want to be together. And he can only do that if he is has all the information necessary.

Merlin just wants to hold onto this moment of sheer happiness now and revel in the bliss of happiness spreading through his soul, even if it’s just for the shortest of time.

“That was very kind of you,” he mutters between little kisses all over Arthur’s jaw.

“What? Kissing you?” Arthur pulls back and grins. 

Merlin chuckles, realizing his comment was not exactly comprehensible.

“I mean your offer to pay for Aithusa.” He blushes yet again, still not convinced he did the right thing about accepting. “Why did you do it?” he asks.

“I just wanted to help.” Arthur smiles in the full knowledge that he is repeating the exact words Merlin had used in the stables.

Merlin still hesitates. “You really sure this is okay?” He feels like he is taking advantage of Arthur.

Arthur gives him an exasperated look. “I wouldn’t have suggested it otherwise.”

“It was my fault,” Merlin states and “I feel awful about accepting your money.”

“Merlin. Stop being an idiot. My insurance will cover this without blinking an eyelid. It will not cost me anything personally. And it does help you, doesn’t it?” 

“I don’t want you to think I’m out for your money or anything,” Merlin mumbles, his cheeks rosy from embarrassment.

Arthur laughs out loud at this. “Oh, now you are a complete imbecile.” He shakes his head in disbelief, but there’s a note of tenderness in there, too.

“Thanks and thanks for last night,” Merlin mumbles, choked with emotion and from feeling incredibly special because Arthur is looking out for him.

Arthur replies in kind and brushes his lips over Merlin’s cheekbones and pulls Merlin in again. Automatically Merlin’s hand pops up in front of his chest. And this time Arthur notices. And Merlin notices that Arthur has noticed.

There is something like a pregnant pause and a huge question mark hanging over Arthur’s head.

Merlin immediately knows that this is it – the moment of truth. It wouldn’t be fair on Arthur to keep this from him any longer. Before he commits himself even further. He needs to give Arthur the chance to make a choice, even if it comes a tiny bit late. 

“Merlin?” Arthur feels the change in atmosphere, sees a big shadow descending on Merlin’s face. Merlin looks decidedly pain-stricken now, and his eyes are flickering nervously between Arthur’s face and the coffee mug in front of him.

“There’s something about me you need to know.” Merlin’s voice is strangled and shaky. “Before this…” and he waves his hands between the two of them “…goes any further.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say a BIG thank you to all you faithful readers who are following my story!  
> And I wanted to wish you all MERRY CHRISTMAS!  
> The next instalment will be posted as usual next Friday!  
> All the best to everyone! :)


	10. Moment of Truth

Arthur swallows hard. If he goes by the look on Merlin’s face, whatever is going to come next cannot be good. Dread settles in his stomach and he unintentionally holds his breath. He fleetingly wonders if maybe Merlin has some kind of deadly or contagious disease.

Merlin is struggling to speak, and when he finally lifts his eyes to face Arthur there is anguish written all over it. For Merlin this is the crunch point, where everything that has barely started can end. It has come far too soon. Merlin would have liked to hold onto that exhilarating feeling of happiness a little bit longer. But there’s no way he wants to deceive Arthur about what he would be letting himself in for. He understands that this man opposite him has already put his whole self on the line for him.

“I have haphephobia,” he says in a shaky voice, and when Arthur looks at him questioningly, he adds: “Fear of being touched.” And then Merlin goes on to describe his condition factually. He sighs heavily once he’s finished and his head sinks to his chest as he waits for Arthur’s verdict.

There is silence to start with and then Arthur recapitulates. “Right, so if I get this correctly, it means you can’t be touched on your chest and your back.”

Merlin just nods.

“At all?” Arthur wonders with a little quiver in his voice.

Merlin shakes his head in silence, while panic is rising steadily in his chest.

“I assume that explains what happened at your office?” It is a statement rather than a question and Merlin nods again. He doesn’t realize he is visibly shaking now.

“And that reaction can happen any time when someone touches you there?”

Merlin manages a strangled affirmative noise.

“Fuck, Merlin.” Arthur sits down on the chair behind him and goes all silent, trying to process the news. This means he can’t touch Merlin properly, not in a way most people do. He is obviously okay with kissing, which is some kind of relief, but as for the rest… It is difficult to imagine how this would work out on a daily basis if they wanted to be together. He loves touching. Always has.

This whole thing with Merlin seems to become more complicated by the second. And a tiny part inside him tells him that he should quit this now. No doubt, it would be the most sensible thing to do. He knows that he’s taking an incredible risk with following his feelings. He is in fact putting his position in society on the line, not to mention that he is still married and that his father will probably try to disinherit him if he finds out. It would be the perfect scandal for the tabloid press. Shit, they would really go to town with a story like that. Arthur Pendragon in gay relationship! He can see the headlines already.

And this latest revelation … does not exactly make things easier. How can you have a proper relationship with a person you can’t hug, can’t cuddle or hold close. His heart aches at the thought. Because that’s something he has always missed and always wanted badly.

“I’m so sorry, Arthur,” Merlin pushes, his face panic-struck and riddled with guilt. He has seen the tightening of Arthur’s jaw muscles and noticed how his eyes have darkened. Furthermore he can sense how he’s suddenly withdrawn. Merlin shakes his head in defeat. He doesn’t want to hear the devastating words he expects, so he offers Arthur an easy get-away clause.

“I know I should have mentioned this much sooner,” he says, swallowing hard. “And I fully understand if you don’t want to deal with this.”

Merlin hesitates before he adds hoarsely, “I should have never started this…before you had a chance to say no.” And at that he is shaking his head again, and turns round because he can’t bear to look at Arthur any longer. It’s also much easier to hide the tears welling up in his eyes.

Arthur hears the words and weighs them up in his mind. Would it have made a difference if Merlin had told him sooner? They had been drawn to each other right from day one. Felt a pull towards each other whenever they met. It has always been as if they were meant to be. Would he have said no to this, if he’d known before he really got involved? Arthur isn’t sure, can’t be sure, but, the way he sees it, this isn’t something relevant now.

Because he is damn well in love. And he can’t switch this feeling off now, just because Merlin turns out to be even more different than he thought.

Arthur walks up to Merlin, grabs his shoulders and slowly turns him round so Merlin’s facing him. What he sees is like a stab in his heart. Merlin’s hands are clenched into fists and his body is shaking from the effort of keeping calm. His lips are pressed together in a thin line and he has paled even further. All in all he looks utterly devastated.

Suddenly it is almost as if he can feel Merlin’s pain and he understands how much it has cost Merlin to tell him and that he expects to be rejected.

And then Arthur takes the next step and puts himself into Merlin’s shoes. He can’t even start to imagine how this feels for Merlin. He doesn’t know for how long Merlin has been like this but it must hellish not to be able to hold or embrace another living person. It is what makes you feel warm and cherished. And loved. He understands that more than many other people. Not to have that at all must be a nightmare, he should know, and it must make Merlin very lonely, just like him.

Still, Merlin has just made clear that he won’t hold it against him if he takes a sharp exit now.

“You want me to give up on you, now that I’ve just found you?” Arthur asks quietly.

Merlin lets out a voiceless sob. “I don’t want you to feel obliged to stay.”

“Fuck, Merlin. You think I’m that shallow?” Arthur has made his decision. He hasn’t been brought up to give up easily. He has been taught to fight for the things he wants. And he wants this. Wants Merlin. He is not going to throw in the towel at the first hurdle. Any hurdle in fact.

And with those words Arthur grabs Merlin’s hand to brush his lips gently over it. They stand for a second, quietly, facing and measuring each other.

“Show me,” Arthur finally says and he sounds so determined, almost bossy, actually. “Show me what I can and can’t do.”

Merlin tightens his hand around Arthur’s, stunned by complete disbelief. Arthur seems to be willing to take a chance with him. Merlin searches his face, looking for any signs he might change his mind any second, but Arthur just stands there waiting expectantly what Merlin’s going to say. At this moment Arthur feels very much like his shining knight in armour who has turned up at the right time to save him from the curse that’s been destroying him slowly.

There is a moment of awkwardness  before Merlin starts to unbutton his shirt hesitantly. When he’s done, he slides it off and puts in on the chair next to him. He is wearing a white neat T-shirt underneath. When Arthur motions to pull it off, he quietly shakes his head. Showing Arthur his scars is one step too much for him at this time. He simply can’t. Having to explain what happened. He still feels the humiliation of the abuse and the embarrassment for the way he looks now. He feels so damaged because of it. Of course the time will come to tell. But he can only take one step at a time.

Then Merlin takes Arthur’s hand and draws a line across his collarbones.

“You can touch everything above,” Merlin whispers. Then he does the same across his hipbones. “Anything below.” And he gives Arthur a coy look when he says it.

“Shoulders are okay most times and legs, too,” Merlin sums up and wonders how Arthur will react.

“We will try to work this out together,” Arthur says and puts his right hand on Merlin’s cheek. Surely there are ways they can get round this problem of Merlin’s. Surely there are doctors that can help. Treatments that are successful. He has got the means, there must be something he can do. And he wipes the dampness on Merlin’s cheek away.

Merlin wants to believe him so much, he doesn’t want to think any further than this moment in time, and so he nods and manages a tiny smile.

“Arthur.” It comes out as a croak. “This won’t be easy.”

“Nothing ever is,” Arthur replies and he smiles fondly.

Merlin is so overwhelmed by the sheer relief and happiness spreading inside him that he is strangely unsure what to do next. But Arthur is taking charge now.

“So it is okay here and here?” Arthur mumbles placing a slow, knee weakening kiss on Merlin’s neck and then another one on the soft spot behind his ears. Merlin gasps as a hot flush of want rushes through him.

“Okay there?” Arthur continues his trails of kisses across his chin and up his ears.

Merlin shudders. His ears are definitely, definitely one of his most erogenous zones. Arthur nips along the outer shell of his right ear which sends a shiver of want through his body immediately, leaving an array of goose bumps behind. The sensation caused by Arthur’s sharp little bites sets him ablaze with a needy desire that goes straight to his cock.

“Mmmh. You like your ears being touched,” Arthur mumbles huskily, and he grins mischievously while he draws his attentions to the other one.

“Need to sit down,” Merlin pushes out a second later. It is no wonder his knees have turned to jelly, so standing is simply no longer an option. He sinks onto a chair while Arthur’s hands travel to his shoulders, lightly stroking and running his fingertips all over his neck and the tender hollows above his collar bones.

Merlin is tingling as a whole now and his gold is starting to react like a wild animal. His aching cock is pressed hard against the tight confines of his jeans and the urge for more friction and Arthur is growing more urgent by the second.

“Arthur. I need to…” he groans and impatiently opens a few buttons of Arthur’s shirt so he can slip his hands underneath it. He is desperate to touch and when he does Arthur hitches his breath. It’s as if Merlin’s hands are alive with electricity and every tiny touch is magnified a thousand fold. It’s like being on fire with arousal and want.

And then Merlin pulls him down onto his lap, bucking his hips against Arthur’s, while drawing his head in so their lips can meet yet again. Arthur takes note how Merlin manages to maintain a safe distance between their chests. But there is no point dwelling on the thought because the taste of Merlin’s mouth and the feel of his hard length pressing against him almost undo him there and then.

He moans loudly, but with it, a sigh of frustration escapes him. He slowly pulls back and his forehead drops against Merlin’s.

“Shit. I can’t stay just now…,” he whispers unwillingly and searches Merlin’s face for his reaction.

“We don’t need to rush this,” Merlin replies with a tender smile as he cups Arthur’s face gently before he places a warm kiss on his lips.

“I know you have to go.” And at that they entangle slowly and reluctantly. “You want to come back later?” Merlin throws Arthur a cheeky grin. “To deal with unfinished business?”

Arthur groans. “Someone try to keep me,” he mutters while he gets himself into a decent state. “I’ll let you know when I can get away from the office,” he says into Merlin’s ear when he is brushing his lips against Merlin’s cheek.

And then he is out of the door swiftly, almost in a hurry, partly because he really should have been at the office ages ago and partly because he isn’t sure he will be able to keep his hands off Merlin if he stays any minute longer.

Merlin is standing in the hall staring at the closing door and tries to comprehend what has happened. He can still smell Arthur’s scent on his skin and taste his mouth on his lips. But he can hardly believe that all this was real. Arthur accepting him despite his debility. Accepting that he is different. Wanting him just as much as he longs for him.

Evening can’t come soon enough. Merlin hasn’t been required at Rapport today, so he’s had enough time to prepare for this. A bit of cleaning was overdue anyway and cooking has never been a chore. He has always enjoyed it and has gone out of his way to make a special meal. The table is set beautifully in chocolate brown and silver and Merlin is just lighting a candle when the bell goes.

His heart thumps when he opens the door.

“Hi,” Arthur says with a lopsided grin, but he looks dead beat.

Merlin pulls him inside the flat and then leans into him for a kiss. And Arthur returns it hungrily. God, he could get used to this.

“You look exhausted,” Merlin mumbles when they come apart.

“Heavy day,” Arthur replies thinking back to the acid discussion he had with Uther about Stratton earlier.

“Want to talk about it?” Merlin offers and puts his hand on Arthur’s arm.

“Hmmm.” Arthur doesn’t want to spoil this moment with talk of Uther, but he is still totally uptight about it. He searches Merlin’s eyes realizing it is most unlikely that he can fool the man opposite him.

“I don’t want to ruin this,” Arthur says with a furrow on his brow.

“Now YOU are an imbecile,” Merlin grins. “Come here.”

“Have you got anything comfy to wear with you?” Merlin asks and when Arthur nods, he simply says, “Go and get changed and I’ll see you in a minute.”

Five minutes later Arthur sits on the soft sofa-chair wearing grey jogging pants and a short sleeved black T-shirt. It hugs every little muscle on his chest and shows off his trained physique to his advantage. Merlin has trouble tearing his eyes away, but this isn’t what he is here for at the moment.

“Shall I help you to relax?” Merlin asks and Arthur understands what the question entails. “Do your magic, Merlin,” he answers and grins when he sees the other blushing. Merlin does blush a lot - he has noticed and he finds it rather endearing.

Merlin puts his hands on Arthur’s shoulders and he can feel the gold flowing into him instantly.

“Ahhhh,” Arthur sighs in relief as his muscles untangle and his mind stops turning over and over again.

And then, just like before, he suddenly feels keen to talk. About Stratton and how annoyed his father is at him for pushing this through at the board against his will. How Uther tries to throw one obstacle after the other into his way to make it impossible to save the factory. How he had to fight all afternoon to get things sorted and Uther neutralized.

And as he pours his heart out he suddenly understands what Gaius meant. About walking through the door into his soul. Merlin simply enables him to open up and to vocalize his feelings, but it is him who is in the driving seat when it comes to giving up what’s going on inside him. And he is grateful that Merlin allows him to do that. No it’s more than grateful. He’s awed by the power Merlin possesses.

Finally Arthur stops and leans back with a huge sigh. He suddenly feels so mellow and relaxed and calm and cared for. He raises his hand to put it on Merlin’s that is still resting on his shoulder.

“This really is like magic.” Arthur squeezes Merlin’s hand. “And so bloody good.”

And then he gets up slowly to turn round to Merlin who’s watching him intently.

“You saved all those jobs.” He beams at Arthur. “And the livelihood of so many people. You’re absolutely amazing.”

Arthur’s heart misses a beat at the praise. This isn’t something he’s used to. Someone applauding his actions. Someone taking a real interest in what he does. Someone who appreciates him, Arthur, as a person. And then his stomach grumbles.

“Something smells really good here, Merlin,” he changes the subject.

Merlin’s face splits into a devastating smile. “Come on, let’s eat.”

 

Arthur is stunned when he is placed at a table fit for a posh restaurant. Merlin pours some red wine and lifts his glass at Arthur.

“Just enjoy your meal,” he says. Arthur’s jaw drops when Merlin serves his scallops and black pudding starter.

“This is incredible,” he says at his first bite. He has always enjoyed eating good food and certainly appreciates the effort. And Merlin’s cooking IS excellent.

“Stuffed breast of chicken wrapped in Parma ham with sauted potatoes and green leaves.” Merlin is quite chuffed when he sees Arthur devouring the main course with his eyes first and then doesn’t say another word for about five minutes while he savours every mouthful of food.

It isn’t only that the meal is absolutely delicious. To enjoy the domesticity of eating homemade food in a laid back atmosphere is something he’s never experienced before like this. It was always big dinner halls and formality. But this is cosy and homely and there’s the strong sense that he belongs here. In this flat. With Merlin. And for the first time in his life he feels totally at ease with himself. With who he is and what he does. And it’s all because of Merlin.

“Are you okay?” Merlin asks, having noticed that Arthur has stopped eating and staring at his napkin.

“Very okay,” Arthur replies hoarsely. “This was fantastic. Thank you.”

“Pleased you enjoyed it.” Merlin beams at him like a school-boy who’s been told he’s done well. Who would have thought this could make his heart flutter so hard it almost takes his breath away?

“Dessert?” Merlin grins at him, his eyebrows raised.

Arthur gets up to put some dishes into the sink. When he turns round he pulls Merlin in by his wrist. “I could think of something.” He says huskily as he searches Merlin’s mouth.

They both have waited so long for this, and when their lips meet their kiss becomes urgent immediately. Arthur pushes Merlin against the worktop holding onto his shoulders and presses his hips hard against Merlin’s, while his tongue is plunging into Merlin’s mouth. Merlin stifles a moan when he grabs Arthur’s hips and grinds against them desperate for some much needed friction. This is so overwhelmingly good, so achingly hot, his cock is twitching in acute anticipation. Feeling Arthur’s arousal against his lets desire flare in his chest, and he grabs the blonde by the hand.

“Come on…” he whispers and finds Arthur’s mouth again. And then they are making their way to the bedroom, never letting go of each other while grappling at buttons and shirts, virtually tearing off jeans and jogging pants, and leaving a trail of clothes behind them on the floor.

When they finally end up front of the bed there is a sudden pause. Merlin senses Arthur’s hesitation.

“Alright?” Merlin gently lifts his hand to cup his face.

“Merlin….” Arthur’s is very quiet. “You know, I’e never ….”

Merlin places a soft kiss in the corner of Arthur’s mouth. “Just trust your instincts,” he reassures him. “And I’ll be there to look after you.” He smiles tenderly while he runs his fingers through Arthur’s hair.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” Merlin whispers into Arthur’s ear while his hands are starting to move over his chest, lightly skimming over the smooth skin. They are very close now. Close enough for Arthur to feel the heat of Merlin’s body, but far enough for Merlin not to have his chest touched.

“I want you.” Arthur’s eyes are dark and full of desire. Merlin crushes his lips on Arthur’s again, licking and biting, while his hands are exploring every inch of Arthur’s chest impatiently.

And Arthur relaxes and sighs. He feels safe with Merlin and trusts him with his body and his mind. He leans into the touch that sends little spikes of want through every fibre of his body right down to his cock, rock solid and desperate for relief already. Merlin pulls Arthur’s pants off slowly, followed by his own. The only thing Merlin’s wearing now is the white T-shirt.

For a moment they stand and stare at each other in amazement.

“You are the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen,” Merlin croaks, as his eyes wander over Arthur’s finely-toned chest, his refined muscles and his strong shoulders leading to that fucking edible neck. It leaves Merlin breathless enough, but his heart virtually stops when his gaze gets caught by that fabulous cock bobbing invitingly in front of his hips. It is flushed and hot and soaked with precome. It’s near impossible to take his eyes off again.

Arthur’s eyes have settled on Merlin too, taking in his long limbs and his legs. God. He just looks incredible, and for just a second Arthur wishes that bloody T-shirt away, so he can see all of Merlin. All he wants is to get close, but he isn’t quite sure how, without touching Merlin’s chest and back.

But Merlin is already guiding him towards the bed and Arthur complies more than willingly, spreading himself readily on the sheets under Merlin.

A thrill races through Arthur like wildfire, an urgency he needs to satisfy and his breath hitches when Merlin straddles him, undulating his hips passionately against his hard length. Merlin is leaning as low over him as he can, resting on his elbows next to Arthur’s body. His lips brush his collarbone and Arthur moans softly trail hot when Merlin trails sweet little wet kisses over his heated skin, while his hands are threading through the soft blonde curls on Arthur’s chest.

Merlin slowly moves south, making sure every bit of bare flesh is covered by a touch or a lick. His tongue circles Arthur’s nipples and his teeth nip and bite them until Arthur groans in agony. His hips are bucking helplessly into Merlin seeking some relief from the tension building up inside him.

“Just touch me, Merlin,” Arthur pushes out, his voice deep and throaty. This is getting too much. He can’t stand waiting any longer. He needs to be touched. Now.

Merlin chuckles quietly at Arthur’s urgency. “Not yet. Arthur. Not yet.” And then he shifts a little, spreads Arthur’s legs and settles between them. He revels at the sight of the beautiful man offering himself underneath him, his eyes dark with wanton and his fists clenched at his sides in sweet anguish.

Merlin’s cock twitches violently at the sight as he draws silvery threads of precome over Arthur’s stomach. Merlin bends over and follows their pattern with his tongue licking and prodding at the soft skin. He can feel Arthur tensing under him when he follows his happy trail and stop short before his cock.

“Please.” Arthur is panting breathily now, hardly able to utter the one word, awash with intense arousal and anticipation. But Merlin moves past his cock and starts cherishing his balls instead, sucking the hairy flesh, kneading it with his lips, biting it just soft enough not to hurt and hard enough to send Arthur into a wild frenzy.

Then Merlin finally gives into Arthur’s wishes and when his hand grabs Arthur’s shaft firmly, the blonde takes a sharp intake of breath. A tidal wave of pleasure rolls over him. He is unable to stifle his moans any longer because he is more than ready, more than aroused and the thought of Merlin doing that to him is almost enough to send him over the edge. His cock is slick with arousal and Merlin makes most of it, dragging his thumb over the head, massaging it in circles and then slowly sliding his hand up and down, while his tongue continues to caress his balls.

“I won’t last much longer,” Arthur gasps and shivers in disappointment when Merlin lets go of him. But a second later he feels the warmth of Merlin’s mouth wrapped around his aching sensitive cock, and he cries out at the intense sensation swarming in all directions. Merlin takes him in deep, as deep as he possibly can, and then his lips hollow and he sucks and pulls, while his eager tongue flicks and licks at the smooth hot flesh.

He is driving Arthur nearly out of his mind as he mercilessly works him and Arthur locks his fingers in Merlin’s hair needing to hold onto something to keep him sane.

When Arthur looks down on Merlin, the view of his gorgeous lips working their way up and down his length and his cheeks hollowing with every suck is all he needs to fall apart. He gasps Merlin’s name as his hips are thrusting forward hard and his fingers are digging into his shoulders. He mind goes totally blank for a second and then he spirals into the depth of the most intense release he can remember. His whole body shudders from it as he spills into Merlin’s mouth and feels him swallow.

“Fuck,” He moans breathlessly a few seconds later as he sinks back on the covers sated, hot and sweaty and his insides still quivering from the afterglow. Merlin is right beside him now, running his thumb tenderly over his cheek.

“Not so bad then?” he teases Arthur whose brain is slowly starting to function again.

“Not totally wrong. No.” Arthur barely manages to speak and finds Merlin’s mouth instead. He can taste himself as his tongue swirls over Merlin’s lips, and he groans at the mere thought of it.

“I didn’t know that this could be so ...” Arthur is momentarily lost for words.

“So bloody amazing?” Merlin grins at him now, incredibly pleased that he is responsible for Arthur’s stunned silence, that he is the one able to make that brilliant, beautiful man feel like that.

“No need to be smug.” Arthur grins back at him. “I’ll get my own back,” he says as his hand moves down to find Merlin’s cock.

“Argh!” Merlin shouts out at the sudden contact. His cock is begging for attention, hard and slippery with arousal and it slides easily in Arthur’s palm. To have Arthur touch him like that is overwhelmingly beautiful. Merlin gasps at the feather light strokes and he bucks into Arthur’s hands impatiently.

“Tough, the waiting, isn’t it?” Arthur smiles as his other hand starts stroking Merlin’s balls, pulling at the hair and swirling his fingers around each gland. Merlin’s breathing is getting heavier by the second and he knows that he can’t stand this agony for very long. He is so close. His gold is whirling inside him like a hurricane, ready to sweep him away at any time. Arthur’s thumb is running along from his balls to the crack behind it and the mere suggestion of what it could do there drives Merlin to the edge.

Arthur has increased the pressure of his touch now, moving his hand long and slow. Merlin has given himself completely up to the sweet attack, is just a picture of sheer surrender.

“God, look at you,” Arthur whispers, full of want and affection. His voice, so blissed out and awed, is enough to spark Merlin off. His chest arches upwards and then he loses himself completely spurting all over Arthur’s stomach and hands.

“Arthur,” he mumbles, totally spent, as he sinks back on the pillows while Arthur bends over him, copying what Merlin did earlier, resting on his elbows so there is an inch of air between their chests. Then he drops his head into the hollow of Merlin’s shoulder, seeking intimacy and closeness and breathing in Merlin’s scent does just that.

And then they lie next to each other, their fingers entwined, their arms touching, and both content, both feeling they’ve come home. That this is it. And fuck the consequences.

Once Merlin has cleaned them up, they settle easily next to each other, sated and tired. Merlin is drifting off to sleep when Arthur suddenly rustles.

“What happens if I touch you while I’m asleep?” There is worry in his voice. “I have no control over where my arms and legs go.”

“No idea,” Merlin mumbles. He used to sleep with a separate blanket when he was with Edwin. But he can’t even think of doing that with Arthur. He needs and wants to feel the warmth of his body when he falls asleep.

“Guess we will find out,” he says drowsily, rubbing his hand lovingly over Arthur’s back and letting some soothing gold flood into his body. “Don’t worry about it, Arthur,” Merlin whispers. “Just let’s sleep.”

And that is what they do, but Merlin takes a note that he must phone Lance the next day. There is something he needs to find out about. Urgently.


	11. Two sides of a coin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to wish all of you who have found their way to this story a very Happy New Year!
> 
> And I also wants to say thanks to Kesmith who does not only make me think really hard about my characters and what they do, but has supplied me with some great ideas for the story.  
> Thanks also to enrapturereader for the wonderful support!

When Merlin wakes up, the first thing he notices is that Arthur is gone. Adrenaline floods him immediately and he sits up alarmed. But then he hears the water in the shower running and he relaxes again. Shit, he really has to stop being so edgy. 

He looks at the alarm clock. It is only half past six. Arthur is certainly an early riser. Merlin shuffles into the kitchen and makes tea and puts toast on. A minute later Arthur stands in the door.

“Morning.” He smiles and takes the cup of tea Merlin is offering. “Thanks.”  ut before he drinks a sip he moves a couple of steps towards Merlin and takes possession of his mouth. Merlin gasps into the kiss and his body goes from lethargic and sleepy to highly alert in a split second.

“Mmm. Could get used to that…,” he mumbles into Arthur’s mouth.

“Succumbing to my charms first thing,” Arthur beams, running his finger over Merlin’s neck in a playful manner.

“Big-headed prat.” Merlin chuckles. “You’re better when you don’t speak.” And at that he finds Arthur’s mouth again.

After a quick breakfast Arthur is out of the door. He really has to be on time today.  Uther will be at the office early. “See you later!” he shouts back before he closes the front door behind him.

Merlin sits in the kitchen for another few minutes quietly. This must be the happiest day of his life. He still needs to pinch himself to really believe that this is happening.  And he knows one thing for sure – he will do everything he can, whatever it may be to make this relationship work. 

And that’s when he remembers to phone Lance. It is his lucky day because his friend can come over just after lunch.

“What’s up?” Lance asks as soon as he is through the door. But then he takes a closer look at Merlin and doubles back. “Do I detect a certain glow?” Lance grins and searches Merlin’s face.

Merlin blushes, confirming Lance’s suspicions.

“Arthur,” Lance states. He doesn’t even need to ask. Merlin nods anyway and can’t stop grinning idiotically.

Lance sighs inwardly. As much as he likes seeing Merlin happy, he wonders what Arthur’s intentions are. Is he just playing around, experimenting because he is unhappy? And even if he is serious about this, how can he possibly take this relationship long term? Is he going to going to drop Merlin at the first sign of opposition against their relationship? There’s just no way of telling, but it seems that there are too many ifs and buts.

Arthur would certainly not have been on his list of suitable partners for Merlin. His friend’s life is complicated enough as it is. This relationship, if this is the way it’ll develop, isn’t going to be easy. He is sure about that. But he will bite his lip. It is not his place to tell Merlin who to go out with. 

“Okay,” he says matter of fact. “So, what is it you want to talk to me about?”

“Lance,” Merlin starts. “Is there anything I can do, some sort of treatment or therapy that could help me get rid of my fear? Or something to at least bring it down to a level where I can be physical with someone without having a mental breakdown over it?”

“I see,” Lance states, and then hesitates.

“There is something I could try, isn’t there?” Merlin pushes a bit further.

“Yes, in fact there is.” Lance faces Merlin, his eyes serious and contemplative.

“I’ve never suggested it before because you were never in a position where you could have coped.”

Merlin swallows. “This doesn’t sound very consumer friendly.” 

“It isn’t.” Lance pauses. “It’s called Systematic Desensitization.”

“Wow.” Merlin grins, but there is uncertainty in his voice. There must be a reason for Lance looking so sombre. “Even the word sounds painful.”

“It is, Merlin.” Lance searches his face. “It means you’ll be exposed to your fear regularly while coupling it with relaxation techniques. Hopefully, in time, this will reduce the level of anxiety you feel when you are touched and help you to react less violently to it.”

Merlin must admit that this does not sound exactly appealing. Actually, it sounds bloody awful and pretty scary and distressing.

“You mean you are going to touch me again and again so I get used to the fear and the nausea and the palpitations and the sweat….” 

“Yes, I do. The symptoms should reduce in strength and frequency over time and eventually you should be able to be touched without reacting too strongly.”

Merlin stares at Lance for a second. His fear reduces him to a whimpering excuse of a human being every time, it incapacitates him completely and makes him more vulnerable than most people. He hates feeling so helpless when it attacks, hates how it takes over his body, hates most of all how it has ruined his life so far.

“Is it successful?” he asks tentatively.

“There is no guarantee it will work. Every person benefits to a different degree from the therapy,” Lance answers honestly.

Merlin breathes in and out deeply. And sighs. “So, what do you think – do I have a chance of getting better with this?”

Lance looks at him and bites his lips. “I think it is your best chance, but I can’t promise anything.” He can see Merlin battling with himself while he nervously paces up and down the room.

“How often?” Merlin enquires, and his eyes are dark with worry.

“Three times a week at least, for a while.” 

Merlin gasps. To go through the agony of an attack on such a regular basis is a shattering thought. He knows it will cost him to do that. In energy and will power, and mental strength to go through with it.

But then he thinks of Arthur. Who has been very understanding about all this, and extremely sweet and considerate. So was Edwin at the beginning. Until he couldn’t cope with it anymore. The same could easily happen again.

The thought of losing Arthur to his debility is more than awful.  The thought that one day Arthur might just look at him with pity in his eyes and say ‘sorry’ before he leaves.

If there ever was a time to face up to his fear, it is now – because Arthur deserves to have a normal relationship, not one that’s stunted by dos and don’ts. And Merlin wants to make him happy, and he wants to fight this bloody burden that has been making his life a misery for so long.

“Okay.” He nods. “I’ll do it.” He looks at Lance expectantly. “When do we start?”

Lance gives him a cheeky smile. “There is no time like now.”

Merlin pales a bit at the thought, but then takes his T-shirt off.

“Sit down,” Lance says and motions him towards the sofa.

“Now close your eyes and think of something that will keep you sane. Concentrate on it as much as you possibly can.”

Merlin does as instructed and inevitably thinks of Arthur. Of last night and how utterly brilliant they had been together. How hot it had been to touch him and how ….

Just then Lance touches his chest above the nipples. He only does it lightly but it makes Merlin cringe.  His heart immediately starts thumping louder and faster. Lance doesn’t stop though, but runs his hand along Merlin’s side next, then across his stomach, back up on the other side and then across his chest.

That pushes Merlin off the cliff and he plunges head on into an attack of the most intense fear. He jolts back overcome with nausea and panic. Pearls of sweat have appeared on his upper lip and at the back of his neck. His breathing is irregular now as if someone was strangling him. He just sits there panting like mad, trying to gain control over his body again.

“Concentrate on your positive thoughts. And breathe slowly,” Lance commands and Merlin’s mind tries to flick back to Arthur desperately. To picture his blue eyes watching him as he is trying to beat this bloody curse. To imagine his steady hand holding his while he’s fighting through his attack.

And he slowly pushes the fear away. Just then Lance touches again and this time the phobia just washes over him relentlessly. Merlin sinks to his knees on the floor, moaning with anguish, and takes a good five minutes before he recovers.

“Shit,” he whispers, broken how little it took to send him over the cliff.  “Shit.” And then, almost begging. “Is that enough for today?”

Lance gives him a sympathetic look and nods. “That’ll do for a first time. We will try to lengthen the session each time by a few minutes.”

Merlin gulps, and then puts his T-shirt slowly on again.

“Are you still sure you want to do this?” Lance is watching him intently, but Merlin doesn’t hesitate.

“I’m sure,” he says quietly, but determined. 

“I’ll phone you later to arrange some dates for the therapy,” Lance says before he leaves. 

Merlin’s still standing in his living room, forlorn in thought, when he hears the door close. This is going to be hellish and there’s no guarantee that it will work. He is going to go through with it because he needs to try. For Arthur. For himself. For both their sakes.

But there is no way he can tell him about it at the moment. It would be awful to give Arthur hope for normality when it might never happen. No, he certainly doesn’t want to raise false expectations. That wouldn’t be fair on Arthur. Because if he fails, the defeat would be unbearable, the disappointment too bitter.

The next four weeks rush past Merlin in a shot. 

He has never been in such an intense emotional turmoil. On the one hand his regular sessions with Lance put him on constant edge and sometimes on the brink of a nervous breakdown as each session reduces him to a trembling mess. On the other hand he’s never been more buoyant because seeing Arthur every day is simply exhilarating.

They’re getting to know each other bette,r and Merlin has never laughed so much in such a short time. Although they are so different and couldn’t come from more diverse backgrounds there is a lot of things they share. Like their crazy love of sci-fi and fantasy TV programmes, from StarTrek right down to that cheesy show about Arthur and Merlin that ran on the BBC at one time. Or their interest in the environment and all related issues. Or their love of being outdoors whatever the weather.

Of course they are different is so many ways. While Arthur is controlled and measured, Merlin is spontaneous and creative. While Arthur is precautious and guarded, Merlin is intuitive and outgoing. The strange thing is that they seem to complement each other rather than clash over their differences.

Merlin is pondering about exactly that when he enters the reception of Rapport. He has quite a few clients at the moment and has to be in almost every day. Gwen smiles hello and says, “Gaius would like to have a word before you start.”

When Merlin opens the door to Gaius‘s office the old man looks up from his desk and waves him inside.

“Merlin, come and sit down for a minute, please.”

This sounds rather out of the ordinary and Merlin wonders what this is all about.

Gaius gives him a smile and asks innocently, “How are you, my boy?”

Merlin grins inwardly. Gaius has been calling him a boy since he was six and seems to completely ignore that he is a grown man of twenty-seven now.

“I’m great.” He beams at his mentor. “Really fine.” 

“So I have noticed.” Gaius searches his gaze as if he expects him to say something else.

“Gaius, what is all this about? Surely not only to find out about my well-being?”  Merlin knows Gaius as well as Gaius knows him. And he can sense there is something else going on.

“Uther phoned earlier today. He wanted to know whether Arthur is making progress.” Gaius is watching Merlin’s ears turning pinker, then red and then crimson.

“He is making progress.” Merlin keeps his answer rather general but knows at the same time that Gaius is seeing through him like through a glass of water.

“In which way?” Gaius replies knowingly, and at that Merlin gives up his meagre pretence.

“Gaius, I’m in love with him,” he says quietly as his head drops on his chest. It is the first time he has said the words out loud, and hearing them seems to make his feeling somehow more real and more tangible.

The old psychologist sighs heavily and gets up to walk over to the window.

“So it is, as I suspected.” He pauses. “Well, it was pretty obvious.” 

“Was it really?” Merlin blushes at the thought that he’s been putting his heart on his sleeve without really noticing.

“Well, what other reason could there have been for you to run around like a Cheshire cat for the last four weeks?” Gaius chuckles now. 

But actually he doesn’t feel very cheerful. He would be the last person on earth to begrudge Merlin some happiness. But why on earth did he have to choose Arthur Pendragon out of all people? He knows Uther and how ruthless and determined he is. He understands what part Arthur has to play in society. He is simply very uncertain that this can work. And he hates the idea of Merlin getting hurt yet again. The boy has suffered enough for a lifetime.

“I know Arthur is a good man,” Gaius continues. “But I can’t see where all this is going, Merlin. Uther has to be reckoned with, and Arthur is still married and he is in the public eye a lot.”

Merlin nods. It isn’t as if he hasn’t thought about this. But it has been only four weeks, and far too soon to approach subjects like that.

“I am worried for you.” Gaius finishes and presses his lips together.

“I know you are only meaning to protect me Gaius,” Merlin replies and puts his hand on the old man’s arm. “And that you mean well. But this is something I have to work out for myself. What WE will have to work out together when the time comes.” It is all he can say at this moment in time.

“What did you say to Uther?” Merlin asks curiously then.

“I told him that he is in the best hands if he wants to be happy again.” Gaius smiles benignly, and Merlin has to laugh.

“Thanks, Gaius,” he says and moves to head for his office.

“Merlin?” Gaius’s voice is serious now. “I can only keep up this pretence for so long.  And I can’t tell lies to Uther again.”

“I understand.” Merlin nods and lingers on the thought. This just highlights just how difficult their situation is. It has only been four weeks and he can’t expect Arthur to publicly out himself already. Particularly not on an important issue like that, when it will doubtlessly have a major impact on his life. But Uther will not wait for the results he expects. He has made that pretty clear.   

Merlin sighs and is glad that work takes his mind off his own problems for the rest of the day and when evening comes he is tired, but excited, too.

“Why don’t you come up to my apartment tomorrow?” Arthur said the day before. “I have a really early meeting with one of my major clients and it would make it a lot easier for me to be there first thing in the morning.”

“Great!” Merlin’s face split into a huge smile. He loves the fact that Arthur doesn’t even consider just not seeing him for one night, but wants him there with him. 

Merlin suggested after their first week together that Arthur should bring some of his stuff to his flat, so he didn’t have to go back to his own apartment all the time.  Because for some reason Arthur seems to prefer to be there in his tiny flat, rather than in his posh apartment. Not that Merlin minds. He loves having Arthur around, waking up next to him, cooking him something he likes, hearing him sing in the shower. And he loves that he can help ease his worries when he comes back from the office, stressed and exhausted.

 “But ….,” he hesitates. “Will people not wonder if I visit you and then stay overnight?”

“I’ve thought of that, too.” Arthur smiles rather mischievously. “But you are my marriage counsellor after all. And if you stay late because of your work….who is to criticize that?”

And so Merlin arrives at the main entrance of Pendragon Inc. at six thirty, just when the last few employees are leaving the office building. He walks into the huge steel and glass construction up to the reception area.

“Mr. Pendragon is expecting me,” Merlin says to the receptionist as instructed by Arthur.

The man, dressed very formally in a suit and tie, measures Merlin from top to toe.  Merlin can feel himself blushing because he seems so out of place here with his baggy jeans, the ‘Save Animals in the Tropical Forests’ T-shirt and the green rucksack.

“Just a second.” The man lifts the phone.

“Mr. Pendragon?” he enquires. “There is a Mr…..?“ He looks questioningly at Merlin.

“Emrys,” Merlin says and the receptionist continues. “There is a Mr. Emrys here to see you.”

The receptionist’s face falls in surprise at what he hears and then points to the lifts at the far end of the hall. “Take the lift on your left and go straight up to the very top floor.”

“Thank you.” Merlin smiles at the man brightly, as if he’s been particularly helpful rather than making him feel like shit. It is usually a good strategy for dealing with people like that. And it seems to work because the guy looks startled for a second and then turns round obviously embarrassed.

When Merlin arrives at the top floor the door opens straight in to a small hall. 

“Merlin, come in!” Arthur shouts from somewhere, and Merlin walks through into the next room. And his eyes widen.

Arthur’s apartment is like something out of a fashion magazine. All open plan with huge glass windows to show off a magnificent view. Clear lines and a certain minimalism are the main aspects. It all looks really impressive and trendy and is a far shot from Merlin’s flat.

Arthur appears from another room that looks like an office. “Sorry, I had to finish that call,” he says, wondering why Merlin seems to stare at him.

Merlin is pretty sure that he’s never seen a man more fit than Arthur. He is wearing a grey Armani suit and a pristine dark grey shirt with a matching tie. He would bet all his belongings that Arthur could make money with modelling, the way he looks. He personifies the image of the successful young entrepreneur down to a T.

“Come, I’ll show you round.” Arthur smiles and grabs his hand, shaking Merlin out of his trance.

The apartment is pretty much what one would expect from a young executive’s accommodation. It boasts anything from a Smart TV, to voice controlled everything, to heated flooring and…and… Merlin’s mind is boggling after a few minutes.

“God, Arthur.” He shakes his head and laughs. “Would it not be easier to tell me what you have NOT got?” Arthur chuckles and punches Merlin’s arm as he often does when he wants to show his affection.

“A bit too pompous for you, then?” He teases Merlin.

“It is breath taking,” Merlin says. “Totally awesome, just a bit …” He is trying to look for the right word when Arthur says it. “Clinical.” 

Merlin nods. That’s exactly it. It looks a little bit too much like straight out of a fashion magazine. It is a bit too lean and cold.

“It needs a little bit of you,” Arthur mumbles into Merlin’s neck, and he smiles when he feels Merlin blush. He really loves making Merlin blush. It works every single time.

“Have another look round if you want. I have to go downstairs for half an hour to sort out some paper work.” And then Arthur is gone, and Merlin is left to explore the rest of Arthur’s place.  

Apart from the living room with the open plan kitchen, there is one huge bedroom with an equally enormous bed. Next to it is the most beautiful bathroom Merlin has ever seen. There is a round bath in the middle, equipped with the latest Jacuzzi and a jet shower on one side and another one with lots of massage options on the other.  Piles of fluffy white towels are neatly stacked on the shelves and all the toiletries are top notch expensive stuff.

The only room Merlin hasn’t seen now is the office, and so he ventures inside to stop short when he sees the wall opposite the desk. It is covered with photos of Arthur. Of Arthur and the Prime Minister, of Arthur and the Prince of Wales, of Arthur and a colossal amount of people Merlin has seen on the news or in magazines or on TV.

He swallows hard because this hits home what Gaius has tried to explain to him.  That Arthur moves in a world that could just as well be on a different planet from his. He can’t help but wonder how on earth he fits into the picture. Because just now he is unable to imagine being part of all this. 

If their relationship is to last though, if that is what they both want, this is something Arthur and he will have to address. And the way things are going with Uther this will be rather sooner than later. It feels too soon.

Well, Merlin knows for sure that there’s nothing else he wants more. He wonders though if Arthur has thought about this. Like, really thought about it. Not just considered it as a passing thought. He hates the idea that Arthur could be pushed into making a decision without having enough time to make sure this is right for him.

One thing is certain though. Their relationship endangers everything represented by those photos. That is why they have always been careful when they’ve been out, watching all the time where they put their hands and their eyes. Merlin understands why they can’t be seen together. Any nasty rumour about Arthur could seriously affect business and could be maliciously used in the tabloid press. It is something Merlin has accepted as part of their relationship just like Arthur has accepted his debility. 

Somehow though, seeing these photos have brought the point home in a much more poignant way. Merlin’s insides clench at the thought, but then he thinks of Arthur in his arms, the way he falls apart under his hands, and how bloody brilliant they are together, how much they laugh and how comfortable they are in each other’s presence.

Maybe there is way, for them, together. Even he can’t see it at this very moment. Fuck. Being with Arthur all the time would be incredible. This is after all why he is putting up with all the shit the therapy throws at him.

He knows that it is high time that Arthur is told his WHOLE life story and that he gets to know his damaged body. But so much has happened in the last four weeks, the opportune moment has simply never presented itself. Suddenly it seems so much more important that Arthur knows about this and fully understands who he is. He knows pretty much everything important about Arthur after all. They should be on equal terms with this.

“Merlin, I’m back!” Arthur rips him out of his sombre thoughts. “I was going to order some Korean food for tonight. Is that okay with you?”

Merlin sends Arthur a dazzling smile. The blonde knows fine that Korean is his favourite, and Merlin is well aware that he has done this for him. “Great!  Thanks!”

After their meal they both settle in front of the TV to relax, watching a rerun of the first Star Trek movie. Merlin’s head is resting on Arthur’s shoulder as he is drifting off puffing air through his lips and making little funny noises. A huge wave of warmth is spreading inside Arthur as he watches Merlin falling asleep. He looks even younger like this and so vulnerable.

Arthur cherishes the warm weight of Merlin pressing into his side and the urge to hold and hug him is suddenly overwhelming. It sometimes hurts so much that he can’t do exactly that. And he has to admit very reluctantly that he’s started resenting Merlin’s ever present T-shirt a little bit. What can be so awful that he wants to hide it at all times? Doesn’t Merlin trust him enough? Surely he should realize he will understand, whatever is hiding underneath.

And before Arthur realizes what he’s doing he lifts his hand and very, very gently touches Merlin’s chest with a fingertip. Merlin has never reacted to touch when he is asleep, so this should be fairly safe. He then slowly runs his finger down the front and eventually rests it on his heart, barely touching, but thrilled to feel Merlin’s heart-beat under his hand.

Unfortunately Arthur hasn’t counted on Merlin moving in his sleep and, as he turns around, his chest virtually falls on Arthur’s hand.

Merlin’s eyes open in horror in a split second. And although Arthur is scrambling off as fast as he possibly can, the fear is quicker still. Merlin curls up involuntarily and rides the waves of the phobia.

“Fuck, Merlin. I’m so sorry.” Arthur is in shock and riddled by guilt. This is the second time he has had to witness this, and he hates seeing Merlin in agony. Even worse is that he has brought it on this time.

A few minutes later Merlin is in control again.

“Merlin…” Arthur swallows hard and repeats. “I’m so sorry. I….”

Merlin attempts a smile when their eyes meet.“It is I who should be sorry, Arthur,” he whispers quietly. “If I was like any other man you wouldn’t have to put up with this crap.”

Arthur shakes his head, but finds that a kiss is really the best comfort he can offer.  And it does do the trick as Merlin revels in the sensation of Arthur’s lip caressing his mouth, taking away the last remnants of anguish from his heart.

When they pull apart Merlin has made up his mind that he’s going to explain everything to Arthur. Now. He can’t keep this from him any longer, he really wants him to know everything.

“Arthur. I want to speak to you about something.” He starts and Arthur looks up, a little alarmed at the trembling in Merlin’s voice.

“I’m sure you must have wondered…” Merlin continues and just then, as if it had been planned by some higher sinister force, Arthur’s mobile rings.

“Just a second, Merlin!” Arthur picks up the phone, and Merlin sees how his brows furrow.

“Are you kidding?” Arthur shouts into his mobile. “I’ll be down in a minute.”

He then looks at Merlin apologetically. “Sorry. There is an emergency and I have to go down to the office for a while.”

“Sure.” Merlin smiles, disappointment stabbing violently at his insides. He was so close to give Arthur the whole truth and now the opportunity has slipped away.

His hope that they might continue their conversation where they left off, when Arthur returns, is in vain. Because Arthur only comes back after midnight and when he quietly sneaks into the bedroom, Merlin’s curled up in bed fast asleep.


	12. Hope

The next morning Merlin is barely awake when Arthur gets ready to leave for his meeting.

“Sorry about last night,” he whispers in Merlin’s ear. “See you later.” and then he is gone before Merlin can mumble an answer.

An hour later Merlin is also ready to go. Arthur has left him clear instructions how to go about this without being seen leaving his apartment. He is to take the smaller lift at the back of the corridor. This leads to the underground car park from which he can easily get to the next tube station.

On his way home the events of the previous night run through his mind. Arthur must have touched him. There is no other explanation for his panic attack last night.  Merlin swallows hard. The thought shakes him more than he cares to admit.

Why would Arthur even think about it? Did he need proof of his debility? Was he just curious what would happen?  Or was he simply desperate to be close?

Strangely enough the last idea worries Merlin most of all. He is pretty sure he knows Arthur. That he is a decent man and that he can trust him. If Arthur touched him he must have done so because he desired it really badly. Which means that in the long run, Merlin won’t be able to give him what he needs and wants. It also means Arthur must find it increasingly difficult to cope.   

That’s why the therapy simply HAS to work. That is also why it’s important that he reveals all to Arthur as soon as possible. So he understands completely who he is and why he is this way. Merlin can hardly get this out of his mind.

But it seems that fate will not allow it. For the following two weeks Arthur is working long hours because he is in the process of securing a new business deal. When he comes back to Merlin in the evening he’s dead beat, and Merlin really doesn’t want to burden him with his sordid story when Arthur is virtually falling asleep standing.

“Hi, it’s done,” Arthur says as he returns on a Sunday evening. He has been at the office virtually non-stop for two weeks.

“Hallelujah!” Merlin shouts, and Arthur laughs out loud at the comical dance he’s putting on as a celebration.

“Idiot,” Arthur mumbles tenderly and pulls Merlin in as close as he can. 

“Bully!” Merlin retorts before their lips meet for a long and thorough kiss.

“There’s a long weekend coming up, Merlin,” Arthur says when he finally takes a seat on the sofa.

“Yes, Sherlock, I’m aware of that.” Merlin grins.

“I would like you to pack a bag for three nights and be ready to go by next Friday lunch-time,” Arthur says in his commanding ‘office voice’, as Merlin calls it. But there is a smile playing around his lips at the same time.

“Is that an order, sire?” Merlin does a mock bow, wondering what Arthur is up to.

“It is. So you better get it done,” Arthur replies with mock authority.

“Hmmm, aren’t you going to tell me anything about this?” Merlin questions him with his brows furrowed.

“Nope! Just got to trust me on this one.”

“Right,” Merlin says in pretend subservience with a cheeky smile. “Trust you.”

The words hit Arthur somewhere deep inside. They sting although they shouldn’t.  The problem is that he has been wondering about just that. If Merlin trusts him, why is he still keeping secrets about his life? It has been niggling him since the night Merlin stayed at his apartment, but he knows at the end of the day it is up to Merlin to start this conversation. Asking him directly about it is simply out of the question. It would feel like forcing him to speak up.

The light-hearted atmosphere has changed all of a sudden, as Arthur has gone completely still. He can feel Merlin looking at him rather startled, so he turns to face him to look straight into his blue eyes.

“Do you?” he asks very quietly and unsure.

“Trust you?” Merlin is taken aback. “Of course I do.“ It sounds like the most natural thing in the world. And why wouldn’t it? It is how Merlin genuinely feels after all.  Arthur looks far too serious and pensive when he could really do with a little bit of relaxation after all the hard work he’s done.

“You’re still uptight,” Merlin says and bumps his nose against Arthur’s cheek. The touch shakes Arthur out of his dark thoughts and he smiles at Merlin. 

“I am,” he admits. “Anything you can do about that?”

“Sure.” Merlin grins with relief. Now this is more like it, and then he lets his gold loose to bring comfort of mind to the man opposite him.

Five days later Merlin is all packed and ready to go away at lunchtime, just as Arthur asked. He can’t possibly imagine what Arthur has planned. Not that he hasn’t tried to find out. But Arthur has been annoyingly secretive about this.

Arthur is actually rather pleased with himself. It is Merlin’s birthday the following Sunday and, as it happens there is a long weekend just before that, so he has arranged a surprise trip for Merlin.

They’ve been together for almost seven weeks, and undoubtedly this has been one of the happiest times he’s ever had. Arthur loves Merlin’s quirky sense of humour, the way his eyes sparkle when he laughs and the way his dimples deepen when he is grinning. He loves how caring and sensitive Merlin is, always tuning into his mood and picking him up when he needs it. And yet at the same time he’s vulnerable and soft and needy, and it brings out the best in him.

He can be just Arthur, when he is with him, and he feels cherished for it. Being with Merlin has boosted his confidence to be himself to a new level. Most amazingly this transcends into Arthur’s relationship with his father. He suddenly feels more at ease with contradicting him, challenging his word and voicing his opinion. Arthur knows he has to thank Merlin for that. 

And this little surprise is just one way of showing how much he appreciates all of this. Two hours later they are on the M40 heading north-west.

“So, are you still not going to tell me?” Merlin has asked the question for the tenth time by now. 

“Merlin, haven’t you got any patience?” Arthur is laughing out loud. “You’ll find out soon enough where we’re going.”

“Why does this have to be a secret?” Merlin pesters Arthur again.

“Because. It. Is. A. Surprise,” Arthur says pointedly and rolls his eyes. “I can’t believe how nosy you are.” He throws Merlin an amused look at the same time taking the sting out of his comment. It’s really quite funny - and adorable - that Merlin’s behaving like a five year old before Christmas.

“Arthur? “ Merlin asks two minutes later. “Can‘t you just give me the first letter of the place we’re going to?” He looks at Arthur with hopeful eyes.

“Shut up, Merlin!” Arthur calls out exasperated, but he can’t help his lips twitching. “Or I’ll turn the car back.”

“You wouldn’t, would you?” Merlin sounds appalled.

“I would. Definitely.” Arthur throws him a mock threatening look.

“Okay.” Merlin gives in. “Just have it your way,” he says, turning his head away in a pout, just to ask two minutes later. “If I give you the name of a place, can you say yes or no?”

“MERLIN!” Arthur shouts it now, and they both burst into laughter. Once Merlin’s calmed down again, he takes a deep sigh and decides to give up. An hour later he drowsily checks out the road signs.

“Are we heading to Wales?” he wonders. Arthur’s lips are firmly closed, apparently ignoring the question while pretending to concentrate on the traffic. But Merlin senses he is right. He can tell from the way Arthur’s face muscles move and from the way he tilts his head a little bit to the right side.

“Close your eyes,” Arthur commands after another half an hour.

“Are you kidding me???” Now it is Merlin’s turn to sound exasperated.

“Nope. I mean it.” Arthur grins from ear to ear.

Merlin sighs deliberately noisily and closes his eyes. And waits. Fifteen minutes later the car stops. 

“Right.” Arthur sounds incredibly pleased. “You can open your eyes now.”

Merlin opens one eye first, then the second and sees a long building, clearly built in the sixties. It looks like an old school.

“Yes?” he asks dumbfounded. But when he looks closer he’s able to make out the writing on the sign on the wall. “Mold Country Library” Merlin’s eyes widen in delight.

“Arthur, oh my God!” He is totally ecstatic. How often has he wanted to come here to check out the resources this place offers. Because this unassuming building holds the largest collection of Arthurian texts in the whole of Great Britain. It is the mecca for any Arthurian writer, but he’s never managed to visit before.

“How did you know?” He turns round to Arthur. 

“I’ve got my ways and means.” Arthur is tickled pink at Merlin’s reaction. It is just what he hoped for.

“But surely it will be closed at the weekend?”

“Not if you have connections.” Arthur’s smile widens. “It is all yours tomorrow and on Sunday.” 

“God, Arthur!” Merlin throws his arms around him and almost plants a huge kiss on his mouth when he remembers that they are in public and that this, even if there are no people visible anywhere, isn’t a good idea.

“Happy Birthday,” Arthur whispers, and Merlin’s eyes indicate that he would do unspeakable things to him if they weren’t standing in a public place in bright sunlight. Merlin resigns himself to express his feelings differently.

“This is bloody amazing.” He is twitching with excitement. “Can we go in?”

“You’ve got an hour today, as it is already almost six, but then it is all yours for the next two days.”

The whole place is beyond fantastic. Merlin feels like a child in a candy store with the permission to pick anything he wants. He takes stock of what’s on offer, already mentally marking out some of the works he wants to go through the next day.

The hour is up incredibly fast and soon they’re on their way to the small country hotel Arthur has booked.  

“Thank you,” Merlin says, his voice shaking with emotion. This is the best, most thoughtful present he’s ever had. Just then a thought strikes him.

“But what about you, Arthur? If I spend my time in the library a lot, we won’t have a lot of time together!” He puts his hand on Arthur’s thigh, rubbing it up and down deep in in thought, not realizing what effect his simple touch has on Arthur.

“It is all in the name of research.” Arthur smiles. “And I did bring my laptop to finish off some bits of work.” He then lets out a muffled sigh. “And I would appreciate it if you took your hand off my leg now before I crash the car.”

Merlin looks at him stupefied and laughs. “Sorry. I can hardly help if my irresistible animal magnetism distracts you that much.”

“You wish!” Arthur laughs out loud.

Merlin grins back fondly.” Cheeky, are we“?” And then adds huskily, “You might regret that later.”

Arthur’s face flushes at the thought. “Hmm.” is all he can muster because his brain is suddenly too preoccupied with what Merlin might have on his mind.

The hotel is small and cosy, and Merlin notices that Arthur has even thought of booking two rooms, just in case. Which brings his mind right back to their impossible situation. But he pushes the thought away angrily. They both deserve to have a few days without worries or burdens or anything else that could taint this short time they can claim completely their own.

They arrange that Merlin will visit the library on both days until 3 pm which leaves them enough time to enjoy the rest of the day together. 

Merlin is euphoric when he starts looking through the books filling the library, and he drowns himself completely in taking notes and photocopying and jotting down ideas.  It is simply brilliant.

Then, in the afternoon, Merlin and Arthur venture out together into the surrounding forests, walking and cycling and just being themselves. Without the confines of London and all it stands for. Without having to fear they’re being watched. It’s like a huge burden’s rolling off their shoulders, leaving them light and happy and feeling free.

“This is awesome.” Arthur leans back in the grass to stare at the clouds in the sky.  They’ve had a good hike and are taking a rest at the banks of a small lake.

“Yeah.” Merlin’s just had exactly the same thought. “Wish it could be like this all the time,” he adds without thinking.

Arthur looks up, searching Merlin’s face. “Would you?”

Merlin cups his face, and rubs his thumb absent-mindedly over Arthur’s cheek. “I’m sure you know that.” Smiling, he puts a small kiss at the corner of Arthur’s mouth.  Then he hesitates. He would love to ask Arthur back, but what if he gives a non-committal answer? What if he says nothing? Or in the worst case, what if he says he doesn’t want the same? This would spoil everything just now, and so he bites his lips and chooses to remain silent.

As always, time flies when you’re enjoying yourself and Sunday comes all too soon. It is their last night and they’e had a lovely meal in the hotel. Merlin is about to start packing some his stuff when he suddenly feels Arthur’s eyes on him. When he looks up he finds Arthur standing in front of the bed, his hands behind his back, staring at him in a rather odd way.

“Yes?” Merlin raises an eyebrow. “What is it?”  For some strange reason Arthur seems to be nervous.

“I have something else for you,” Arthur mutters and pushes a small black box into Merlin’s hand.

“Arthur,” Merlin says breathlessly, his heart thumping like mad all of a sudden. He opens the box very slowly and swallows hard when he sees what’s inside.

It is a silver ring, formed delicately in the shape of a dragon. A red stone has been inset for the eye, and the tail is swirling all the way round. You can see its scales and wings clearly. It is absolutely beautiful.

“Arthur?”  Merlin’s eyes are wide with shock and surprise.  

“It’s the Pendragon family ring. I had one made for you.” Arthur steps into Merlin’s personal space, so he can hold him at the shoulders. “To say thank you and …”

Merlin crushes his lips on Arthur’s before he can finish and doesn’t let him go for a long, long while. 

“I’m speechless,” Merlin mumbles eventually.

“Well, just that makes it all worthwhile.” Arthur teases and Merlin punches his biceps in retaliation.

“That reminds me of the promise I gave you…” There is a glint in Merlin’s eyes.

“What do you mean?” Arthur asks confused.

“Animal magnetism.” Merlin grins from ear to ear, raising his eye brow suggestively.

“Oh,” is all Arthur can say and he chuckles, before Merlin attacks him with his mouth yet again. As clumsy as Merlin can be, he is definitely ace when it comes to getting rid of clothes. Before Arthur can count to three he finds himself on the bed naked, straddled and completely overpowered.

“Do I need to worry?” Arthur teases him further, deliberately challenging Merlin to see what he has in store.

“Definitely.” Merlin leans over him and squeezes Arthur’s nipples really hard, smiling when he feels Arthur’s cock twitch in immediate response underneath him.

“Merlin.” Arthur’s voice is dark and warm, and something in his tone makes Merlin stop..

 “I ….” Arthur swallows. “I want to be yours. Totally. Completely. In every way.” Merlin gives him a look that alone sends Arthur’s heart racing.

“Arthur,” Merlin whispers, his heart starting to race. This is turning out the best birthday surprise ever. They have never broached the subject of going all the way.  With Arthur being new to all this man on man action, Merlin made it clear right from the beginning that it is him who’s calling all the shots when it comes to choosing what they do and don’t do. 

 “I brought supplies,” Arthur says huskily, a faint blush crawling over his face, but his eyes dark with want nonetheless.

“Fuck me, Merlin,” he whispers and bucks under Merlin as if to underline his words. Arthur sits up so they’re facing each other, legs and arms entwined. And then he starts stroking Merlin’s collarbones and the nape of his neck, running his fingers slowly upwards towards his hairline. 

Merlin sighs into his touch, and his gold reacts as it always does with Arthur. It rushes through him, wave by wave, like water gushing in the sea on a stormy day, and it’s sweeping him towards Arthur, uncompromising and powerful. Arthur revels in Merlin’s reaction, can feel the spikes of the gold breaking out of him and smiles into Merlin’s neck when he feels him trembling from his touch. Arthur trails a path from Merlin’s neck to his ears, sucking and biting and licking and kissing until Merlin gasps helplessly.

“Arthur,” Merlin moans, complete in his surrender. There’s nothing more amazing, nothing more arousing than Arthur in his arms. He presses his hips impatiently closer to Arthur’s, searching to touch as much bare skin as he can, while his lips brush warm and softly over Arthur’s cheeks and his mouth until their tongues find each other. The rest of the world falls away, as desire and passion wipes away any other thought than their desperation to be sated.

Merlin drives his fingernails over Arthur’s back and digs them into his hips, again and again while his lips trail kisses along his regal jawline and that delicious neck. He remains a little longer there, sucking and licking, until Arthur hips start rising and pushing up, looking for friction.

“Merlin,” he gasps, making noises of protest when Merlin disentangles their limbs.  He sighs with relief an instant later when he feels Merlin’s hands on his arse, stroking and pinching and clawing his nails into the firm flesh. Arthur groans, his hard cock leaking silvery strands of precome on their skin. The spikes of Merlin’s gold reaching him, heighten every stroke threefold and make him tremble.

“Lovely,” Merlin mumbles and runs his hand over Arthur’s slick cock in slow motion while his other hand is exploring his crack. Arthur hitches his breath at the first touch.  He knows what to expect but he would be lying if he said he isn’t a little bit nervous.  Merlin runs his thumb over his furled entrance now, slow and deliberate, just touching, but no more, until he feels Arthur relax into his hand completely.

“Trust m,.” he whispers and then puts his mouth where his thumb has been a second before. Arthur moans shamelessly as the delicate hot and wet touch sends shivers down his spine.

“Fuck, Merlin,” Arthur gasps voicelessly when Merlin dips his tongue into the tight passage and starts to loosen the muscles lick by lick. The thought that Merlin is touching him there, like this, is driving Arthur near the edge. His cock is craving for attention, dripping with precome and aching from restraint. He needs some relief, some kind of touch, something to kill the need inside him and he reaches out, ready to grasp his erection, but Merlin gently takes away his hand.

“Steady,” he mumbles. Arthur lets out a stiffled moan when he dedicated his mouth to explore every little fold between Arthur’s cheeks. Arthur’s heart is beating so fast now he can hardly breathe. He hears the sound of a jar of lube opening, and a second later a slippery finger is rubbing gently over his entrance.

“Do it,” Arthur groans, shaking with desire. 

“Patience,” Merlin chuckles quietly as slips a finger inside. Arthur hitches his breath.  It is a strange, new feeling, but oh so hot and intimate. And Merlin pushes in again and again, and it seems to go on forever, and makes Arthur ache for more with every move. That’s when Merlin adds a second finger. And he works him just like before, slow and measured, scissoring the fingers to stretch Arthur further. 

Arthur is unable to keep still any longer, quivering with lust, and bucking against Merlin’s fingers at each stroke, eager for everything, ready to be taken. He cries out when he feels a third finger enter him and pressing deeper and harder with each thrust. Intense pleasure is rolling over him relentlessly, and he is twisting and squirming under Merlin’s hands. Then Merlin hits the sensitive spot inside and, fuck, Arthur almost comes from the intense sensation.

“Arthur,” Merlin mumbles before dragging his tongue across his back and hips.  Arthur instinctively understands and rolls over, pushing his hips up, waiting and wanting. Merlin is caressing every inch of skin he can reach, he can’t get enough of Arthur, of his scent and the smooth feeling of his muscles. And Arthur has never felt so cherished, so wanted and so desired.

“Want you.” Arthur’s almost begging. 

“God, you’re beautiful.” Merlin looks down on Arthur, offering himself, and the glorious view makes him almost fall apart. It takes a second to roll on the condom.  He gently rubs the curve of Arthur’s back before he fills him slowly. push by push.

Arthur moans quietly at the initial burn, but Merlin stops in time before it all gets too much and sends a bit of gold his way to make him feel more at ease. He rocks against Arthur until finally he is full to the brim, overcome by the sensory overload. He feels Merlin pulsating inside him, feels his balls rubbing against his skin, feels gloriously owned and wanted. There is some discomfort, yes, but the sensation inside him is incredibly delicious at the same time.

 “Okay?” Merlin asks, seeking Arthur’s reassurance and when Arthur turns round to send him a little nod, Merlin takes his lips in a mind-blowing kiss.

“Touch yourself,” Merlin mumbles when they part and he groans when he watches Arthur’s fingers wrap round his cock. The sight takes Merlin to the brink. Arthur is so hot and so tight and so gorgeous, and he is his. Totally his.

Arthur is close, too, he can sense it. He is panting wildly into the sheets underneath him, his one hand clawing into the mattress while the other one stroking and pulling with desperation.  Merlin pounds into Arthur once, twice and hears him cry out in ecstasy when he hits the sweet spot inside him. Arthur moans, loud and frantically as with each push, the burn subsides and gives way to the most intense pleasure.

Merlin thrusts slow and long, working them into a steady rhythm. Arthur’s shaken to the core, trembling with each push and then, overwhelmed by pleasure and lust, his mind blanks and he erupts in sweet agony, mumbling Merlin’s name all over again.  And Merlin, dizzy with craze, follows him a second later, spilling into Arthur.

They shudder violently from the powerful high until they finally still, covered in sweat and come. They remain motionless until their breathing has returned to normal and the waves of passion have died down.

“Merlin...” Arthur sounds totally done for, but wonderfully sated and happy.

When Merlin slowly pulls out, he hears Arthur hold his breath. It is strange how bereft he feels without Merlin inside him.

“Are you okay?” Merlin runs his fingers tenderly over Arthur’s shoulder.

Arthur turns round and collapses on the sheets. He looks debauched and spent and utterly beautiful. He stretches out his arms towards Merlin and pulls him in as much as possible. Their foreheads bump together, each feeling the heat radiating off the other. Neither needs to speak because they both sense the connection between them, and Merlin’s gold is humming in content, flowing between them like an invisible bond.

oooooooooooooooo

 

They sleep in longer the next morning and when Merlin peeks through half opened eyelids he finds Arthur lying next to him staring. Merlin’s heart starts beating a bit faster when he realizes that his gaze is directed at his chest. It looks as if Arthur is thinking, but whatever it is, it is certainly not happy thoughts. Because his eyes are dark and full of yearning, and a little bit sad.

Merlin cringes inside. It seems Arthur is starting to find the whole non touching business a bit tedious and frustrating. That was the first step with Edwin. That’s when it all started going downhill. Merlin presses his eyes together and takes a deep breath. The therapy has to work. It simply must, and he has to speak to Arthur about what happened to him. He is just about to open his eyes and do exactly that when Arthur runs his hand through Merlin’s hair.

“Come on you lazy sod. It is time to get up.” At that he rolls Merlin on his back and proceeds to pepper his face with tiny kisses.

“Hey. Get off me.” Merlin chuckles and tries to push Arthur off.

“My turn to be on top!” Arthur says deliberately huskily, and he grabs Merlin’s wrists holding him down so he can’t move.

“Hmmm.” Merlin relaxes into Arthur’s firm grip, purring like a cat.

“You aren’t supposed to enjoy that.” Arthur smirks. 

God! How can Merlin not enjoy having Arthur all over him, owning him with his lean muscly body and looking dangerously amorous.

“You are mine,” Arthur says, and Merlin shudders. He is more than happy for Arthur to take charge and prove just that.

“Show me,” Merlin says, sensuous challenge in his voice, and so Arthur does.

Two hours later they’re back on their way home. It is a long drive, and the traffic is most likely to be heavy at the end of the holiday weekend. When they hit the M25 after a good four hour journey, Arthur suddenly looks round.

“My father spoke to me on Friday morning, Merlin.”

Merlin is immediately alert. “Yes?” This doesn’t sound good.

Arthur thinks back of their conversation with disgust. He didn’t want to trouble Merlin with this before the weekend, but they do have to talk about it.

“How is your counselling getting on?” Uther asked him out of the blue after a meeting.

“Fine,” Arthur answered monosyllabically. But his heart started to pound heavily.

“So when will you and Vivien move in together again?” Uther scrutinized him thoroughly, and Arthur felt himself blush under his father’s gaze.

“There’s no firm date for that yet,” he answered and moved away to avoid any further questions. But Uther was never one for getting the brush-off.

“I can’t say I am impressed with that infamous miracle counsellor, what’s his name…,.”  Uther snapped his fingers, hostility underlying his words.

“Merlin Emrys,” Arthur muttered unwillingly. Even mentioning Merlin’s name to Uther felt wrong.

“I thought this unpleasant business would be sorted by now.” There was obvious impatience in his father’s voice.

“These things take time, father.” Arthur tried to pacify Uther.

“It seems to me that you’ve spent enough time with this Merlin to show some results for it.”  Uther retorted coldly. “Maybe I should ask Gaius to allocate someone else to you.”

“Surely that’s for me to say. It is my business.” Arthur was getting annoyed now.  Why did his father always, always have to meddle in his life? Why did he always have to take over? Why did he have to be so bloody patronizing all the time?

“But it is my empire, it is Pendragon Industries on the line here.” Uther said, his voice cold and menacing. “Something you don’t seem to care about. Without an heir all will be lost to someone else. Everything I’ve worked for all those years would be for nothing. Do you understand?” Uther glared at Arthur.

“And I would like to make one thing crystal clear. Again. It is your bloody duty to ensure there WILL be an heir.“ Uther sent Arthur a deadly look. “Just go and fuck that little wife of yours, for goodness sake. It can’t be that hard, surely.”

Arthur felt all blood drain from his face. This was just out of order. He wasn’t willing to be ordered around like that anymore.

“We’re talking about MY personal life, father,” Arthur retorted in a determined voice.  “And I will do this, the way I see fit. It will take as long as it takes. Whatever your feelings are on the matter.” And at that Arthur walked away and left Uther standing in the corridor.

Merlin’s stomach drops as Arthur recounts the meeting. For some reason he gets the feeling they’re going to be outrun by events. That they are swept up in something they haven’t got complete control over.

“What are we going to do?” he mutters, more to himself than to Arthur.

“I have to think about this very carefully,” Arthur remarks in thought. 

Merlin searches Arthur’s face from the side, and he can’t help anxiety rising inside him. Uther is putting Arthur under a lot of pressure, and of course Gaius and indirectly him, too. A deep sigh escapes Merlin which causes Arthur to throw him a quick look.

“Try not to worry,” he mutters and gives Merlin a small smile.

When they arrive at Merlin’s flat, Merlin gets out to collect his stuff from the boot. Before he disappears in the apartment building he leans back into the car.

“That was the best birthday ever. Thanks.” And at that he throws Arthur a kiss and lets him go.  

“See you tomorrow!” Arthur gives him a wave and then he’s off.

Merlin sighs again as he walks up to his flat. He has no intention of staying up late tonight. Lance is coming first thing in the morning for a therapy session. It isn’t exactly the best of times, but Merlin’s missed one appointment when he was away and Lance is going on a seminar for the rest of the week.   

So he has taken this early slot because he can’t afford to let this slip. The sooner there’s some progress, the better. Not that he has seen a lot so far. The fear is still as intense as ever, but he isn’t giving up yet. He can’t, and he won’t.

As planned Merlin has an early night and is up before Lance rings the bell at half past seven the next day. 

“Morning.” Lance grins. “Are you all ready for this?”

“I never am,” Merlin replies rather dryly. “Want a cup of tea before we start?”

“Great.” Lance moves into the kitchen to boil the kettle while Merlin gets everything ready in the living room. Lance suggested last time to try and put some music on during their session because it might help him to remain grounded in reality. Merlin flicks through his CDs, looking for something powerful, something catching his attention. A second later he has found what fits the bill perfectly. He has always loved Freddy Mercury, the power of his voice, his charisma, his incredible talent. He puts the CD on and leans back on the sofa when there’s a big clash in the kitchen.

“Ouch! Fuck!” Lance shouts at the top of his voice.  Merlin rushes through to find Lance covered in tea from top to toe. 

“The handle of that cup broke,” Lance explains while he hurries to take his burning-hot jeans off and throw his T-shirt on the floor.

“I’m so sorry, Lance. Let me take your jeans and put cold water on the stain.”

“Don’t be daft. You’re not my servant,” Lance says with a chuckle and waves him off as he disappears in the bathroom. 

Merlin resumes his position on the sofa and thinks back to the last three days. It was a brilliant weekend. The longer he’s known Arthur, the more he wants to be with him. That last night was just … he hasn’t the right words to describe it properly. Probably there aren’t any. Just thinking about it is enough for his cock to react. His jogging pants are bulging suspiciously by the time Lance returns from the bathroom.

“You had a good weekend then?” Lance grins, throwing him a knowing look. He can hardly miss Merlin’s arousal.

“It relaxes me, thinking about it,” Merlin retorts, kind of defending his pathetic state. When he notices Lance, barely dressed in his boxer briefs, he w waves at the chest of drawer at the back wall. “Get yourself a T-shirt out of there.”

Lance throws on one of Merlin’s ‘Save the Rainforests” T-shirts a few seconds later and then sits down next to him on the sofa. 

“Ooops!” Lance gets up again. “Left my mobile in my wet jeans!” he says as he rushes to the bathroom to retrieve it.

Merlin closes his eyes, concentrating on Freddy Mercury’s voice and his thoughts about Arthur. He pictures his face and the way his lips move on his, on the depth of his blue eyes and his crooked smile. And without realizing his head falls back onto the sofa and his lips open wantonly. Arthur. His whole mind is just consumed by that one word.

“Now, where did we leave off, Merlin?” Lance has returned from rescuing his mobile and places himself as near to Merlin as he can. He stretches out his hand and starts touching him, on his chest, on his sides, across his breastbone, just as he’s done so many times before in the hope that all this suffering is going to have some benefits for Merlin in the end.

Merlin groans under his hand, making an effort to stave the fear off as long as he can.

“Forget what happened to you so long ago. Try to free your mind and relax,” Lance says calmly in support.

Neither hears the front door opening and closing again.


	13. Doomsday

Arthur notices Merlin’s mobile on his car seat when he gets into his Porsche the next morning. Knowing that Merlin relies on it for appointments and all the other important things in his life he decides to drop it past him quickly before he goes to the office. 

Merlin might be still asleep. He grins and is looking forward to surprising him. A bed-warm, sleepy Merlin is a rather appealing prospect.

He quietly opens the door to Merlin’s flat with the key Merlin gave him weeks ago and is surprised to hear loud music in the living room. Sounds like Queen. How odd.  Merlin isn’t exactly an early riser. Why would he listen to music so early on? He takes the few steps towards the living room door standing slightly ajar and stops short in mid-stride at what unfolds before his eyes.

Merlin is sitting on the sofa, his head thrown back and his lips slightly parted. He is wearing nothing but his jogging pants that house a rather sizable erection. Arthur’s cock reacts in a split second, before it hits him. 

Merlin isn’t wearing a T-shirt. No, he’s sitting there with his bare chest.

Arthur’s eyes are inevitably drawn to the part of Merlin’s body he’s never seen before and he freezes. He doesn’t need to be close to see the scars. It looks like Merlin has been in some kind of sword battle in which he came off the worse. His whole chest is covered and just there, near the breastbone, there are two raised round scars that look red and rather angry.

Arthur hitches his breath and his insides clench in horror. What on earth has happened to Merlin? He has never spoken of it, never mentioned where his fear comes from. What he sees, explains that someone hurt Merlin beyond imagination.

He draws a breath in anger at whoever did this to the man he loves.  And yes, he isn’t even thinking about using the L word. He is freely admitting to himself that he’s head-over-heels in love with this crazy, unorthodox, amazing man, and if he has anything to do with it he will help him to get over the awful burden weighing him down.

Arthur is about to step into the living room, assuming he’s just walked in on a private moment, when a dark-haired, very handsome guy appears out of the bathroom.  Arthur’s eyes widen and his heart stops when he realizes the guy is only wearing boxer shorts and a T-shirt. A T-shirt that is definitely one of Merlin’s.

What is this?  What is this guy doing here? Merlin still hasn’t moved when the man settles next to him on the sofa next to him.

“Now where did we leave off, Merlin?” he asks soothingly and lifts his hand gently.

A rush of total disbelief surges through Arthur, and he has to remind himself to breathe because the image before him is blowing his brains. Merlin is making out with this guy. There can be no other explanation. 

Confusion and anger rush through Arthur’s chest, leaving his brain totally numb.  Merlin and another man. At 8 o’clock in the morning. The guy must have stayed overnight. He must have waited for Merlin when he came back from their weekend.  Merlin is double-timing him. 

Arthur bites his lips to make sure he doesn’t let out a revealing sob. His heart is plummeting in supersonic speed, and shatters in thousands of tiny pieces in the depths of his soul,

If he thinks that things can’t get any worse, he is certainly proved wrong the next second when that guy touches Merlin. On his chest. Arthur almost curls over in shock and anguish. He wouldn’t be surprised if an invisible sword had just pierced through him. It must feel exactly like that.

Not only is Merlin allowing this guy to see his chest and back, but he is letting him touch where Arthur is denied to. Which means that Merlin trusts this bastard. Trusts him with his pain and his body more than him. Arthur isn’t aware of the tears loosening from his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. Merlin, who seems so vulnerable and fragile is just a two-timing, dishonest cheat.

At this moment the guy starts moving his hand slowly over Merlin’s chest, and Merlin lets out a moan. Arthur recognizes this sound or thinks he does. He’s heard it so often in the last few weeks when they made love. And at this point he can’t bear to look on any further. As he turns round to sneak out of the flat the dark-haired guy speaks again.

“Forget what happened to you so long ago. Just try to free your mind and relax.”

This is all too much. That guy isn’t only touching Merlin, he also seems to be totally aware how Merlin ended up with scars like that. Merlin has never spoken to HIM about it. He obviously never thought Arthur was worthy enough to be trusted with that intimate information. But THAT fucking bloke knows. Arthur feels sick with shock, anger, betrayal and disappointment.

He puts Merlin’s mobile on the sideboard in the hall and quietly closes the front door behind him. He sinks against the wall in the corridor and breathes through deeply to fight the wave of nausea threatening to overcome him. How could he have never noticed it? That Merlin wasn’t genuine with him? There must have been signs. But his head was just too high in the clouds and, no doubt, Merlin must have pulled plenty of wool over his eyes. 

Arthur is struggling to combine what he’s seen just now with the Merlin he thought he knew. Evidently he doesn’t. Know him. At all. The facts speak for themselves.

Shit. He is such an idiot. What a ride he has been taken for! He wonders if Merlin has ever laughed about him behind his back, for being such a gullible idiot. Arthur grits his teeth as he attempts to suppress an oncoming wave of sobs. Fuck, this hurts so much, he can feel it in every fibre of his body. 

He was an easy target for Merlin. He can see it now. Lost and alone, in need of a friend and some love. Well, Merlin got his fair share out of their time together. That is for sure.

How could he have been so fundamentally wrong? Arthur leaves the apartment block almost running. He can’t bear to think of what is going on inside Merlin’s flat. Can’t bear to comprehend that Merlin’s affection was nothing more than a game. Can’t bear the knowledge that Merlin never trusted him enough to let him do what that guy’s doing to him just now. Arthur would have done anything to make Merlin happy and help him get over his problem. Anything. What a fucking idiot he is!

Tears are streaming quietly down Arthur’s face, and he hates how Merlin has the power to put him into a state like that. Hates that he isn’t good enough for Merlin to be trusted, hates that his heart feels dark and dead and empty.

There’s no way he can face Merlin again. Not with that image in his head and the anguish in his heart nearly consuming him. No, he will end this ruthlessly, quick and neat. Why should he give a damn? Why should he? Merlin’s certainly not afraid of hurting him. And most likely he won’t even care.

 

oooooooooooooooooooo

 

Five hours later Merlin is saying his good-bye to his last client. He’s been feeling a bit light-headed all morning. Doing a therapy session with Lance that early was probably not a good idea. He can still feel the aftermath of it all over his body.

Just as the client leaves Gwen is coming towards him.

“Merlin….”  There’s something on her face and something in her voice that alarms Merlin immediately.

“What’s wrong, Gwen?”

“Arthur’s just phoned.” She hesitates, and Merlin is starting to panic.

“Has something happened to him?” Merlin pales at the thought. Why else would Gwen look that severe?

“No.” Gwen swallows heavily. “He …” She falters, clearly unable to continue.

“Gwen, what is it?!  Tell me what’s going on!” Merlin almost shouts as his worry hits the roof.

“He said he wants to thank you for your expert services and that he is happy to inform you he has reconciled with his wife. He won’t need any more appointments and congratulates you on another resounding success.” Gwen presses her lips together at the end. She can barely look at Merlin.

“What?” This must be some kind of horrible joke. Why would Arthur do something like that? Merlin feels the blood drain from his face, while heat flushes all over him. He can hardly form a thought for the noise of his heart drumming at double speed.

“You’re sure it was him?” he asks in complete disbelief, and Gwen nods.

“This is some kind of mistake.” Merlin is sure about it. This doesn’t make any sense at all. They both had a brilliant time and fabulous sex at the weekend. They were happy. Really happy. There could have been no mistake about that. He would have sensed it. 

Merlin is totally shell-shocked. He pulls out his mobile.

@MerlinEm:   What’s going on?

He waits, but there’s no answer. Arthur’s always texted him back right away do far.

@MerlinEm:  What has happened?

Merlin falls into the seat in his office five minutes later. Arthur still hasn’t answered.

@MerlinEm:  Is this Uther’s work?

An hour later Merlin’s mobile is still silent. If that isn’t some kind of sign, nothing is. But he doesn’t understand. Arthur’s silence leaves him completely horrified and dumbfounded. This has come like a bolt out of the blue.

He tries one more time and sends another text.

@MerlinEm:  Arthur? Tell me what’s wrong.

Needless to say it’s for nothing. By the time Merlin returns home in the late afternoon he’s sent at least twenty texts. None has been answered.

Merlin sinks onto the sofa, feeling sick. He is wrecking his brain what could have happened. Maybe Uther said or did something, put more pressure on Arthur or forced him to stop the counselling. From what Arthur said the day before Uther was getting impatient for results. Maybe he sent Arthur to another counselling agency?

His mind is going round in circles until it hits him. No, it is none of that. 

It can only be what he has always feared. The longing look on Arthur’s face when he was staring at his chest the last morning of their holiday is still ingrained on his brain.  It was full of sorrow and dejection. Even though he’d been half asleep he had picked up on how tense Arthur had been. How much he wanted to touch.

There’s no doubt that Arthur cares for him. Merlin is sure about that. He can sense it.  Unfortunately that’s exactly where the problem lies. He has been showering Arthur with physical attention all the time. But Arthur isn’t able to give it back in the same way. He is desperate to touch because he wants to feel his skin, hold him, make him revel in that intimacy, too. Instead he has to buck away and be careful where he puts his hands all the time. This is it. Merlin just knows. And his heart shatters like a window in a bomb blast.

“I have to think about this very carefully,” Arthur had said when they talked about Uther and their situation.

Well, he’s obviously done that and made a decision. Arthur is giving up on him because being together hurts too much. Because he can’t see a way ahead with their relationship. Because Merlin isn’t able to give him what he needs.

It looks as if history is repeating itself all over again.

That Arthur couldn’t be bothered facing Merlin, telling him in person that it is over is painful. Merlin would have appreciated the honesty. Arthur must have been afraid of a confrontation and has chosen the easy way out. He doesn’t want to see his pain and his tears.

Still, Merlin doesn’t get it. How can someone like Arthur, who he thought was the kindest and most generous person he’s ever met, do something like that? After the amazing time they had together. It doesn’t make sense. None at all. But it’s still happened.

He wonders if Arthur has been thinking about this for a while. Maybe that’s why he took him to Wales? To soften the blow. It seems that those few days were Arthur’s parting present. A kind of prolonged good-bye. Like a sugar coating a bitter pill. 

Merlin was so sure how they felt about each other. How could he have never noticed something wasn’t right? But none of that matters now because Arthur’s definitely gone. Reconciled with Vivien. Surely not! How can he even consider it? 

Merlin knows all he can do is to accept Arthur’s decision. He understands how hard living with him must have been for him. That coping with his condition is simply too much to ask of anyone.

Merlin can’t eat that evening, and he doesn’t sleep all night. He decides in the morning, as pathetic as that makes him, to try and text Arthur one more time.

@MerlinEm:  Talk to me. Please.    

His text bounces back within seconds. ‘This number has not been recognized,’ it says. 

Shit. This is taking the biscuit. Arthur must have blocked his phone number. Merlin can’t take any of this in, is simply unable to understand that Arthur has cut all ties with him from one minute to the next.

Merlin cancels all his appointments for the following week because there’s no way he can deal with other people’s problems in the state he’s in.

Gwen knocks on the door before she goes to work the next morning to check on him. “Merlin, are you alright?” She sounds worried, and she has every reason to be.

Merlin isn’t sure what he’s going to do now. With his fucking fucked up life. He tries to have a cup of tea, but it simply won’t slide down. He tries to eat, but the first bite gets stuck in his throat, and the smell of food makes him even more nauseous.

So he just hides in his bedroom, pulls the blanket over his head and cries. Eventually he is so exhausted he falls asleep. And when he wakes, he just lies there staring at the ceiling, completely unable to move or do anything. 

Everything inside him craves for Arthur. To touch him, to see him throwing his head back when he is laughing, to hear Arthur call him an idiot in such a loving tone it sounds like an endearment. To hear his voice and see the excitement in his eyes when he shows him something he likes.

Merlin shouldn’t really revel in these memories, he knows it. How often has he advised clients not to do just that! But whatever he does, every thought returns to Arthur. And how this bloody condition has ruined his life yet again.

At one point he decides that it’s maybe best to pretend he doesn’t exist. And he lets himself plunge into the deep, dark hole that’s opened up beneath him, and he remains there for a while, unable to get out again.

Four days later he hears some insistent knocking on the door. Gwen tried twice every day to get in. But he just told her to go away, and so far she has. His mobile has been ringing regularly, but Merlin chose to ignore it. He is in no condition to talk to anyone. The knock on the door is loud and forceful now.

“Let me in, Merlin!” Lance is obviously back from his course, and has been alerted by Gwen that he’s behaving like a moron. Nonetheless Lance sounds really worried.

When Merlin doesn’t reply, Lance is getting annoyed and agitated. “Open the fucking door or I’ll get the police!”

Merlin gives in because he knows Lance is bloody serious. He remembers that he once told him he did just that with someone who was in therapy with him.

Merlin staggers to the front door and unlocks it. Lance takes one look at him and his eyes well up. “Fuck, Merlin.  You look like death.”

Merlin checks himself with a vague glance in the hall mirror. No, he isn’t exactly a picture of happiness. He is really pale and has big shadows under his eyes. And his hair is all over the place and he stinks. He is reeking the waves of sweat and tears.

“Go and get tidied up,” Lance orders, the tone suggesting that saying no isn’t an option. In a way Merlin is glad someone is taking over. Because he’s got neither the energy nor the willpower.

Finally they sit at the kitchen table, having a cup of tea. Well, Merlin tries to. In very little sips.

“Have you eaten at all in the last four days?” Lance asks quietly, clearly aware this is a rhetorical question even before Merlin shakes his head to confirm his suspicions.

“You know this can’t go on, don’t you?” Lance continues.

Merlin sighs deeply and nods. Yes, of course he knows, but he really can’t think ahead just now. Lance looks at the pile of devastation that is Merlin. And suddenly anger rises inside him. Merlin had been doing well until this happened. This affair with Arthur has thrown him light-years backward. Merlin was coping with life and what has happened to him. But this has clearly pushed him off the cliff. And it pains Lance more than he can say that his friend has to suffer even more than he already has.

All down to “Fucking Arthur Pendragon,” Lance just realizes he has said it aloud.

Merlin looks up, his stomach clenching just for hearing Arthur’s name.

“It isn’t his fault I’m like this.” And then his head sinks over his arms totally deflated.

“You think he’s left because of your fear?” Lance shakes his head. If this is true Arthur is even more of a prat than he thought before.

“You want to talk about what happened, then?” Lance suggests.

Merlin thinks about it for a second, but then the whole story breaks out of him. When he finishes Lance shakes his head in confusion. “That seems really random. To do this after the brilliant time you had.” Lance sounds flabbergasted and inwardly curses at Arthur for being such a bastard. That he manages to drop Merlin in the blink of an eye without as much as a word of explanation.

“Look, before we do anything else, you need something in your stomach,” Lance says and then proceeds to produce scrambled eggs on toast. He watches patiently while Merlin slowly forces the meal down, bit by bit. “Good.” He is pleased that at least something has ended up in Merlin’s stomach.

“What are you going to do now?” Lance asks quietly, but Merlin only shrugs his shoulders.

“Nothing to be done. Just get on with life, I suppose,” he says in a rather defeatist and gloomy manner. If he is honest he doesn’t really care what happens next. 

“I’ll go back to work next week.” He attempts a smile, but it comes out like a half- hearted smirk.

Lance knows Merlin will need time to deal with this and that he can’t ask too much at once.

“Right,” he acknowledges Merlin’s words. “But you promise me to eat?”

Merlin pulls his face into a grimace. “I promise.”

“I’ll phone you once a day, and Gwen is going to check you every morning till you go back to work. Okay?”                                                                                                        

Merlin nods again. “Lance?” he calls before his friend makes his leave. “Thanks.” And then he hugs Lance as tight as he’s able to.

And Merlin does as he promised. He returns to Rapport and starts eating. Well, at least a little bit. It is probably not that much, but it is something. He has a meal a day, like a bit of toast and cheese or a bowl of porridge or a small plate of pasta. And a few cups of tea and coffee. He doesn’t seem to have the need for more. No, he’s coping fine like that.

Okay, as the weeks have gone by he’s had to punch two more holes into his belt so his jeans don’t to fall down, and his clothes do appear a size too big all of a sudden.  But this is nothing to worry about. A good T-shirt covers up all that nicely.

After a few weeks Gaius can’t help but stop him and call him into his office.

“Merlin, my boy,” he says as gives him a careful hug. “How are you feeling?”

What is Merlin supposed to answer? That he’s dying inside a little bit more every day because he misses Arthur so much. That he can’t see a future ahead without him and that he’s pretty certain he will never have a lasting relationship with anyone.

“I’m alright,” Merlin answers non-committal, looking away.

“I’m sure you aren’t.” Gaius gives him that look that goes straight through him. “Have you checked yourself in the mirror lately?” His voice is serious.

Merlin sighs. No, he actually hasn’t. He’s been very good at avoiding it. Because looking away is easy.

“You’re punishing your body for what’s happened.” Gaius comes straight to the point.  “Do you know what I mean?”

Merlin does understand it, but can’t see what he’s able to do about it. He is simply not hungry. He finds it difficult to even think about food. But he is ticking over, isn’t he?

“I can give you some medication to help you,” Gaius suggests, but Merlin shakes his head.  

“I’ll be fine, Gaius,” he tries to assure his mentor.

Gaius pauses. “If you aren’t looking any better within three weeks, I will take steps to help you, whether you like it or not.” And he sounds dead serious.

“An ultimatum, then?” Merlin grins half-heartedly.

“Yes. That’s what this is.” Gaius smiles and puts his hand on Merlin’s. “I won’t abandon you when you need me.”

Merlin grabs Gaius’s hand and squeezes it. He is grateful for his concern and appreciates what he’s doing for him. He is damn lucky to have Gaius in his life who stands by him, whatever.

But somehow the empty feeling in his stomach seems to mirror his state of mind. He feels dead and hollow, apart from the sharp pain around his heart area. He is pretty much aware of that. Because it hurts all the time, never lets go, reminds him non-stop that he won’t see Arthur again and that his happiness was short-lived, yet again.

“Oh and Merlin...,” Gaius says as Merlin turns round to leave. “Uther has forked out a substantial bonus for you.”

Merlin blanches. God, he certainly doesn’t want that money. He never earned it to start with. And it does feel so completely wrong.

“Donate it to charity, Gaius,” he says quietly and then quickly leaves the room.

As it turns out Merlin isn’t quite correct about not seeing Arthur again, even if it isn’t in person. Because a week later he picks up a paper on the way home. He likes reading the news when he has his dinner which is a plate of tomato soup and a roll today.

Merlin just lifts the spoon to his mouth when he turns to the second page of the tabloid to find Arthur’s face staring back at him. He drops the spoon which ends up with a big splash in the bowl, spluttering tomato soup all over the table. He doesn’t even notice.

There is Arthur, tightly holding on to Vivien. The picture is from the annual Save the Children Charity Ball. They look gorgeous, both of them. Dressed in fabulous evening wear. Arthur smiles widely at his wife who looks up at him admiringly. Merlin’s insides clench fiercely. This could be one of those cheesy PR photos for American politicians seem to favour, it’s so disgustingly sweet.

As Merlin glances over the article he snaps up the main bits of information. ‘Perfect couple.’  ‘Handsome and rich.’  ‘Beginning of a new dynasty.’ ‘Some people seem to have it all.’ ‘A fairy-tale marriage.’ and it goes on and on. A wave of nausea washes over Merlin. No, he can’t take any of this, and whatever appetite he might have had, it has certainly evaporated in thin air now.

Arthur looks happy. Vivien looks happy. It’s like a stab into an open wound.

Merlin pushes the paper off the table and the pages fly across the kitchen to land strewn in all directions on the floor. He grits his teeth in anger and torment. Arthur obviously moved on pretty swiftly. He found his way back to that bitchy wife of his in no time at all. It seems that they deserve each other.

Merlin gets up to put the TV on to watch the news hoping this might take his mind off things. But to add insult to injury there’s a report about the Charity Ball. And the first interview is with Arthur. Merlin swears and lifts the remote to switch the TV off, but then Arthur starts talking and he simply can’t do it.

“We’re very happy at Pendragon Industries to support a worthy cause like this,” Arthur tells the reporter giving his most dazzling smile. Then he goes on to describe what efforts his company has made to help the cause. A couple of sentences in Vivien appears and leans into him. Merlin watches mesmerized when Arthur automatically pulls her close. He’s only too aware he shouldn’t be watching this, knows this will make everything worse again, but he is like frozen to the spot, compelled to watch and listen to Arthur’s voice and see his face. His eyes seem to look straight at him.

“Children are really very much at our heart,“ Vivien adds at that moment and sends the reporter a revealing smile.

The guy immediately clicks onto what she might suggest. “Does that mean we might expect some major news from you soon?” he asks excitedly. 

Vivien’s about to answer when Arthur jumps in. “Well, we don’t want to give too much away just now.” And chuckles. He CHUCKLES. He doesn’t see Vivien smiling behind his back and nodding ever so slightly with her head.

The reporter appears rather jubilant as if he’d just landed a major coup, but then he moves on to the next celebrity. Merlin doesn’t hear any of it.

It is barely three months since Arthur left him. And now it seems there’s a baby on the way already. Which means that Arthur must have gone straight back to his wife and he must have … Merlin doesn’t even want to think about it. Because it means that whatever they’d had, couldn’t have meant a toss to Arthur in the end.

Merlin is shaking with sobs now. His heart is shouting ‘No! That can’t be! Can’t be!’ But his common sense tells him this is what MUST have happened. 

Doesn’t that show that Arthur was just playing around? Probably experimenting, trying things out at a time when he needed some diversion? Merlin feels confused and utterly betrayed.

And then his gaze falls onto his hand. Arthur’s ring is still there. He hasn’t had the heart to take it off so far, but now he slips it off his finger and looks at it, while the last tiny hope that maybe, just maybe, there might have been a way one day they would find each other again, is crushed into smithereens.

Merlin gets a small padded envelope and drops the ring into it. Then he takes a piece of paper and writes one sentence on it. That should make things clear enough. And he will post this straight away. Before he goes all weak again and changes his mind.  He feels quite light-headed today, and when he gets up from the sofa, a wave of nausea and dizziness hits him with a vengeance. He needs to hold on to the seat to breathe slowly until he feels a bit better.

He is still determined to put a stamp on that letter now. But he needs to hurry because the post office is near closing time. He moves as fast as he can, getting a bit out of breath on the way, but just makes it. This is the last step. The final good-bye.

Feeling mentally and physically exhausted Merlin makes his way slowly back to the flat. It is a hot day, and the heat is getting to him. Sweat starts pouring down his back and off his forehead. Strange, how things are quite blurry, just not in focus. Odd, how some of the street-lights seem to sway. 

Merlin walks slowly, step by step, fully concentrating on what he’s doing. When he eventually arrives at the entrance door of the apartment block, he faces the staircase rising before him. It looks steep and never-ending. The way up to his flat suddenly seems incredibly far.

His legs feel like jelly and strangely unattached to his body. His head starts spinning so hard, he is in dire need to hold on to the rail. Sheer willpower carries him to the first floor, taking a step at the time. He stops shortly to take a breath on the landing. Sweat is collecting above his brow and dripping slowly over his cheeks, but he doesn’t really know it is there. He has to concentrate too much on keeping upright and reaching his flat.

Determined, he soldiers up the second flight of stairs, and he almost reaches the top, but just almost. As he is about to take the last step the world suddenly goes black.

He isn’t aware that his unconscious body loses balance and topples down the stairs. Which is just as well, because it spares him from feeling the pain of the fall, and the intense agony when his left arm is crushed under his weight on the way down. Not to mention the sharp sting when his head hits the edge of the last stair.

Merlin finally ends up on the landing below, his limbs stretched out in a most unnatural way. Blood is gushing out of his head wound, trickling softly on the marble floor, creating a little crimson pool underneath him.

 


	14. Cutting ties

Arthur switches his mobile off and stares at it. This is it. He has done it. Cut himself free from Merlin. What he has done isn’t the honourable thing. He knows it, but he’s too angry and too hurt to feel regret about that. At this moment he neither wants to see or speak to Merlin ever again.

He is still trying to come to terms with what he witnessed this morning. All of it seems so wrong, so out of character. But then, he can hardly ignore the facts. The whole situation was pretty damning, and two months isn’t that long a time to really know someone in and out. Merlin has had at least one secret, he is sure of it.  None of that matters at all anymore, of course.  

God, he can hear his father’s voice telling him what a stupid arse he is. To risk everything for what? Some gay bloke who took advantage of him? For a little diversion from his problems? For a bit of fun? No, he has thoroughly burnt his wings the first time he’s really broken out of the mould set for him since birth.

Arthur decides he will give himself a week to make up his mind what exactly he wants to do next. Just now he can’t think, can’t even comprehend that what he’s had with Merlin for a few weeks is gone forever.

It is hard to imagine his life without Merlin, his humour, his laughs, his soothing hands and …. Arthur tears himself out of the thought. This is decidedly NOT healthy. They are finished. Or rather he is finished with Merlin. Because judging by the constant pinging of his mobile it seems that Merlin is desperately trying to contact him.

He is forcing himself not to read the texts. But he doesn’t delete them immediately either. He leaves them there until the evening, when he settles on the sofa in his apartment and stares out onto the rooftops of London. He has never felt more alone and desperate. 

Arthur checks his mobile to find more than twenty texts waiting to be read. As he suspected, they’re all from Merlin. His finger is hovering above the delete button for quite a while. Something inside him wants to know what he is saying, what excuse he might dish up. But his brain tells him that this isn’t a good idea. It might sway him, tear at his heartstrings…. No! He’s made his decision, and he’s going to stick with it.  His eyes didn’t lie and he knows what he has seen. 

One little touch and all the messages are gone. And to make sure that he doesn’t have to go through this hell again he goes ahead and blocks Merlin’s number.   

He really needs someone to talk to, but who on earth can he trust with something as momentous and secret as that? Certainly no one in his immediate vicinity. In fact, there’s only one person. 

At any sign of trouble Morgana was always there for him when they grew up, as he was there for her. It wasn’t exactly easy living in the Pendragon household with all its rules and regulations. Arthur misses his sister and her acute common sense all the time. And they both have been sloppy about keeping in contact.

“How are you, Morgana?” Arthur tries to sound cheerful when she picks up the phone.

“I’m great. I’m so sorry for not being in contact, but so much is happening here.” Morgana goes into vivid descriptions about her job and how much fun it is immediately. How much she loves her life in the States, particularly since she met Leon a few months ago who is pretty much everything she ever wanted in a bloke and who has amazing talents when it comes to doing business.

“My God, you should have seen how he dealt with the notoriously difficult Olaf Gates.  He wrapped him round his little finger in no time and secured a multi-million dollar deal within days.” Morgana’s voice is warm and full of admiration. She certainly seems to be heavily involved with this Leon, and more importantly she sounds happy. Just at this point Morgana realizes she’s been talking and talking, and Arthur has given nothing but monosyllabic answers.

“Arthur?” she asks suddenly, worry in her voice. “Are you alright?”

Arthur takes a deep breath before he answers truthfully, “Not really. No.”

“You want to talk?” Morgana’s heard the trembling in his voice and knows immediately that whatever it is must be quite serious. Arthur isn’t one for showing his emotions or asking to talk about them.

God, where to start?  Arthur thinks about it and puts it simply.

“I fell in love,” he squeezes out, crippled by the stabbing pain inside him.

“I assume we aren’t talking about Vivien here,” Morgana replies rather dryly. She has never understood how Arthur could have been talked into marrying that cow. That was when she realized she had to get out of London before she suffered a similar fate.

“No.” Arthur almost smiles, thinking of all the arguments between his sister and his then fiancée. Morgana even advised him not to marry her at the time. He really should have listened. But he was too keen to meet his father’s approval and didn’t want to disappoint.

“I fell in love with a man.” Arthur takes the next step, hearing Morgana gasp audibly at the momentous revelation. There’s a slight pause, before she reacts.

“Shit,” is her first reaction. Arthur has always been a ladies’ man. This is quite a surprise. Well, that’s putting it mildly. She can’t remember Arthur showing any signs of interest in men before.

“He must be pretty special, then,” she says quietly. “If you’re willing to take the risk of seeing him.” Being Uther’s daughter, she is probably the only one who fully understands exactly how much Arthur is risking.

“I thought he was.”  Arthur voice is shaking with suppressed anguish.

“I see.” Morgana is getting the picture now. “You broke up?”

And then the whole story pours out of Arthur, and when he finishes he’s unable to contain the sob that’s been sitting in his throat since the beginning of the conversation.

“Wouldn’t it be a good idea to at least challenge him about this boyfriend?” Morgana tries to be helpful and logical, but Arthur isn’t ready for common sense.

“I really can’t bear it, Morgana. Just the thought of looking at him ….” Arthur’s voice falters.

“That bad? Is it?” Morgana is shocked by the depth of feeling Arthur seems to have for this Merlin guy. Because it is totally out of character for her brother to finish a relationship the way he did. He’s always been the noble one who was generous and understanding. Much more than her, that’s for sure.

“You’re sure you don’t want to talk to him?” she tries again.

“Can’t,” Arthur mumbles. No, this is definitely not an option. To hear Merlin admitting that he is going out with that guy would probably kill him at this moment in time. The best survival technique is decidedly to keep his distance.

“I’m so sorry, Arthur.” Morgana means it. Arthur deserves some happiness, and it’s all too clear that this is never going to happen with Vivien. How unfair, that the one time he has fallen in love, and such a risky love at that, he’s been so bitterly disappointed.

“Thanks for listening,” Arthur mutters.

“Oh God! I’m such an idiot!” Morgana calls out when she goes over their discussion. “And I gave you an earful about Leon and how happy I was and……” She feels really rather guilty now because it must have added to Arthur feeling rotten.

“Don’t be daft, Morgana.” Arthur voice is full of affection. “I’m so pleased for you. I hope Leon deserves you.”

“Oh, Arthur. He does.” Morgana sounds a little heart-broken herself. This is typical Arthur. He always put her happiness above his. “Just give me a ring if you need to talk,” she adds, before they end their conversation. “Any time…. Okay?”

“Thanks, Morgana. I’m glad you’re there.” Arthur puts the phone down, feeling somewhat relieved after talking, the heart-ache however, hasn’t lessened even a tiny bit.

The next few days are a challenge in itself. Arthur walks round like a zombie, while the gaping hole inside him seems to grow day by day. But he is a Pendragon. He’s been brought up to push his feelings aside and put a brave mask on, and he can proudly claim that no one even notices that he is quite beside himself. Work takes his mind off things and he immerses himself entirely in meetings and files and reports.

The realization that work is a solace to him finally decides what he should do.

He will simply do what’s expected of him. And not go off on wild adventures without thinking about the consequences. That was his mistake to start with. That he thought his life could be different, that he could have some love and some happiness.

He has always been destined to follow in his father’s footsteps and take over the Pendragon Empire. His path has been mapped out for him since day one and it’s been governed by a strict moral and social code. Although he hated the confinement of the rules he was made to obey, he can see they also made his life very safe. And that’s what he needs just now. Feeling safe. Because he has no idea how to cope with the pain of losing Merlin. It hurts so much that just the thought twists his insides into a super tight knot.

No, he will concentrate on his work, and the growth and sustenance of the Pendragon Empire will be his first priority. Drowning himself in the affairs of the company will take away the torment he feels inside. It will push the memory of Merlin into a dark corner of his consciousness.

But he will do this on his terms. Not on Uther’s and not on Vivien’s.

As a first step he will return to his house and live under a roof with his wife. And he will decide for how long. Because there’s no way he is ever going to reconcile with her again. But his action should appease Uther for the moment and it’ll give him time to think about his next move.

When he enters the vast hall of his house the next day and looks round, it feels strange. As if he doesn’t belong here. He remembers picking all the furniture and pictures together with Vivien. Even though she has many faults she does have a good eyes for aesthetics, and there can be no doubt that the house is absolutely stunning.

“Arthur?” Vivien has heard the door and comes through from the living room, looking at him in total surprise. “What are you doing here?” 

“Well, this is my house, too,” Arthur says rather sarcastically.

“You mean, you’re back to stay?” Vivien is gaping at him openly now.

“Looks like it,” Arthur answers dryly. “For the moment.”

Vivien grins and walks up to him to put her hands round his neck. “Has that marriage counsellor finally drummed some sense into your head?” she asks and motions to draw him close for a kiss. Arthur flinches back as if he’d been bitten by a poisonous snake. He slowly takes Vivien’s wrists and takes her arms off his shoulders.

“I think you might get the wrong idea here, Vivien.” Arthur pauses and looks at her intently, noting confusion crossing her face.

“Nothing’s changed between us.” Vivien’s biting her lip and her brows furrow as she listens intently to every word.  “Apart from one thing.”

Vivien looks up at him in anticipation.

“I know now that this marriage is over. But I do understand that it’s highly beneficial for both our families. It isn’t something I want to risk lightly by announcing a divorce too quickly. The business side of it will have to be sorted out by my lawyers, first.”  

Vivien is staring at Arthur. This is not AT ALL what she expected. Arthur wants to divorce her. HER. Who could have any man she wants by the click of a finger.

“My father won’t be pleased about this.” Vivien throws in, with a bit of threat in her voice. It is no secret how close the financial empires of their families are entwined and how much power Uther has over Arthur. “Nor will yours as a matter of fact.” She raises her eyebrows, waiting for an answer.

“I’m aware of all that. I don’t want this to turn into a full-blown financial war which could damage both our families. That’s why I think it is in the best interest of all if some solutions are on the table by the time we make the announcement. I have already spoken to Geoffrey Monmouth, and his team has started working on it.”

“You really think you can keep this from Uther for any length of time?” Vivien smirks.

“My lawyers know how to be discreet, and it is only for the best if you keep your silence, too.”

Vivien does understand what he means. She isn’t the daughter of a mega rich industrial mogul for nothing. Things like divorce and scandal can have a rather detrimental effect on the business side of things.

And as for Arthur, well, it would have been nice to keep him because he is cute and has a pretty hot body, but, at the end of the day, there are plenty of other eligible guys out there who are only too willing to do anything for her and treat her like a queen. And no doubt she can keep the Pendragon name after the divorce. That’s a definite bonus as it opens many doors and offers lots of privileges. Of course she will end up with a rather agreeable pay-off after the divorce, too, if she plays along just now. 

“So what happens in the time up to the divorce announcement?” Vivien wonders in a rather calculating manner.

“In the next few weeks we are going to live together under one roof to avoid any suspicion and keep up public appearances playing the happy couple.” Vivien has started smirking as if she has an idea what’s coming next.

“In private, however, we are two separate people. You can go your way and I’m going mine. Do you understand?”

“You mean you don’t give a fuck if I go out with someone else?” Vivien prefers to be blunt.

“If you want to put it like that, no.” Arthur’s voice is indifferent and factual, but he cringes at her crudeness inwardly. “You can do as you like as long as you are discreet and don’t drag the Pendragon name into the mud.”

“Okay. Let’s play this by your rules, then,” Vivien agrees readily. “But you have to excuse me now. I’ve got a tennis lesson in half an hour.” 

And she turns round and disappears through the front door. She’s already late to meet Kay for her coaching. And she can’t wait to get there because he has been a great laugh and a brilliant fuck in the last few weeks. If Arthur thinks she would wait for him to give her permission to do as she likes he’s had another thing coming.  Vivien shakes her head, giggling under her breath. Arthur is really way too noble to live in the real world and such a fool.

Arthur watches her leave and wonders how on earth he could have ever married that woman. Then he proceeds to get settled in the east wing of the house, where the guest rooms are.

The next days and weeks rush past very quickly because Arthur is throwing himself whole-heartedly into his work. Even Uther has noticed that he spends an enormous amount of time in the office, and of course he’s quietly pleased. It seems his son has finally understood what being a Pendragon really means. 

What pleases Uther even more is Arthur and Vivien’s reconciliation and them living together again. He phoned Gaius personally to thank him and Merlin for a job well done. It took longer than he expected, but now all seems well. In fact, he was so delighted he donated a substantial amount of money to Rapport and awarded Merlin an extra bonus. Yes, things are finally falling into place.

It is the day before the Save the Children Charity Ball. Arthur is just getting ready to leave the office when the phone rings.

“Mr. Pendragon?” says the voice on the phone. “Paton Street Gynaecologists.”

“You’re sure you’ve got the right number?” Arthur chuckles down the phone in bewilderment.

“I’m sorry to bother you, but we have to reschedule Mrs. Pendragon’s appointment tomorrow morning for the next scan and I can’t reach her on her mobile.”

Arthur freezes and then reacts in a shot. “So can I give her a message?”

“Yes, please tell her she should come in on Friday at 10 o’clock.” The lady on the phone pauses. “And congratulations, Mr. Pendragon.”

Arthur puts down the phone, stunned into silence. Vivien is pregnant.

Shock numbs him for a minute, but then he grimaces because he sees the irony in the situation. Uther is so desperate for an heir and throws rather unsubtle hints about it all the time. And now Vivien is pregnant, but the baby isn’t his.  

He knows she has spent a substantial amount of nights away recently, but he doesn’t care and doesn’t ask. She’s doing what they agreed, playing the happy wife to perfection when they are in public. That’s all he needs. There’s no way Vivien can claim that the baby is his. And a paternity test will easily prove that anyway.

Arthur wrinkles his brows. Now THAT will be quite a bit of news to explain to Uther. But there can be no doubt that this new development will make things easier for him.  Because it gives him a much stronger position when he’s filing for the divorce.

An hour later he is back home and finds Vivien getting ready for the ball. Arthur does not hesitate to let the cat out of the bag.

“The Clinic has rescheduled you for Friday at 10,” he simply states and Vivien looks up, her eyes wide in horror.

“Arthur…,” she stutters and turns awfully pale. She realizes this will cost her dearly.  One of the paragraphs in their prenuptials states clearly that in case of a breakup the offending party will lose substantial amounts of money. And she damns the day when she got carried away with Kay and neither had brought any condoms. She had been so sure she was safe.

But she wonders if it isn’t possible to avert the worst if she can influence public opinion in her favour. Playing the wronged woman somehow. Well, you have to bend the truth a little bit to get what you want. Arthur will have to do something to save face if people know about her pregnancy. And that could be to her benefit.

The interview at the Ball offers a perfect opportunity for her plans. Of course the reporter will immediately latch onto her hints and lap the story up. He wouldn’t be a reporter if he didn’t. And he will try to find out more. 

If Arthur wants to avoid the story going all over the news and cause suspicious rumours and stories, he should be happy enough to make the conditions of her divorce a little bit more… agreeable to keep her quiet and out of the way. Vivien giggles when she sets her plan into action.

Arthur can hardly believe Vivien’s stunt during the interview. What the heck is wrong with that woman? Does she really believe she can hoodwink him like that?

“If you think you can blackmail me, think again,” he hisses at her as they leave the Ball.

“Well, if you want to avoid a scandal, you’ll simply have to convince me not to talk about this in public,” Vivien replies, as smug as she could be. “I’m sure the press would love to hear how badly you treated me so I had to find comfort in the arms of another man.”

“Be careful.” Arthur grits his teeth, determined not to let Vivien have her way. He will not get involved in discussing this further before he’s spoken to his lawyers.

“Is it true?” Uther is on the phone just ten minutes after the interview. He sounds exhilarated and excited and keen to hear some confirmation of the news he’s been craving for the last few years.

“I will have to speak to you about this, father.” Arthur tries to remain calm. “But in person and not just now. It is too soon to come to any conclusions.” Arthur keeps his answer as non-committal as he can. There’s no way he’s going to talk about this on the phone. He certainly has to think properly about how to broach the subject to his father.

“Uther?” Vivien smirks when he puts the phone down. “He is so ready for some news, isn’t he?”

“If you just utter as much as one word about this to my father before the end of next week I will make personally sure that you walk away from this marriage with as little as possible. Scandal or not.” Arthur can be quite threatening if he needs to. He does mean it, and Vivien is clever enough to know when to give it a break. She’s done her bit and now she can afford to let it stew.

The following day Arthur immediately notices the small, padded envelope amongst the letters when his PA puts the mail on his desk. He pulls it out and his heart drops when he recognizes Merlin’s handwriting.

Merlin. He has worked so much and been so tired he has almost managed to push the memory away completely. But the stabbing pain inside him is immediately back now, as strong as it was three months ago. Images of Merlin and that guy float around his head, and he needs to take a deep breath. No, he can’t open this in the office. He has no idea what it might do to him.

Arthur sticks the letter into his pocket and carries it around all day until he gets home at nine in the evening. He pours himself a glass of whisky and settles in the sofa chair in the living room. Then he takes the letter in both hands and stares at it. 

Memories of Merlin laughing and teasing him wash over him. Merlin holding him as close as possible, Merlin staring into his soul with those blue eyes of his, Merlin soothing his worries with the mere touch of his hands. And then that weekend in Wales. It had been the happiest three days of his life.

Arthur has no idea how long he’s been sitting there chasing his thoughts, but he needs to decide whether to open this or not. Before he can overthink it he rips the envelope open and turns it upside down.

The ring falls straight into his lap. The Pendragon ring he wanted Merlin to have, before fate mercilessly crushed his heart. Arthur rubs his thumb gently over the little dragon and closes his palm over it.

Obviously Merlin attaches no emotional value to it any more, doesn’t mind letting go of it. Why would he? He surely found comfort in the arms of that dark-haired guy he is so close to and has deleted their time together completely from his brain.

A small piece of paper sticks out of the envelope. Arthur braces himself before he reads it, not sure what it might say.

 “I can’t keep what was never mine to have,” it says.

Fuck. What a joke! Surely Merlin can’t be serious. Arthur has always been Merlin’s.  Right from the first day they met. It is Merlin who was never Arthur’s. It was him who kept hidden secrets and had a boyfriend on the side. It was him who played the field and didn’t worry how much he might get hurt.

Arthur lets out a sob. Even if common sense dictates this is totally moronic he is suddenly overcome by grief. Tears erupt like a volcano, and he can do nothing to stop their flow. It is the first time he lets his emotions fully go since he broke up with Merlin, and once he allows them out from the depth of his heart, he gets overwhelmed by a tidal wave of anguish. All he can do is let it happen, and so he sits in his soft comfy chair, his fingers tightly wrapped round the ring in his hand and cries.

ooooooooooo

 

When Merlin wakes up, the first thing he sees is the blurr of a blond head of hair in front of him. 

“Arthur,” he mumbles and instinctively reaches out to touch.

“Sorry, Mr. Emrys.” A female voice startles him and when his view gets back to normal, he realizes it is a nurse sitting next to him. “I’m Elena. I’m your night nurse.”  And she smiles at him brightly.

Merlin tries to sit up, but immediately realizes this isn’t a good idea. Nope. His whole body is throbbing with pain. In fact he feels as if a tank had driven over him. There is also a sharp sting on his forehead, and he seems to be attached to some kind of drip.  There are bandages all over his body and a plaster cast on his left arm.

“What happened?” He looks at Elena rather lost. He is totally disorientated and can’t remember a thing at the moment.

“You fell down a staircase.” Elena says with rather serious voice. Merlin furrows his brows, wrecking his brain. Staircase? Staircase? And then it hits him. The ring. The letter. His memory flushes back in an instant, and with them a wave of anguish.

“What’s wrong with me?” he mumbles.

“Malnutrition and exhaustion, a broken arm, a cut on the forehead, concussion, a sprain on your left ankle, one broken rib, bruises all over,…” Elena rattles the list off effortlessly.

“Is that all?” Merlin attempts a grin and a joke. “I thought I was dying.”

“Well, that could have easily happened. You were really lucky you didn’t break your neck!”  The nurse sends him a stern look.

Merlin swallows hard. He could have died. He has been lucky. Lucky. Yeah. Right. He leans back into his pillow and closes his eyes. For some strange reason he’s suddenly able to weigh up his situation from a slightly more objective point of view.  Gaius was right. He was punishing his body for ruining his life again. The body he hates.

But it is the only body he has and he can’t go on punishing himself forever. It is pathetic this whole affair has come to this! That he’s ended up in hospital just because he can’t cope with losing Arthur. It is utterly ridiculous. This has to stop.  Now. He owes this to himself and to the people who care for him. 

The accident has been quite a powerful wake-up call. It is high time he pulls himself together and gets on with life. Really gets on. Not just pretends to. Merlin sighs and vows to himself that he will stop behaving like an idiot. And he is determined to get his dignity back.

Gaius is pleased to hear it when he visits the next day. “I’m so glad you’re seeing sense, my boy,” he says and claps gently on Merlin’s arm. “And I do blame myself for not acting any sooner. All of this could have been avoided….” He shakes his head remorsefully.

“Gaius.” Merlin takes the hand of his friend. “This is my fault and nobody else’s. It looks like I needed to get shaken up a bit.” He gives Gaius a tentative smile.

Seeing Merlin’s face brighten up really makes Gaius’s day. He can’t remember seeing him like that for weeks, even if the smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“You think you’re going to cope?” Gaius searches Merlin’s face for an answer.

Merlin feels an anguished pull inside him, but it isn’t as painful as it was before.

“I don’t think I can stop loving Arthur,” he whispers. “But I realize now I was never in a place to keep him. Not only because of my condition, but also because of who he is.  And what he stands for. It was never going to work, was it?” His voice is dying away with the last few words, and he focuses on the drip in his arm as if it was something magical.

“Most likely not,” Gaius answers with regret, squeezing his hand and then promptly changing the topic of conversation.

“How long are you going to be in for?” he asks.

“Probably another four days. They want to make sure I’m strong enough to walk before they let me go.” He moves his head towards the drip. 

“How has the eating been?” 

Actually it’s been pretty amazing that ever since Merlin woke up after the accident he has been hungry. He has managed to eat three small meals a day which is by far more than anything he’s managed in the weeks before.  It really looks like the accident has snapped something inside and shaken him out of a nightmare.

“I’m going to visit my mum for a while. She’s been worried sick since she’s found out about everything.” Merlin looks a bit guilty. Hunith gave him quite an exasperated ear-full when he phoned her the day before. Well, it was not really a row. Just lots of worried questions. And she more or less insisted he would come back home so she could fatten him up again. Of course Merlin couldn’t argue with that. Not htat he wanted to, either. No, he’s looking forward to going home, and he will use the time to get on with the book. He hasn’t even used all the materials he collected when he was in Mold.

But most of all it will give him peace and distance from London. Which is exactly what he needs to push Arthur to the back of his mind.


	15. Revelations

Arthur is walking up the stairs to Rapport. He isn’t looking forward to this, but it seems that Gaius can be very insistent. Gwen has called weeks ago to ask him to come by to sign the final documents for his counselling. And no, she can’t post them, e-mail them or fax them. Because Gaius wants to talk to him, too. He always does this when a client leaves, and he doesn't compromise on that. It hasn’t been difficult to put this appointment off again and again. He actually does have an amazing amount of engagements. But eventually he’s run out of excuses. So here he is.

Shit. He couldn’t see this further away after his breakdown a couple of nights ago. When he got Merlin's ring back. Arthur presses his lips into a thin line. Just having to come to this place and reliving memories is highly unwelcome, to say the least.

Still, he has made sure his secretary's checked that Merlin’s definitely not at the agency today. From what she says, there’s no need to worry. Because Merlin seems to have taken some time off. He's probably gone on holiday with his boyfriend, Arthur thinks indignantly.

Arthur opens the door and sees Gwen bent over some paperwork. There’s a guy standing next to her, his hand on her shoulder watching what she’s doing. Even Arthur who is usually not too adept at spotting things like that, can see that the gesture is intimate. Their bodies are just too close and Gwen seems to be leaning into his touch. It is for everyone to see that they’re an item.

When Arthur walks up to the reception desk they both startle and look up. That’s the moment when Arthur's heart stops. The guy next to Gwen is the bloke Merlin was making out with. He is here and most obviously involved with Gwen. Shock virtually paralyses Arthur for a second before anger flares up.

What the fuck does that guy think he is doing? First Merlin, now Gwen? What is this all about? What a bloody cheek! He grits his teeth and his eyes bore into Lance's.

Who responds in a very similar way, even for a completely different reason. A second ago he looked at Gwen warmly and with affection. He was looking forward to taking her out for a meal at the end of her day. Now his demeanour has changed to the complete opposite. His eyes measure Arthur coldly, almost with disgust.

"Ah, Mr. Pendragon," Gwen says in the hope to relieve some of the tension sparking between the two men.

But Lance is too incensed, too annoyed for Merlin's sake. Arthur has treated Merlin abominably. He dropped him like a hot potato and not even given an explanation for his behaviour. Lance makes a very quick decision – he will find out why Arthur left. Now. This is the perfect opportunity.

But before he can say anything, Arthur bursts out, "What the heck are you up to?"

Lance looks at him totally taken aback, but retorts quickly. "I was just about to ask you the same question."

They stare at each other for a moment in contempt before Lance breaks the silence. "I think we need to talk."

"I don’t think I have got anything to say to you," Arthur replies coldly.

Lance looks at him. "You really are an arrogant bastard, aren't you?"

Arthur takes a couple of threatening steps towards Lance. He won’t be verbally abused by this moron.

"Do you want to make a scene or act like a responsible adult and give me five minutes of your time?" Lance asks acidly when he notices Arthur's menacing gesture.

Arthur swallows. The guy is ridiculously insulting. But he can’t afford to do what he very much feels like doing. Something like punching his nose or … . However, you can never tell what that blindingly fit bloke is after and he might be quite happy spreading stories about him to the press. It is the last thing he needs a few weeks before he is going to make his divorce public.

"Okay," Arthur agrees reluctantly. "Although I can't see the bloody point." Just having to look at the guy hurts. Images of Merlin wantonly waiting for his touch keep crossing his mind.

Gwen points at the small conference room across the hall. The two men walk through the door and Lance closes it behind him. Then they face each other, hostility and contempt on both their faces.

"What do you want?" Arthur comes straight to the point.

Lance needs to breathe through deeply to keep himself under control. Arthur is so bloody full of himself. It totally beats him what Merlin sees in the guy.

"Have you got any, any idea at all, what you have done to Merlin?" Lance finally pushes out.

Arthur stares at him in disbelief. "What I have done to HIM?" he snorts bitterly. "You must be fucking kidding!"

"You bastard. You just dumped him out of the blue and left him lying in the dirt." Lance's voice is getting heated now and very angry. "The least you can do is to explain yourself."

Arthur can’t believe the insolence and injustice of what Lance is saying. First the guy is fucking Merlin, touching him where HE was never allowed to, making him moan under his hands, being trusted with secrets he was never told…. and now that very man wants him to justify HIS actions?

"Who do you think you are? What the fuck gives you the right to speak to me like that?" Arthur snaps back.

Lance looks at Arthur, realizing in a flash he has got the advantage of knowing exactly who he’s facing, but, of course, Arthur’s never met him before.

"I am Lance. I’m Merlin's therapist." He introduces himself curtly.

Arthur stops short and looks at him totally dumbfounded. His lips repeat the last word mindlessly. "Therapist?"

"He is in therapy with me for his phobia." Lance has been watching Arthur and senses that something is going on. The atmosphere is suddenly much less charged. Actually Arthur is starting to look …. well, shell-shocked would be the word if his experience is anything to go by.

"Therapist?" Arthur repeats again and sinks on to the chair next to the table. He is still processing the monumental news. This can’t be true. Lance is Merlin's therapist. Merlin has been working on his problem. Why the fuck has he never mentioned it? Why didn’t he tell him anything about this?

"How long have you known Merlin?" He can hardly breathe when he says it.

"Since he’s been sixteen." Lance looks at Arthur in surprise at the random question.

"Have you been working with him since then?" Arthur knows the answer before Lance mutters "Yeah."

"You have sessions in the mornings sometimes?" Arthur seems to have totally lost his voice while Lance isn’t quite sure where all these questions are heading. So he just goes with the flow and lets Arthur lead the conversation.

"Yes, we did a couple of morning session," Lance answers and notices how Arthur turns from flushed to pale within a second.

"The morning when Merlin and I came back from Wales?" Arthur is barely whispering now.

"The day you dumped him?" Lance asks brutally. Arthur nods and so does Lance.

"Yes, I remember that one clearly. We made the first real progress that day." And it was also their last session because Merlin was unable to continue after the break-up.

Arthur closes his eyes while his heart plummets into the depths of a very dark and very deep abyss. This explains it all. What he saw that morning and what Lance said then. He knows this is the truth – the earth shattering, devastating revelation that he got it completely, thoroughly, staggeringly… wrong. That he jumped to conclusions and never bothered to check on the facts. Because he was so jealous and hurt. Because he couldn’t bear Merlin trusting someone else more than him.

"Oh fuck." Arthur's head sinks into his hands. "Fuck," he repeats in a quiet sob. "Fuck." And then he remains motionless.

Lance doesn’t quite know how to react. There’s clearly something he is missing. Arthur's attitude and body language have completely changed. He looks like a man squashed by the most horrendous news.

Arthur raises his head, realizing Lance deserves an explanation.

"I saw you and Merlin that day," he starts and then tells Lance everything.

Five minutes later Lance is almost as shocked as Arthur. "God, Arthur." He shakes his head. It is beyond belief how such a minor misunderstanding could lead to such catastrophic results. Arthur acted blindly in a situation where some talking would have sorted everything. But he is in love and by the looks of it, it isn’t just a passing whim. Lance can understand why Arthur reacted the way he did. Love and hurt often come as a tightly-knit package.

Lance measures Arthur from top to toe and searches his distraught face. Okay, he must admit it - he has completely misjudged the man. It is obvious that Arthur still cares for Merlin. A lot. And now he’s sitting here in front of him, slowly digesting what hurt pride and misguided love have done.

"Merlin?" Arthur mutters the one word question hesitantly.

Lance glances at him in uncertainty. "You're sure you want to know?"

Arthur nods while the knot in his stomach tightens further. Fuck. Something really awful must have happened. And whatever it is, it is his fault.

Lance gives an abbreviated account of Merlin's past few weeks, and makes sure he doesn’t leave out any of the really bad bits. Arthur needs to know this, needs to get a grasp on how much Merlin has suffered because of it.

Arthur's hands are clenching into fists – this is unbearable. From what he hears it sounds as if he’s almost destroyed Merlin.

"Where is he now?" Arthur wants to know.

"Still in hospital at the moment." Lance has a fair idea what’s coming next.

"I need to go and see him." Arthur jumps up, upset and still in shock.

"I don't think this is a good idea, Arthur." Lance holds Arthur back at his arm and speaks very calmly. "He is still quite weak. Give him a chance to recover for another week or so before you confront him with all this."

Arthur agrees. Of course. He wouldn’t want to cause Merlin any further harm. It is his doing, after all, that it has come to that.

"He’s going to stay with his mother for a while once he comes out of hospital," Lance explains. "So if you decide to see him, that the best place to go."

"I have to see him, Lance." Arthur is looking rather determined now. "I must try."

Lance does understand and Merlin does deserve to know the truth. Although he isn’t sure whether this will do him any good.

"And Arthur." Lance really needs to say it. "I need you to be hundred percent certain that this relationship is what you really want. If this is something you can carry though. Considering who you are. Because if you aren’t serious, I don’t want you anywhere near Merlin. Do you understand?" Lance is piercing Arthur with a gaze as stern as they get.

Arthur does get it. Lance doesn't want Merlin to get hurt like this again.

When they leave the conference room, they run into Gaius who stops in surprise at seeing them together. He gives Lance a questioning look, but then turns to Arthur.

"Can I have a word, Arthur?" he asks and Arthur follows him into his office. "I am sorry to have bothered you coming in one last time, but I do make it a point to see our clients for a last assessment."

Arthur throws him an uncomfortable glance.

"Don't worry. It is just a chat." Gaius sits down at his chair and motions Arthur to take a seat, too.

"So, how are you and your wife getting on?" Gaius asks with a small smile on his face. For some reason the simple question seems to be loaded with a subliminal meaning.

Arthur swallows hard. He is still in aftershock after the talk with Lance. He blinks a couple of time trying to shake off the feeling of dread that has spread through his body and channels all his energy in concentrating what Gaius is saying.

"I have filed for divorce." There is no point being dishonest. It is going to be all over the news in a few weeks anyway.

"Divorce?" Gaius sounds taken aback a bit and his right eyebrow shoots up. "But you went back to Vivien out of your own accord and left us with the impression you had reconciled?"

"I… .. Gaius…. Merlin…., " Arthur is so uptight and upset he can’t get one sensible sentence together. 

"Look. Whatever happened between Merlin and you….." The old psychologist watches Arthur with empathy. "Anything discussed here is totally confidential if you want to speak about it."

And Arthur takes heart and does exactly that because he needs to get this off his chest, needs to take stock and to find out if Gaius has any idea what Merlin might do when he sees him.

"Do you think he'll forgive me?" Arthur ends his story, desperation and remorse written all over his face. Gaius can’t help but feel incredibly sorry for Arthur, and Merlin too.

"I really don’t know, Arthur." There’s no point in lying. Merlin is rather fragile after the accident and is just beginning to cope. But it he’s starting to draw a line under the whole affair with Arthur and sees a future ahead of him again.

"He’s managed to put some distance between himself and what happened. The accident rattled him and ripped him out of his destructive state of mind."

Arthur grits his teeth. Oh my God. There are no words even vaguely expressing how sorry he is. "So you think there’s no hope left….?" he mutters, totally gutted.

"That will be up to Merlin and you." Gaius smiles kindly and gets up to clap Arthur's shoulder. "There is always hope where there is love. But, to be honest, I have no idea how he’s going to react. I certainly can’t promise anything."

 

oooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Merlin has been to the library all morning. He likes sitting in peace and quiet, twisting words and phrases to say exactly what he wants to express. As always it is like a drug taking his mind off everything and giving him a chance to heal.

He loves being back home, surrounded by familiar things and the loving care of his mother. Even a few days on he feels stronger and healthier, and he has definitely put on a little bit of weight. No wonder when Hunith spoils him with all his favourite dishes.

Of course Arthur is never far from his mind when he isn’t writing. But the anguish is not as acute now, not as piercing as it was before. He has had time to take a more realistic look at their relationship and has come to a few extremely sensible conclusions.

1\. The reality is that Arthur left him. He made his choice and Merlin has to accept that.

2\. His condition played a major role in Arthur's decision. Merlin can’t blame him for that. He is fully aware how difficult it is to live with something like him on a daily basis. He appreciates that being denied what is essentially a basic human need is a bit like slow torture.

3\. It is obvious there was never a chance of fitting into Arthur's life. There is no room whatsoever for a gay relationship. That's for sure. And at that, one that comes with a lot of baggage. Not to even mention Arthur’s status in society.

4\. Arthur is happy with Vivien. Seeing him on TV with her has made that utterly clear. It looks like Vivien is maybe not as bad as Merlin thought. Or has changed for the better when she realized Arthur was on the verge of leaving her. Having a baby together is proof that their relationship is on.

5\. Arthur is where he’s supposed to be, and Merlin has no right to even think about him anymore.

Strangely enough all this common sense doesn’t wipe away the hurt Merlin feels every time he pictures Arthur's face. It doesn’t keep him from dreaming about him. It does nothing at all to kill the pain of missing him every minute of the day. It is powerless to persuade him to forget about Arthur.

What still hurts most of all though is that Arthur never bothered to finish it face to face. To explain to him in person why he left. To end it in a way enabling him to move on. Merlin would have let him go, he is sure of it. Because he loves Arthur and wants him to be happy. He wouldn’t have stood in his way if he felt them being together didn’t work for him – for whatever reason.

Merlin is almost home when he suddenly hears someone shouting his name.

"Merlin!" It sounds like Arthur's voice. God, he’s decidedly spent too much time thinking about him. Now he is actually starting to hear things. Merlin hesitates, but then moves on.

"Merlin!" There it is again and he is pretty sure this time that he isn’t hallucinating.

Merlin stops. Hearing Arthur's voice out of the blue is a total shock. Why is he here? To what purpose? He isn’t ready for this. No. Not anywhere near ready.

Merlin turns round slowly to face Arthur. His heart is missing a couple of beats when his eyes scan the face he loves. Arthur looks pretty much exactly like he remembers him. Bloody gorgeous in every way. Maybe his hair is a bit longer, but apart from that he looks well and healthy. It seems that marriage suits him.

Arthur stares back at Merlin incredulously. Shit, his jaw muscles tighten at the sight of Merlin who has always been thin and gangly, but now looks virtually emaciated. His cheekbones stick out of his face like two misplaced pieces of metal and the cheeks underneath are hollow. There are big dark shadows under his eyes and he appears so fragile, so broken that all Arthur wants to do is take him into his arms. This is his fault. He is responsible for Merlin’s uffering, and he will try to do whatever he can to amend this fucked up situation.

"I made a huge mistake." It breaks out of him. He had prepared what he would say exactly, how he would approach this, but seeing Merlin and seeing him like this has totally blanked his brain.

Merlin stares at him for a second. "So did I. I should have never started this. Let's leave it that." God, seeing Arthur hurts. He is yearning to touch him and feel him, and before he does something completely idiotic, he turns round and continues walking down the pavement.

"Merlin!" Arthur shouts again and something in his voice makes Merlin stop again, against better judgement, against everything his common sense is shouting at him.

"Merlin, I need to talk to you, please." Arthur sounds hoarse, and upset.

It is the 'please' that gets Merlin. It resonates inside him in a way that spells danger for his frail state of mind. He is aware he should listen to his brain rather than his gut instinct, and walk away, but that’s one thing he has never done well. Otherwise he would have never got himself into this mess.

"Talk?" Merlin can’t help but being sarcastic. "That ship has long sailed, Arthur." He vaguely notices how Arthur lets out a pained gasp. Why does he want to talk now? What good would come of it? There’s nothing left to be said. Arthur made clear what he wanted.

Merlin sighs inwardly. This is too much. He gives Arthur a superficial glance and says quietly, "Please don’t make this any harder than it is." It is almost unbearable to stand a few feet away from Arthur, knowing that holding him isn’t an option.

But, belying his thoughts and words Merlin hasn’t moved and he is listening. His eyes are dark and unreadable and Arthur can’t detect the tiniest spark of life in them. It is horrifying, and his guilt is rocketing sky high.

"I met Lance," Arthur pushes out quickly, afraid Merlin will take off any second again.

"So?" Merlin doesn’t get what that has to do with anything.

Arthur takes courage from the fact that Merlin is still there. It is weird that at this moment in time he doesn’t care at all that he is discussing his most private feelings in public, in the middle of the pavement outside Merlin's house. As long as he’s got Merlin listening, he couldn’t give a damn..

"I met Lance," Arthur repeats. "And we had a conversation." Shit, this is harder than he anticipated. Where the hell should he start? It seems there’s no good way to broach this. And why the heck does he feel that tongue-tied suddenly?

 

"I saw you." Arthur tries again and notices that he has caught Merlin's attention.

"I saw you and Lance the morning after we came back from Wales." That is it. Merlin's head shoots up to face him. He remembers that morning with more clarity than anything. That was the day Arthur left.

"You saw us?" he breaks his silence.

Arthur nods. "In your flat. I popped in by before work to return your mobile. You left it in my car."

His mobile! Merlin remembers vaguely looking for it the night before and then assuming he must have left it somewhere in Arthur's stuff. But then it had turned up in his hall, which had been strange, but he hadn’t given it another thought. He has been known to put his phone absented-mindedly into odd places.

"Right." Merlin is slowly starting to grasp where all this is going. Arthur saw them during the therapy. Saw him undressed and Lance touching him. Lance wearing boxer briefs and his T-shirt. Heard him groan under Lance's touch. Saw him aroused and wanting.

"You thought I was cheating on you?" he gasps in complete bewilderment and shakes his head. "THAT is what all this has been about?"

Arthur, mortified and ashamed, doesn’t want to say it aloud, so he simply goes for a nod.

Merlin looks at him, sheer and utter disbelief written on his face. "How could you even think that after the weekend in Wales? How could you believe that after what we had together?"

"What else could I think? I saw you and Lance in what was a damn compromising situation, and it was clear you trusted him with all your secrets," Arthur pushes out defensively. "And the state you were in was pretty telling."

Merlin's head is spinning with all this information. So Arthur truly believed he was making out with Lance that morning. He swallows hard and it becomes suddenly very clear why Arthur reacted the way he did. Arthur felt betrayed and jealous. God, and he had thought…

"I thought you left because you had enough of this…" And he waves at his chest. "and all the restrictions it comes with." He stares straight into Arthur's blue eyes. "Thought you couldn’t put up with it any longer…"

Arthur flinches at the torment looking back at him.

"I know. Lance told me," Arthur whispers and tentatively moves his hand towards Merlin's. Merlin's hand twitches, but then allows Arthur to grab hold of it. They both startle because Merlin's gold reacts almost violently when they touch, surging forward and connecting them instantly.

"Merlin," Arthur whispers. "I’m so sorry. This is all my fault. What happened to you afterwards. It's all my doing. I haven’t got the words to say how sorry I am.”

"This isn’t your fault and there’s nothing to forgive." Merlin shakes his head ferociously.

"What do you mean?" Arthur has no idea what Merlin is talking about.

"I should have told you about Lance and the therapy much sooner. None of this would have happened if you had known." Merlin trembles at the sobering revelation. It seems he had been digging his own emotional grave.

"Why didn’t you tell me?" There is no judgement in Arthur's voice, just wonderment.

Merlin cringes. "I did try to tell you, but each time the opportunity passed and then … it was too late. And …," he hesitates. "I couldn’t bear telling you in case it didn’t work. I didn’t want to raise your hopes that I could be more like every other man, that we could have a normal relationship when there was no guarantee for that."

"As I couldn’t bear the thought you trusted Lance more than me," Arthur admits.

Then, silence descends, and they both stand there trying to come to terms with the truth. Trying to process what has actually happened, and Arthur is still holding Merlin's hand.

"I’m really sorry, too." Merlin whispers and then feels the need to add: "And I always trusted you. I just don’t trust myself."

Arthur grimaces. "Seems, we have both behaved like idiots."

Merlin manages a tiny smile and nods in agreement.

"So, what are we going to do now?" Arthur finally asks, and, God, he is so anxious about this, the worry makes him feel light-headed.

Merlin swallows visibly. Now this is the prime question. He knows there can be only one answer. However, to say it out loud will cost him. More than Arthur will ever know. Because all he wants to do at this moment is put his arms round him and hold him tight. His gold is pulling him towards Arthur, but his mind is keeping him back. He has to stay strong. For both of them.

From what he knows Arthur has got a family to think about now. That is something he will never be able to give him. There can be no doubt that he still wants Arthur. Fuck, that’s putting it mildly. He’s dying to touch him and kiss him and comfort him the way only he can.

But if he does, Arthur will lose the chance to lead the life he is meant to. All he can offer Arthur is more anguish and more complications and more troubles. And Arthur deserves better than this. Deserves a child and a marriage and the future he is destined for.

And so he bites the bullet and says what he thinks he must. "When we met, Arthur, we jumped into this relationship with both feet, without thinking what might come later. We both blanked out reality and never considered what us, being together, actually entailed."

Arthur feels the blood drain from his face. He doesn’t like the sound of that.

"I know now how much you have risked to be with me. And I can’t let this happen again." It takes Merlin's whole will power to go through with this. "I have no intention of being responsible for ruining your life."

"How can you even say that?" Arthur feels like he’s sitting on a roller coaster on its way down from some dizzy height. "I need you, Merlin. I want you. Why else would I have come?" He moves forward to get closer to Merlin. "Surely it is my call what I want to do with my life?"

Merlin shakes his head and squeezes Arthur's hand. He hitches his breath as the last words cut through him with agony. "I will always care for you. I want you to know that," Merlin whispers hoarsely. "But it is best for both of us if we remain where we are now."

Arthur can’t believe his ears. What kind of inverted logic is that? Merlin is pushing him away … even though he cares? Or is this just Merlin's way of telling him he doesn’t want him anymore?

"I hurt you Merlin," he says, trying to compose himself. "I hurt you really bad. I know that, and I can’t forgive myself for that. But I’d hoped you would still feel enough for me to be willing to give me a second chance."

Arthur pauses and then meets Merlin's gaze full on. "Guess, you are not."

Merlin is on the brink of complete meltdown. That last comment stings like burning a hand on fire. Seeing Arthur that distraught is killing him inside. Acknowledging he is so upset because Arthur believes he doesn’t care enough for him is deadly.

God, all Merlin ever wanted is what he sees right in front of him. There will be no one like Arthur for him again. He is pretty sure of that, as sure as he is about Arthur's intention at this very moment. But what about his baby? What about Vivien? And Uther? What about his reputation? Arthur might regret following his heart rather sooner than later. That’s exactly why he has to send him away.

"I’m sorry, Arthur," Merlin barely manages the words. He has reached breaking point and won’t be able to put this charade up any longer. "Eventually you will see this is for the best." And then he slowly pulls his hand away. "I am grateful that you came to tell me what happened today. It will make it easier for me to move on."

Arthur wants to say something, anything really, to stop Merlin walking away and leaving him alone. But his mind has gone completely blank.

"Grateful?" He doesn’t want Merlin's gratitude. He wants his love and friendship, his body and his mind. "Easier?" Who is Merlin kidding? This hurts as much as it did before. If not more. Because this is definitely the end.

Arthur's brain is just a tangled mess of confusion and hurt. "Just one favour, Merlin," he mumbles eventually, and Merlin looks up, biting his lips. How can he possibly refuse Arthur a favour? Whatever it is.

"Kiss me good-bye." Arthur is shaking with turmoil, but it doesn’t escape him that Merlin blanches. Maybe Arthur has asked for too much. Merlin is certainly hesitating, as if it is a chore.

Shit. Merlin has no idea what’s going to happen if he does as he has been asked. He has tried very hard to stay away from Arthur and just holding his hand was pushing him to his limits. But he can’t turn Arthur down. It is their final good-bye.

And so he takes a tentative step forward, and Arthur slowly puts his hand round Merlin's neck while the other one cups his cheek. The movement is slow, tender and sensuous and Merlin shivers when skin meets skin. His gold is rolling through his body in giant waves when Arthur's thumb strokes gently over his cheekbone. Merlin leans into the touch before he can think about it. And as Arthur gently wraps his lips round Merlin's everything else around them disappears in a haze. Arthur pours all his heart into this kiss, all the love aching inside him so much.

Merlin gasps into Arthur's mouth, overwhelmed by the sweetness and warmth of the kiss and his body reacts before his mind can make sense of it. With a moan he lets out all the passion and the love he’s been keeping under guard for all those weeks. The kiss turns passionate and hot, and Merlin almost gives into it completely when suddenly his brain presses the stop switch.

He tears himself away with almost supernatural will power. "Arthur… No….I can't. We should not …. Good-bye," he whispers and then turns round abruptly and walks up to the house briskly.

When he disappears inside, Arthur keeps staring at the closing door for a minute, numb and gutted, and he absently notes that this also closes a chapter in his life.

 

 


	16. Uprising

Well, if nothing else, Arthur has certainly come prepared. He’s carrying the whole pile of paperwork his lawyers delivered to him this morning. They have worked out about every possible scenario for his divorce. There are many options how the Dubois and Pendragon empires could continue working with each other even if they aren’t linked by marriage anymore. But if that isn’t what Vivien’s father wants, there are quite a few other possibilities how to go about severing their close financial partnership.

Taking a deep breath Arthur steps into Uther’s office, knowing full well his father expects completely different news.

“Arthur!” Uther looks up from his desk in anticipation.

“I need to talk to you.” Arthur bites his bottom lip nervously. 

“Yes, indeed you do. About Vivien, I hope?” Uther gives a vague smile and motions them towards the large leather sofa in the back of the room. He doesn’t notice that Arthur isn’t exactly the picture of someone bearing happy news.

Uther’s spotted the files in Arthur’s hands and furrows his brows.

“What’s all this, then?” he wonders, pointing at the files.

“Father…,” Arthur pauses, but he knows the only way to do this is head on. “I’m going to get a divorce.”

Uther sits motionless for a second while it slowly sinks in what Arthur just said.

“A divorce? “ Uther stares at him dumbfounded. “A divorce?” he repeats a tad louder the second time.

“What on earth are you talking about?” Uther is still processing the news.

“I don’t love Vivien. I never have. I don’t even respect the woman and I don’t want to live a lie any longer,” Arthur says with determination and as factual as possible.

“Love? For God’s sake, Arthur. Life is not all about LOVE.” Uther stretches the L word out sarcastically. His face is flushed with impatience as he glares at his son, weighing up how to proceed. Surely this is nothing but a whim of the moment. Arthur doesn’t really mean that.

“Your marriage was one of the best business opportunities in my lifetime. And you owe me that you honour that.”

“Owe you? About who I spend my life with? I’m not sure if you’ve noticed: I am a living human being with hopes and feelings. Not just a commodity you can push around any way you see fit to suit any of your plans for this company!” Arthur’s voice is getting more heated with every word. He knows this comes about three years too late. He should have stood up to his father before he married Vivien. But he won’t give in this time. He has to do this for himself.

Uther stares at Arthur incredulously. He can’t remember his son has ever daring to speak to him in such an insolent tone. “You better watch how you speak to me, Arthur,” he hisses. “I’ve had enough of this nonsense. You will NOT divorce Vivien, if I have anything to do with it.” He throws Arthur a challenging look.

“I’ve no intention of keeping this farce of a marriage alive.” Arthur has composed himself again and returns Uther’s look rebelliously.

“So what happened to all the counselling you did with that Merlin fellow at Rapport?”  Uther asks out of a sudden. “I thought you had sorted yourself out? That you were getting along with Vivien again?” 

Hearing Merlin’s name out of Uther’s mouth alarms Arthur, and it tightens his chest in some sort of funny, panicky way. He has been going over their last conversation again and again, but despite that, he still doesn’t get why Merlin pushed him away.  Because that good-bye kiss at the end had definitely felt more like a hello. 

He’s also pretty sure he’d seen tears in Merlin’s eyes before he turned round to leave. How does this fit in with what he did?  Everything about it feels wrong. But now Arthur has no chance of ever finding out why Merlin’s actions were so incongruous.  The man made very clear after all that he believes they’re better apart than together.  Arthur has tried to accept this with very little success ever since, but he’s unable to magic away the hurt it causes.

“Merlin helped me to understand myself,” Arthur says defensively, aware how easy it would be for Uther to blame Merlin for something that wasn’t his fault.

“Well that is ….. nice,” Uther retorts, his anger flaring up. “But not fucking good enough! I sent you there to get your marriage together. I didn’t pay that bloody Merlin guy a big fat bonus when you went back to your wife, just to find out a few weeks later you’re intending to divorce her now.”

Arthur pales. Uther is heading down the path of holding Merlin responsible for his break-up and that is certainly the last thing he wants.

“Merlin did everything in his powers, I can assure you.” Arthur is trying to pacify his father. “This has nothing to do with what he did or did not do.” Well, that isn’t quite true, but it’s close enough to the truth. Knowing Merlin brought him to his senses and made him aware of things he had felt deep down for a long time.

“It was his job to keep this marriage going. He was supposed to be the best. So what the fuck went wrong?” Uther is really angry. He hates failure, and he hates being disappointed by someone, particularly when he’s credited that person for his actions already.

“Father, my marriage was dead and has been for a long time. There was nothing to save.” 

Uther grits his teeth. His blood is boiling because he can sense that Arthur isn’t going to give into him. That he going to remain bloody stubborn and not bend to his will. But, if his son hasn’t got the common sense to see his point, surely there’s another excellent argument against this idiotic idea of cutting ties with Vivien.

“I thought Vivien is pregnant? Or did I get the message she sent out at the Ball wrong?” Uther smiles as if he’s played out a trump card. Arthur hasn’t thought this through, he’s certain of it. Why would he leave his wife when she’s expecting his child?

“Well, she is.” Arthur takes another deep breath.

“She is?” Uther’s face lightens up for a second. “So why the fuck would you want to divorce her, if she’s having your baby?”

Arthur’s heart sinks. He knows how much having an heir means to his father, and that the truth will more than piss him off.  Although he can see more clearly now what Uther did to him over so many years, how he manipulated and dominated him, he can’t help feel sorry for what he’s going to say next.

“The baby isn’t mine.” Arthur faces Uther straight on and watches as his father’s face is turning from grey to red. The bubbling of anger beneath the surface is virtually tangible.

“Not yours? What exactly do you mean?” There is menacing quiet in his father’s words.

“She had an affair with her tennis coach,” Arthur states and waits for the inevitable explosion.

Deadly silence follows, and Arthur watches on as Uther’s face drops to then turn an even darker shade of crimson.  

“Are you telling me, your wife’s been sleeping around because you’ve decided you don’t love her anymore and have neglected her for weeks on end?” Uther is shouting at him now at the top of his voice, his lips quivering with rage.

Arthur can’t believe his ears. Is Uther really blaming him for Vivien’s infidelity?! 

“Are you not man enough to keep your wife happy in bed? So she has to go somewhere else? And that guy gets her pregnant? Something YOU….” and Uther looks at him in the most derogative way. “…. have obviously not managed.”

Arthur is trying to remain calm. This is outrageous and so typical. Uther wants to find fault in HIM, wants to put him down and control him in every possible way.

“Insulting me won’t change my mind, father,” Arthur retorts bitterly. “I should have never married her to start with. I should have had more sense than trying to please you.”

“Please me...!!!” Uther is pressing out the words. “You married Vivien to cement the future of this company, this empire. You did it for your future and that of your heir.”   

“I did it for you, father.” Arthur feels his eyes tearing up. “My happiness and what I wanted was never a point for discussion once you had decided on it.”   

“You are a Pendragon, and I thought I’d brought you up in a way to honour your name. Not your bloody feelings.”

“You loved my mother though, didn’t you?”

Uther blanches at Arthur’s words. Losing Igraine has never stopped hurting. He still thinks of her every day and the agony she had to go through before she passed away. During childbirth. And now this child, his son, is paying him back like this.

“I loved your mother more than you will ever know.”

“But you won’t grant me the same happiness?”

“Happiness….,” Uther repeats as if the word has no meaning to him at all. “I was so happy when we found out that Igraine was going to have a child. So happy,” he hesitates. “And then she died right before my eyes, and I could do nothing about it.”

Arthur’s never seen his father quite like this, full of emotion and showing what’s in his heart. But the moment passes quickly and the next minute Uther measures him, his lips pressed tightly together and his eyes cold and hostile.

Arthur almost flinches back. “You have never forgiven me for her death, have you?”

“I gave you everything to become a worthy successor to this empire. The best schools, the best connections, the best opportunities.” There’s intense disappointment in Uther’s voice.  “And now you turn out to be a lovesick wimp who….” Uther’s voice falters as he glares at Arthur with intense displeasure.

Arthur realizes at this point that trying to get Uther to understand is a hopeless cause.  It seems his father has never loved him and never will. That the company is the only thing he genuinely cares for. He points at the pile of paper on his father’s desk.

“That paperwork covers all eventualities of the divorce. My lawyers have worked very hard to ensure that Pendragon Inc. doesn’t suffer because of it.“

“So you have been working on this behind my back?” Uther sneers.

“I just did what you always taught me, father. Whatever you do – research it properly and think of all possible outcomes.”

Getting his own words thrown back at him after all he has just heard, inflames Uther’s rage even further, and he moves threateningly towards Arthur.

“You will not use my words to describe your idiotic, backstabbing treachery!” he shouts, contempt pouring out of his voice. Arthur looks at his father and suddenly sees him for what he is: an old, bitter man who puts money and control above anything else and who will always hold him responsible for his mother’s death.  Nothing will change that, and that perception makes him feel sad. Because he has always loved his father, despite everything. It looks like the favour was never returned. 

Still, Arthur is going to stand by his decision. He owes that much to himself. Even if he can’ have Merlin, he knows he isn’t able to go through a life-time in a fake relationship with Vivien.

“I’m going to divorce Vivien, father. Whatever your opinion is on the matter. I will no longer be manipulated by you and what you wish. You never let me be myself. You never listened to my wishes. That will stop now. I’m going to announce the divorce by the end of the month.”

And at that he quietly leaves the room, with Uther just staring after him in complete disbelief.

oooooooooooooooooo

 

Merlin opens the door of his flat and throws his bags on the floor in the hall.  Passingly he acknowledges his reflection in the mirror. His mum has done a good job in the last three weeks. He has put on quite a bit of weight and looks more like himself again. There is still a bit to go to get back to where he was before the whole disaster with Arthur, but he is confident now that, in time, this is going to happen.

He has promised Gaius to be back at work next Monday which gives him the weekend to get his flat sorted, do some food shopping and all the other menial tasks a household requires.

When he walks into the living room he isn’t quite prepared for the surge of wistfulness cutting through his body like a knife. Because he suddenly realizes how empty the flat feels. Empty and dead. A bit like his heart, really. Merlin doesn’t want to allow his brain to go there. But it happens anyway. 

Because he can’t wipe away the images rushing through his head. Arthur sitting on the sofa laughing his head off at a bad joke he’d made, Arthur kissing him hungrily pressed against the chest of drawers, Arthur smiling tenderly as Merlin’s relaxing him with his gold.

No. No. No. This is not good for him. Not good at all. He’s done so well while he was in Ealdor, and he won’t allow his wilful mind to destroy the inner calm he reached when he was there. A calm that was rudely interrupted the morning when Arthur turned up.

Merlin has been replaying their conversation what feels like thousands of times and has been wondering as often whether he’s done the right thing. The way Arthur kissed him, he could sense he really meant it, that there was genuine emotion behind it. Merlin shakes his head. Of course he did the right thing. For Arthur, at least.  

Okay, he would be lying if he said he was happy with the way things turned out, but he has got himself in control again, and he can cope. Just. In time the intensity of his feelings will fade. He thinks. It is what people say after all. And he grins sheepishly because it is what he tells people, too, when they come for counselling.

After unpacking and sorting his wash out, he is on the way out to do some shopping when he runs into Gwen who’s just returning from work.

“Merlin!” She gives him a peck on the cheek. “You’re back.”                                 

Merlin grins at her cheekily. “You are very perceptive today, Gwen.” 

“It’is lovely to see you smile.” Gwen is beaming at him. “And you look so much better.”

“Are you saying I was ugly before?” Merlin quips.

“Not more than usual.” Gwen laughs and is so relieved that Merlin sounds like himself again. They arrange to meet in the evening to have take-away with Lance who has planned to stay over at her place anyway.

Lance is just as pleased as Gwen to see the progress Merlin’s made in the last few weeks, and while they dig into their Chicken Tikka Masala and Prawn Bhuna they catch up on all the news. Gwen is dishing up the latest gossip from Rapport and Lance fills Merlin in about the recent events in town. When they finally settle on the sofa with a glass of wine, Merlin looks at his friends with a big warm smile.

“It’s really great to have you here tonight,” he says quietly. “The flat felt very empty when I got back.”

“As long as there’s an Indian take away and a couple of bottles of wine, I’m game for anything…” Lance jokes and Merlin smiles affectionately at him.

“You know Arthur came to see me?” Merlin opens a completely different line of conversation with a rhetoric question.  

“So he told you everything?” Lance asks and Merlin nods.

“He did.” Merlin’s voice is clouded with emotion. “I was at least as much at fault for what happened as him. I should have told him about the therapy sooner.”

Lance nods and doesn’t ask any further questions. Merlin will give away as much information as he wants and needs to.

Merlin swallows. “I let him go,” he whispers as his eyes are welling up. “I had to, for his sake.”

Lance wouldn’t need to be observant to notice the anguish in the few words. It’s blatantly obvious that Merlin isn’t over the whole thing. 

“I’m so sorry, Merlin.” Lance really means it. But Merlin faces him bravely, attempting a weak joke.

“You know, Medieval knights used to have a very handy motto as part of their conduct of honour. A motto that cleared their conscience in time of battle and strengthened their heart to cope with loss and grief.” Merlin pauses, as Lance looks up expectantly.

“No man is worth your tears, they used to say,” Merlin says quietly. “I think that sounds pretty relevant.” And he grimaces, knowing full well he doesn’t mean it, and so does Lance who hates to see Merlin still upset, but his friend has got himself well in hand and that is all that counts. And when Lance and Gwen eventually leave he is quite reassured that Merlin is on the way to a full recovery. Both, in body and mind.

 

oooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Arthur’s been called to his father’s office on a matter of urgency. Uther more or less ordered his son to report to him promptly and without any further delay.  

Business has been pretty much as usual since, so Arthur has a funny feeling that this has to do with private matters. It’s only been a couple of days since Arthur declared he would push his divorce through, whatever.

His hunch is not disappointed when he enters Uther’s glass tower, as the employees call his office, and sees Vivien sitting on the sofa, looking incredibly smug. Alarm bells start ringing immediately. Uther turns round when he hears the door opening.

“Arthur.” His voice is dead calm and as icy as a Polar night.

“You wanted to see me?” 

Uther gives him a glare that’s unmistakably hostile. “Sit down, Arthur.”

Once Arthur has settled on one of the comfy leather seats, Uther lifts a brown envelope.

“What’s this?” Arthur asks rather innocently, noticing Vivien smirking in a rather venomous way.

Uther hands him the envelope without a comment and gestures him to open it.  Arthur’s heart starts drumming wildly with the foreboding of what’s going to come. All this screams serious trouble.

He opens the envelope as Uther and Vivien look on.The tension in the room is tangible as he slowly pulls out an A4 sized photograph, and Arthur’s heart stops. All blood drains from his face.

It is Merlin and him… kissing. Outside Merlin’s house.

For an instant everything goes black in front of Arthur’s eyes. His throat is so tight he has to gasp for air while heat flushes all over him and pearls of swear appear on the nape of his neck. There is only one explanation for the existence of this.

“You had me followed?” Arthur asks his wife in disbelief.

Vivien presses her lips in a thin line, desperately trying to hide her utter delight.  Arthur’s reaction is even more satisfying than she expected. “I was taught to look after myself very well, Arthur. Once you told me about the divorce I hired a detective to check you out. Just in case there was something I could use in my favour…. Fuck. I didn’t believe you would be THAT accommodating!” She chuckles as she winks at him condescendingly.

“Explain yourself.” Uther has said nothing so far, but the two words are laden with restraint intimidation.

Arthur stares at the photo. It shows both of them clearly. He is holding on to Merlin tenderly with one of his hands on his neck, the other one on his shoulder. Merlin is leaning into him, his arms wrapped round his back. Their lips are grinding against each other in a blatantly intense kiss. The image oozes desire and passion.

Arthur swallows hard. And makes a decision in a split second. No, he won’t belittle his feelings any more, and he will certainly not lie about this. Because this is who he is. Who he wants to be. And he will not deny himself any longer. Even if nothing will ever come of it.

“I love him. It’s as simple as that.” Arthur looks at Uther defiantly.

Uther’s jaw tighten as his breathing becomes more and more audible.   

“You are a Pendragon. No son of mine is a fucking queer. I want to know what the fuck happened.”

“We met, we fell in love. That’s what happened, father.”

“Do not DARE and call me that, you disgusting fag.” Uther isn’t even attempting to contain his anger. He is spitting with rage now and furiously shouting at the top of his voice.

“I had a son who was a full blooded male. Who had dozens of girl friends. Who was the most eligible bachelor for years.” Uther sounds more repulsed and outraged by the second. “THIS…”  and he points at the photo.  “is NOT my son.” Uther takes a deep breath and then waves at Vivien.

“It is no fucking wonder your WIFE fucks someone else if you go about sticking your dick into very available faggot.” Uther’s eyes are boring into Arthur as if he’s trying to will him to take his statement back.

The insults slide off Arthur like on a non-stick frying pan. His mind is completely on the picture. God, Merlin is gorgeous. Very skinny, but dreamy and in some way ethereal. Just looking at the photo has an effect on him. Because he can imagine Merlin’s lips on his and the light touch of his hand on his back as if it had just happened. 

Arthur smiles. Nothing will persuade him to argue away or lie about what he genuinely feels. “He is everything I want.” There’s surprise in his voice. How is it he can say that so easily out of a sudden?  And, out of all people, to his father. It is a liberating experience, one that makes him feel strong and powerful.

Uther’s eyes have also returned to the photo again. “THAT bloody marriage counsellor!”  Hatred is pouring out of his voice. “That fucking bastard. What’s his name again?”

“Merlin Emrys,” Vivien volunteers happily. It has been most gratifying to watch the exchange between her husband and father-in-law. The more Uther is upset, the better, because the angrier he is with Arthur, the more generous he’s going to be with her divorce settlement. The way things are going so far, her pay-off is growing in size by the second.

“That Merlin has clearly fucked with your head.” Arthur can see how Uther is putting the pieces to this puzzle he can’t comprehend together in the only way it makes sense to him. Shit. This is heading towards a total disaster.

“He’s brainwashed you. Can’t you see? You were vulnerable, sad, confused…. whatever. He took advantage of your state by using his intimate knowledge of you.”  Uther just knows that this explains everything. No Pendragon would ever steep as low as that otherwise.

“It is no wonder he failed at reconciling you two when he wanted you for himself. That disgusting little shit.” Uther turns to Arthur. “Surely anyone with a brain can see that?”  He asks imploringly as if he wants Arthur to approve of what he’s saying. 

“Whatever happened, father, and what you see in this picture, none of that matters anymore.” Arthur is hoping to divert his father’s anger from Merlin. “Because it is over.”  

“That’s the least I would expect,” Uther mutters somewhat mollified.

And to make sure Uther gives the credit where it is due, Arthur adds. “And that is solely down to Merlin, not to me.”

Uther stares for an instant digesting the words and then laughs deprecatingly. “Are you saying you’ve been rejected by a fag?” He pauses while loathing crosses his face. “You really are no son of mine. You just repulse me.”

Arthur is more saddened than angry that his father pushes him away so readily. He appreciates that this is a major shock for Uther. That fury would always be the most likely reaction to this kind of news. No, he fully understands. But Uther isn’t just angry, he is degrading, abusive and utterly derogatory. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment, and certainly not a son by his father.

“I’m going to make that bastard pay for taking my son away from me.” It sounds like an oath when Uther says it. “I’m going to sue him for professional misconduct and I’m going to bleed that cock sucking poof dry till he can bleed no further.”

“Father!” Arthur is suddenly on red alert. He knows his father too well to take a threat like this lightly. “I can assure you Merlin never took advantage of me. I had a choice and I made it. You can’t take this out on him. Take it out on me, if that makes you happy.”

Uther raises his eyebrow. “Oh, look now. You’re defending that piece of crap.” A cruel smile starts playing round his lips. “That tells me YOU will be punished as well by watching him go under. Handy, that kills two birds with one stone,” he smirks victoriously.

“Leave Merlin alone. He’s done nothing wrong. You can’t do that!” Arthur shouts now, slowly losing his composure as foreboding dread spreads through his body. It is unthinkable, but if Uther goes through with this, Merlin is professionally dead. His father is an expert on how to destroy people.

Uther throws Arthur a poisonous look. “Well, my son…” and that last word sounds like an insult. “… just watch this space.” Then he turns to Vivien. “And YOU take your shining little arse out of here now. My lawyers will be in touch about your settlement.”

Vivien disappears in a shot. After all she’s succeeded in what she came for. She raises her eyebrows triumphantly when she walks past Arthur. As soon as the door closes behind her Arthur makes one final attempt of salvaging the situation. “Merlin has nothing, father. There’s nothing to gain.”

But Uther shakes his head, his lips pressed hard together.

“I gave that bloody wanker a huge bonus when I thought you’d gone back to Vivien.  And this divorce doesn’t only have to go ahead now, it is going to cost me double. I haven’t got the slightest intention of letting him off the hook. He will pay for this, I swear.”  And then he turns round to stare out of the huge glass front encircling his office. It’s a sure sign that this audience is over.

 

ooooooooooooooo

 

Arthur’s pulse is racing when he leaves. He can easily bear the wrath of his father, but he can’t even think about what this might do to Merlin. Something has to be done, but he isn’t sure what. Something that will avert this catastrophe and keep Merlin safe.   

Morgana. She has an amazingly clear head on her shoulder, and she is totally pragmatic. As soon as Arthur reaches his office he’s on the phone to her. 

Five minutes, four gulps, three gasps, two ‘oh no’s and one major ‘Oh my God!’ later, Morgana is speechless. That doesn’t happen very often. Once she has reclaimed her brain function she almost shouts down the phone. “Vivien has done what? And you said WHAT to father ...?” her voice falters. This is an emergency on a major scale.

“I’m on the next plane to London, Arthur.” She decides within a second. “It looks like you need a brother, or rather a sister in arms!”

Arthur would like to say she shouldn’t bother, but he would be lying. He really needs Morgana at his side for this, and he appreciates from the bottom of his heart she is so willing to give him her support.

Two days on, Morgana is walking through the door of Arthur’s apartment, looking harassed and exhausted.

“Morgana!” Arthur embraces his sister and holds her tight. “Are you okay?”

“Bloody planes… hate them…,” she mumbles, but she smiles at her brother fondly.

“You look really tired, too.” Morgana scans Arthur’s face. It is pale and drawn. 

“It’s been quite a week, sis,” Arthur sighs. “Glad you are here.” And then he notices the tall, sporty guy trailing behind Morgana. His sister wastes no time before introducing the bloke. “Leon. Arthur. Arthur. Leon.”

Arthur smiles broadly at his sister’s boyfriend. He is tall and broad shouldered, and his head is covered in mop of chest nut brown curls any girl would kill for. A sympathetic smile is plastered on his face as he walks forward to shake Arthur’s hand readily.

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Leon says warmly.

“All good, I suppose,” Arthur retorts, his right eye-brow shooting up.

“Of course, Arthur.” Morgana interrupts and grins. “We all know you are a rich, spoiled, arrogant prat.”

“Aren’t you leaving out drop dead gorgeous, highly intelligent and immensely successful?” Arthur has a cheeky, lop-sided smile on his face while he inwardly thanks God he has a sister like that. Her presence alone is already making him feel a little bit better.

“Okay, bro.” Morgana sinks onto the sofa. “I’m here. I’m ready. Give me all the details.”


	17. Dawn

Merlin is late. He has gulped down his tea double quick and is stuffing a bit of toast in his mouth while he’s heading towards the car park. He smiles at the sight of Aithusa.

“Good morning.“ He claps the old car gently on the bonnet. “I haven’t seen you for a while.” It is his first day back at work and he still needs to get into the swing of things.  Aithusa starts beautifully. Actually she’s been running a whole lot better since she was repaired at Arthur’s garage. Shit. A slight twinge in his heart is trying to get the better of him, but Merlin pushes the thought away vehemently. Not thinking of A….. Not thinking of A…….

Of course, as luck will have it, the traffic is particularly bad this morning and the queue on Westminster Road is horrendous. Finally, just when the cars are starting to move again, his mobile rings. Merlin throws a glance across to check who is trying to contact him. He almost crashes into the car in front when he sees Arthur’s name.

Why would Arthur want to speak to him? The last time they saw each other he left, believing Merlin didn’t care anymore. Or not enough. Before Merlin can collect his thoughts and consider whether he should pick the phone up or not, it stops ringing.  Well, on the positive side that saves him a lot of soul searching just now.

By the time Merlin hits the next traffic light his mobile pings telling him he’s received a text message. From Arthur. Merlin bites his lip, wondering whether he should read it. Although deep down he’s pretty sure what he’s going to do. But not now. This will have to wait till later.

When Merlin rushes through the door at Rapport, Gwen gives him a welcoming grin.

“It is already 9.15, Mr. Emrys,” she scolds him light-heartedly. “Lucky your first appointment is also late.” Then she smiles. “Great to have you back.”

Merlin throws her a kiss and disappears in his office to find Gaius sitting on the sofa next to the window.

“I’m not THAT late, Gaius!” Merlin exclaims in mock indignation.

“Good morning, Merlin.” Gaius gets up and embraces Merlin carefully, warmth and compassion transcending nonetheless. “I’m really pleased you’re better.”

“So, is this why you’re here – as the official welcoming committee?” Merlin quips with a grin.

“I wish it was as simple as that.” Gaius right eyebrow shoots up, a telling sign that something isn’t right. Without a word he hands Merlin a thick envelope.

“What’s this?” Merlin looks at the letter rather lost. But when he checks out the sender he pales a little.

“A letter from a lawyer?” he mutters in complete surprise and rips the envelope open. It takes seconds to scan through the writing.

“Uther is suing me for professional misconduct??” There is a huge question mark hanging over Merlin. What the heck? Why would he do that? Arthur is back with Vivien after all. Merlin stares at the letter, his brows furrowed.

“I received notification of this as well,” Gaius informs him. “…because it affects the agency, too.”

“But why…?” Merlin asks out loud and wonders why Gaius gives him that ‘surely-you- have-an-idea-what’s-going-on-here’ look.

“You don’t know. Do you?” Seeing that Merlin has ‘clueless’ written all over his face, the old psychologist makes the connection pretty quickly.

“Know what?” Merlin’s heart starts pounding faster, realizing Gaius has knowledge of something that has escaped him.

“Arthur is getting divorced.”

Merlin remains still for a second, letting the message sink in. What? Arthur is divorcing? 

“When did that happen?” Merlin gasps, totally taken aback.

“A few days after…,“ Gaius hesitates, not wanting to rip a hardly-healed wound open again. “…you broke up.”

“But….” Merlin’s head is spinning. Arthur obviously never reconciled with Vivien. So what about the show of affection on TV? And the baby news? Confusion blurs every sensible thought he is trying to piece together. All he can think is: Arthur is getting a divorce. He is leaving Vivien. Has planned it for ages. Why didn’t he mention it when he came to see him Ealdor? 

Merlin grits his teeth. There was probably not enough time for that because he cut their meeting short. God, he really is an idiot. It looks like he fucked up the chance to be with Arthur for a second time. It looks like, destiny has decided they shouldn’t be together. With his head full of thoughts going round in circles Merlin stares into deep space, barely managing to focus on the problem in hand again.

“So Uther is suing me because Arthur is divorcing?” Merlin can’t believe it. It’s been about four months since Arthur returned to his wife. Surely lots of things could have happened since then swaying Arthur to leave Vivien? Things that had nothing to do with him at all?

“How could he prove it was my ‘improper’ professional behaviour that caused Arthur to make this decision?” he asks Gaius.

Gaius looks up at Merlin’s perplexed face. “That depends on how much Uther knows about you and how much Arthur has told him.” 

Ah. Now Merlin gets it. Uther might pressurize Arthur to give details of their sessions together. Trying to show that he didn’t do enough to get Arthur and Vivien reconciled.

“Arthur would never say anything to harm me.” Merlin is absolutely certain about that.  No, Arthur would definitely not support this. He is far too kind and too honest to do something like that.  

But what if he let a word or two slip after he returned from Ealdor when he felt rejected and hurt? Merlin shakes his head ferociously at his own doubt the next second. “Arthur won’t have anything to do with this. I am sure of it.”

“Even if he doesn’t want to, Merlin, this could go down a very nasty line of investigation.” Gaius is dead serious. “If the prosecution finds out anything about your gift … the chances are they’ll not take it lightly. Remember that people are extremely suspicious when it comes to things they can’t understand.”

Merlin has listened with increasing worry. “But how would they find out about that?” 

“If they put Arthur in the witness stand he will have to tell the truth, whether he likes it or not,” Gaius explains.

Merlin closes his eyes for a second and rubs his fingers over his aching head. Gaius is right. This is serious. Bloody awful serious. If he is found guilty he can forget working in this line of business. And Uther surely has the best of lawyers, ones that are good at digging up every little bit of shit that might incriminate him.

“Right, and what am I supposed to do now?” Merlin shrugs his shoulders in resignation.

“Get yourself a lawyer,” Gaius suggests. “And then we’ll try and think of something.”

Just then Gwen buzzes the message through that Merlin’s client has arrived. Gaius nods at Merlin and gives him an encouraging clap on his arm.

“Nothing’s lost yet,” he mumbles on his way out, but Merlin isn’t so sure. What chance has he got against someone like Uther Pendragon? A man who’s got the parliament and pretty much everyone in the business at his feet? Not the tiniest at all.  His insides clench when he considers what the next few weeks will most likely bring.

Suddenly it clicks why Arthur must have tried to contact him. To let him know. Maybe even warn him. Merlin is pretty certain it can’t be anything else. Like wanting to see him again or having some kind of conversation or trying to meet.  

‘And why would he want to do that?’ Merlin’s common sense laughs out loud at his pathetic thought and to rub it really in it taunts him further with a sobering truth. ‘You made your bed and now you have to lie in it!’ It is just as well Merlin’s client opens the door at that moment, ripping him out of his destructive thoughts.

The rest of the day passes in a haze, and when Merlin arrives home that evening his head is aching so hard he wishes he could screw it off and replace it with another one. After a couple of ibuprofens and a cup of tea he drops on his sofa and pulls out his mobile. There is Arthur’s text. Considering the latest developments Merlin doesn’t anticipate the message to contain anything private. Okay. He takes a deep breath and opens the text.

“Need to talk. Urgently.” That’s all it says. As expected, it’s rather impersonal.  Business like. Right. What else? There’s no reason whatsoever why he should feel so bloody disappointed.

Merlin sighs and keeps mulling over the events of the day. There are fragments of thoughts buzzing through his head like wildfire which does absolutely nothing to ease the headache that has reached a ten on the Merlin scale of physical pain by now.

But he’s unable to stop his head from twisting and turning all the news he’s had. Arthur getting divorced. Uther out for his arse. A court case scrutinizing every tiny bit of his life. Baring his deepest secrets. Arthur phoning him. A bleak future with no job prospects. Arthur texting him. Uther looking triumphant when he wins the court case, as he no doubt will. A life empty of hope and promise. Arthur looking at him with pity in his eyes. And then just Arthur….  Finally Merlin’s exhaustion takes its toll and as the pain killer finally kicks in, his eyes close and he promptly dozes off. 

An hour later a determined knock on his door rips him out of his daze. Merlin drowsily waddles to the door to find a young woman outside. She is tall, slim and stunning in every way.  Long black curly locks frame her heart shaped face.  He looks at her completely puzzled wondering who on earth she is looking for.

“Merlin?” she asks, just as he wants to tell her that she’s definitely knocked on the wrong door.

“Merlin **Emrys**?” she adds, stressing his last name as if making sure she has come to the right Merlin.

“Not too many people called Merlin on this block,” Merlin quips and grins, gradually feeling a bit more awake.

“Guess not,” Morgana chuckles. “Sorry, I haven’t introduced myself. I am Morgana.”

Merlin is suddenly highly alert. “Morgana…. as in Morgana Pendragon?”

“Arthur’s sister,” she confirms with a nod.

“Seems I’m very popular with the Pendragon family today,” Merlin mumbles to himself sarcastically.

“Would you mind if I come in?” Morgana asks, ignoring his thrown-away comment and pointing at the door. Merlin blushes at his oversight and leads Morgana into his living room.

“Want a cup of tea or coffee, Morgana?” Merlin is trying to make up for forgetting his good manners. 

“Tea would be nice, Merlin,” she smiles and takes a seat on the sofa. While Merlin is busying himself in the kitchen she checks out the room.

So this is where Arthur lived for quite a while. Morgana’s eyes run over the interior swiftly. It is hard to fathom that he would feel comfortable in a tiny, slightly shabby place like that. He’s always been used to the grandeur and splendour of big houses and all the comforts his heart could desire. This small worn flat is the very opposite.  Morgana guesses that this is exactly the point. That it is so different. Different in a good way. Because it feels cosy and homely here and lived in.

“Right, there you are.” Merlin puts down tea and a bit of cake he made the day before. He grimaces at Morgana, marginally embarrassed how to broach the subject. Guess, being direct is the only way forward.

“I’m sorry to be blunt, Morgana, but why are you here?” he asks, looking at the young woman with a confused frown on his face.  

After her heart to heart with Arthur Morgana knows pretty much everything about the time Arthur spent with Merlin. Well, at least all the stuff relevant to the current situation. And the one thing that’s stood out in her brother’s account was the intensity of his feelings for this man in front of her. Morgana has never seen Arthur like this – so affected by another person, so involved in his emotions. 

That’s why she has come. She needs to see for herself what kind of person Merlin is.  She wants to make sure Arthur hasn’t made a disastrous mistake or is hugely misguided by some errant feelings.

“I wanted to meet you.” Morgana can’t see how anything but honesty will do. Merlin blushes furiously, his ears turning to a matching colour simultaneously. He doesn’t notice that he’s fiddling with the handle of his cup nervously.  

“So you came to check me out?” he clarifies and locks eyes with Arthur’s sister.

“My brother is the only family I have…” and when she sees Merlin’s questioning glance, she adds, “…apart from Uther of course, but ...” Morgana pauses, not needing to add any more.

“All I wish for Arthur is that he can be happy or once. I get the impression he found that with you,“ she finishes softly.

“That was quite a while ago, Morgana,“ Merlin mutters quietly. “You must know we aren’t together anymore.”

“I do, Merlin.” Morgana faces him, determination on her face. “Why did you tell him you were better apart?” Morgana sees Merlin’s jaws tightening and his eyes tearing up. He finds it impossible to sit still, he is that uptight. He gets up and starts pacing up and down the living room. 

How the heck can Merlin explain his reasons to her? He can’t believe himself he walked away that day. That he let Arthur standing in the street, dejected and disappointed. That he broke his own heart deliberately.

He finally goes for the bare facts. “Vivien and him. They looked so happy on TV. I was sure they had made up.” 

Morgana snorts and her voice is brimming with resentment: “Happy with Vivien? You have met her, haven’t you? The woman is a bitch of the first order.”

Merlin manages a feeble grin. “Yeah. I just discovered this morning Arthur is going to divorce her.”

“You found out only today?” Morgana raises her eyebrows in surprise.

“Yes, Gaius told me.” Merlin suddenly stops pacing about like a tiger in a cage and brings up what convinced him most to let Arthur go.

“What about the baby? Surely Arthur is looking forward to becoming a father?”

“The baby?” Morgana can hardly believe how little Merlin knows. “It isn’t his. Vivien had an affair.”

A wave of heat rushes through Merlin’s body when he fully comprehends what this means. Arthur isn’t going to have a family, and he has certainly no intention of living with his wife. Which makes Merlin’s reasons for turning his back on him null and void. It looks like he was totally misguided by noble intentions. And that his self-denial was nothing but a complete farce.

“Oh.” Is all he manages as he sinks onto the sofa chair, gaping absent-mindedly at the clock on the wall. This day is turning very quickly in one of the most eventful he can remember.

Morgana has been watching Merlin attentively and slowly the penny drops. “You didn’t want him to give up his life and prospective family for you.” She watches on as Merlin’s head drops. He looks numb and completely devastated when he nods.

“You still love him?” Morgana asks quietly, her voice full of warmth and compassion.

“Arthur is amazing,” Merlin mumbles, almost more to himself than to her. ”Kind, generous, loving, warm, funny,…,” his voice falters, and he tries hard to pull himself together before he continues. “He has got so much to give…”

Morgan puts her hand on Merlin’s arm. “Yes, he does. But he never realized all this before he met you. He still cares about you, you know.”

“Even now?” Merlin meets Morgana’s gaze, looking desperate and miserable. “After what I did to him in Ealdor?”

Morgana recognizes Merlin’s torment and gives him a heart-felt smile. “Arthur doesn’t love easily. He wasn’t brought up like that.  But he sure knows how he feels about you.”

Merlin’s is heart suddenly drumming so loud surely even Morgana can hear it. If it is true that Arthur still wants him, that he has forgiven him, that he hasn’t given up on him completely, then there’s a little bit of hope left after all.

“Merlin, he’s worried sick about you because of Uther,” Morgana adds.

“Uther,” Merlin repeats. “I got a letter from his lawyers today.”

“Arthur found out only this morning that his father had already acted upon his threat to sue you. He didn’t expect anything to happen so quickly over the weekend.”

So this is the reason why he phoned. Everything is falling into place for Merlin now.  Everything apart from….

“Hold on…,” he hesitates. “Why is Uther suing me for misconduct when Arthur has a perfectly good reason for wanting to divorce Vivien. She’s pregnant with someone else’s child after all.” 

Morgana gives him a rather grave glance and takes out a brown envelope to hand it to Merlin. One instant later Merlin gasps in horror at the photo in front of him.

“Uther has seen this?” he asks aghast, shock waves running through his veins. When Morgana nods, all alarm bells go off in Merlin at once.

“Fuck. Oh my God,” he mumbles and then, “Is Arthur okay?”

Morgana stares at the tall lanky man opposite her who is waiting for her answer anxiously. Merlin’s first reaction to this rather dire revelation is to worry about her brother. Which moves her more than she cares to admit. And if she had needed any more confirmation what kind of man Merlin is, this would have made it blatantly obvious.

“He is fine,” she reassures Merlin. “Don’t worry about Arthur. He is Uther’s son and even if Father is totally pissed off with him at the moment, he’ll calm down eventually.”

“You really think so?” Merlin is doubtful. “Despite this?” he asks, pointing at the photograph.

“Well, I hope so, anyway. He would be a bloody fool not to.” For some reason Morgana doesn’t sound as convinced as before.

“How is he?” Merlin wants to know, and Morgana knows he isn’t talking about Uther anymore.

“I think you should go and see for yourself. I have done my bit here, I think.” Morgana says, sounding quite pleased with herself.

Merlin is all nervous energy all of a sudden. “I need to see him. Now.”

“I’ll help you to get into his apartment through the car park below,” Morgana grins, fully enjoying the intrigue and conspiracy of the action.

Merlin is really warming to Arthur’s sister. It’s a shame she lives so far away. She is quite a woman, and he owes her. Big time. But now all that matters is that he gets to Arthur.

“Okay. Let’s go!” Merlin grabs his jacket and heads for the door.

“Merlin!” Morgana calls behind him, and he stops to turn round and look at her questioningly.

“I also came here today to find out why Arthur’s in love with you.” She smiles broadly at him. “I think I’m getting the idea.”

Merlin blushes yet again and mumbles something like “Nice …. say…” but quickly heads for the door again so Morgana can’t see his face turning bright red.

 

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Merlin opens the door to Arthur’s apartment. Morgana has successfully sneaked him past the parking attendant and given him access to Arthur’s private lift. He enters the big living area and finds Arthur busy in the kitchen, showing him his back.

“Do you fancy a posh Chinese take away, Morgana?” he asks and swivels round to discover … Merlin. His heart and brain functions stop for a split second. Merlin! Here. In his apartment?

“Why…How…?” Arthur stammers, unable to utter anything sensible.

“Remember, you texted me,” Merlin explains matter of fact, smiling at Arthur’s perplexed state. God, just seeing and hearing him makes Merlin ridiculously happy.  “That we need to talk. So here I am.”

Arthur is inhaling the sight of Merlin. What a change from when he saw him the last time! He has filled out and looks bloody amazing. He also has this new haircut that lets his fringe fall slightly over his eyes. Just enough to get a glimpse of their brilliant blue and to spot the soft long lashes above them.

“I didn’t get the impression you wanted to,” Arthur mutters in a quite defeatist tone.  “As you never answered.”

Merlin swallows hard. Fuck. Does Arthur really believe he doesn’t give a shit about him? Or is he trying to protect himself just in case he gets rejected again?

Arthur suddenly startles. “How did you get in here, anyway?” There’s no way Merlin would have got past reception without anyone informing him about it.

“Morgana.” 

“You met her?” Arthur asks flabbergasted.

“More like she met me,” Merlin corrects him, and then explains, “She came to see me.”

“So she’s been twisting your arm to speak to me?” Arthur’s attempt at keeping his voice steady fails miserably. It looks like Merlin isn’t here out of his own accord. Arthur really wishes the realization wouldn’t hurt so much. Morgana can be extremely persuasive, and he’s seen people do just about anything to appease her. The kind man Merlin is, of course he would try and keep her happy.

The acute disappointment oozing out of Arthur’s question hits Merlin like a monumental wave. “No, Arthur!” he almost shouts it. “No!”

This is it. He’s had it. He can’t bear this stupid, idiotic situation a second longer, and so he walks right up to Arthur, straight into his personal space. He stands so close he can feel Arthur’s hot breath on his face and the tremble running through his body.

Arthur inevitably shudders at the sudden intimacy. He craved having Merlin close for so many weeks, how could he not? “No need to lie, Merlin,” he mutters, torn between serious and anguished. “No need to feel sorry for me.”

Now THAT really does it. The words push Merlin off the emotional cliff he’s been wandering on for too long. Without hesitating he puts his hand on the nape of Arthur’s neck and pulls him close. 

“I love you, you generous, wonderful, bighearted prat,” Merlin whispers. The next second he crushes his lips on Arthur’s, and all the feeling he’s kept under lock for far, far too long explodes in a firework of desire and hope and tenderness.

Arthur remains motionless with shock for an instant. Then he gasps into Merlin’s mouth, grabs him by the shoulders and gives as good as he gets. When Merlin’s gold streams into him with intensity he almost jumps. But it feels so good, so much like home he willingly surrenders to it with a groan.

”What happened?” Arthur mumbles after what feels like a good fifteen minutes.

“I kissed you.” Merlin pulls a cheeky face. “And you kissed me back. You really are not very observant today.” Arthur chuckles breathlessly, still overcome by surprise and the rush of emotions filling every cell of his body.

“You know what I mean.” Arthur pushes Merlin away just far enough so he can look into his eyes. “So?” Arthur asks again, sounding unsure whether he can believe that all this is real. “What changed your mind?”

“It’s been quite a day,” Merlin says cryptically, and Arthur throws him a questioning look.

“I found out about you and Vivien and the baby.” Merlin knows this explanation will not suffice, but at least it is a start. He bites his lips before he continues.

“For all I knew you were happy with Vivien again, and you were going to be a father…,” Merlin says hoarsely as he leans his forehead against Arthur’s. “You were going to have a family. Something you thoroughly deserve, but something I could never give you.” Now that his admission is out, Merlin stills, his insides quivering in anticipation.

Silence follows, and Arthur’s Adam’s apple bobs up and down as he swallows hard.

“Is that what worried you?” he stares at Merlin in disbelief. A few brain ticks later he is hit by a sober thought. “So you denied yourself for my sake,” he whispers, his voice crushed and shattered and filled with raw emotion.

“I wanted you to be happy,” Merlin answers quietly, torn up by the intense feeling in Arthur’s eyes.

“God, what a bloody martyr.” Merlin has no idea how Arthur does it. To make a blooming insult sound like the biggest compliment ever. His heart is suddenly full to the brim, and the need to touch Arthur is overwhelming. Merlin dives in for another kiss, and he is nipping and biting and sucking the hell out of Arthur’s lips while he cups his face gently between his hands, stroking Arthur’s temples and cheeks, determined to demolish any doubts he might still have.

When they pull apart for air Arthur beams at Merlin. “Just to make one thing clear…,” he mumbles as he brushes his lips over Merlin’s neck, dizzy by the familiar scent of his skin.

“I would prefer if you let me make my own decision who I love in future.” Merlin hears the L word and ‘in future’ and his head goes momentarily all fuzzy.

“Right,” he croaks weakly. “As long as that ‘who’ is me…” There’s mischief in his eyes when he says it. He gets punished for his cheek immediately when Arthur bites into the shell of his ear knowing full well what affect that has.

“Trust me. I know what’s best for me,” Arthur mumbles, completely side-lined by working his way right from Merlin’s ear down to his collar bone. Merlin gasps when Arthur grabs his arse without any warning, turns him round and presses him hard against the kitchen worktop. 

“Mhhhh,” Arthur sighs when he feels Merlin’s erection reacting to his cherishing hand.

“I also know what’s best for you,” he says almost incomprehensibly, as he tugs impatiently at Merlin’s jeans, his hands busy with unbuckling the belt and unbuttoning his fly. Before Merlin can think twice his cock is bouncing before Arthur’s hungry lips.

A choked moan escapes Arthur’s mouth. Fuck, seeing Merlin like this before him, soaked in precome and as hard as a rock, makes his heart - and his cock - swell with love. Because it is him who has that effect on Merlin. Him who’s made that ridiculously kind and caring idiot surrender in every way. Him who has the power to turn him into a dishevelled mess.

Arthur sinks on his knees and wraps his lips softly round the head, sucking gently around the dripping slit while his tongue teases it with tiny firm flicks. Merlin groans helplessly, one hand grabbing Arthur’s hair, kneading and pulling it while holding onto it at the same time. With his eyes half-closed and lips slightly parted, he responds to every single touch with short strangled breaths.

Arthur tightens his lips and slowly pushes his mouth down Merlin’s shaft, making sure he puts enough pressure on the hard flesh to make Merlin wince with pleasure.  Arthur takes him in as deep as he can and when he reaches the point where he can go no further, he cups Merlin’s balls and rubs them rhythmically with his thumbs.

Merlin’s writhes under Arthur’s efforts and bucks his hips forward desperately. His skin is flushed with arousal. When Arthur comes back to suck at the most sensitive part, he lets out a moan so filthy it travels straight to Arthur’s cock which is already squeezed into the constraints of his skinny jeans far too tightly. When Arthur moves his mouth back up again and his teeth scrape lightly over the sensitive head he is promptly rewarded with a deep guttural moan.

Merlin can hardly bear the wet heat encompassing him any longer. And when Arthur starts fucking him with his mouth harder and rougher and deeper, his legs are turning to jelly and he struggles to keep himself upright, only holding on to the worktop with one hand. He can feel the hot coil in his guts tightening and he is close, oh so close.

“Won’t. Last. Any longer,” he stammers as his panting turns short and heavy. Just then Arthur hollows his cheeks and sucks so hard Merlin cries out in ecstasy. He convulses with the intensity of his release, flinging his head back and then buckling over Arthur who is feasting on his spill and then licks him clean gently.

“You are trying to kill me, aren’t you?” Merlin pants breathlessly, barely able to speak.

Arthur pulls Merlin up and holds him as close as he knows he can, cradling his head with one hand and squeezing his shoulder with the other.

“I love you, too,” he whispers into Merlin’s ear. “Just wanted to make sure you fully understand.” They stand there, motionless, in the tightest hug Merlin’s condition allows. Silent and overawed. And in total unison.

When Merlin’s little grey cells have gathered enough to resume processing again, he realizes immediately something’s amiss.

“I think we aren’t quite done, yet.” He looks up seductively at Arthur through his endless lashes, and then slips out of his jeans and pants. He takes Arthur’s hand and pulls him down on the soft woollen rug in the middle of the room, grabbing a cushion from the sofa in passing and placing it under Arthur’s head.

“Anything for your comfort, sire,” he mocks with affectionate cheek. He rids Arthur of his shirt with nimble fingers and goes down on his chest, biting and clawing and licking every bit of skin he uncovers. Arthur gives himself completely up to the caress, moaning quietly, as he feels his arousal building, surging with every little touch.

Unable to stand the ache of his throbbing cock inside his jeans he jerks upwards looking for release. Merlin gives in to his silent ple, and a few seconds later Arthur lies naked in front of him, spread out and wanting. Merlin marvels at the sight in front of him. The soft ripples of muscles, the smooth skin of his torso, the blonde curls on his chest.

Arthur’s cock is the most beautiful he has seen. Thick and swollen and so, so ready for his touch. Merlin moves his thumb over the slit and rubs the silvery precome slowly over the hard flesh. Arthur shudders and draws in a ragged breath, overwhelmed by his need and desire. There is nothing, nothing else at all he can think about, apart from that hand exploring his cock so expertly.

As soon as all of Arthur’s cock is shiny and slippery Merlin wraps his fingers round it and starts pulling and pushing, slow and deliberate. He feels Arthur tremble under his hands, and the swirling gold streaming into him relentlessly.

Merlin continues working Arthur systematically, increasing the pressure of his touch while he twists and squeezes the tip with every stroke. Arthur is losing his composure faster than ever, unable to stifle his moans as Merlin begins to move faster and harder.

Arthur moans breathily when Merlin runs the fingernails of his other hand over his balls and when his thumb reaches the cleft between his cheeks, probing and pressing into his most intimate part, he loses all control and comes so hard he almost blanks out.

Merlin bends over him, searching his lips and kissing him until he comes back to his senses.

“I missed you,” Arthur mumbles, sated and still half dazed.

“I noticed.” Merlin smiles into his hair, ignoring the punch onto his arm. Once he has wiped Arthur and himself clean with a warm cloth, he lies down next to him and their hands entwine in a tight grip. Merlin turns round to face Arthur from the side. He runs his fingers up and down Arthur’s arms, watching him instinctively leaning into his touch.

This might not be the right place or time. But that might never be the case. Merlin knows it, but he’s also fully aware he can’t keep his secret from Arthur any longer. He doesn’t want to. There are only few people in his life he has trusted with this. And he needs to get it off his chest, quite literally, before it is too late again.

“Arthur,” he says quietly while his fingers are feathering playfully over that fabulous chin. Arthur looks up at him with glazed eyes and smiles.

“Arthur. I need to tell you something.” Merlin’s decidedly pained voice rips Arthur straight out of his afterglow. Alarmed he sits up next to Merlin who is biting his bottom lip as if he hasn’t eaten for a week.

“What’s wrong? You aren’t going to change your mind, are you?” Arthur asks, breathless and alarmed.

Merlin feels a sharp sting inside his guts. So there’s still a tiny part in Arthur’s heart worrying that his feelings aren’t genuine. Merlin presses his index finger on Arthur’s lips and whispers tenderly. “You really are the biggest dope I’ve ever met.” And kisses him chastely.

Merlin’s soft and tender lips are all the reassurance Arthur’s needs, and he lets out a small sigh of relief. They’re as close as can be, and Arthur notices at once how serious and pensive Merlin’s eyes are. He slowly lets him go, not quite sure why he feels rather queasy all of a sudden.

“So what is this big thing you need to tell me?” Arthur asks as his pupils widen with worry. Then Merlin takes a deep intake of breath and pulls his T-shirt over his head.


	18. Light of day

The T-shirt silently lands on the floor, and there is stony silence as Merlin sits there motionless, next to Arthur, on the soft woollen rug.

Arthur remembers the scars from all those weeks ago, when he was horrified seeing them from afar. But close up they are beyond anything he’s ever come across. White and red scraggy lines criss-cross every inch of Merlin’s chest, some thin and fine, others prominent, red and swollen. There are three round, angry looking ones near Merlin’s chest bone standing out from the rest. It’s almost like the wounds have never really healed. The tissue is crimson and raised, as if the injury has just recently happened.

Merlin points to his chest and simply states: “Scissors, letter opener, cigarette ends.”  Then he turns round to show off his back, too. Arthur gasps in shock at the thick red lines that mar what once must have been smooth, mellow skin.

”Leather belt, horse whip, metal ruler.” Arthur’s heart stands still for a second, and then another one. He isn’t sure what shocks him more: that someone could inflict such awful wounds on Merlin or that he rattles off the words as if he was reading a shopping list. He has never been faced with anything equally appalling and horrendous and can’t even start to envisage how much pain, suffering and misery all of this must have caused. 

It is sickening to imagine that Merlin was subjected to torture like this. His Merlin. That he had to endure such gruesome abuse. At the same time it is completely incomprehensible why anyone would want to hurt another living, breathing being in such an atrocious way. Just then Merlin raises his eyes to face Arthur full on.

“This is who I am, Arthur. Damaged. Deformed. Inside and out. And that will never change.” He gulps, gnawing on his bottom lip. “I need you to understand that there’s a good chance that my … problems, this condition, will never leave me.”

“Merlin…” Arthur moves towards him, ready to embrace him, but Merlin stops him.  He needs to tell the whole tale, needs Arthur to hear everything first.

“What happened?” Arthur asks gently as if he has anticipated what Merlin’s intending to do. Merlin breathes through deeply before he begins.

“I won a scholarship to go to this posh, expensive primary school outside Ealdor. Me.  Out of all people.” Merlin laughs sarcastically.

“First day I met another boy who was just like me. No money to speak of and sticking out of the crowd for the lack of decent shoes and a proper school uniform. His name was Tom. We hung out together right from the first day and used to have a quiet laugh about all the fancy arrogant toffs surrounding us. Naturally, we were the odd ones out and the other boys regularly gave us a hard time about our clothes, our accents and our haircuts. You name it, they slagged us off for it. For some of them it became a cruel game the longer the teasing went on, and they started bullying us. Tom, in particular.”

Merlin pauses, gritting his teeth before he continues.

“Then one day Tom was found on the playing fields. Neck broken. Like he’d fallen from somewhere high up. I went mental.  I knew who’d done it. But SHE wouldn’t have any of it. Wouldn’t listen because it was one of the rich boys, much more important to her school than me. Or Tom.“ 

Arthur can feel the anger smouldering underneath Merlin’s words and suddenly understands why Merlin was so ill at ease with his wealth when they met. Even if he disguised it with sarcasm and jokes. 

“Who is ‘she’?” Arthur asks calmly.

“Mrs. Morgause Miller. The head teacher.” Merlin cringes at the mention of her name.

“It started with her threatening me to shut up about Tom’s death. I wouldn’t. Couldn’t.  It was not right. That’s when it started.” Merlin’s breathing is getting more agitated as he visibly tenses up all over.

“She called me into the office soon after and asked why I hadn’t done my Maths homework. Well, I hadn’t.  Too busy with crying over Tom. She said that things like that were not acceptable in her school and that I needed to be punished. And then…..” Merlin struggles to continue for a split second. Tiny pearls of sweat have appeared on his forehead and at the nape of his neck.

“Then she took out the leather belt and ordered me to take my shirt off.” Merlin’s voice is changing into a whisper as he relives that awful day. “She hit me ten times that first day. On my back. I was black and blue for days. Couldn’t move properly either.”

Fury rushes through Arthur. The mere thought of a young Merlin completely at the mercy of that perverted, devious woman who was supposed to care for him and who should have look after him, makes his blood boil. These things shouldn’t happen ever.

“From then on it became a regular thing. I got called in for any tiny breach of the school rules. Anything, from dropping my books all over the corridor to supposedly pushing a boy out of the way in the canteen. At one point she stopped bothering giving me reasons for calling me in.”

“The longer it went on the … harder the punishments became. It was only beating first…“ The ‘only’ makes Arthur flinch and his stomach turns.

“After a while that didn’t satisfy her any longer. The first time she used the scissors on my chest …. “ Merlin’s jaws tighten.  “… I wanted to die...” He’s staring at his trembling hands as he wills himself to continue. “She pierced my skin with the tip and then etched the wound open further and further … and then …” Merlin’s voice falters at this point. His eyes are still cast on his hands as if he doesn’t dare to look at Arthur and see what effect his words have on him.

“I could sense the thrill she got out of it.” He eventually carries on. “I felt so humiliated, even then. Useless and weak.” He presses his lips hard together. “But I never gave her the pleasure of crying in front of her. Never.”

Arthur can hardly bear to hear anymore. His insides are tightly knit in a ball of lead and the anger and frustration of knowing there’s nothing he can do about this at all, makes him feel utterly helpless and incredibly angry. All this happened so long ago, but is still so present in Merlin. That pains Arthur more than anything else. That Merlin is haunted to this day by what that woman did to him, that it affects his life to this very minute.

“And your mum?” Arthur wonders, unsure why Hunith never noticed.

“I was home only for the holidays and it was easy to make up excuses for not taking my T-shirt off when she might have seen me. I stopped going swimming. I locked the bathroom door so she wouldn’t catch me unawares and find out.”   

“SHE ....” And Arthur knows from Merlin’s intonation that he means Morgause. “…used to threaten me that she would harm my mother if I ever told her. I was only six. Of course I believed her. I was scared and I didn’t want my mum to worry. Most of all I didn’t want to put her into danger.”

“And the other teachers?” Arthur wants to know. “How come, none of them saw what was happening?

“She gave me a note to excuse me from sports whenever she was worried that she had overdone things a bit.  Apart from that – all the teachers were scared of her, more than scared, and she had them eating out of her hand.”

“How long?” Arthur enquires quietly. 

“Two years.” Merlin swallows again. “Gaius found me in a cupboard after a particularly bad session. I was hiding. I didn’t want to be found. The dark was comforting and took away the outside world. My back was open, shredded to bits, my chest….raw with cigarette burns, bruises and cuts.”

“What happened to her afterwards?” Arthur asks.

“She got fifteen years. Got killed after three. Seems that inmates don’t like child abusers.” Thank God for that, Arthur thinks to himself. Otherwise he might have been tempted to do something really wrong. 

There is a short pregnant pause while both are lingering on their thoughts.

“Does it still hurt?” Arthur enquires quietly, while putting his hand on Merlin’s arm.

Merlin shakes his head. “Not physically. Just up there.” And he points to his head.

“Arthur,” he continues rather meekly.  “I really understand if all this is too much… to live with. I really do. It is my crux to bear, not anyone else’s. I ….”

“God. Shut up, Merlin!” Arthur bends forward rather swiftly and cuts Merlin off with a rather elaborate kiss.

When they part, Merlin searches Arthur face. He really means it. He can see and sense it and he is overwhelmed. That Arthur accepts him for who he is. That he is willing to put up with all his baggage without any further thought. That he still wants his blemished, damaged body.

“Are you sure?” he mumbles, just needing to hear it out loud to make it more real and tangible and believable.

Arthur strokes gently over Merlin’s cheek and their eyes lock.“You… are the bravest man I have ever met,” he whispers. “How you stood up against something really wrong and how you fought your way back to cope with everyday life after all ... that.  You were never weak, Merlin. Even then. It takes a lot of strength to come through an issue as serious as this.”

This time it is Merlin diving head-on into a kiss, and Arthur cups his face and repays him in kind. They are finally stopped by the noisy grumbling of Merlin’s stomach. 

“Honestly!” Arthur chuckles. “Have you not eaten today?”

“Not much. Too busy with more important things.” Merlin gives him his brightest and broadest smile, and Arthur suddenly feels all warm and alive inside.

“Come on, let’s get that Chinese take-away,” he says, heading for his mobile.

ooooooooooooooooo

 

Smell of freshly ground coffee wafts through Merlin’s nostrils when he wakes the next morning. Strange. _Why is someone making coffee in my kitchen?_ he thinks rather disorientated and drowsily. An instant later the events of the previous night manifest themselves in his brain and his eyes fly open to face a smiling Arthur.

“Breakfast!” the blonde says and puts coffee and warm, buttered croissants on the bedside cabinet. Just then Merlin becomes painfully aware that he’s lying there naked, his scars blatantly on display. It is the first time he’s slept without a T-shirt in the presence of another person. Ever.

And that was okay in the dark of the night. But now bright sunshine is streaming through the skylight in the ceiling of the bedroom, and embarrassment turns his cheeks red. He can’t help but feeling awkward and exposed and instinctively pulls the blanket over his chest. 

Arthur who has watched him closely, shakes his head. “No Merlin,” he says softly as he takes Merlin’s hand and looks at him, blue meeting blue. “There’s no shame in who you are. Quite the opposite. Despite all the odds against you, you’ve succeeded remaining warm and kind. I’m not sure I could have done that.” And then he pulls the blanket down again with a gentle, yet steady hand and smiles.

“You….” Merlin prefers to express the overwhelming surge of love running through him by action rather than talking and places his lips firmly on Arthur’s. There is warmth in the kiss and passion and utter devotion.

“Waking up, are we?” Arthur teases him and settles down next to him to pick up a croissant. For a while they munch away, enjoy their coffee and make insignificant small talk. Then Arthur suddenly looks up.

“He’s suing you for professional misconduct, isn’t he?” 

“Yeap. Got the letter yesterday,” Merlin replies, matter of fact.

“I’m so sorry it has come to this,” Arthur mutters rather guilt stricken.

“You aren’t your father, Arthur. It is him who’s doing this, not you…”

“He just ... He doesn’t …” Arthur fails to explain it and takes another breath.

“He simply can’t understand why I would want to be with a man,” he says. “It is way beyond his imagination. To some extent I can appreciate that. Not long ago I would have laughed straight in your face if you’d told me I would fall in love with a gangly, skinny, clumsy guy I met at a counselling agency.” 

“Hey!” Merlin shouts in mock indignation and the two men share a grin before Arthur carries on.

“For Uther things like that don’t happen. Not in his world, and certainly not in his family! So he’s been looking for some kind of desperate explanation which fits into his view of the world and how things should be.“

Arthur knows they have to discuss this in detail at one point. But just now the basics will do. “The photo gave him all the ammunition he needed. You are the scape goat for all the ‘evil’ that has befallen me.” The last few words are dripping of bitter sarcasm.

Despite the gravity of the situation Merlin has to laugh at the ‘evil’ bit. He’s been accused of many things, but ‘evil’ is definitely a new one. His eyes turn serious again the next second though. “What actually happened when you spoke to him?”  He asks and so Arthur gives a detailed account of his last two meetings with his father. 

When he stops speaking Merlin looks at him fondly and astonished. “What you did took a lot of guts. To come out like that.” Merlin rubs his thumb over Arthur’s hand.  “Knowing full well there was no way Uther would take it lightly.”

“I felt elated afterwards,” Arthur admits. “Because I didn’t let him take control. And I stood up for something I wanted.”

“But at that time you believed I did not care any longer.” Merlin’s voice is a tiny bit shaky. “You could have easily denied the whole thing or pretended it was a one off.”

Arthur’s shoulders heave up and down before he answers. “When I saw the picture that day all I could think about was you. How much I wanted you and how much I missed you. I wasn’t going to lie about something that important to me.”

For once Merlin is tongue tied. He is pretty much overwhelmed. Yes, and totally awed at Arthur’s sincerity.

“We’ll have to think of something to stop him.” Arthur adds in thought. “The sooner the better. Who knows what other hair-raising schemes he’s going to come up with.”

“There’s never going to be another like you, Arthur,” Merlin mumbles before he straddles the blonde and leans over him. “And now that you have got me, I’ll not let you go any time soon.”

“Good.” Arthur grins, and when he runs his fingers up and down Merlin’s thighs he can see his cock reacting.  

“Is there time for a round two?” Merlin asks innocently, trying to look as appealing as he can, fluttering his eye lashes.

Arthur laughs out loud. “Depends how long you take,” he mumbles into Merlin’s shoulder feeling the vibration when Merlin chuckles. 

“At that rate, no time at all…..”

 

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Half an hour later they are both showered, dressed and ready to go to work. 

“Right, I am on my way out,” Merlin says and heads for the lift down to the car park.

“No.” Arthur keeps him back. “There is no reason why you shouldn’t leave through the front door.” A tiny, defiant smile plays around his lips.

“Arthur.” Merlin grabs his shoulder. “You don’t have to do this, not at this moment. I don’t mind …”

“Stealing out of this building like a thief at night,” Arthur mumbles grumpily to himself. “No, you might not mind. But I do. We’re going to walk through that bloody reception together. And I will see you out through the front door. Surely two people walking next to each other doesn’t automatically suggest that they are fucking?”

Merlin’s eyes are twinkling. “Even if it is true?” 

Arthur chuckles, and although he’s smiling, Merlin can detect all the signs that he isn’t going to back down on what he’s said, and so he gives in and follows Arthur to the lift leading into the big airy reception area of Pendragon Inc.

It is really busy when they step into the hall. People bustling about arriving for work, business mail being delivered, the phone at the reception ringing constantly.

“I’ll see you later at your place, all right?” Arthur says as they head towards the big revolving glass door at the front. And just as Merlin wants to take his exit, Uther appears at the other side and stands in front of them a second later.

If looks could kill Merlin would be dead on the floor the same instant. Uther’s face is stony, but his eyes speak volumes of rage and glint with fury.

“How dare you show your faggoty face in here?” he hisses at Merlin and walks up to him with clenched fists. When Arthur instinctively takes a protective step towards Merlin, his jaws are grinding against each other so hard with the effort of keeping himself in check that the veins on his neck are visibly protruding.

“Father.” Arthur steps in. “Don’t.” He faces him sternly. “It would certainly go round all the staff if you lose your temper right here, where everyone can see you and, apart from that, the papers would love it.”

Uther noticeably puts a lock on his emotions, knowing he can’t afford to have a public show of hostility against Merlin before the trial. Anything that could benefit the man who turned his son into a bloody queer has to be avoided at all costs.

The next words, however, are saturated with suppressed anger. “If you ever show your little fairy arse in here again, I’ll have you arrested and taken away,” he threatens, and then a cruel smirk appears on his face.

“Mind, once I’m finished with you, I doubt you will ever want to set eyes on this building or him….” And Uther’s head points to Arthur, “…again.”

Arthur squeezes Merlin’s shoulder and whispers. “Go, I’ll deal with this” and virtually pushes him into the revolving door before he can say anything contrary.

When Merlin arrives at Rapport about forty-five minutes later he finds Gaius waiting in his office. Again. Shit. This is a clear sign of more bad news.

“Right, tell me what it is now,” Merlin says disheartened, even forgetting to say Good Morning.

“The BACA phoned me about fifteen minutes ago.” When Merlin throws him a confused look, Gaius explains, “The Board of Associated Counselling Agencies.”  What?  This is the supervising body for all agencies involved in counselling people, and its task is to make sure that the standards of the trade are maintained and laws upheld. But what do they want from him?

“It seems they have been made aware of your impending trial and are insisting that you are suspended until the outcome is announced.”

Merlin can’t believe his ears. There can be no doubt that Uther is behind this. He’s a pretty fast worker. Merlin has to give him that. And quite effective, too. Their meeting earlier must have incensed him even further.

“So what exactly does that mean?” Merlin can tell that whatever he’s going to hear isn’t going to be even vaguely pleasant.

Gaius scratches his head, hesitating with an answer. “You have to stop working here as from today and ... they demand that you are on half pay until the court case finishes.”

Half pay. That won’t even cover his monthly outgoings. How is he going to manage?  He has to find another job of some kind to make ends meet.

“They’ve also made very clear that you can’t work anywhere else until that time.” Gaius deals the final blow reluctantly and with a lot of regret, but someone has to tell Merlin.

Merlin freezes in time and space. Uther is certainly keeping his word. This is going to destroy him. Not only is there no way he’s able to live on that little, he can’t even try and earn money somewhere else. And once the trial is over he’s going to be left with nothing. No doubt. Fuck. 

“I can give you a small loan to tidy you over,” Gaius says and Merlin nods. “Thanks Gaius, I might have to come back to that,” he mumbles  as the old man gives him a gentle hug. “But I want to think everything through first!” 

“You know you can call me any time you need something?” Gaius gives him a rather sombre look. He knows full well that Merlin has always been fiercely independent and never good at asking for help.

“Thanks, Gaius.” Merlin smiles tentatively. “I’ll phone you when I know more.”

He almost turns round to leave when it strikes him that Gaius really deserves to hear this from him. “And Gaius ...” Despite everything Merlin’s eyes start beaming all of a sudden. “Arthur and me ...” When Gaius searches his face, Merlin doesn’t have to say any more.

“I’m so pleased for both of you,“ Gaius says, but he frowns thoughtfully. “But, you’re playing a dangerous game, my boy, and so is Arthur.”

Merlin shrugs his shoulders on his way out. “It seems I always have since we met.”  And then he’s gone before Gaius can utter another word of warning.

When Merlin gets home he’s a bit unsure of what to do with himself. It’s strange not to be at work at this time of the day, and the flat is very quiet. The last forty-eight hours have been a hell of an emotional roller coaster. And although it is only eleven in the morning he feels drained and exhausted. 

With all the input his head has received the last two days it seems near exploding stage, and despite the threat of Uther looming over his head, all he can think of, at this moment in time, is Arthur.

Arthur who’s been incredible in every way. And who hasn’t turned his back on him like the little devil in his subconscious feared all along. On the contrary, Arthur has fully embraced him for who he is. It is hard to fathom after all these years of craving for someone to be with. 

A minute later his pondering gets interrupted by the phone. It is Geoffrey Monmouth, Arthur’s lawyer. “I have been instructed by Mr. Pendragon Jr to represent you in the upcoming court case, Mr.Emrys,” he explains. “It would be advisable to arrange a time for a meeting as soon as possible.”

Right. Here it goes. Arthur looking after him again. Putting his own laywer against Uther’s. Paying for all the costs occurring. It’s just wonderfully kind and caring, but, inexplicably, it makes Merlin feel as if he’s exploiting Arthur. Which is ridiculous.  Because Merlin knows he hasn’t even asked for any of this.

Merlin rests his head in his hands for an instant. He really hasn’t got any choice. He should be bloody glad that Arthur is doing this for him.

“Any time really. Whatever suits you and I’ll be there,” he sighs and takes down the details Mr. Monmouth dictates promptly.

Merlin puts down the phone and stares into space. He needs to sort this out in his head. Why he is reacting this way? Why can’t he accept Arthur’s help without begrudging it? Accept that he is doing this for him without any prompting. Why is there something inside him that keeps cringing and turning away, feeling odd and awkward?

Arthur is most likely going to insist on helping him out further. Financially and otherwise. Not that Merlin takes it for granted. He would never do that. He has always muddled through somehow by himself.

The problem is that he doesn’t want to burden Arthur even more. He has done so much for him already. Arthur who has accepted him the way he is, psychological shit, scars and all, and who’s been more than generous to him all along.

Merlin leans back into the sofa, closes his eyes and tries to figure out why he is feeling so uneasy. He searches every corner of his consciousness and slowly one realization is crystalizing out of the haze of his mind. He is so insecure in himself it should be illegal.

For years he’s told himself he was not worthy enough to be loved and cared for by anyone else, apart from his mum and Gaius. And eventually also by the few good friends he has.

Feeling inadequate and inferior because of his mental and physical scars has always overshadowed everything. The feeling he wasn’t good enough and didn’t deserve anything good coming towards him. The underlying assumption that he would get hurt and rejected if he trusted anyone too much.

That’s exactly what has kept him from getting really close to anyone. This is what has always stood between him and any prospective relationship. In fact it probably provided the final blow to his relationship with Edwin.  

Merlin has to admit it. Somewhere in the depths of his heart, the fear that one day Arthur might be disgusted with what he sees in front of him still hides in a very dark corner. That he might regret later he’s committing himself now. That he just might turn his back on him because he feels Merlin is taking advantage.

Merlin is certain Arthur would laugh into his face if he told him. That is the point.  Arthur trusts him completely, and the thought wouldn’t even occur to him. But this fear deep down has kept Merlin from returning the same kind of trust.

Funny, how that suddenly has become so apparent. Strange, he hasn’t managed before to work through this with so much clarity.

Merlin sits up abruptly. Right. This has to end. It has ruined his life for too long. He loves Arthur in a kind of stupidly all-consuming way. A man with a good heart and a caring nature. Blooming hell. That really is a huge understatement!  Apart from that he is also bloody gorgeous and sets him on fire in bed.

So he will drop all this rubbish of feeling sorry for himself, of not trusting himself to trust because of who he is, and he’s going to flush all of this crap down his mental toilet. Because that’s where it belongs. He won’t allow that it will push him around and ruin his life any longer.

Suddenly Merlin feels light-headed and weirdly elated as he lets go of the self-doubts preying on his mind for so long. Yes, they might be back at one time in one way or another, but now he’s much more aware of what brings him down he can actually keep it in check.

A big, goofy smile lights up Merlin’s face, as hopeful relief spreads through his insides.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

It is late afternoon and Merlin’s been busy working on the manuscript of his book most of the day. As usual, dipping into the old stories has helped him to take his mind off reality. Listening to his favourite music on his earphones is another bonus, and he’s so engrossed in his music and writing he doesn’t hear the bell. Not the first time or the second. It actually rings ten times before some desperate, loud knocking finally rips him out of his concentration.

When he opens the door a sweaty Arthur looks at him exasperated. “Don’t do that again!” he grumbles with exasperation.

“What?” Merlin’s jaw drops in bewilderment.

“You didn’t answer your door and I….” Arthur feels rather sheepish now, but Merlin not coming to the door when he knew he was in, caused a momentary state of panic.

Merlin leans into him, quietly touched by his worry. “Remember what you told me when I was rather upset for you not appearing that day I went to your lawyer about Aithusa?” he mutters.

“There could have been thousands very legitimate reasons why I didn’t to rush to the door immediately.”  He smiles at Arthur who returns his gesture, just relieved that everything’s okay.

”I could have been asleep. Or under the shower. Or cook in the kitchen….”

“Or topped yourself out of desperation,” Arthur mumbles almost inaudibly with a shaky voice, embarrassment tinging his cheek red.

“You didn’t really believe that?” Merlin asks and pulls him close. “Idiot.” And he manages to put the same tenderness into the word just like Arthur does when he insults him endearingly.

“I heard about your suspension,” Arthur justifies his action. “And the pay cut.”

“Right.” Merlin nods his head. “We’ll discuss this after dinner. Are you hungry?”

“Missed your cooking, too.” Arthur pecks Merlin on his cheek. But Merlin isn’t swayed and claps Arthur’s errant hand which has lost its way all the way down to Merlin’s crutch.

“Nothing to eat down there,” he says and chuckles when Arthur suggestively raises his eyebrows.

“Get your hands washed and join me in the kitchen. It is time to teach you how to peel potatoes, golden boy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say a big thank you to all you lovely people out there who are following this story! Thanks for reading and leaving kudos and comments! I really value all your opinions.  
> I also wanted to say that there is a chance I will not be able to post next Friday because I am totally overloaded with work the next couple of weeks. I will try, but if the next chapter is not there, it will go out to you as soon after as possible! At the very latest in two weeks time!  
> Thanks for your patience!


	19. The Day of Reckoning

“I assume my lawyers have been in contact with you?“ Arthur throws Merlin a questioning look. They’ve both flopped on the sofa, facing each other and their legs are entwined in the middle.

“Yes, I’m seeing Mr. Monmouth tomorrow morning,” Merlin answers, yawning with contentment after a good meal and a couple of glasses of wine.

“Good,” Arthur replies as if all of this was just as inconsequential as posting a letter.

“Arthur…?” Merlin can’t help but ask, even though he is aware this is feeding straight into his insecurities.

“Hmm?” Arthur mumbles absent-mindedly, utterly distracted by the fact that his foot has ended up temptingly close to Merlin’s cock.

“You know I’m not taken this for granted?” he mumbles, feeling blushing heat creep over his face.

Arthur hears what Merlin’s saying, but his concentration is seriously jeopardized because he’s watching Merlin’s cock apparently enjoying the gentle teasing of his foot.

“Take what for granted?” He keeps up the pretence of listening while his foot is slipping stealthily down between Merlin’s legs, investigating how much more of a reaction it can elicit.

“Arthur! Get that foot under control !” Merlin’s trying to sound exasperated but failing on all accounts as his lips are twitching into a smile. “I’m actually trying to talk to you about something serious here.”   

He rolls his eyes and lifts Arthur’s foot off from its soft resting place. This just proves how little significance Arthur attaches to what he’s done for him. It doesn’t even cross his mind it might be special to him.

“Not my fault our legs fit together so perfectly!” Arthur says, a cheeky grin spreading over his face. But he senses that Merlin needs to get something off his chest and so he sits up to listen.

“I want you to understand that I don’t expect you to fork out for your lawyers to represent me,” Merlin explains with a sigh. “I’m sure I would be eligible for Legal Aid.”

Arthur leans forward and presses his thumb on Merlin’s bottom lip.

“I know. But I enjoy it.” Is the simple answer, accompanied by a rather predatory gaze at Merlin’s mouth. “That’s what you do for people you care about. “

“Just making sure,” Merlin mumbles under his breath, his mind suddenly turning hazy by the scent of Arthur’s skin, warm and flushed and so close to him.

“Thing is, you don’t know yet what I want to have in return.” There’s a twinkle in Arthur’s eyes and Merlin can do nothing but concede that Arthur is totally unwilling to take this talk the tiniest bit seriously. So what else is there to do than to give in?  Merlin pushes all his subliminal guilt away with determination, and decides to join in Arthur’s game. “And what would that be?” he says teasingly, while his tongue feathers lightly over Arthur’s lips.

Arthur almost purrs with contentment, feeling rather smug he finally got Merlin to focus on things that ‘matter’. “I have an idea or two,” he replies and sinks his teeth rather hungrily into Merlin’s neck.

“Ah. You’re after my blood. Is that it?” Merlin manages the tease under tiny little gasps of blissful pleasure as Arthur sucks the soft hollow over his collarbone with fervour.

“Hmm. That’s a thought….” The words are almost swallowed between all the licking and biting and kissing, and when Arthur finally takes possession of Merlin’s lips the time for talking is definitely past.

When the rush of passion slowly abates and they still, damp with come, jeans half way down their ankles, breath and heart-beat slowly returning to normal, Arthur cups Merlin’s face with his hands.

“Now. Let’s have this out for once and all.” Arthur looks at him fondly.

“You and I belong together. Right?” Merlin can only nod in agreement, but his heart swells and hums with happiness at the certainty in the statement.

“Which means we’re going to share whatever we have. Right?” Arthur places a soft kiss in the corner of Merlin’s mouth.

“It seems your share is a bit more substantial than mine.” Merlin dares to chip in, lacing the ‘bit’ part with irony.

Arthur sighs in frustration and grips Merlin tightly on his shoulders. “Listen, you stubborn, thick headed, obtuse, impossible …. “ Arthur is desperately reaching for the last word, but in the absence of any inspiration, simply ends in “...marriage counsellor.” 

Merlin bursts out in laughter.  This is certainly the silliest insult Arthur has come up with so far.

“Shut up, Merlin.” Arthur bosses him into silence good-heartedly. “What I’m trying to say is this: I trust you. Get that into your head. I know you, and that is enough for me.  I do this or anything else for you because I want to. And because I can. And that’s all there is to it. Right?”  

Arthur sounds like a very patient teacher who has explained the same thing to an intellectually challenged student for the twentieth time. Merlin bites his lips. Because he can hear now for real what he knew in his heart.  Arthur hasn’t even spent the fraction of a second worrying about this.

“Just imagine for one minute our roles were reversed. What would you do?” Arthur asks, watching him carefully. 

Now that brings the point home more than anything else. Merlin’s eye lashes flutter, partly because he feels so soft, warm and pliant inside he could be spread on a bit of toast and partly because he can’t see a thing due to the tears that have welled up in his eyes.

“Just want to make plain it means a lot,” he whispers, choked with emotion.

“That’s another reason why I like doing it.” Arthur runs his fingers softly through Merlin’s thick wavy hair. “AND I get the benefits of your gratitude.” 

Despite his fragile state of mind, Merlin’s lips twitch up and he can’t help let out a chuckle. God, how does Arthur manage to make him smile when he is in such a state? He presses his face into Arthur’s shoulder and holds on to him as if he was drowning.

“Come on, you big softy.” Arthur tenderly kisses the salty moisture on Merlin’s cheeks away and bends forward to steal a final kiss when his mobile rings. With an astounding bit of acrobatics Arthur swings over and fumbles in his jeans to find his phone.

“Morgana!” He breaks into a broad grin. “Perfect timing.” He blushes to whatever Morgana is replying, and then listens for a few minutes before he puts the phone down for a second to speak to Merlin.

“She says Leon and her might have an idea how we could deal with Father…”

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

“Hi.” Merlin kisses Morgana on both cheeks and breathes an almost inaudible “Thanks” into her ear at the same time. Morgana beams at him, pulls him closer and kisses him back.

Arthur stares at them in mild surprise. “You two seem to be rather friendly for meeting only twice,” he teases, but inwardly his heart swells with joy because he delights at the genuine like between the two people he loves most.

“Leon.” He welcomes Morgana’s boyfriend and shakes his hand. He really likes Leon.  He isn’t only a genuinely sympathetic guy but also someone with an acute business sense. That became instantly obvious when Arthur showed him round Pendragon Inc. the other day. Leon immediately picked up a couple of things that could be done in a different, more efficient way, and he impressed Arthur with a very adapt knowledge of the company. Yes, Leon is a great match for his sister.

Morgana introduces Leon to Merlin, and he’s about to clap Merlin’s back when Arthur catches his hand just in time before it touches Merlin.

“Hmmm?” Leon’s face is a huge question mark, but drops his hand as soon as he sees Morgana mouth “Later!” behind Merlin’s back. But Merlin has caught on already to what’s happened and turns to Leon with a little smile on his face.

“No need to keep this hush hush,” he says calmly. “I am touch-sensitive on my back and chest, Leon. Pretty bad stuff.” Merlin is so relaxed about this that Arthur looks up in astonishment. “But you can squeeze my shoulder…” He grins at Morgana’s boyfriend. “….. Should you ever feel inclined…”

And so Leon does just that, and they all laugh. Arthur throws Merlin a proud look when they walk through to the living room and Merlin beams back at him, and then he steals a quick kiss before they settle down on the sofa.

“Right, guys.” Morgana doesn’t believe in wasting any time. “So this is what we were thinking about.” And Leon starts explaining everything.

Half an hour later Merlin sits back stunned. What Leon and Morgana are suggesting sounds amazingly simple in theory, but he isn’t sure it will be as easy in practice.  Because there is a chance that Uther will react like a loose cannon. And who knows what might happen then! But it is the best they can do, and Arthur has more or less agreed this is the only way forward. And in all honesty, so does he.

“Drinks, anyone?” He offers, realizing some relaxing lubrication will do them all good. He heads into the kitchen a minute later, followed by Morgana.

“Shall I take some stuff through?” she suggests, but then searches Merlin’s gaze. 

“God, Merlin.” She shakes her head in disbelief. “Have you any idea….?”

Merlin checks her in mild confusion. “An idea about what?”

“Arthur.” Morgana presses her lips together, attempting to contain a major outburst of emotion.

“I’ve never seen him so ... alive. So buoyant. So confident.” She pauses for a moment. “And so willing to detach himself from Father and to be his own man.”  Morgana puts her hand on Merlin’s arms. “And that’s all because of you.” She kisses both his cheeks. “You thanked me earlier, but it is me who should thank you. You’re bringing out the best in my brother, and I’ve never seen him happier.” And then she steps closer and gives him a tentative hug.

“Any need for me to be jealous?” Arthur has appeared at the door and watches them grinning from ear to ear. “All this kissing between you two is getting out of hand.”

Morgana laughs, walks up to him and puts her arms around him tightly. “Just sharing my affection with my family,” she says, her eyes twinkling, and as she takes a couple of drinks and heads towards the living room.

“You certainly made an impression on my sister.” Arthur raises his eyebrows. “I don’t know how you do it.”   

“Don’t be so bloody surprised,“ Merlin grumbles in mock indignation. “You definitely underestimate the allure of my charm.” Merlin grins, grabs two glasses of wine and attempts to walk past Arthur.

“What charm would that be?” he asks cheekily, holding Merlin back and trying to kiss him.

“Insufferable prat,” Merlin mumbles and grins mischievously while wriggling away from him to escape into the living room. 

Arthur chuckles as his gaze follows Merlin joining Morgana and Leon. Within seconds they all have a laugh. Even though he was winding Merlin up about it, he is in awe how good he is at handling people. At making them feel comfortable and relaxed. No wonder he’s so good at his job. Of course his gift helps him, but there can be no doubt that the main secret of his success lies in his personality. 

Morgana is usually level-headed and very prudent when it comes to trusting people. Yet, she hasn’t only accepted Merlin far more quickly than anyone else he can remember, but she actually really cares for him. That is obvious. And furthermore, she doesn’t even think of condemning their relationship. On the contrary, she whole-heartedly approves. 

Just then the bell goes and Merlin finds Lance and Gwen outside, looking concerned and apprehensive. The news of Merlin’s suspension spread quickly through the agency after he’d left. They obviously came to check on him, just in case.

“Merlin,…” Lance starts, shares a surprised look with Gwen when he finds Merlin gleaming with joy which is rather odd for a man who’s just lost his main source of income.

“Are you … okay?” Lance hesitates and wonders for a second whether this last stroke of fate has pushed Merlin too far and if he’s totally lost it now.

“More than okay.” Merlin answers with an excited smile and drags Lance into the living room. One look at Arthur and the love-struck expression on his face and all clicks into place.  

“Oh Merlin. I’m so pleased for you,” Gwen whispers in his ear when she puts her arm round his shoulder carefully.

“Lance.” Arthur has stepped forward and heartily shakes Lance’s hand. “Pleasure to meet you under happier circumstances this time.”

Lance frowns, unsure how Merlin’s situation can be described as happy, but decides to go with the flow. Something’s going on here and, no doubt, they’ll find out what it is.  And that’s exactly what happens next, once they’ve all settled down.

But then the conversation moves on to more general topics and when Merlin sits back for a moment to watch the people around him laughing and chattering, he is suddenly awash with gratitude. Each person in this room is here for him. Because they care about him and want to help. And they’ve all given their time and dedication for this purpose because they feel he’s worth it.  

Merlin swallows hard and gets stuck on the thought, internalising the message. They think he is worth it. He takes a breath and allows himself to believe it: He IS worth it.

 

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Arthur has asked Uther up to his apartment after work and it is half past eight before he appears out of the lift.

Uther was surprised at the invite and has taken it as a good sign. Perhaps the Pendragon genes have kicked in and let his son see how wrong and degrading this whole affair has been. Maybe Arthur is finally seeing sense and is going to try to make up for his insane behaviour. 

However, as soon as he enters the main room, he sees Merlin. It feels like a punch in his stomach. To his surprise Morgana and Leon are also present. That IS rather alarming. All of them gathering here. Waiting for him. Well, if they think that this show of unity will change his mind about anything, they’re utterly deluded. 

“Father. I’m glad you’re here.” Morgana moves towards him to kiss him lightly on the cheek.

Before Uther can say anything else Arthur offers him a drink and he’s too much of a gentleman to decline the civil offer. Two minutes later he stands next to Arthur with a tumbler of whisky on ice in his hand. Morgana and Leon have joined them, while Merlin is keeping his distance, remaining with a soft drink at the bar next to the kitchen.

“So, what’s all this?” Uther enquires, sitting on the defensive. He is well aware that this looks more like an inquisition than a welcoming party.

Arthur faces his father. “I think we have to talk about ….the situation we’re finding us in. So I’m asking you to hear me out. This is as important for you as it is to the company and me.”

“I can’t see how anything you say could possibly make this situation better as long as HE is present.” Uther hisses and there’s no need to explain who he means. They can all hear the contempt in the words.

“As this concerns Merlin in particular, it is necessary for him to be here,” Arthur explains almost jovially and waves Merlin to his side.

Uther can’t be bothered to go through all this crap yet again, but the mention that this might have something to do with Pendragon Inc. has caught his attention, and so he grits his teeth, his steely grey eyes watchful and full of suspicion.

“Right. Say what you have to say.” His voice is cold and aloof, while he scans the people around him. None of them appear nervous or worried. Morgana even smiles and lifts her glass to toast him.

“Father,” Arthur repeats, but there’s a strength and steeliness in his voice that take Uther by surprise. He lifts one eyebrow apprehensively and locks eyes with his son in a mildly threatening way.

“I know you don’t … approve ... of my relationship with Merlin.” Arthur has deliberately chosen a more careful expression, even though he knows this doesn’t even come close to how his father feels about them.  

Uther is about to clarify just that, when Arthur raises his hand to stop him.

“Hear me out, before you speak.” It sounds almost like an order, and Uther is so taken aback by Arthur’s tone that he stops, blinks and bites his lip.  

“I understand why this is disappointing for you and why you find it hard to accept.” Arthur is being diplomatic again, understating Uther’s point of view deliberately and then carries on, encouraged by his father’s silence.

“But I made my choice and I won’t go back on it now. Merlin is what I want.” Arthur’s eyes pierce into his father’s. _Why does this feel like a bloody duel?_ he thinks at the back of his mind. A High Noon of some kind. 

A wave of disappointment and disgust spreads through Uther. So all his hopes were in vain. Arthur is still besotted with that treacherous queer and apparently has no intentions of giving him up.

“And I will not stand by and watch you destroy Merlin’s career just for your own pleasure.” Now Arthur has stated where he stands, and he is going to take it from here.

Uther’s breathing is turning heavier and more rapid now. He can hardly believe his ears. Arthur’s behaviour lacks in respect and shows a total disregard for his wishes. That is unheard of and completely outrageous. The simmering anger down below is starting to bubble slowly.

“So what are you going to do about it?” Uther sneers, throwing the gauntlet at Arthur’s feet.

“If you decide to uphold the charge against Merlin, I won’t be able to remain part of a company where YOU are in charge.” 

The words go down like a bomb in a battlefield. Uther’s face is turning from pale to bright red in a second. The bitter, sneering cackle that follows is full of contempt.

“So you…” Aad he pierces Arthur with a deadly look. “….would quite happily give up this company and throw away everything you have, so you can fuck that little shit over here.” 

Arthur’s unconsciously clenches his hands into fists, but he has braced himself for his father’s animosity and he swallows the comment, willing himself to remain calm.

“I think it is high time you stop berating Merlin, Father. Because any insult you throw at his head is meant for me, too.”

“I won’t be told by my own blood what I should or shouldn’t do. Particularly by one that’s gone totally off the rails.” Uther downs the whisky in one huge gulp. The angry bubbles inside him are growing increasingly by the second, twisting and turning his insides in fury, and his voice is getting louder and more agitated each time he speaks.

“However, I’m going to tell you what WILL happen if you decide to turn your back on this company and me. I am going to disinherit you. Because I will never condone your perverse behaviour, and I will certainly not have Pendragon Inc. dragged down in smut and debauchery. If you decide to do this, you will go away with nothing. Not a penny. “

There is quiet triumph in Uther’s voice. He’s so sure this will sway Arthur. He has put the choice before him.  The life he’s accustomed to with all the status and privileges it brings or an uncertain future with that queer bastard. Surely, this is a no-brainer.

“So tell me, Arthur.” Uther looks at his son in a rather calculating way. “What are you going to do with yourself after you leave here? Do you think any other company will have you? Don’t delude yourself. No business would seriously consider it. Because they would never be certain about your loyalties.” Uther throws an ugly smirk at Merlin. “And no one in their right mind would employ a fag.”

“You can cut me out of your will, Father. But you can’t touch my inheritance from Mother. That has always been mine,” Arthur states quietly. “Nor my twenty percent share in the company. You would have to pay me out if you disinherit me.”

Uther’s head snaps up. He has underestimated Arthur. The boy has done his numbers and research and knows exactly where he stands. Uther has played his card, but Arthur still has got the better hand. First, the whole business world would be wondering what the fuck was going on with the company if Arthur announced his departure. And paying out twenty percent would have horrendous effects on Pendragon Inc. But he put it into the contract when Arthur was old enough to join the business because he wanted him to feel part of it. Of course he never expected anything like this.  

“At the current value of Pendragon Inc. you would owe me a rather substantial sum of money. And I wouldn’t hesitate to ask for it, nor would I shy away from fighting this in court. I’ve checked the legal aspects, and you have no leg to stand on if you were thinking of contesting it.” Arthur has spoken calmly and with determination.

And that shocks Uther even more than what he was saying. It seems so easy for Arthur to detach himself from him and the company, although his whole life has always revolved round it. He doesn’t even hesitate about it. As if it means nothing to him. It is betrayal of the worst kind. 

His son’s throwing away what he was always meant to be without the blink of an eye, and for what? Uther glowers at Merlin with eyes as dark as night. Pure hatred shimmers in them and his mouth is twisted by hostility. Merlin is the sole reason for this fucking disaster. And he is going to pay for this. The thought manifests itself into a silent oath. Merlin is going to pay.

Because UIther has had enough, more than enough. At this very moment he doesn’t fucking care how incriminating what he’s going to do might be. He is filled with hate and loathing and resentment and bitterness up to the brim. And he needs to let it go as the venomous bubbles inside him explode like a volcano.

Uther lunges forward before anyone can react and punches Merlin so hard in his face they can all hear the cracking of bone. Merlin is flying backwards by the sudden impact, and as he loses his balance and falls, the back of his head hits the stone floor with vengeance. His face is covered in blood when he slumps to the ground and remains there motionless.

Even before he is down Uther is upon him like a wild animal, punching and kicking him where-ever he can land a blow. He’s so enraged he can’t think clearly anymore, he just wants to finish the bastard that is destroying his son. Wants to take him away so Arthur has no options any more. He spills out all the fury and frustration he has suppressed for so many days.

“Merlin!’” Arthur, Morgana and Leon gasp when they see him fall and the two men are above Uther the next second to drag him off Merlin’s body. Uther is too beside himself to know what he’s doing and struggles like a prey in a net trying to get out of the grip of the two younger men.

Morgana rushes to kneel down next to Merlin to check him over quickly.

“Is he alright?” Arthur shouts across the room using all his strength to keep his raging father under control.

“He’s breathing, but knocked out,” Morgana replies and Arthur immediately panics.  That isn’t good enough. What if Merlin has broken his neck? What if he has a brain injury. What…?

That’s as far as Arthur’s confused mind gets because in that instant Uther’s eyes open wide and he goes limp in their hands. 

“Father!” Arthur has no idea what’s going on anymore. Uther seems to be conscious but his face is ashen and his hand is grasping at his heart area.

“Pain…,” he lips as his breathing becomes increasingly irregular. “Pain…” It comes out as a croak because his desperate efforts to breathe end in nothing more than wheezing.

“No air…,” he mumbles, panic-struck and completely helpless.

“Let’s put him over here…” Arthur takes charge and follows his natural leader instinct. Leon helps him to lie Uther who’s shaking violently down on the sofa.  

While dialling for an ambulance he sits down beside Merlin who is still unconscious.  Morgana has run to get a wet cloth and wipes the dripping blood from his cheeks and chin.

“Make sure he can breathe,” Arthur instructs quickly before he gives the emergency service his address. Then he bends over Merlin, and as soon as he touches him he loses all the composure he’s shown so far.

“No….,” he whispers, his heart drumming so loudly he can hardly hear himself speak.   “No….Merlin. Come on, you idiot. Wake up!“ he croaks while putting his hand on his shoulder to squeeze it. Merlin’s head crashing on the hard floor is vividly in his mind. He can still hear the horrible noise of the impact. Anything could have happened.  Anything. And there’s nothing he can do but hope and wait.

“Arthur!” Leon rips him out of his daze. “Uther is getting worse.”

Arthur knows Uther had a medical check-up recently and that his private doctor is available to them at any time of the day. A second later he has him on the mobile.

Leon hears Arthur describe Uther’s symptoms and then listen for a minute or two.

“Okay. Please be as quick as you can.” Arthur sounds urgent and worried and when he turns round, his face is as white as a sheet. This is all too much. All too painful to take in. Merlin is lying there still, pale and lifeless and his father…. A niggling feeling of guilt unfolds inside Arthur’s guts. If he hadn’t opposed Uther…

Morgana is looking anxiously from her brother to Uther and then to Merlin. “What did the doctor say?” she whispers, still in shock how much the situation has escalated.

Arthur startles and clears his thoughts. God. What did the doctor say?

“It looks like Father is having a heart attack. The doctor thinks it isn’t an ordinary one, because Uther was checked out for all that just four weeks ago. It’s probably caused by the spasm of a coronary artery brought on by emotional stress…..”

“Is there nothing we can do at all?” Morgana questions with a trembling voice while her gaze rests on her father whose breathing is laboured and who can hardly move for pain.

“Just relax him as much as possible, the doctor said. That can reduce the frequency of the spasms and might prevent too much damage.” Arthur looks at Morgana “Can you try please?” And they share a look of understanding. They both have suffered under Uther’s hands, but neither would wish him dead. Not even now.

Morgana is already off her knees the next second and settles at Uther’s side. As much as she resents him for his pride and his unforgiving nature, at the moment all she can see is an old man who is scared and hurting. And so she talks to him in a soothing voice just like a mother to an injured child and strokes his head gently while he is staring at her in blind panic not knowing what has hit him.

Arthur is back next to Merlin and just like before he finds it hard to keep his fears under lock. Merlin looks so white and so quiet. Arthur takes the cloth Morgana has left behind and gently wipes away the blood that’s still pouring down Merlin’s face. It certainly looks like his nose is broken.

“Merlin…” Arthur kisses his forehead gently, scared to move him too much in case his spine or skull has been injured. “I need you. Come on….” His fingers tremble as he gently strokes the side of Merlin’s neck and his arms.

Suddenly Merlin lets out a pained groan and opens his eyes. The first thing he sees is Arthur hovering above him. A pained smile crosses his face.   

“Head…,” he mumbles and relaxes into Arthur’s touch. Arthur can’t help a small sob escaping him. What a relief. What a bloody fantastic relief. Merlin is at least conscious again.

“You’ve had a nasty bump at the back of your head,” Arthur informs him once he’s got himself under control again. “And your nose is probably broken.”

“Oh….” Merlin sounds surprised and just as if he can’t quite remember how on earth this has happened. He looks around rather disorientated, and eventually his gaze falls upon Uther who lies there, crippled by pain and his body tense and taut.

“What’s wrong with him?” Merlin mumbles, wide-eyed with shock. 

“Heart attack. The ambulance is on its way.” Arthur tries to be factual, but, even in his half-conscious state, Merlin can sense how anxious Arthur is.

“Nothing we can do?” Merlin pushes out with effort.

“We’re supposed to relax him as much as we can to ease the spasms in his heart,”  Arthur mumbles.

“Relax?” Merlin asks and their eyes meet. “I can do that…”

Arthur knows what Merlin is suggesting, but he isn’t having any of it.

“Are you crazy  I think you should remain still until the ambulance arrives. You have no idea how seriously injured you are. And who knows what the exertion will do to you!” Arthur gives him a stern and exasperated look. How can Merlin even think about that at the moment? How would he even consider it after what Uther has done to him and is no doubt still intending to do?

“I want … to try.” Merlin is really as stubborn as a mule when it comes to it. And before Arthur can say another word he rolls over and slowly pushes himself off the floor into a sitting position. He leans against the sofa with a suppressed moan.

“Merlin.” Arthur has worry written all over his face. “Please….”

“I’m okay…” Merlin just shakes his head and chooses to ignore the waves of nausea and the stars floating around his peripheral vision caused by any little movement.  “Help me…” And what else can Arthur do? He can hardly start an argument.

Morgana has followed their conversation and has no idea what this is all about. But she readily gives way when Arthur sits Merlin down on the sofa next to Uther.

“Thanks,” Merlin mumbles, before he locks eyes with Arthur’s father.

“Uther,” he attempts to speak as clearly as he can which isn’t easy when your nose is choked up with blood. “Can you hear what I’m saying?” 

Uther stares at him and his body convulses with pain as if just looking at Merlin was too much for him. His eyes move frantically from one side to the other like a hunted animal.

“The doctor’s pretty sure you’re having a heart attack.” Merlin checks whether his message has reached Arthur’s father. “Do you understand?” Uther, still in the grip of fear and pain and gasping for air, nods and his eyes widen further with panic.

“He says that relaxing you will help.” Uther seems to nod again so Merlin continues.

“I can help you to relax now, but I need to touch you.” Another convulsion in Uther’s body confirms that he’s taken the words on board.

“No fag… touching me…” Uther is barely able to speak, but he does get his message across.

“Father. This could make all the difference.” Arthur has taken Uther’s hand firmly.  “Merlin is an expert in relaxation techniques. That is why he’s so successful in his job.”

Uther isn’t that easily persuaded. To be in the room with a queer is one thing, to be touched and contaminated by one is another. But just then intense pain spreads from his heart down his legs and arms. And with it comes a huge wave of nausea causing him to start retching and coughing, and sends Morgana running for a towel just in case. Luckily the discomfort eases again quickly, but Uther struggles to catch his breath after the attack and feels so weak he can hardly lift his eyelids.

“Father. Please. Let him help!” Morgana is imploring even if she doesn’t know exactly what Merlin wants to do. But the fact that both, Arthur and Merlin seem to believe in it is enough for her.

And then Uther is swept away by another surge of pain, and sweat is starting to cover his neck and his brow. 

“This will give you at least a chance.” Arthur sounds sincere. Like when he was a little boy and had to admit to something he had done wrong. It tugs at a heartstring Uther thought long lost. Crippling pain rips him out of his memories the next instant and it gets worse by the second. Uther doesn’t want to die. Not now and not like this. It seems he has only one choice. He reluctantly looks up at Merlin and gives a tiny nod of approval.

Without another word Merlin leans forward to touch Uther’s chest. And he closes his eyes and calls upon his gold. And it is there. Faint-hearted and sluggish, but there nonetheless. And he beckons it until he senses it getting stronger and more powerful and rushing towards Uther.

Arthur knows when Merlin’s gold has entered Uther. Because suddenly there is more life in his father’s eyes and his body lets go of some of the tension keeping it in its grip.

“Ahhhh…” Uther moans loudly as Merlin continues to pour the last of his energy into the man before him. He sees some drops of blood falling on Uther’s shirt in front of him. And the red and white blur before his eyes, as his head explodes in a blinding ache, leaving him in the most intense pain he’s ever experienced.

But he is determined that this has to work. Arthur would never forgive himself if Uther died after this. It would hover above them like a dark shadow for the rest of their lives.  He is doing this for Arthur first, and for both of them second. 

Uther has to live… He has to live …. Merlin consciously pushes all the gold he’s got into this suffering body, willing it to relax and unwind. Because Uther has to live… Has to live..…. live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all readers for their patience and waiting longer than usual for this chapter! I am so delighted that so many of you left kudos and some comments! I really appreciate it and it does encourage me enormously.  
> I hope to post again by next Sunday at the latest which will most likely be the last chapter of this story. Unless Merlin or Arthur do something unexpected and make me write another chapter. :)


	20. Catharsis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I had a slight suspicion that Arthur and Merlin would take matters in their hands and just do as they please. What I am trying to say is that there is going to be one more chapter, but that this will definitely be the last one after this!  
> I would also like to thank childliketendencies for some inspiration and a lovely paragraph in the second half of the chapter!

The first thing he can sense is a regular thumping reverberating in his head and echoing somewhere inside his body. It is just there, noisy and insistent. Like the never ending beat of a drum. After a while he gets it. He can hear his heart beating.

The second thing pushing its way into his consciousness is a high pitched beeping that doesn’t want to go away. It is irritating. Beep – beep – beep – beep. It hurts his head. The piercing sound cuts painfully through the haze of his mind, and his head is begging for it to stop.

Next, he becomes aware of his arms and legs, heavy and drained, lying on a soft surface. The dull pressure inside his head and his chest makes him feel dizzy. What is this? Where is he? What’s going on?

He opens his eyes slowly and they fall straight onto Arthur who is standing by the window staring out into the night. At least he thinks it is late because of the dark and hazy dimness inside the room.

Still, he can make out that Arthur’s worn and exhausted. He has big black bags under his eyes, and his scruffy face is proof that he hasn’t shaven for a day or two. His clothes are crumpled as if he hadn’t changed for as long. But it’s the look on his face that does something to his soul.

He stares outside as if all hope was lost, his eyes gloomy and sad, and his mouth pressed into a thin line. He is the image of someone who has given up and doesn’t know how to keep going on. It stirs something inside him that he can’t describe. Something he hasn’t felt in a long time.  

“Arthur,” he croaks hoarsely and watches the blonde’s head fly around.

“You’re awake!” Arthur‘s eyes light up shortly as he walks towards him. He sits down next to him and mumbles. “I’m so glad, Father.”

Uther manages a half smile and a little squeeze of Arthur’s hand, and then his memory returns in a flash. The argument, the outrage he felt when he hit THAT queer, the pain, the panic and then the reluctant realization how much better he felt when the fag touched him. 

Uther was horrified when Merlin collapsed onto his chest with one big sigh. A queer all over him. He shudders silently at the thought. But when the paramedics gently lifted the tall heavy body off his own, the warm calm that had spread though him was gone, too. After that everything faded far far away.

Uther and Arthur just sit there for a while, neither saying anything. The heart monitor at the bedside keeps beeping away steadily while they’re both too unsure how to start talking.

It is Arthur who takes heart in the end. “You had a heart attack last night, Father. I asked the ambulance to bring you here, to St. Martin’s, as you would have wished.  They’ve given you medication and are in the procedure of doing all kinds of tests to stabilise you. You’re very lucky you are still here.”

Uther nods and appreciates that Arthur just tells him the truth outright. No farting around or mollycoddling. He really can’t stand that.

“They say the relaxation you received before the ambulance arrived saved your life.”  Arthur wants to make sure his father is under no false impression about this.

Uther vividly remembers the sudden wave of comforting warmth that helped his tense muscles to unwind and pushed his fear and pain aside. He doesn’t understand it.  How can it be? That someone like …. Merlin made him feel better? And that he’d volunteered to do that although he had punched the hell out of him just a little while earlier. He can’t fathom it. It is too much to take in. Too much for his head to think about it now.  

“So what happened to him?” he mumbles, full of hesitation, knowing that Arthur knows who he means, and feeling a tiny pang of guilt when his son’s face turns ashen.

“He’s still unconscious and whatever they’ve done, they haven’t succeeded so far to bring him back.” There’s unashamed anguish in his voice and just the mention of Merlin’s name has caused tears clouding his eyes. He looks utterly shattered and devastated and his hand is trembling when he loosens Uther’s grip from it.

“Arthur…,” Uther tries to get his son’s attention again. But Arthur turns away to dry his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. He doesn’t want to aggravate Uther with his feelings for Merlin the very minute he has woken up, even if it tears his heart into two thinking about him.

“Arthur…,”  Uther whispers again. What he has just seen on his son’s face has struck a chord deep inside. It reminds him achingly of what he felt when Ygraine died. When he sat outside a room in this very hospital and was raging with frustration and despair, knowing there was nothing he could do to save her. That it was all out of his hands. And when they had told him she was gone, he’d been overwhelmed by grief. His heart had died that day. The memory is suddenly alive because he recognizes the suffering on Arthur’s face, and it stirs a glimpse of understanding.

When Arthur turns round again, he faces his father and awkwardly rests his hand on his shoulder. It isn’t that Uther understands why his son loves another man. He probably never will.  And it isn’t that he condones it, either. He certainly never will.  But for one instant he has grasped what is going on inside his son’s heart. And in his current weak state of body and mind, he’s been able to access it and see it for what it is.

Uther wonders for a moment why Arthur is here. Despite his threat that he would disinherit him. Despite the insults he has thrown at him. Despite what he’s done to Merlin. It shows that despite all that, Arthur is loyal to him, and that his fear that Merlin would turn him into a completely different person was quite unfounded, maybe even completely untrue. Uther has to honour and respect that.  

“Glad, you’re here.” His voice is fading as his body demands more sleep and he hears Arthur mumble, “It is alright.” before he drifts off again.

Arthur leaves Uther’s room quietly and walks straight to the room across the hall where Merlin was put. For a second Arthur’s utterly grateful that his position allows him to utilize the privileges of a private hospital. How else could he have asked to put his father and partner quite close together so he could see them more easily.

He has spent most of his time since that dreadful evening here, going back and forth between them. Sitting with one and then the other. Of course Morgana, Gwen and the guys have been in and out, too. He is glad Uther has pulled through. From what the doctors said his heart attack could have been fatal quite easily. And it most likely would have been, hadn’t it been for Merlin. But to what cost!

Idiotic, selfless Merlin. Putting his own life in danger so willingly. Who gave the last of his energy to help Uther with his gold. And then collapsed without a word as if all life had been drained out of him. And now he’s lying here, his condition unchanged.

The doctors have examined him, run a list of tests as long as his arm, but found nothing that would explain why he is still unconscious. Yes, his head is heavily concussed and his nose is broken. His right eye is swollen and black and blue, his bottom lip’s split, and there are some major bruises on his lower back and his legs.  But apart from that there’s nothing seriously wrong with Merlin physically. Nothing to justify why he’s lying there as still and white as he was after Uther knocked him out.

His breathing is normal, and in fact he looks as if he is sleeping. But it is a sleep that won’t let him go. The doctors have allowed Arthur to stay in Merlin’s room and sleep in his bed because they hope that the close contact with someone he loves might bring him back. Arthur swallows hard as he throws off his jeans and slips under the blanket to snuggle up to Merlin as much as possible, just as he did the previous night. 

He is so exhausted and totally paralyzed by fear. What if this is it? What if Merlin never comes back? What if their time together was never meant to be? Arthur would like to cry but he hasn’t got any tears left and just feels hollow and empty. They’re going to put Merlin on a drip feed the next morning. He can’t bear the thought because it seems to lead down an avenue he doesn’t want to acknowledge. 

Arthur digs his head into Merlin’s shoulder and rests his hand on his hip. He gently strokes his battered face and whispers. “Love you…,” and then places a gentle kiss on his cheek. Even now, the warmth of Merlin’s body makes him feel better, and soothes his fears and anguish. 

“I need you, Merlin. Don’t leave me alone,” are his last words before he falls asleep.

A deep guttural groan wakes him up in the early hours of the morning. Arthur sits up, alarmed and unsure what’s going on. God, he is so hot! And he is sweating like a pig. The heat radiating between him and Merlin is intense. Then he realizes that he must have shifted during the night and that he has been half covering Merlin from top to toe.

Did Merlin react to the firm touch on his chest or was he simply hot? Arthur is trying to get his reasoning into gear. Merlin’s brain doesn’t register the triggers of his phobia when he is fast asleep. Arthur remembers the time when Merlin had dozed of next to him on the sofa in his apartment and he couldn’t help touching him. Merlin had fallen more or less on his hand with his chest when he moved in his sleep, but the phobia only set in once he woke up.  

So what the heck has happened just now? Why would Merlin groan as if he was in the utmost pain, as if he was having a panic attack? When he is totally unaware of his surroundings? Arthur has to find out. Needs to know what was able to reach Merlin in his unconscious state of mind. Because if he can figure out what gets through to him there could be chance to help him.

Shit. Arthur doesn’t really want to cause Merlin any more harm. He hasn’t forgotten how debilitating the panic attacks are for him. But this could hold the key to bring him back. And so he takes a deep breath and slips his hand gently under Merlin’s shirt. He begins to trace his scars lightly with the palm of his hand. Arthur’s heart is thumping like mad. Why does it feel like he’s violating Merlin? Like he is doing something forbidden?

His bad conscience is getting the better of him pretty quick, but just as he’s going to remove his hand, Merlin lets go of another moan. God – it looks like that it is Merlin’s fear that makes him react.

Encouraged by his findings Arthur continues stroking Merlin’s chest, running his fingers up and down, even increasing the pressure, and at the end he takes courage and puts his warm hand over Merlin’s heart, just above the three round burn marks.

“Come on, Merlin,” he mumbles, pouring all his emotions into his silent prayer.

There’s nothing but silence, for a minute and another one, and Arthur already shakes his head about his own stupidity. What the fuck was he thinking about? Making up his own theories about getting Merlin better? He doesn’t have a blooming scooby about medicine, after all.

He almost jumps out of his skin with fright, when a horrifying gurgle shatters the calm of the early morning an instant later. Startled, he takes his hand away just as Merlin’s eyes fly open and settle upon him.

“Arthur?” Merlin looks round the room in total confusion.

Arthur can’t believe his eyes, not understanding a thing. It looks like as if somehow Merlin’s fear has cut through his state of unconsciousness and pulled him back into the real world. Arthur is too relieved and too elated to really care about the how and why. The main thing is that Merlin has finally woken up. That he isn’t just a lifeless body anymore. That this will not end in bitter tears.

Merlin is trying to make head or tails of the whole situation, but is quite content to return Arthur’s tender kiss in the meantime. Hmm. It is a rather pleasant kiss, actually. Full of warmth and love, and Arthur’s lips feel so strong and so soft and so delicious, they make his head spin even more. Not that he cares. After all, he is in bed already should he faint.

“Need to breathe…” Merlin finally pulls away with a quiet, exhausted chuckle, completely oblivious to the reason why Arthur is so emotional.   

“What was that all about?” he enquires innocently as he gradually comes to his senses, and as soon as Arthur starts with, “Remember, we asked Uther to my apartment,” his memory clicks into place. Uther. Who hit him. Uther. The heart attack. Uther. His gold. And the darkness that followed. Merlin leans against the pillow behind him digesting what has happened.

“Why are we in a hotel now?” he eventually asks bewildered.

“You’re in the private hospital we usually use,” Arthur explains with a smile in his eyes and pushes some of Merlin’s wild dark locks out of his face.

“Hospital?” Merlin clearly struggles to combine the word with what he sees around him. Of course there’s no reason to doubt Arthur’s word. “Right.” Even in his befuddled state he is unable to hide his surprise. This certainly doesn’t look like the average hospital he has come across.

Then another thought hits him. “And your father?” he wonders, throwing a searching look at Arthur’s face.

“He survived and is on the way to recovery.” Arthur squeezes Merlin’s shoulder.  “Thanks to you.”

“Glad I could help,” Merlin mumbles, not quite sure what else he can say. Then he sinks against Arthur and they lie there, shoulder to shoulder, as Arthur fills him in with all the other missing pieces of the story.

“Sorry, I scared you.” Merlin is getting drowsy again and slurring his words.

“Sleep now and we will talk about everything later,” Arthur soothes him, watching Merlin take a contented sigh when he leans into him and then snoozes off into a recovering daze. Arthur, however, has no intentions of sleeping again. He is far too excited and too overwhelmed by relief and joy.

 

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Merlin’s recovers incredibly fast. It seems he is healing at double the speed of any other person, and the doctors are amazed by his quick progress. A week later he feels ready to leave the hospital or as he refers to it – his luxury five star suite. The swelling on his eye has receded and the concussion of his head has improved enough for him to go home. The doctors have prescribed more rest for another two weeks and made an appointment for a follow-up examination.

Arthur is going to pick him up in about an hour’s time.  Merlin is just putting his clothes into his bag when a nurse enters the room.

“Mr. Pendragon would like to have a word,” she says.

“That’s alright,” Merlin responds casually. “He will be here soon.”

“No, I don’t mean the young Mr. Pendragon. It is his father who’s asked to see you.”  The nurse smiles and points at the door opposite.

Uther? Of course Merlin is aware that Arthur’s father’s lying in the room across the hall. And he is glad that he’s getting better. Arthur has kept him informed about his improvements. But now Uther wants to see HIM, and he can’t help but feel uneasy about it. What on earth is the man up to now?

 _At least I’m in a hospital already this time_ , Merlin thinks sarcastically. So if anything else happens, he is right at the source of help. He grimaces and opens the door opposite his.

“Merlin.” There is surprise in Uther’s voice, as if he didn’t expect him to turn up. 

Well, no wonder. Merlin stops, just two steps into the room. Uther is looking well and no doubt will recover under the care of his first class doctors. He waves Merlin to come closer.

“You’re better?” Uther states the obvious, clearly unsure how to start this conversation although he’s had almost a week to think this over. 

“Thank you. I’m well enough,” Merlin answers politely, still uncertain what he’s doing here. “And you?” he adds mannerly.

“I’m getting there.” Uther coughs, slightly nervous. An emotion he isn’t exactly used to, and he hesitates a minute before he continues.

“I’m not a man of many words, Merlin.” Uther faces him full on. “And like Arthur I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings.” He stops again to run his tongue over his lips in thought.

“But the doctors have explained to me that I would be dead if it hadn’t been for you.” Uther gives Merlin an unreadable look. “And I would be acting against my code of honour and my manners if I didn’t express my gratitude for that.” 

Merlin is stunned into silence. Is Uther really trying to thank him? He senses how hard it has been for Arthur’s father to say the words. But he has said them. Even if it is more out of duty than conviction. He has said thank you… to him. But before Merlin can reply, Uther continues.

“I find it difficult to accept that I owe my life to someone like you.” Now there’s a lot more honesty in this. “But this is the fact, nonetheless. I owe you my life. And I know it deserves appreciation of some kind.”

“I’m fine with the thanks you’ve given me,” Merlin mumbles modestly. However, Uther continues as if he has not heard him.

 “I have advised my lawyers to drop the case against you.” There is hesitance in the words and slight disbelief, as if Uther can’t quite believe what he has done.

Merlin blinks once and then again. Now this means a lot, more than he will let on just now. It lifts a huge burden off his shoulders and more importantly releases the intense pressure Arthur has been under.

“Thank you,” Merlin replies simply. “I do appreciate it.”

“Sure you do.” The words are ringing with sarcasm, and this sounds much more like the Uther Merlin knows.

“Just … do not delude yourself. I will never welcome your relationship with my son.  Or your …” Uther’s lost for words for a couple of seconds, “… your sexual orientation.”  After all the emotional abuse Uther has thrown at Merlin before, this definitely sounds a lot more civil. Like Uther is making an effort not to be offensive.   Merlin takes note of it in total amazement. 

“But I saw how much Arthur took it to heart when he thought he was losing you to your ... illness.” Uther gives him a slight glare as if to threaten Merlin not to challenge him about the last word.

Merlin’s lips are twitching with laughter. Illness? Seems this is a synonym for a beating in Uther’s vocabulary. Thankfully, he manages to bite his lips just in time, because the next comment shocks him into silence.

“So for his sake I’m willing to turn a blind eye. To Arthur and you.”

Merlin’s eyes widen. Now this is huge. Really huge. Not that he would have expected Uther to welcome him with open arms. That was never going to happen. But if it is true what he’s just said, he is at least ready to leave them be and not put any more obstacles into their way. But what’s worth most is the fact that Uther is doing this for Arthur, that he is thinking about his son and what he wants for once. It is almost unbelievable. 

“As long as you two don’t touch in my presence…,” Uther adds quickly because he knows that this would drive him insane.

“That is very generous of you.” Merlin is as gracious as he can be. Despite all the uneasy caginess. He understands that this has been a massive decision for the man opposite him. No, it is actually momentous for someone as homophobic as Uther.  And Merlin realizes that he can’t ask for more. Not at this moment in time, maybe never. That would remain to be seen.

“Thank you,” Merlin repeats, just when Arthur pops his head in the door, an alarmed look on his face.

“Everyone alright?” he asks rhetorically because it’s obvious that neither his father nor Merlin look upset or hurt.

“We’re fine.” Uther waves his hand like a king who is dismissing his subjects and then demonstratively turns round and closes his eyes.

“See you later, Father,” Arthur says as he ushers Merlin out of the room.

“What was that all about?” Arthur stares at Merlin in worry, and his jaws drop when Merlin gives him the news.

“Fuck.  Is Arthur’s immediate reaction. “Fuck. You saved his life and he still can’t find it in himself to give his whole approval to us being together.” Arthur shakes his head in disbelief.

“That is all he’s able to give.” Merlin pacifies Arthur. “It was an enormous step for him to do that, so don’t be too hard on him.”

Arthur looks at Merlin with awe and incredulity. How can he be so bloody forgiving and understanding, after all Uther has done to him? What other man would do a thing like that? Arthur stops and impulsively pushes Merlin against the door leading to the stairs to find his lips and take command of them. His passionate kiss expresses everything that is in his heart right now.

“You’re a bloody miracle worker, Merlin.” Arthur brushes Merlin’s lips once more before he pulls away a little to look at Merlin. “And the best man I’ve ever met…, “and as his mouth moves down his chin and neck. “And the hottest….”

“I’m still recovering. So go easy on me!” Merlin laughs and takes his arm to lead him out of the hospital.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Merlin steps out of the shower dripping wet, looking for a towel. As usual he has forgotten to get one ready before.

“Merlin, you’re going to flood the whole building like that!” Arthur shouts exasperated and throws him a big fluffy bath sheet. He is in the middle of brushing his teeth, but his gaze has been caught by Merlin drying his hair, tossing the dark locks in all directions while his eyes are closed in concentration, and he is humming a tune … really badly.

Shit. This is just too much. Merlin doesn’t only look incredibly edible but also irresistibly endearing. The eyelashes clamped together by droplets of water, the irregular rivulets of liquid flowing down his chest, following the path of his happy trail and ending in the dark curls above his cock. The innocent look on his face, the croaking of his deep warm voice ... Arthur is rock solid by the time his eyes arrive at Merlin’s dick, which sits proudly there, pink and flushed from the warm water, and half erect.

Arthur knows he shouldn’t be so bloody desperate to touch. So far he stuck rigidly (and he grins at the word) to the doctors’ advice like super glue. Merlin was supposed to rest for two weeks, and rest means rest. Which means no sex. Not even jerking each other off. And he’s resisted temptation bravely so far. Despite insistent complaints from Merlin, and his reassurances that he was utterly, totally fine. Despite Merlin trying to seduce him on at least three occasions and to persuade him that the emotional stimulus of an orgasm would definitely help him to get better.

Arthur sighs. The two weeks are up tomorrow and he has the strange suspicion Merlin is making a display of himself deliberately. To tease him and see how long he can keep his endurance up. To find out what it takes to break his iron resolve.

As Arthur’s eyes rake over Merlin’s lean body he willingly admits that Merlin is succeeding on all levels to break him down. He longs to touch Merlin just there, where the dark curls nestle above his cock. The urge to give into the sudden need to reach out and run a finger down that smooth skin in the dip between Merlin’s torso and hip, to let that finger ghost along just above that tantalizing spot where the downy line of dark hair vanishes under the towel and follow it all the way.

Merlin throws Arthur a suggestive look under his eyelashes and shakes his head to get rid of some extra moisture in his hair like a wet dog. Water sprays in all directions.

“Hey, watch what you’re doing!” Arthur’s been hit by the brunt of it and gets a towel to dry himself off.

“Wait.” Merlin’s husky voice is beside him out of nowhere. “I’ll do that for you.”

The blatant need and simmering desire in the few words make Arthur feel dizzy with want. Merlin takes the towel gently out of Arthur’s hands and starts dabbing him dry. On his shoulders and his back first, then on his butt and his thighs, and once he has finished his task, his lips follow the towel with an array of needy, sucky kisses.

And when Merlin turns him round to tend to his front, Arthur knows he is lost. He longs for Merlin’s hands to touch him, yearns to feel his spikey gold rushing through his veins and taking him to the heights of pleasure.

But Merlin continues to dry him leisurely, taking painstaking care to reach every little nook and cranny of his muscular chest, and his arms and his front legs. Kissing and nibbling his way through every inch of bare skin. Arthur shudders under his administrations and lets out little sobs of eagerness and urgency.

“Playing unfair,” he pushes out between laboured breathing and willingly gives in when Merlin takes his hand to pull him through to the bedroom.

But there’s no way Merlin is going to have the last word in this. As soon as they reach the bed Arthur takes him by the shoulders and shoves him on to the bed, straddling him underneath. He expects Merlin to struggle and fight him as he usually does, just for the fun of it, but today he feigns defeat and just lies there, looking up at him, his eyes dark with devotion and surrender. 

“I’m yours,” he whispers.

Arthur can’t keep his eyes off that mouth and those lips and that neck and that look on Merlin’s face, the look expressing so vividly that Arthur is everything to him. That he is all Merlin ever wanted. And Arthur knows he must look exactly the same.

“Yes,” he repeats in a daze. “You are mine.” And then, more impatient and with serious promise.” And I’m going to prove it.”

He bends over to claim those gorgeous lips, to devour that mouth until neither can breathe any longer, and when Arthur moves his lips down Merlin’s neck he notices a mole he can’t remember seeing before. Small and dark brown and perfectly round and oh so inviting.

“Look at that,” he mumbles and runs tiny circles around it with his fingertips. Teasingly and light and with the intention to tickle. Then he flicks his warm, wet tongue over it, breathing on the hot skin to cool it down immediately afterwards. Goose bumps spring up on Merlin’s arms and legs, and he groans and bucks his hips against Arthur who is thoroughly gratified by the reaction.

“You like that now…don’t you.” He grins a tiny bit maliciously, and decides on the spot to go on a mole hunt. Every time he spots one, he repeats his treatment until Merlin is a tingling, squirming mess, his cock aching between his legs and soaked with precome. Arthur ravishes the view before him when he finally finishes. Merlin giving himself up to him, his head thrown back and his cheeks flushed. 

Merlin takes Arthur’s hand and joins it with his to wrap them round both their cocks,  and as they move their hands in unison, pressing the hot flesh together and their thumbs rubbing circles on the top to slicken the hard lengths, the urgency for relief is becoming unbearable.

“Stop.” Merlin’s breath is ragged as he uses all his willpower to keep himself from coming. “I’m too close.” His heart is hammering while his gold runs amok inside him. He knows Arthur can feel the intensity of it, too.

“Shhh.” Arthur bends over him and kisses him slow and deep and soft, and Merlin is flush with want and desperation for relief. He lifts his legs instinctively and locks his ankles behind Arthur’s head exposing his most intimate part, offering himself to the man he loves. He is so lost in the wave of passion he doesn’t even notice that Arthur has slicked his fingers with lube. He yelps with delight when he feels one slipping inside working his tight heat, caressing the taut muscles and spreading him further and further with every move. And then another finger follows and another.

“Please ...” Merlin couldn’t care less if it sounds like begging because it is all getting too much, far too much to take. He hears Arthur tearing the condom packet open and an instant later his blunt tip is pressing hard against his entrance. Merlin bends in two with a breathless groan when Arthur pushes in, and he shudders and moans and wants more of Arthur, wants to be filled up to the brim with him.

Arthur stills for a moment so he can adjust, but then surprises Merlin with a hard thrust forward. Merlin cries out in surprise, and fuck, he feels so wanted and owned it takes his breath away. He can feel Arthur all over and inside him, his scent, his moans, his tongue as he claims his lips while he’s pounding into him deeper and deeper. He’s never felt more part of another soul and another body, and Arthur hardly needs to touch his cock before he almost blacks out with the intensity of his climax. He feels Arthur spill inside him the next second, moaning with passion and clawing the blanket underneath him in desperate satisfaction before he sinks down beside him, rolling them both round in the procedure.

They both recover slowly, their hearts slowing and their breath relaxing, before they lock eyes.

“Worth the wait?” Arthur grins at Merlin with that lop-sided smile that makes his heart beat faster every time.

“Hardly.” Merlin’s eyes twinkle as he pushes his hips towards Arthur’s, savouring the feeling of Arthur inside him. “But not a bad effort…,” he chuckles.

“You might regret saying that.” Arthur slips out of Merlin and smacks his butt with quite a bit of ferocity.

“Ouch! Have you forgotten I’m still recovering?” Merlin grins as innocently as he can, while he mourns the emptiness Arthur’s left behind.

“Not a bad effort?” Arthur repeats, taking up the challenge, and he eyes Merlin in a rather predatory way. “Well, maybe I need some more practice.” And then he buries his face into Merlin’s damp hair before he dedicates himself to the exploration of his ears.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

There’s a feeling of incredible peace and lightness inside his heart when Merlin wakes. He grins at the thought of last night. Of course Arthur was true to his word, as always, and they made love so often he felt woozy by the end of it, when they eventually succumbed to exhaustion and fell asleep in each other’s arms.

He can’t remember ever feeling so happy. He would have never thought anyone could be as giving and open and wonderful as Arthur. It is something he would have never expected of anyone. But there it is. Arthur has given him the ability to trust, the courage to accept his debility, the will-power to face his insecurities, and, most of all, the belief that he is worth to be loved. 

And yet, one thing still dampens the bliss inside him. 

Merlin would like to give Arthur something back. He is well aware that the man he loves is suffering because he can’t touch him the way he’d like. Fuck, it is amazing how the blond copes with keeping away from his sensitive spots. But this is not fair. Merlin loves putting his hands all over Arthur, but he can, and Arthur should be able to do the same.

He trusts Arthur with his body and his mind like no one before. Of course Lance was always close to his heart and his best friend, as were his mum and Gaius and Gwen, and he loves them all. But his love for Arthur goes way beyond that. Suddenly Merlin knows exactly what he wants to do.

“You’re looking very serious,” Arthur mumbles half-asleep with a smile on his face as he wakens slowly.

“Morning,” Merlin whispers and kisses him softly on his neck.

“Hmm. Nice.” Arthur sounds so sated and happy, and Merlin loves the fact that this is his doing, nobody else’s. He slowly runs a finger along that gorgeous jaw line.

“You’re making me hard again and I’m dead beat,” Arthur complains, contradicting himself as he throws his arms around Merlin’s neck, pulling him in for a kiss.

“Arthur?” Something in Merlin’s voice makes him look up.

“I’m going to ask you a favour.” Arthur looks up in surprise. Now that is unusual, because Merlin’s never asked anything of him before.

“Whatever you want, Merlin,” he answers, waiting in anticipation what Merlin is going to say.

“Hold me,” Merlin says earnestly. “Hold me close.”

Arthur feels suddenly completely awake. “What?” Surely, he has misheard Merlin?

“I want you to hold me tight,” Merlin repeats, returning Arthur’s confused look with calmness and determination.

“But…,“ Arthur doesn’t want to hurt Merlin. There’s been enough pain in his life. But Merlin shows his usual streak of stubbornness.

“Just… hold me, please,” he says, looking at Arthur with hopeful eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, coming up to the grand finale next week! LOL. Hope you enjoyed this!  
> Please note that I will post at the latest on Sunday!!


	21. All is gold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter is always the hardest to write.  
> Not only because you try to tie everything together into a fitting ending, but because you need to let go of your characters.  
> Yet, it has to be done. So here it is. And as usual, the last chapter is the longest.
> 
> Hope it does not disappoint!

Arthur isn’t quite sure what to say or what to think. Of course he’s been tempted to pull Merlin in and hug him properly. Of course he’s been wondering how it would feel to have Merlin’s skin close to his. It’s only natural when you’re in love with somebody.  As normal as this may be, he is embarrassed by even thinking about it. Because he promised Merlin that he can cope with his sensitivity, and that he wouldn’t ask for something he can’t give. 

Why is Merlin offering this to him now? Has he given himself away at one point? Has he made it so obvious that he can’t help thinking about this now and then? He concludes he must have. Why else would Merlin mention it? Shame creeps up inside him and he cringes at his own selfishness. If Merlin is doing this only for him, there’s no way he can accept.

“Why are you doing this?” Arthur asks and searches Merlin’s eyes for an answer.

Merlin senses Arthur’s hesitation and guilt and concludes correctly that Arthur won’t agree to this as long as he believes it is only for his benefit. So Merlin has to twist this slightly to take the burden off Arthur’s shoulders. 

“I’ve never had anyone hug me, you know, skin to skin, for years.” Merlin returns Arthur’s gaze earnestly. “I really want to do this, just for once,” he says with conviction, when he knows he wants this for Arthur first and foremost. Of course Merlin does want it for himself on some level, too, because it seems like a missing piece in a big jigsaw. But then again he has lived through the consequences of anyone touching him on the sensitive parts of his skin too often.

Arthur has watched Merlin closely, trying to fathom out whether his explanation is genuine. He decides that Merlin sounds pretty convincing, even if he isn’t totally convinced about Merlin’s motives. So he looks at him and gives a sigh of resignation.

“Right then. How are we going to do this?” He waits for Merlin’s instructions.

“Hmmm. We … kind of … embrace???” Merlin’s voice is going up at the end of the sentence as if he has no idea what the heck Arthur is on about.

“Okay. I obviously need to spell this out for you.” Arthur smiles and rubs Merlin’s head with his knuckles.

“Do you want to do this…. standing up, sitting down, lying in bed, slowly, quickly, before a shower, after a shower, this morning or later today …,” Arthur laughs out loud when he sees Merlin rolling his eyes. “I could go on ...” 

“I see what you mean. You need a full-blown manual for this, don’t you?  Merlin grins sarcastically and ignores Arthur’s mumbled “Idiot.” He knows where Arthur is coming from. He is simply worried about doing something wrong and hurting him in the process.

Merlin brushes over Arthur’s cheek lightly. “Listen. The panic attack will happen. It doesn’t matter where I am, but as you’re asking, I think we should stay where we are.  If I buckle over we’re far safer in bed than standing up.” Arthur nods in agreement.  Now that makes a lot of sense.

“I want to feel you all over me,” Merlin mumbles huskily. Arthur bites his lips and starts rubbing his chin as he always does when he is nervous. 

“And what am I supposed to do when it starts?”

“Hold me tight or weigh me down with your body, until I say stop.” Merlin wants to give Arthur the chance to savour this moment and is determined to keep himself as much in check as he possibly can. “Not any sooner … whatever happens.”

Arthur seems to become more and more unsettled by the second. He hates being the catalyst for something that’s going to cause Merlin misery.

“Promise.” Merlin locks eyes with him and doesn’t let go before Arthur agrees.

“Right then, ready?” Merlin whispers, and suddenly they look at each other in awkwardness, neither quite sure where to start something as simple as that.

Merlin shifts towards Arthur, and at that moment the blond does the same. Arthur stretches out his arms tentatively and Merlin slides into his embrace slowly. Then Arthur closes his eyes and his arms, putting his hands gently on Merlin’s back and pulling him as close as he can. And Merlin wraps his arms round Arthur and squeezes him tightly.

They both jerk at the sensation when their bodies come in contact with each other. It is delicate and sensuous first, and then changes into a flood of intense emotions when Merlin’s gold rushes towards Arthur in spikey waves, finding their way into every fibre of Arthur’s welcoming body.

And it is breath-taking and beautiful, and they both gasp at the overwhelming joy sparking through them. It is as if they’re bonding on a different level. The glorious sensation lasts only for seconds, though. Then the phobia takes over.

Arthur feels Merlin’s body getting tense, and then heat starts radiating from it. God, he’s actually able to sense Merlin’s heart thumping against his chest, his heart so close to his. In panic. Merlin is trembling violently now, shaking in Arthur’s arms like a leaf swept away by a gust of wind. Sweat is dripping down his forehead and neck, and he finds it difficult to breathe freely. 

Instinct tells Arthur to let go of Merlin in order to release him from the torture he has so readily chosen. It is heart-breaking to watch him attempting to control his wayward body, and yet unwilling to give up his place in Arthur’s arms.

“Merlin. Please ... Say the word,” Arthur mumbles into Merlin’s ear, unsure whether his voice is actually reaching him. Surprisingly Merlin shakes his head and clings to Arthur even harder. 

Shit. Why is Merlin so bloody stubborn? Maybe there’s something Arthur can do to take his mind off his torment. To distract him from the gripping fear.

Kissing is the first thing coming to mind. Maybe Arthur’s brain does work quite simply, but he knows how much Merlin enjoys it. So what is there to lose? 

Arthur finds Merlin’s lips and claims them, possessively and rough, and Merlin’s groan proves that the sensation is getting through to him. Encouraged by the reaction Arthur really goes to town now, and he bites and sucks Merlin’s mouth as if his life depended on it. It turns this into the filthiest kiss they have ever shared, and Merlin responds, groaning under his breath, moaning at each touch and opening his lips up hungrily. Then, out of nowhere, he jerks back, separates from Arthur and stares at him with big eyes.

“What are you doing?” 

“Hmmm…..” Arthur hasn’t got the tiniest clue what Merlin is on about. “Kissing you?”

Merlin grimaces at his confused look. Arthur sits up and shakes his head in complete disbelief. 

“Are you going to tell me what is going on or do I have to get Sherlock to solve this mystery?” Arthur knows that something has happened, something of importance, but he is completely in the dark what it could be.

“Kiss me again,” Merlin whispers and slides back into Arthur’s arms. Who almost yelps in shock at the surprise of the sudden contact and then at the onset of another panic attack. Merlin is coiling up in himself and Arthur has to use a lot more muscle to keep him in his arms this time.

There’s no point having a discussion at this stage, so he does as he’s been asked and pours his whole heart into the kiss, his lips exploring Merlin’s mouth, lush and voluptuous and utterly delectable.

“I love you,” he mumbles, while taking breath and before losing himself in his task. All of his mind is on Merlin. How much it means to hold him; how much it humbles him to be trusted that deeply, how much he treasures that Merlin is doing this. And all the time Merlin’s gold is rippling through him as if it mirrors his feelings deep down.

“Stop!” Merlin finally peels himself away from Arthur. He’s covered in sweat from top to toe now and his breathing is short and laboured. But when he faces Arthur, he doesn’t look distraught or hopeless. Quite the contrary. There’s a spark in the back of his eyes that looks suspiciously like delight.

“Will you tell me what the heck is going on, Merlin?” Arthur is getting impatient now.

“You’re sure that you did nothing particular there?” Merlin repeats, his mind clearly occupied and far away.

“Nothing but kiss you.” Arthur glowers at Merlin in quiet irritation. He wants to know what is going on. NOW.

“What exactly do you feel when I channel my energy into you?”

Arthur can’t believe it. How exasperating can Merlin be? Another bloody question, rather than an answer. It is just as well he is quite a patient person. Well. Mostly.

“Warmth, relaxation, calm, happiness.” The thought alone makes Arthur smile, even though worry, confusion and impatience are very prominent inside him at this moment. “It makes me feel in tune with you and everything around us,” he adds. “It is a wonderful gift you have.”

“Okay.” Merlin gnaws at his lips, still not saying any more while Arthur scratches his head in total frustration.

“Let’s do this one more time, a bit longer though.” Merlin has that determined, tenacious look on his face. 

“Surely THEN you will tell me?” Arthur needs to have some assurances before he commits himself to another few minutes of being kept in the dark.

Merlin looks at him absent-minded, his head obviously preoccupied by something else. “Sure, sure.” And when he moves towards Arthur, he seems to do it for another purpose than just feeling close.

“Do exactly what you did before,” Merlin says quietly as he prepares himself to the onslaught of panic and fear … and Arthur’s insistent lips.

And this time Merlin is sure. It is unbelievable, but it can’t be anything else. First, there’s his phobia, claiming him and shaking him to the bone, making him breathless and tightening his muscles all over. He is still aware of his gold hurtling towards Arthur, entering his body and caressing him. 

Arthur’s mouth is on him, just like before, kissing him with so much dedication and so much passion. The sensation cuts through the trembling and sweating and hyperventilating, and his whole mind is overwhelmed by it. And that’s when it happens:

He feels warmth spreading all over him, streaming through his body meeting his gold and joining it in huge swirls of blissful energy. And as it swells inside him, circulating in every cell, swooshing back and forth between Arthur and him, he realizes it for what it is. It is his own gold …  bouncing straight back from Arthur into him.

It is weird, experiencing what he knows only from reports of others. But how? He has no time to think about it because all he understands is this. 

The power of this exchange is helping him fight the phobia that’s trying to get the upper hand. It pushes and shoves it aside and to the back of his consciousness, swallowing the intensity of the attack and making him calmer and so much more in charge. It seems there’s a steady flow of energy between him and Arthur, pulsing as long as their bodies are pressed together tightly and surging to overcome the debilitating vibes of his fear.

The moment when his body starts unwinding and surrendering to the whirling energy, the moment it triumphs over the fear, for now at least, that moment when his reflected gold pushes his panic so far away he can hardly determine it any more, is exquisite. A huge breath escapes him as he buries his head in Arthur’s shoulder, tears streaming down his face, speechless and overcome by elation. For the first time in years, as far as he can remember, he is at total inner peace. In Arthur’s arms, and his gold is everywhere, pulsing inside them and wrapping them in a cocoon of inner light, binding them together like two sides of the same coin.

It is Arthur who breaks the magic this time. He tears himself away from Merlin’s lips and stares at him.

“What’s happening?” he asks, totally flabbergasted. “You … have stopped shaking.” And then he realizes something else. “You’ve been crying. Merlin, tell me, please…”

This time Merlin does answer his question. As far as he can. He has never felt his gold himself, but it is exactly like people described it to him. Somehow Arthur has been sending it back to him. How is that even possible?    

Merlin remembers how he was vaguely aware of it in hospital for the first time, when he woke up. He still felt the heat of Arthur’s body on him. Arthur told him he had touched him, trying to reach him through his fear after that, and that he thought it worked.

What Merlin experienced a few seconds before seems to prove the theory. Back then, in hospital, it wasn’t the fear he reacted to, but to his own gold that Arthur channelled back into him. THAT had woken him and helped him to heal.

This also explains his miraculous recovery. His gold seems to be more potent when it is returned to him, layered with Arthur’s love and his wish for him to get better.

“How…? Arthur looks at Merlin dumbfounded. All this just sounds too weird and totally crazy, even if it makes complete sense in some strange sort of way.    
  
“How the heck can I do that without knowing that I’m doing it?” Arthur doesn’t get it. Surely you need skill for something like that or natural ability like Merlin.

“What were you thinking when you kissed me?” Merlin wonders scratching his chin like a detective who weighs up the facts.

“Of you, and what I feel about you, and how much I enjoy kissing you there and there…,” he smiles while his fingertip is touching Merlin’s bottom lip and his neck.  And then he grins mischievously “... and that I love the fact my kisses give you a hard on.”

“Steeping down low, I see.” Merlin has to suppress a laugh, but quickly turns serious again.

“You know what all this means, don’t you?” This is such a momentous revelation he is almost scared to speak it aloud. Arthur raises his eyebrow and waits, although he has good inkling what Merlin might say.

“If we practise regularly I might be able to get my phobia under control to an extent that we can touch each other like any other normal person.” Merlin is blinking the tears away. He has hoped for a chance like this all his life. The chance to be touched like anyone else, to have a normal relationship and a life without fear.

“Nothing against practising, “Arthur mumbles into his ear, nibbling softly at its shell. 

“Naughty ...,” Merlin whispers, not exactly opposing.

“Still don’t understand what I’m doing to make this happen.” Arthur is dedicating himself to Merlin’s left ear now. “As long as it does.” He mumbles absent-mindedly as he traces Merlin cheekbones with his thumb.

“Maybe Gaius can help,” are Merlin’s last words before he slides down Arthur’s chest leaving a trail of kisses behind.

 

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Arthur has woken before Merlin as usual. He is admiring the view outside the big bay window of the bedroom. It looks like they’re going to be lucky with the weather this weekend. The early morning sun is painting the rolling hills and fields around them in varying shades of green. It looks serene and beautiful. And so peaceful. He loves this spot… and this house. It is the perfect weekend retreat.

They bought the cottage about eight months ago. Arthur can virtually see Merlin grimacing at the term ‘cottage’ because he always does when he uses the word. A four bedroomed house with two garages, an indoor pool, a huge conservatory, several utility rooms, a large patio, simply doesn’t fit that description in his vocabulary. Even if the house originates from an old farming cottage. 

They spent the last few months redecorating and furnishing the place and put their own stamp onto it. Which has turned out to be a compromise between cosy and classy. Both their hearts are in it and it is clear to see.

Arthur wanted to have a place belonging to both of them, where they can relax in peace and do as they like without having to expect a report in the tabloids the next day, just like what happened after he announced his divorce from Vivien. The media went absolutely wild then. He had reporters follow his every step and hound him down wherever he went for weeks.  

That had been a hell of a time because Merlin and he were forced to be careful not to be seen together yet again. News about another partner, and a male one at that, could have been potentially very damaging so soon after the divorce.

But that time went past, and when they started to appear casually together in public places, there was gossip to start with, which was to be expected. They made sure to be cautious and discreet, and people got used to seeing Merlin at Arthur’s side. The papers, desperate to explain Merlin’s repeated presence at Arthur’s side, eventually decided to call him his adviser. Well, there was truth in that in so many ways, Arthur saw no reason to oppose the term.

Now however, Arthur is getting fed up with the pretence and with keeping something secret that means so much to him. And the thought of how and when they could make their relationship public has been with him for quite a while. It is neither right that Merlin should have to hide who he truly is nor that they’re unable to show the world that they belong to each other.

Arthur looks fondly at Merlin who’s still fast asleep, his arm curled round Arthur’s body and snuggled closely to his chest. There is a look of innocence about him that tears at Arthur’s heart strings. It is inconceivable how Merlin has kept his youthful spirit and boyish charm despite what life threw at him at such a young age.

A tiny moan escapes Merlin’s mouth and he stirs a little before he opens an eye to search for Arthur.

“Awake?” he sighs in disbelief, as if he can’t quite comprehens how anyone can look THAT corpus mentis at such an early time. He promptly falls back on Arthur’s chest.  Yes, Arthur’s chest. Hmm. A contented grunt follows.

Merlin brain cells are starting to pull together and function gradually. And then he grins. A beaming smile, just to himself.

No need to say that Arthur notices. “What are you smiling at? All the beauty you see before you?” he teases Merlin and slips both his arms round him.

“Anyone else in here?” Merlin pretends to look around the room with one eye open, barely concealing a cheeky grin. He will never get enough of being so close to Arthur, of feeling his skin right on his own, of savouring the heat of his body when he’s lying next to him. Because it is a bloody miracle he can.

They saw Gaius the day he found out about Arthur and his gold and asked him if he could offer them any explanation.

Gaius looked at the two young men in front of him rather flabbergasted for a long time, and then sat down in his big, comfy armchair. He was pondering a while over the question before he eventually spoke.

“You’re a question that has never been asked, Merlin,” he said with his eyes smiling.  “So when it comes to your gold, my guess is as good as yours.”

And, when disappointment started to shadow Arthur’s and Merlin’s face, he continued, “There’s one theory that might give you the truth you’re seeking for, and it is staring into your face, when you think about it.”  Merlin and Arthur exchanged a quick surprised glance.

“Merlin, as we know your gold is drawn from the energy all around us. I explained as much to Arthur when he came to see me about it. But love also creates a very strong flow of energy between two people. It is something we all experience in different ways. Of course you are special, Merlin, because you can mould and shape this energy when you have some form of physical contact.”

The suspense of the moment is still tangible, even now. But Gaius triggered some kind of a vague idea where he was heading with this. 

“It looks like you two closed a circuit when you fully embraced. Merlin’s gold streamed into you, Arthur, and then your positive energy, your love, returned it to Merlin. This exchange created an inner flow of light and devotion, forging an infallible connection between you. That’s what you reacted to, Merlin. First in the hospital and then when you embraced.”

Merlin swallowed hard trying to grasp the full meaning of this. “My phobia ... it reacted to my gold,” he whispered, pale with excitement and full of anticipation. So it was as he had suspected.

Gaius raised his eyebrow. “It seems it did, Merlin. Which is very interesting.”

“You think it might help me?” Merlin had waited too long to ask the question.

“There’s a good chance. Even if the effect might be only for the length of time you two are hugging. Only the future will tell how this is going to work out.”

 

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Uther is the perfect gentleman. He steps out of the car and helps Hunith into the back seat himself, rather than let George do it for him  Even if he’s at a total loss how he is going to get through the next half an hour. 

Arthur and Merlin invited them round to christen their new home, and asked him to give Hunith a lift as Ealdor was on his journey anyway. So here he is, settling next to her and asking the chauffeur to move on.

At least he’s got his well-trained manners to fall back on. “I’m very pleased to meet you, Mrs. Emrys,” he says, offering his hand.

Hunith gives him a warm smile and readily shakes it. “The pleasure is mine. And please, call me Hunith. It feels a lot more appropriate under the circumstances.”

The circumstances. Uther sighs without realizing. It has been more than difficult to accept it. Arthur living with a man. In sin. Against human nature. 

He would have to be blind though not to see the difference in his son since Merlin has been with him. He laughs more and is a lot more outgoing. His confidence has soared and he’s become a partner in business in so many ways, rather than an employee. Which is just as well because he was advised by his doctors to retire gradually over the last year.

They warned him after his heart attack that his heart wouldn’t function as well as it had done and that it might affect his stamina and ability to work. He ignored their advice to start with, but had to realize very quickly it was in his interest to listen. And so he had passed on more and more of his work load to Arthur. Who had blossomed with his new responsibilities. He is popular with the employees and has made some pretty shrewd business decisions for the benefit of Pendragon Inc.

In fact, Uther has had to admit to himself that Arthur has grown in stature and has become much more the man he’d always hoped he would be. He likes to think that Arthur has inherited his aptitude for business from him. But he can’t explain why it shows so much more since Merlin’s been around. He is certainly proud of what his son achieved for the company the last few months. That’s why he is going to hand Pendragon Inc. over to him at the end of the month. 

Still, it’s been hard seeing Arthur and Merlin together, knowing they share a bed.  They’ve kept their word and never touch in his presence. He appreciates that, but it is hard to miss the loving looks they throw each other and the smiles they share. And each time his stomach churns. Now however, he’s sitting beside the mother of Merlin.  Merlin, who he beat up badly and hospitalized only a few months ago. What the fuck can he say to her? He has never met the woman before and the only thing connecting them is what he did to her son.

He eyes Hunith from the side. She is tall, slim and has a good figure for a woman of her age. Her high cheekbones give her face delicate features although she isn’t beautiful in the conventional sense. Her hands tell of many years of hard labour and her greying dark hair cascades wildly around her face. Uther can tell she’s a simple woman who’s had a tough life, but she exudes a calm integrity and honesty he can’t ignore. Most of all she seems totally at ease. Unlike him.

Hunith senses his gaze and looks up.  Her striking blue eyes are searching his face and eventually she smiles kindly. “Uther…. I may call you that?” she wonders.

“Of course,” Uther agrees immediately, and he can’t believe how embarrassed he is after her next words. 

“There’s no need to feel awkward.”

“Well…,” Uther hesitates. “It isn’t that long ago I injured your son quite badly.” A hint of guilt is rising inside him. For the first time.

Hunith furrows her brows. “Yes, these were some of the worst days of my life,” she says so casually Uther has no idea how to react. If someone had done to Arthur what he’d inflicted on Merlin he would be raging by now. And what does she mean with ‘some’?

“But they are past now,” she concludes.  “And I’ve never seen Merlin as happy as he is now. That is all that counts.”

Uther remains silent for a minute, desperately trying to find the right answer. There isn’t any. And out comes what has been on his mind all along.

“I’m wondering.” Uther can’t remember ever being that tongue tied before. “Did you always know that Merlin was … you know?” 

Hunith tries not to smile and helps him out. “Gay.” She faces a completely mortified Uther and gently puts a hand on his arm.

“It is another way to love, Uther. Nothing more, nothing less. And to answer your question. Merlin simply told me one day, when he was sixteen.”

Uther pales. “And what did you do?” His eyes are glued to her face.

“I told him that he was my son, and I wanted him to be happy whatever he chose to be.” 

Uther attempts very hard to wrap his mind around this. How was Hunith capable of so much acceptance and understanding? She is a woman of a similar age as him. Surely she was brought up with similar values, values that didn’t condone what Arthur and Merlin were.

 “You didn’t mind?” he asks rather surprised.

“Whether I minded or not was not the point, Uther. My son is born the way he is.  Nobody will change him. And I don’t want him changed. I will always want him to be who he is. A warm, funny, sensitive and incredibly kind man. Why would I stop loving him for bearing his soul to me, for trusting me with something that isn’t easy to admit.” She throws Uther a knowing look.

Why does Uther get the impression he has just been told off?  “But Arthur… he never showed any signs of interest for that kind of thing before he met Merlin.” Uther is trying to semi-defend himself. 

“I remember when he was a little boy…,“ and then he shares some of his memories about Arthur’s youth while Hunith throws in one or the other question. 

It is a talk that keeps them busy all the way until they reach their destination.

 

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Arthur is nervous. Really nervous.  Merlin is well aware of it. His body language gives him away. The way he rubs his chin every two seconds. The way he keeps checking his watch every five seconds. It makes Merlin wonder if all this was such a good idea.  Get all their family together. In one spot. At the same time. With them clearly a couple.

But there is Uther’s car now and it is far too late to reconsider.

“Father.” Arthur walks up to Uther to shake his hand. Any close personal contact with his father has been very uneasy since he found out. He marvels at Merlin and Hunith who are standing right next to them hugging each other warmly. Is it easier for a woman to have a gay son? Surely not.

“When are Morgana and Leon coming?” Uther enquires to get past the stage of awkwardness.

“Should be here in half an hour,” Arthur answers and smiles. He is looking forward to seeing the two of them again. He hasn’t seen them for almost a year and was so surprised when Morgana phoned the previous week to tell him they were going to fly out to England two days later.

For the time being though, Arthur and Merlin give each their parents a tour of the house and then settle them on a patio chair in the sunshine on the terrace.

“Arthur!” Morgana’s voice cuts through their conversation, and a second later she flies into Arthur’s arms, hugging him with all her might. And Leon follows not too far behind, beaming widely.

“Oh my God. Arthur. This is gorgeous!” she cries out as she moves across to Merlin to embrace him carefully and kiss him on the cheek. “Missed you,” she whispers and Merlin blushes.

“What is it with the two of you?” Arthur laughs and embraces both of them.

“Leave Merlin to me for just a few minutes. Will you?” Morgana teases and drags Merlin away from the rest. “Come on, Merlin. Show me round.” And they disappear upstairs.

Leon grins at Arthur and gives him a manly hug. “If I didn’t know what I do know, I would definitely worry,” he says with a smile, turning round to greet Uther and Hunith and settle down to share their conversation.

Meanwhile Morgana and Merlin have reached the upstairs bathroom.

“A sunken bath? Really, Merlin,” Morgana giggles.

“You know fine this was Arthur’s idea. I couldn’t talk him out of that one.” Merlin rolls his eyes. Then he eyes Morgana and simply ask, “So why did you want to see me?”

Morgana beams at him. “There isn’t much I can hide from you, is there?”

Merlin chuckles. “Of course you can. But you, tearing me away from the crowd like that was rather obvious.”

“God, Merlin. If you and Arthur weren’t such a perfect match, and Leon wasn’t the one for me…, ” she winks at him.

Merlin laughs out loud. “Is that supposed to be a compliment?”

“It is. So be grateful.” Morgana gives Merlin a tight hug without thinking. And then shies away.

“I haven’t done anything I shouldn’t?” she asks with a worried look on her face.

“My phobia? It is so much better, thanks to Arthur. I can do even do this.” And he hugs her back with fervour.

“You two are amazing.” Morgana eyes him with wonderment before she starts tearing up all of a sudden.

“Hey, hey. What is it with you? What did you want to tell me?” Merlin says softly and squeezes her arm.

“Merlin, Leon and I ... we’ve just bought a property outside London. We’re moving back to England in two months’ time.”

Merlin just stares and gapes. “What?! But that is phenomenal! Brilliant. I can’t hardly believe it. That’s brilliant news, so why on earth are you looking that worried?”

Morgana takes a deep breath before she reveals further news. She simply isn’t sure how this will be received.

“I’m pregnant, Merlin!” she says, throwing him a coy look, uncertainty in her words and gaze.

“Shit!  Arthur’s going to die from excitement! Being an uncle and you being here! He’s going to love this.” Merlin is smiling like a Cheshire cat.

“You really think so?” Morgana is clearly not sharing his opinion.

Merlin is confused. Why does Morgana assume Arthur wouldn’t be pleased?

“See, I’m worried he might feel threatened in his position at the company. With me producing an heir now, and coming back, and all that. Will he not think I’m trying to fall into his back? “ And at that she breaks down in tears. “I just want to be close to him again. I miss him so much and you and …,” and then she buries her head into Merlin shoulder and sobs.

Merlin rubs her back affectionately. It is pretty clear, even to him, that Morgana’s changing hormones are getting the better of her and causing most of this upset because what she is saying doesn’t make a lot of sense.

“Are you listening to yourself, Morgana?” he says quietly,placing her on the chair next to the bath tub. He gently puts his hands on her back and lets his gold flow into her.  Morgana startles for a moment before she gives in to the glorious sensation taking over her body.

“You worry over nothing, I’m sure you know that at the bottom of your heart. Arthur loves you, and he always goes on about how much he hates that you’re so far away. He is the most wonderful, most generous, most loving person.” Merlin smiles at the thought. “You might say my judgement is clouded. Fair enough. But take my word for it - he’s going to be delighted, no, absolutely delirious.”

By the time they join the rest, Morgana is beaming again, ready to share her news with all of them.  And just like Merlin predicted, there isn’t an ounce of jealousy or suspicion in Arthur when he embraces her. Only joy and happiness.

 

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

“Now that went better than I anticipated.” Arthur sinks back on his pillows recapitulating the day’s events. 

“Your mum is amazing.” Arthur noticed how very good Hunith was at opening Uther up. “She made my father laugh.” Arthur turns round as Merlin slides into bed next beside him. 

“You do look a lot like her, you know.” Arthur places a tiny kiss on Merlin’s protruding collarbone.

Merlin grins and relishes the sensation of Arthur’s lips on his chest. He leans back and relaxes. It has been a good day. There’s no doubt about it. 

“My mum is a wonderful person,” he agrees easily. “Just like you.” 

Arthur mumbles something that vaguely sounds like “Of course,” before he continues his work on Merlin’s collarbones, making sure every square centimetre is covered by his lips. 

And then he moves south. Feathering his tongue over Merlin’s nipples. Teasing them ruthlessly until they stand there, erect and flush. It’s hard to express how much he loves that he’s able to do that. Touch Merlin intimately everywhere.

He runs his fingers through the dark chest hair with a sense of satisfaction and then licks and bites his way all along Merlin’s happy trail. Finally he puts his whole weight on his body, their soaking cocks rubbing against each other. Neither can resist the touch for very long.

ooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Afterwards Merlin cuddles into Arthur. Sometimes he wonders if this isn’t the best of all sensations. Just feeling Arthur and holding each other like any other ‘normal’ couple. Merlin smiles lazily while his mind goes back to the day when all this started.

Gaius had only theorized about the workings of his gold when they spoke to him that day. The next day they met Lance to try out whether it was possible to put this theory into practice. And when Arthur embraced him, Merlin’s gold bounced back to him again.

They started to work with Lance within the same week, in the hope this would encourage Merlin’s desensitization of his fear more forcefully. No doubt, it was a really tough time for both of them. 

For Merlin, because it meant facing his fear almost every day, and for Arthur, because watching Merlin in torment on a regular basis was torture in itself. The only thing that kept them going was the progress Merlin was making. Because very gradually and over the months he was less incapacitated by his fear. And the benefits of each session lasted longer afterwards.

And then, about four weeks ago something momentous happened. Every second of it is ingrained in Merlin’s memory. Probably forever.

Arthur embraced him as if there was nothing to it, just like he would do with anyone else, and Merlin responded naturally by cuddling into his arms and revelling in his scent. Both were ready to fight the onset of all the usual symptoms of Merlin’s fear.

But it never happened. There was ....no reaction at all. No trembling or shaking. No outbreaks of cold sweat. No hyperventilating. 

They sat there that afternoon, clinging on to each other, stunned into silence. Calm and yet elated. A whisper of panic crossed Merlin’s chest at one point and the odd shudder flushed down his spine. But the power of his gold coming through Arthur kept them in check. 

Lance was beaming when they parted, grinning from ear to ear.

“This is the endgame. Merlin, you’ve definitely made it. Your phobia isn’t controlling you anymore, but you are in control of it.” How gratifying for Lance to say these words. Merlin really had gone a long, long way to arrive at this moment, and he thoroughly deserved it.

However Lance did have to add a word of warning. “Not that I want to spoil this moment, guys. But I need you to know that this kind of fear hardly ever goes away completely. It will remain somewhere in the depths of your soul, Merlin, and lurk around trying to find a chance for release.”

“But as for now though,” Lance concluded. “You don’t need me anymore. Just keep practising,” he said and grinned.

Merlin sighs at the memory causing Arthur to find his gaze, and he looks at him with questioning eyes. “Just thinking of Lance,” he mumbles, and Arthur immediately catches on to his thoughts. 

“We owe him…,” Arthur mumbles reflectively.

“Yeap. We do,” Merlin confirms with genuine affection.

“Wonder how they’re getting on?” Arthur pulls up one eyebrow. He’s been doing this more often lately, and Merlin is seriously concerned that Gaius is having a bad influence on him.

“I bet the South of France is quite nice at this time of the year,” Merlin replies.

“A honeymoon in the South of France,” Arthur ponders. “Sounds good.”

“Is that why you organized the trip for them?” Merlin asks. Lance and Gwen had been in total shock at their wedding present. They had always wanted to go to Cannes and Nice, and Arthur had made it possible for them.

Merlin continues without thinking. “I’d rather go somewhere hilly. Or mountainous.” A second later he realizes what he’s actually implied and blushes to the core. A ripe tomato is pale compared to his face as heat flushes his body.

“I see,” Arthur says very matter of fact, giving him a speculative side glance. “Is that so?”

“I did NOT mean it like that,” Merlin says quietly, sitting on the defensive as he tries to suppress his embarrassment. “Really … I did not.” 

And he leans over to tickle Arthur under his last rib bone, where he is extremely sensitive. Merlin sighs with relief when Arthur reacts wildly, squirming and laughing and trying to shake him off. Thank God. This never fails as a distraction. And as usual Arthur easily keeps the upper hand in the end.

When they finally fall on their backs, out of breath and exhausted from laughter, Arthur reaches across to Merlin, wrapping his finger round a ringlet of hair at the nape of his neck.

“Why not?” he whispers huskily, his eyes simmering with affection and excited anticipation.

Merlin stares at him as if he’d never seen him before. He furrows his brows while he’s trying to digest the two words.

“Are you … ?” is all he gets out, his crimson face a study of sheer disbelief.

“What do you think?” Arthur mumbles as he brushes his lips against Merlin’s. 

“You mean?” Merlin simply can’t believe it. He’s too surprised to be comprehensible.  “Really?”

Arthur decides that this is it. He’s had enough of hiding their relationship for so long.  He wants it officially recognized. So why not do it the proper way? And before Merlin can say anything else, Arthur leans over to his bedside cabinet and pulls something out.

“Close your eyes,” he orders Merlin in his bossy voice. “And put your hand out.”

“Are you kidding?” Merlin can’t suppress the yawn. “It‘s too late to play games.”

“This isn’t a game, Merlin. Now sit up and do as you are told.” This sounds suspiciously like what Merlin calls Arthur’s office voice, and he knows better than contradict it, even if he realizes that Arthur doesn’t really mean it the way it comes across. So he scrambles up and follows the instructions.

A second later he feels something cool inside his palm.

“Open your eyes,” Arthur says and kisses him lightly on his lips.

When Merlin looks down his heart beat doubles, no, triples in speed. His drowsiness dissolves in a split second. What he is holding in his hand takes his breath away. He remembers the moment he received it the first time. It was special then, but now it means everything.

It is the Pendragon ring Arthur gave him on their first holiday in Wales. Merlin runs the ring between his thumb and his index finger and then lifts his head to face Arthur.

“Will you…? Arthur starts, and when Merlin gives him one of his most endearing befuddled looks, he makes sure there aren’t any misunderstandings.  “… marry me, Merlin?”

“Shit.” It slips out before Merlin can help it.

Arthur rolls his eyes before he scolds him with his usual ‘Merlin, you are such an idiot!’ As always, the tenderness and love in Arthur’s voice contradict his words, and Merlin’s lips twitch into a smile.  

“You are supposed to say YES !” 

“Shit,” Merlin whispers almost inaudibly again while his eyes go hazy against his will. He presses his cheek against Arthur’s, and they hold each other in silence for a little while. 

“I love you,” Merlin says throatily before he kisses Arthur chastely in the corner of his mouth.    

When they pull apart Arthur’s eyes twinkle with happiness. “Still the wrong answer, Merlin.”

“I see, you want me to spell it out to you?” Merlin isn’t fazed at all, accepting the challenge with a huge smile.

“Y” he mumbles and trails the letter over Arthur’s stomach in tiny kisses.

“E” Merlin’s tongue draws the letter into the soft hollow at the bottom of Arthur’s neck.

“S” Merlin lips are over Arthur’s, tracing the ‘s’ over his mouth again and again and when Arthur’s lips open to welcome him, both forget time and space for quite a while.

When they let go of each other, they remain close, their hands tenderly stroking each other, while Merlin’s gold softly hums inside their chests. 

Eventually Arthur whispers hoarsely into Merlin’s ear: “Will a chalet in Austria do?”

 

THE END

 

 

_Although this is the official end of this story I would like to give you a short UPDATE of what happened to all the characters next:_

Uther resigned officially as the figure head of Pendragon Inc. at the end of that month and instated Arthur as the new boss of the company. Uther remained in the capacity of informal adviser.

Arthur asked Leon to be his right hand man which he accepted with delight. The company soared to new heights of success under their leadership, and Arthur was nominated the best young entrepreneur of the year not long after that.

Merlin left Rapport to take up the role of company mediator at Pendragon Inc. He also became invaluable to Arthur as his immediate advisor when it came to deal with difficult clients and personality clashes within the firm.

Morgana and Leon settled in their new home outside London where Morgana gave birth to a beautiful girl they named Ygraine. Uther doted on her from the first day.

Lance and Gwen bought Merlin’s old flat next to Gwen’s and extended it into one big apartment. They remained close friends with Arthur, Merlin, Morgana and Leon.

Gaius also retired after a year and made his dream to research herbal medicine come true.

Hunith enjoyed spending a lot of time with her new extended family. She helped out Morgana after she’d had the baby and regularly visited Uther for a chat. And it seemed that Uther's homophobic views gradually mellowed under her calm influence.

Arthur and Merlin got married quietly six months after the proposal in the presence of their family and closest friends. Uther attended the wedding and dealt with the press once they announced their marriage publicly.

They spent their honeymoon in a beautiful chalet in a remote valley in Austria.

 

_Would you believe I almost forget our ‘lovely’ Vivien !!!_

She was caught trying to run off with her tennis coach and was promptly packed off to Switzerland by her father. There she gave birth to a baby boy she called Cornelius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end. I am sad to see the story go because I thoroughly enjoyed writing it. And I sincerely hope, you had fun, too.  
> I love sending the boys off happy and with a future ahead of them (unlike 5x13). But here is hoping that I did not go over the top! Thanks for all the kudos I received and your nice comments along the way. I appreciate your support very much!


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